Separation / Reconciliation / OW pregnant

[Notgettingoverit]

Apologies if this is jumbled, but I'm in such turmoil and just don't know what to do.
I started writing my 'story' but it's long and filled with events and emotions that are hard to put in black and white.
Long story short. Separated from husband 18 months ago. He left me. We have a 3yo child.
He started a new relationship. It didn't work out.
On both sides, there's a feeling of possibility for our marriage. But he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed.
The possibility was literally just exploring whether we should attend counselling and have the opportunity to sit, talk, listen and not give up on our family with any chance of regrets at not trying.
Here's the blow. I now know why he's been so cautious and why he's been so distressed with everything.
She's pregnant.
I feel like everything is ruined.
Even without this twist, if there was a chance of us reconciling it would be a long, hard road. Friends and family would find it hard to reconnect with him and I know it shouldn't matter but it would make life more difficult and awkward. But I was still ready to see if we could maybe make a go of things.
But this is something else altogether and I just don't know what to do or feel. My thoughts are changing constantly.
Has ANYONE ever been in any similar situation.
Any insight in trying again after a separation before even taking into account this baby that is going to be born.
I think I need to keep the 2 issues separate. Find out if there's a chance for us and then whether I can live with however the baby situation plays out.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading.

I have a friend of a friend who went through a similar problem. DH had an affair when DW had just had their DS. She found out & he left. Very soon afterwards OW got pregnant. Not long after OW had their baby he left her and got back with his DW, who seemed to welcome him with open arms, although this is the view from the outside and I'm sure they went through hell behind closed doors.

They got back together a few years ago and have since gone on to have another DC and have successfully integrated the DC of the OW into their family. He stays regularly with them.

The relationship with the OW is awful and she often causes problems with seeing the DC but the couple seem to have got back on track.

As I said, this is the view from a outsider so it may not be as rosy as it all seems but just another perspective for you.

The fact that he is 'cautious' is a big red flag for me (amidst a forest of red flags). If he wanted to re-ignite his relationship with you, surely he'd be talking, being open, trying?

I think your ex freaked out about the reality of being married with a kid, so he dumped you and went and started again with someone else. Now that someone else is on the brink of putting the same demands on him, he realises that being in the original relationship (with the slightly older child and a woman doing the 'pick me' dance) looks better. The next time he gets bored or the demands of every day life get to much (like when you have another DC) he'll be off again.

I'd put money on it that he's that most toxic of combinations, a commitment-phobe who can't bear being on his own. So he see-saws, each time getting closer to the brink, then pulling back and starting again.

I see no harm in proper, open counselling if it's important for you to feel you explored every avenue, but don't for a minute consider taking him back as he is.

My ExH had an affair with a much much younger OW.
We split but then got back together. We struggled on for about a year, he lied and lied about how deep his relationship with the OW was but didn't have a good enough memory to keep his lies straight. Yada yada she meant nothing yada yada it was just sex yada yada.
What hammered the last rusty nail into our marriage was when he let slip that they were planning to start a family together. He was planning to start a family. He had a family. Fucker.
So no, I wouldn't stick with your H in this situation. He had a family, you and your DC. Why did he start another with OW? He could have put a hat on the baldy man ( new expression I recently learned, just trying it out here) but he made a choice. He doesn't sound worthy of your family life.

Thank you everyone who's taken the time to respond. All perspectives are really appreciated.

How soon did he get with her after you split? Whose idea was the split?

I personally would not like to be the fallback girl. It feels like you are second choice now it hasn't worked with her.

A friends husband had an affair and ow got pregnant. He had 3 kida with his wife. They are still together and have moved to the other side of the world. That is the worst part i think. She was so close to her friends and family but had to leave ot all behind as he could not take the shame and the blame of what he has done.

I am so sorry OP, this is heartbreaking for you. A baby would be a dealbreaker for me.

OP

I've sent you a PM.

Oh gosh, what a situation. But it's not the end of the world.

If you love your husband and he loves you, then it's workable.

The pregnant ex-girlfriend, do you know her well enough to befriend her? Could you envisage being her friend and supporting her throughout the pregnancy? Her baby will be your child's half-sibling.

If you and your husband are a strong team, you could get through this and it could work out well. You need to be empathic and forgiving but not a walkover.

I've never met the ex and she lives hours away from us. Our paths would never had needed to cross if we weren't in this situation

liberatedwine to use an MN favourite saying - Are you on glue?

Don't treat someone as a priority that treats you as an option!

He already has shown you the sort of man he is....

One of the best predictors of future behaviour is past behaviour... If you reunited, would he declare that is 'wasn't working for him" another year/2 years dowb the line??

Aren't you worth more than this??

You really are worth more than this. Harsh but you would be an utter fool to even think of doing this. Do you think he's the only man in the world that you need to lower yourself to accepting this mess? He left you with a small baby, left you! And then comes back with baggage, why on earth would you go back for more. I think you will regret it later on.

Enrique hit the nail on the head earlier....the fact he seems withdrawn and depressed would concern me as I would feel he wasn't sure. A lukewarm response isn't good enough.

From what you say he doesn't seem sure what he wants (a common theme for people in this situation). My advice to you is to stand back, get on with your life and do not be at the mercy of his whims and unsure-ness. Think carefully about what you want and consider going for counselling alone to support you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please remember you are strong and you have survived this far. There is no need for you to make any hasty decisions. Take care.

Has he stopped being cautious now? Is he saying he wants to make a whole hearted commitment to you or is he still ambivalent?

He left you with a young baby rather than try to work on his marriage.

OP hasn't said that they hadn't worked on it.

The ex gf wasn't the OW he wasn't according to the OP having an affair.

I don't think I could go back Not but you need to have a completely open conversation with him.

I would however hazard a guess that he isn't sure either if he is withdrawing.

I'm the child in that situation. My dad lied to my mum that he was divorced but he wasn't, just separated for 6 months and moved a few hundred miles away in an era without social media and mobiles. Went back to his wife. It is beyond awful for everyone except for him. The deal was I had to be struck from the records. It eventually came out through my older half brother by a third woman who knew about all of us. My younger half sister went right off the rails aft learning about her parents lying for years.

Just to check - what is the deal with him and his gf? Have they clearly broken up and did they break up before he started exploring his options with you? And are you sure he's been honest about this?

She lives hours away. He has the option to move there but has chosen to stay local

Thing is OP in your head she is the OW but in her head you are likely to be the OW as he was with her but trying to start a relationship back up with you by the sounds of it. So even if you can accept this new baby she could deliberately make life difficult for you both at a time that you really don't need it.

Also think of the everyday rather than the long term. CAn you accept and deal with him going to birth of the baby? What if you have planned a family day out (you, him and your DD) and then he gets a call to say that new baby is poorly and he has to drop you both to go be with NB? Can you deal with him attending doc appointments with ex and new baby as a family unit? Him going to nursery shows or parents evening? I know these may seem a bit abstract at the moment but if he has been this great dad to your DD - imagine him being this same great dad to the new one and the reality of the time that means he is with them and not you and your child. That is the hard reality of what you will be facing (if he is good dad - if not then not worth it anyway). You will have to accept that these other two people will always and forever be in your life - always.

If you think that you can handle all that then fine your choice. The thing that concerns me is the possible pattern of behavior. You say the reasons for the break up aren't relevant but I think you are kidding yourself on that one. Did the break up happen because you were both happy as a unit of 2 then extend your family and all of a sudden he is not the center of your world, can't handle that the new baby took all your attention so left? Then gets with the new woman, all ok and then she gets pregnant and suddenly he knows he is not going to be center of attention and ups and leaves again and so it is easier to come back to you?

Either way this is such a shit situation for you to be and I hope you can find a way through it that makes you and your DD happy

I know I probably come across weak and pathetic because I'm even considering allowing him back in my life. But it really would only be after A LOT of soul searching and counselling for both of us. All the questions about him leaving again, are exactly what I'm going through right now. And it's all helping me put into perspective what the future might look like.

Honestly, I also think you should talk to his gf. Mostly because I suspect he may be stringing you both along, but also because it gives you a clear idea of whether she is someone you can live with being, to a certain extent, in your family moving forward and how she thinks she can cope with you. Because if she's clear that her relationship with your DH is over and she just wants to forge a good co parenting unit with him, that's one thing, but if she's furious at him cheating on her with his ex (you) and wants both your heads on poles, then that's a very different kettle of fish.