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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sexomnia? advice please

47 replies

strawberryseeds · 19/05/2016 08:03

Have NC due to having a very identifying thread going on and this is very personal I don't want to risk being outed.

Have been with DP for 7 years we have 2 young DC

He is very supportive, not EA or FA, treats me very well, is a good father, works hard, is well liked and a good person.

however, he is very preoccupied with sex, is constantly talking to me about it, asking if we can do it, looking at me in 'that' way. Will count days that we haven't done it and say he has been 'good' not nagging me about it Hmm it will be 2 or 3 days we are talking about.

I have accepted he has a very high sex drive, it can be a pain and another thing on my 'to do' list.

Sometimes if we don't have sex I wake up to him trying to do things to me or talking dirty to me.

He genuinely is asleep and I am unable to wake him.
So I push him off and he rolls over.
He is a very deep sleeper, I am a light sleeper.

In the morning he has no memory of it and accuses me of lying.

There are things that have happened that I am quite upset about and he thinks I am lying.

It is not an acceptable way to carry on and I am not willing to put up with it.

I go to bed knowing I may have to fend him off each night, it's very stressful.

Could this be sexomnia?

He has a history of sleep walking and is on meds for depression and he is being assessed for ADHD.

I am not about to consider leaving him as we have a very good relationship.

I am willing to come down hard and get throw behaviour changed.

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 19/05/2016 08:08

Not sure what you want from us.

I suppose there might be one or two MNetters who are genuinely qualified to diagnose your DH as having sexomnia but I doubt they could do so without meeting him. That's something for a doctor and possibly a psychologist but presumably he is already seeing one due to depression and ADHD.

You don't want to leave him so you don't want us suggesting that.

I suppose you could get some cameras rigged up to film him sleeping and doing this to you overnight so you have the proof to show him but then it would still require him to go and consult doctors and psychologists (assuming it is genuine).

titchy · 19/05/2016 08:11

He's not asleep when he's pestering you saying it's been several days though is he?

SleeplessRageMonster · 19/05/2016 08:13

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Original poster
strawberryseeds · 19/05/2016 08:14

I just want some advice from somebody who may have been through it or has some kind of experience with it.

I'm not even sure it's a genuine condition or not.

No he's not asleep when he's pestering me.

It pisses me off and I do tell him, I am not at all submissive or in fear of saying something.
I call him out on it every time but he doesn't understand why I am not flattered

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/05/2016 08:15

The red flag is that he accuses you of lying. Why should you? And why doesn't he get worried that he sexually assaults you when you're sleeping? And why does he just roll over when you wake up? It's not easy to stop people who do things during their sleep...
He's not that great in relation to sex when he's awake either. At best he's a sex pest and I'd (well, was) be really put off by that constant pressure.

Lweji · 19/05/2016 08:17

How about you pretend to call the police when he assaults you during the night and see if he wakes up?

YouMakeMyDreams · 19/05/2016 08:25

He's not that great a partner if he's hassling you about sex when you haven't done it for a couple of days. He's not that great a partner of he accuses you of lying that he is serially assaulting you in your sleep.
To put it in perspective I am trying to get fit just now dh would like to have sex more often bt after running and cycling I've been pretty sore and not felt like it as much. He doesn't mention it he runs me a bath and cuddles me in bed. Also if I told dh that he was trying to have sex with me in his sleep he would be mortified. He has groped me once when asleep he must have been dreaming. He was embarrassed and apologetic because he wouldn't want me to feel violated because he knows sex is a two way Street not something I have done to me.
You cannot live with being frightened to go to bed with him. You say he's not EA but he's not very nice either is he? He doesn't take sexual assault of you seriously and he doesn't respect your boundaries when he's awake.

hurtandconfued2016 · 19/05/2016 10:51

Op I had this with my now ex!
He would wake me up to have sex now I would say no on a few occasions and he didn't stop. When he was in the middle of it he would wake up and be mortified and be sorry for it!
I have spoken to a councillor about it and she was saying depression could cause this.

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 10:55

Definitely tape him. If my DP told me I was doing this to him whilst I was asleep I probably wouldn't believe it either. He's obviously pre-occupied thinking about it, going to be frustrated and dreaming it and I think (regardless of him hassling you for it which is something else) he'll be embarrassed and mortified when he sees it with his own eyes, I would.

HappyNevertheless · 19/05/2016 10:59

You need to go and see your GP ASAP.

First you need a diagnosis before being able to do anything about that situation.
I think that the fact he has high sex drive is a red herring if he is doing that in his sleep. And I believe he is asleep if you can/have to push him like this.
The fact he is sleep walking is another clue.

See what your GP say and mention too that your DH doesnt believe he is doing that. Not the right attitude but I can also see it can unsettling to be told that not only you are walking in your sleep. You are also trying to have sex with someone who isn't consenting (aka asleep).
Your GO will be able to advise you in the best way to approach it, incl convincing him to go and see him/her.

Is he taking any medication that could have that sort of side effects too?

ShowOfHands · 19/05/2016 11:00

You have two separate issues. My DH has sexomnia. He is horrified by it, worked hard with experts to get it sorted, identified triggers and never, ever took anything other than full responsibility.

Pestering, denying and accusing are nothing to do with sexomnia and more to do with character.

BertieBotts · 19/05/2016 11:40

It is a real condition but it is suspicious that in his case it's going hand in hand with sexually aggressive behaviour when he is awake.

Being aware of it but not taking any steps to prevent it (e.g. sleeping separately) is not good.

HappyNevertheless · 19/05/2016 11:47

Agree show the day time attitude is something altogether different.

Can I ask if what your DH did te this issue has worked to some extend?

TheSparrowhawk · 19/05/2016 11:50

So he pesters you constantly for sex, ignores your repeated requests to stop, sexually assaults you in his sleep, then accuses you of lying about it?

I'm guessing that at times you also have sex with him just to appease him?

PirateFairy45 · 19/05/2016 11:56

Set up a camera in the bedroom. Record overnight.

If nothing happens, good. If it does then tell him. If he accuses you of lying, show him the footage.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/05/2016 11:59

And no, don't for the love of all that is holy set up a fucking camera. When you have to video your partner assaulting you in order for him to believe what you're saying, you're so far beyond saving the relationship that you're wasting your time.

VulcanWoman · 19/05/2016 12:07

I think if you did film it to prove it, he'd come up with an excuse. Sounds awful, sorry you're going through this.

Jayne35 · 19/05/2016 12:17

My DH does this occasionally, I just move away and he stops. Sometimes I am in the mood but we can't actually do anything as he would stop/snore/turn over as not actually awake. He also has no memory of it like your DH.

To be fair these days it rarely happens as his sex drive has slowed a little. I never asked him to get help for it as it wasn't too much of a problem for me but as other posters have said, your DH should seek a diagnoses and treatment as it's making you unhappy.

Lweji · 19/05/2016 12:21

If my DP told me I was doing this to him whilst I was asleep I probably wouldn't believe it either.

Why not?
I'd expect that partners should trust each other.

Slowdecrease · 19/05/2016 12:32

Because as my conscious awake self I wouldn't believe I was capable of it. Does that answer the question?

TheSparrowhawk · 19/05/2016 12:48

So, slow, rather than thinking 'oh I'm doing something awful to the person I love in my sleep and she's upset, ' you'd think 'Well I don't remember it (why would you, if you're asleep??) so she must be a liar'? If you think your partner would lie about sexual assault you mustn't think very highly of her, eh?

Joystir · 19/05/2016 12:49

Someone continuing to have sex with you after you have said no is raping you. He is a rapist.

Joystir · 19/05/2016 12:54

I really don't buy that this can really be a condition, that someone can actually attempt to rape you while you are asleep and its not possible to wake them up and they really can carry out the act with no conscious memory. No, I'm sorry. This guy is a sex offender. Boot him out. He has no respect for you. Where is the love.

thelittleredhen · 19/05/2016 12:54

Just to say that my ADHD DS often wakes up during the night and is neither awake or asleep, it's like he's there, but he's not there. He has no recollection of it in the morning.

Would your DH having a wank (or 3) before bed help?

Writingdragonfly · 19/05/2016 13:04

My ex was a sex pest and it drove me mad that sex was expected like it was his right not a privelige in a relationship. That attitude IS emotional abuse. The sexomnia is a problem can you sleep separately? I agree maybe videoing will prove it to him but I also think him accusing you of lying is a massive red flag. If my partner now said I tried to jump him in my sleep I would be so apologetic especially if it was forceful not reciprocated!!!! I talk in my sleep and wouldn't disbelieve my partner when he tells me I was talking nonsense why doesn't your guy believe you?!

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