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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do I trust him again?

28 replies

enidblytonfan · 18/05/2016 20:59

hi everyone.

my dh had an emotional affair which lasted about 3 weeks. it was via Twitter direct messages. After I found out in early April he swore that was the end of it and we deleted what I thought were the relevant accounts.

Anyway about 2 weeks later in mid April i discovered that he was still in limited contact with her. i was totally gutted (again) and this time i sent her a message telling her that everything he had told her was a pack of lies (i know that it was as i read all their messages).

We then deleted the rest of the accounts and I think he has no more contact with her now. He says he wants to be with me, he regrets what he's done, he gives me access to his phone when i ask, i've got access to his email, everything under the sun.

but i still don't believe him!! it's driving me nuts. how can i move forward and start trusting him again?

I am so paranoid. I wonder if he could still have email accounts and twitter that I don't know about as he could quite easily access them at work and then delete the web history from his phone!

i'm going round in circles. I need to put this behind me and move on but I'm finding it so difficult.

Has anyone got any tips/advice on how to do this please?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 18/05/2016 21:01

How do you kkownhe doesnt have two phones?
How do you know he doesnt use an app or email account that he has to serch for each time?
How do you know they dont have strict timeframes on when they contact each other?

He had an ea then pretended to delete contact. He isnt changed at all.

SpunBodgeSquarepants · 18/05/2016 21:05

I'm really sorry but I don't think anyone will have the answer you're looking for. You'll never 100% trust him again.

A week after I found out I was pregnant I discovered my lovely BF had been sexting a girl he used to work with. He promised he wouldn't do it again. Found out he'd been using Plenty of Fish to carry on texting her when I was 36 weeks gone. Broke up with him, stupidly took him back. Except this time I kept an eye on his emails and Facebook. Yep, couple of months after I'd given birth he was back at it again. I think men like that are just desperate for positive female attention, whether it hurts you or not.

Tiggeryoubastard · 18/05/2016 21:07

The question should be WHY would you trust him again? I can't see any reason why.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/05/2016 21:08

It has only been a month since he properly dumped her (and that took two attempts).

Rebuilding trust will take months or years. Not days.

You have good reason not to believe him. Your mind is doing the right thing. If he is trustworthy then maybe in a year or two you will feel it is proven enough and you will start to relax.

You don't need to put it behind you. You need to keep it where you can see it's mucky little face until time tells if he truly is trustworthy.

Boolovessulley · 18/05/2016 21:12

He will have to earn your trust.
It's natural to distrust him, he has betrayed you twice to your knowledge.

Whether you stay with him is another issue, it doesn't mean you trust him.

magoria · 18/05/2016 21:52

It's only been a few weeks.

The first time after a few weeks you found out he was still messing around.

Of course you can't trust him yet. He hasn't proved you can.

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 21:56

The big question is not "how would you trust him again" but "do you want to trust him again?"

If you don't, it is ok to start putting your ducks in a row so you can leave. Personally, If this relationship was important to me, I would fight for it (in terms of working in the relationship, not doing the pick me dance)

Lweji · 18/05/2016 21:59

You shouldn't be asking how to can trust him again.
He should be doing his utmost to prove he can be trusted.

But he has lied in quick succession.
Why do you need to move on and put it behind you?
Does that mean you'll stick by him regardless of what lies he tells you? Where will you draw the line?

BTW, what did the emotional affair involve? Are you sure it wasn't physical as well?

AnyFucker · 18/05/2016 22:03

why would you ?

he isn't a person that is worthy of trust

Original poster
enidblytonfan · 18/05/2016 22:04

It was just an ea as she lives in another country. I do want to stay with him. Our marriage is worth fighting for. He is doing his utmost to prove he can be trusted, I just can't believe him though!

OP posts:
pictish · 18/05/2016 22:06

I think your problem is not that you need to learn to trust, but that your husband is untrustworthy and well you know it!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/05/2016 22:38

He is doing his utmost to prove he can be trusted

I imagine a lot will depend on how long he can keep this up - after all he could barel manage a couple of week before. He needs to understand that he's "setting the clock back to zero" every time something's discovered, but whether he'll even care about this is something else again

I honestly hope I'm wrong, but from what you've told us of him I expect the mask will slip quite quickly - and when it does he'll probably try to blame you for being "suspicious" Hmm

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 22:42

Your marriage is worth fighting for?

You're the only one who seems to think so.

The only reason he hasn't shagged her is because of geography.

Come on! The first time you were 'fixing' this, he was contacting her.

You're not his wife, you're his keeper. Controlling his communication just so you feel like you have his loyalty.

Just...why??

Costacoffeeplease · 18/05/2016 22:46

It shouldn't be a 'fight' to keep a relationship - it shouldn't be that hard

BeckyMcDonald · 18/05/2016 22:49

I think I possibly could have forgiven the ea. I do think it's often worth giving people a second chance (not always though). However, after he saw how much it hurt you and what he had to lose, and continued his contract with her, I would have dumped him so fast his feet wouldn't gave touched the ground. He's basically saying 'I see you crying, I see you devastated, and I do hit give enough of a shit to do anything about it.'

BeckyMcDonald · 18/05/2016 22:50

contact and do not

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 23:03

Frankly people, the guy had a 3 weeks EA with someone who is not leaving in this country, and that on its own is enough to LTB?

I am all pro divorce and I don't regret for a second getting one, but it is a life changing decision that shouldn't be taken lightly.

I can assure that there are thousands of couples out there who have managed to "fight" for their relationship after an affair and came stronger on the other side.

So, do as you please OP, if you think the relationship deserves to be saved, that's ok. Just ensure you get yourselves to relate to find ways to understand how this happened and how to avoid it repeating in the future.

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 23:04

Leaving? Living in this country...

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 23:13

He was still in contact with her.

But she's in a different country so it's ok?

I suppose you could just live in hope that she was never, ever in the country again, if that's the standard you set for your relationship...

Only1scoop · 18/05/2016 23:15

'Just an EA'
Hmm

You are not paranoid

You are married to a liar.

HeddaGarbled · 18/05/2016 23:27

You need to put aside the "how do I trust him again" question for a little while. As everyone has said above, obviously you can't trust him. He has proven that he is untrustworthy twice. The onus is not on you to suddenly be able to trust him. Of course you can't believe him. This isn't something you can get over in a couple of weeks.

I would recommend that you both read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass which has some interesting things to say about windows and walls. In a couple, you have a wall around you keeping you together as a couple but with windows into the wider world and relationships with others. With an emotional (or physical affair), the secrecy and intimacy between the affair partners builds a wall around them which excludes the betrayed partner. This is why the affair is so damaging to the relationship even if there has not been any sex.

The book also gives lots of good advice about how to repair the original relationship.

Don't rush yourself to trust him again. Don't feel you have to make any irrevocable decisions right now. This is all raw and new. Take your time. Feel your anger and disappointment and sadness. Think about counselling, perhaps for yourself, perhaps as a couple (but don't rush into that - sometimes they can push you to forgive and move on and you might not be ready for that yet). Has he any awareness of how badly he has behaved, how serious a betrayal this was and why he felt it was OK to indulge in this behaviour? Some personal counselling for him might open his eyes to what he has done and why and what steps he could be taking to save your relationship.

It is not your responsibility to fight for your marriage. It is his. It is your responsibility to decide whether it is worth salvaging. But you don't have to decide that yet.

MatrixReloaded · 19/05/2016 01:08

Op it's not for you to worry about how you can trust him again. It's up to him to prove he's trustworthy. Currently he's not.

Rugsweep this at your peril.

goddessofsmallthings · 19/05/2016 01:27

Our marriage is worth fighting for

I pick my battles very carefully and I certainly wouldn't be expending valuable time and energy on a man who is a proven liar.

Take a step back from 'the fight' and start considering whether he is truly worth the effort it will take you to reach a point where your head is not filled with suspicion about what he's up to when he's not in your sight.

How much of your desire to 'fight' is based on the blow to your ego and the hurt and humiliation you've sustained by his double deception, and how much is down to not wishing to move out of the comfort zone of whatever it means to you to be married?

SelfLoathing · 19/05/2016 02:18

I've been an OW and I've been on the other side of where you are now and from experience I can tell you

  • whatever he is telling you he is minimising. If he is saying they kissed, they fucked. If he is admitting one fuck, it was a repeated affair. If he admits a short term affair, it was along term affair.
  • men who are liars are liars. They get caught one way and if they want to play, they find ways round it. It's not difficult. Get a new pay as you go phone for him. OW changes her number and it now gets stored as "John from accounts" rather than "Jessica Rabbit". They set up a joint on line email account they both can log into and edit "draft messages" so no one has to send anything. Yes I've been there so all I'd say is I'd be very VERY doubtful about your conclusion that they haven't been in contact. They will have been, the way of contact has just changed to move under the radar.

You asked for tips and advice. My advice is you either accept that this is your future life (ie. he maybe cheating and you can live with that) or you move on. Given your post I think you aren't paranoid, you are right. He will be cheating and still is.

Deception is very very easy in the modern world. As they say necessity is the mother of invention. You'd be surprised at the original ways a man caught out can come up with for staying in touch with the freely available sex. It's pretty grim.

SandyY2K · 19/05/2016 06:10

There's a book called 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair' by Linda Macdonald. You should both read it.

He also needs to do the hard work to gain your trust and show his remorse.

You can't do all the hard work. Google things a waywards spouse should know. That's for him to look into.

He needs boundaries and you should also consider marriage counselling... why is he doing this? Attention seeking? Let him know the consequences of any further incidents.