sexomnia? advice please

[strawberryseeds]

Have NC due to having a very identifying thread going on and this is very personal I don't want to risk being outed.

Have been with DP for 7 years we have 2 young DC

He is very supportive, not EA or FA, treats me very well, is a good father, works hard, is well liked and a good person.

however, he is very preoccupied with sex, is constantly talking to me about it, asking if we can do it, looking at me in 'that' way. Will count days that we haven't done it and say he has been 'good' not nagging me about it it will be 2 or 3 days we are talking about.

I have accepted he has a very high sex drive, it can be a pain and another thing on my 'to do' list.

Sometimes if we don't have sex I wake up to him trying to do things to me or talking dirty to me.

He genuinely is asleep and I am unable to wake him.
So I push him off and he rolls over.
He is a very deep sleeper, I am a light sleeper.

In the morning he has no memory of it and accuses me of lying.

There are things that have happened that I am quite upset about and he thinks I am lying.

It is not an acceptable way to carry on and I am not willing to put up with it.

I go to bed knowing I may have to fend him off each night, it's very stressful.

Could this be sexomnia?

He has a history of sleep walking and is on meds for depression and he is being assessed for ADHD.

I am not about to consider leaving him as we have a very good relationship.

I am willing to come down hard and get throw behaviour changed.

OP my DH may or may not have sexsomnia. I read a lot about it, was never sure. I have read that it's connected to other sleeping disorders. You mention sleepwalking. My husband doesn't have any other sleep issues so yours may be different.

My husband has woken me in the night wanting sex over a number of years. Like you i can always push him off. I never thought that he might be awake.

However, it took me a long time to notice his awake sexual behaviour gradually change. Not in massive ways but just being less respectful. Repeatedly asking for particular positions until I gave in, making me take all my clothes off before I was ready, taking them off when I said no, stropping when I didn't want sex, being apologetic when I cried during sex (and I explained why) but doing the same things next time.

It is incredibly stressful going to bed not knowing if you are going to be bothered. A nightmare actually. I feel like the awake/asleep sex issues gradually merged and it makes me wonder if they have always been the same problem.

The nightime/sleeping him was always a bit pushier, a bit "dirtier", always a bit different so that was part of why I was sure he was asleep. Awake him started to remind me if the nighttime episodes.

I think my point about sharing the above details is to be careful that things don't slip into a bigger problem without you realising it. He is already pressuring you about sex.

I'm not even sure it's a genuine condition or not.
It is. Whether it's what your DP has is another matter though.

I'd get some proof he does this if you can. Show him and then explain to him how it is making you feel, and that he needs to seek help for this.

If you are able to, would it help to sleep in separate beds or rooms for a bit? That way you can at least get a peaceful night's sleep.

Your DP pestering and nagging you when he is conscious is also something he needs to sort out, or you both come to a compromise. If he's a "needs it every day" person and you're content if you don't get it anywhere near as often, there may come a point where he'll start really putting on the pressure for you to have sex when you don't want to. And that would not be on.

Because as my conscious awake self I wouldn't believe I was capable of it. Does that answer the question?
No.
You might not think you'd be capable it it, but the question is why would you doubt your partner.

You might not think you'd be capable it it, but the question is why would you doubt your partner.
I would if it was last partner. He chatted some major crap. Anyone else though and I'd believe it and be mortified.

Thank you for all the advice. I will struggle to reply directly but I do take it all on board.

I see what is being said about it being two separate issues.
I can reason with him during the day about how it make me feel hassled and it off putting.
He doesn't understand how It makes me feel objectified.
As he says he would love me to be that 'attracted' to him.
Pest is the most suitable word for it.
I have noticed it is how his dad is with his mum. So maybe it's a learned behaviour.

Just to clarify -
He has never continued with it once I have moved him off or hit him away, it's straight back into a sleep.
He also talks during and it's things that done make sense, and would only happen in dreams. Not coherent and will answer if I speak but will answer with nonsense.

This doesn't happen every night, maybe once a month to every few months.

I am also not condoning it at all and it is totally unacceptable.

I spoke to him before he went to work and he said he knows I wouldn't lie and he doesn't really think that, he just says it to make himself feel better.
Because it makes him feel like a monster and he can't remember.
I've told him to go to the doctor, says he will.

Does he expect to sleep in the same bed as you in the meantime?

His excuses for being pest are atrocious - you tell him you want him to stop and instead of stopping he says you don't harass him enough. Great, so not only is he not listening to you, he also criticising you.

The pest behaviour has to stop. Now.

Thanks for giving perspective it makes more sense that way, I think perhaps him seeing a dr is your best bet, if it's rare and not forceful in that you can stop it and move away then no immediate danger, have a think about sleeping separately while he gets it sorted or as someone else suggesting, have him sort his needs out before bed see if that calms it? Be totally honest about how you feel, use analogies if he doesn't see why sex pestering makes you feel that way, say you want to be taken out and treated to posh dinner every night, say you don't understand why he doesn't want to treat you to nice things every night. Then make that point that sex isn't like food, it's not an automatic need or right!

I can reason with him during the day about how it make me feel hassled and it off putting. He doesn't understand how It makes me feel objectified.

You can't really reason with him if he doesn't understand your point of view or accept it, and keeps doing it, can you?

What is he proposing to keep you safe?

What ages are your DCs?
Does he look at stuff on his computer or his phone?
His Dad's behaviour towards his Mum must be fairly obvious if you can see that his Dad treats his Mum like that.
You have to think do you want your children to witness this sort of behaviour and think that is how women should be treated.

He doesn't act like that in front of the kids.
One preschool, one in school.

I am his main source of interest, he doesn't look on his phone or pc to my knowledge. If he has a wank it's with my there (his choice, doesn't bother me if he wants to have a private one)

It's like an obsession, with me.
I'm nothing special to look at!

We do have a very normal life 99% of the time.

I'm not being hounded constantly day in day out. But it's a pressure that I feel is always there. I am anxious there is an expectation.
Even when perhaps there isn't.

There are plenty of places I can sleep if needs be.
I am in and out of bed all night due to DC so I don't know if I interrupt his sleep and mess up the cycles

There are plenty of places I can sleep if needs be.

Why are you thinking of you moving out and not him?

I am in and out of bed all night due to DC so I don't know if I interrupt his sleep and mess up the cycles

Why are you taking responsibility?

For one thing, don't say 'I'm nothing special to look at' - your DH's behaviour has nothing to do with how attractive you are, it's about him doing as he pleases to the thing that he desires - he doesn't care if that thing happens to have feelings about it, he can just make excuses to get rid of that.

Generally this sort of behaviour isn't about sex at all - it's about control. Is he controlling in any other aspect of your life?

There are plenty of places for me to sleep in the house or him.
I would never move out, th

I'm not taking responsibility, just saying.

I would never move out this is the DC home and I am main carer

I also had an ex like that (bar the sleeping thing).

Notice the pattern on the thread about pestering exs...

I meant moving out of the bed, not the house. :)

This is turning into a ' your partner is a rapist and you need to LTB' maybe everyone should read the OP's replies and realise that 99% of the time everything is fine ....

This happened to my ex (broke up because of other things, nothing to do with this). We were together 6 years and it probably happened about 10 times in total, usually when he was going through a period of high sex drive.

It sounds like there's a lot going on with regards to him being on anti-depressants and the possible ADHD diagnosis. Are you in a situation where you are able to look at counselling or is that not an option right now?

I don't really have an answer on regards to the sleep sex. I remember I just used to push my partner away and he'd roll over and fall asleep - it was never a major issue for me as I knew he was asleep and I could easily stop him, but he did used to have some idea when he woke up that SOMETHING had happened when he was asleep, and he used to be absolutely mortified by it.

Can you show him some information online about the condition to prove to him that this is a thing and he needs to believe you when you say it's happened? Personally I would not stay in the same bed until he does believe you, I'm not sure what doctors can do in regards to the condition other then perhaps sleeping tablets, but I get the feeling the fact that he does it isn't the issue its the fact that he won't admit it.

So, Herald, if 99% is fine, then the 1% of pestering and sexual assault should be put up with?

strawberry it's a really good thing he is happy to go to the GP. Maybe go with him too as you will be able to describe things when he can't as he doesn't remember.
The not wanting to know because it makes him feel really bad makes sense.

Re the high sex drive etc... I would suggest other posters to go read recent threads about people who have very low libido living with someone who has a mi h higher libido. You will read a lot that is very far from what you have said here, ie he is a bastard to be Pestering you with sex.
Actually a few people would argue that it would be totally ok for him to leave to find someone with a higher sex drive because sex is a natural need and you just can't live wo it (or with not enough of it).
I'm not saying I agree but dealing with a mismatched libido means to go a bit further than he is a sex pest.

No 1 % is not ..but the op is asking if this is a medical condition rather than a sexual assault or rape ...

Maybe your DH is suffering from an unfortunate condition and isn't a sex pest. But I'd be careful about thinking it's 2 separate issues altogether. Because you have connected the pressure/sex drive/pushing him off at night in terms of how you feel. So at least in terms of how it adds up emotionally for you it all needs to be taken seriously. I hope he does seek help and I hope he realises he needs to make a massive effort to make sure you don't feel pressured any time.