Separation / Reconciliation / OW pregnant

[Notgettingoverit]

Apologies if this is jumbled, but I'm in such turmoil and just don't know what to do.
I started writing my 'story' but it's long and filled with events and emotions that are hard to put in black and white.
Long story short. Separated from husband 18 months ago. He left me. We have a 3yo child.
He started a new relationship. It didn't work out.
On both sides, there's a feeling of possibility for our marriage. But he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed.
The possibility was literally just exploring whether we should attend counselling and have the opportunity to sit, talk, listen and not give up on our family with any chance of regrets at not trying.
Here's the blow. I now know why he's been so cautious and why he's been so distressed with everything.
She's pregnant.
I feel like everything is ruined.
Even without this twist, if there was a chance of us reconciling it would be a long, hard road. Friends and family would find it hard to reconnect with him and I know it shouldn't matter but it would make life more difficult and awkward. But I was still ready to see if we could maybe make a go of things.
But this is something else altogether and I just don't know what to do or feel. My thoughts are changing constantly.
Has ANYONE ever been in any similar situation.
Any insight in trying again after a separation before even taking into account this baby that is going to be born.
I think I need to keep the 2 issues separate. Find out if there's a chance for us and then whether I can live with however the baby situation plays out.
I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading.

Yes - dealing with her being the OW in my mind is something that would have been top of the list before. And counselling is something we considered and are still considering.
No, I'm not asking if this is a good idea or not. I know that this is so far from a good idea on paper.
But how do I know that for my child and I, what looks wrong on paper might actually be workable in the long run?
What I'm asking is if anyone has any kind of similar situation. Even if it's just separating and then reconciling and going on to make the marriage work.

He left you with a young baby. Why did he do that?

Because of reasons he felt the marriage wasn't working at the time.

Why are you even entertaining the idea of reconciliation?

He's a feckless asshole that in the space of less than a year has walked out on 2 relationships and 2 kids.

Standards and self respect - it's actually ok to have them you know....

What reasons?

I had a similar situation - but did not have a child. My ex (7 years) got a girl pregnant when we were on a break. We were young when we got together and though we still loved each other, a break was needed as we'd just lost sight of each others needs. We spoke every day and still saw each other - in my head, we just needed breathing space.

Anyway, the pregnant girl was the deal breaker for me. I walked away without a second thought, despite the pleading and begging. I made him buy me out of our house and that was the end of it. Being a step-mum was not the issue. The fact I'd been with someone 7 years and he felt it was ok to go out and not use protection with someone so quickly made the decision very easy. Protect yours and your DC's heart

Why did you split up?

This may not be a popular viewpoint here but reality is that sometimes relationships do end, and sometimes one or other party moves on too quickly, possibly rebound? And the subsequent relationship doesn't work out. And sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen. No woman here would be being blamed for getting pregnant by someone she had ultimately not decided to stay with. If he didn't leave for this woman and the relationship with them didn't work out then he is no more to blame for an unplanned pregnancy than she is.

The issue here is actually less complex than that. Firstly, you need to explore the reasons why you split in the first place and attempt to get past those in order to build a successful future relationship, be that together or as co parents, but at the very least be able to move forward with your lives, be that separately or together.

Secondly you need to decide whether you can face being in a relationship with someone who is due to have a baby with someone else in the near future. That is separate from whether or not your reasons for splitting can be resolved. There is now an additional child in this mix, and only you know whether you can deal with that in your relationship as well as resolving the issues which brought you here in the first place.

The reality is that this child is going to be in the equation whether you get back together or not, because it is going to be your own child's sibling, and they may have a relationship with that child regardless. But the question is whether you can rebuild your own relationship with your DH while he is symoltaneously becoming a father to a new baby with someone else. Even though that someone else is not in the relationship picture.

He left you with a young baby rather than try to work on his marriage. Then he immediately went and started a new relationship.

There's nothing to save here but your own self-respect and chance for happiness with someone whose solution to 'this isn't working at the time' with someone he has a child with isn't to just throw in the towel, get off with someone else and have another kid.

You have no positive future with someone who does and who is willing to do it again and dump his pregnant girlfriend.

I don't think it really matters if other people have overcome similar situations and made a go of it, you're not them. You, yourself could potentially rekindle a relationship with one man and yet not with another in the same situation, it's a very personal thing.

This for me is most pertinent
he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed.

If it were me I wouldn't revisit this relationship, I'd concentrate on myself, my child and my child getting along with their father. I'd wait for a relationship where I felt confident and that we were on the same page.

If that isn't what you want to hear then I'd suggest you take a step back and don't be proactive, this isn't something that can just be decided, you would be better letting it take its course, whatever that turns out to be.

I haven't posted on MN for a long time - but I do have some similar experience worth sharing I think...

My H left when we had a 1 year old baby, affair etc, awful awful time. He got the OW pregnant in our situation too.

To cut a very long story short, we tried again and I was even prepared to accept the OW's baby into our lives and do everything I could to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, my H didn't have the same values and went on to cheat again, and ultimately leave me with 2 dcs!

Sounds like I am saying 'so don't try'...but actually, quite the opposite. My situation didn't work out, but I'll never ever regret trying again. I always said I believed in my vows, and I owed it to my children to do everything I could to try and make things work. Unfortunately, ex-H didn't hold the same view and things could never be fixed. But I feel I can move on and be happy, knowing that I did everything I could. That, for me, was better than living a life where I'd have always thought 'what if' we could have fixed things...

If the same situation happened to me again I'm not sure I'd be so forgiving or understanding to be honest! But I know I did the right thing back then...

expat to be fair, the OP didn't say her ex immediately began another relationship - they've been separated for 18 months.

That's one of the problems when a relationship ends - the person ending it has already navigated the change curve and is ready to move on, while the person being left is much earlier on that journey and so seeing their ex move on, even some months later, can seem like a betrayal.

This man must have the proverbial golden penis if you are thinking of getting back with him. How pregnant is the other woman? When he slept with her - without protection - was he also telling you he'd made a mistake?

I don't think any man is worth this.

Thanks WannaBe.
You're reply echoes what I'm trying to deal with in my head.

Baffy - thank you. This is it exactly. Thanks for your honesty.

I think you need to tell us a bit more about your relationship with him Pre Break up.

Why did he end it? What is so different now that makes him want you back?

What is his relationship like with mum to be? Why did they break up? So much needs discussing.

Based on what you have told us I'm not sure.

I dont think I could go back on old ground, i would rather keep a good relationship with him and move on

How good of a father has he been to your DC? Good contact , reliable, paid appropriate support?

If he has been rubbish at that stuff, then walk away. If he has been good at that stuff, think can you cope with that level of his new child being part of your life?

Either way, I'd be walking away.

he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed

I think you need to take a step back and work on your self esteem if you are even considering trying to make it work with this man. He's not begging you to make it work, he's being cautious and closed
A relationship that's one sided never works, your self worth will be on the floor, if not already, honouring your vows for the sake of your children etc what about you?

And I do have a lot of self respect. It's taken a long time to build myself back up from the point our marriage ended.
But that's why I'm so confused. I feel strong. I know I can do this parenting alone and my child means more to me then anyone else in the world. So why am I even questioning what to do? That to me is the thing stopping me from just walking away for good.

I'm not sure the why's and wherefore' of the break up will make a lot of difference. He didn't feel the relationship was working.
Yes, he's been the best father possible to our child since then, considering the circumstances, and provides as much as he can even to the detriment of his quality of life.
Why he left and how we overcome that would be something to work at. Pre break up - I loved my life and family. Obviously we got to a break down in communications though, but with a small child in the mix and all the energy that goes on that small person, I was blind to it until it was too late.

I am sure you still have love for him, and you DD loved him too. Its so easy to say this stuff. but what you say he did, in black and white- its not good look

So He just left you and your baby then? O-Kayy.

And now he's cautious and depressed and about to have a baby with another woman?

I cant see the appeal.

he's been very, very cautious and has slowly been getting more closed off and depressed

Yes, he is not even being honest with you now. I think you are living in fantasy rom com zone. If you look at this man's actions towards you, he does not love you. He doesn't even sound like he ever loved the 'ow'.

He's a walking disaster yet somehow you seem to think something is going to change? Why do you think he is going to change and not dump you again in a few years when he gets a bit bored/ whatever his reasons were last time?

Let's just say for a moment that (even though you've spent so much energy building yourself back up) you tried to make it work with him

What makes you think he wouldn't leave again, whether for this woman or someone else? After all he's left the mother of his child twice already and isn't even trying now; instead of working like crazy to convince you, he's "closed off and depressed" - no doubt because he's worked out that his limited appeal's running out

Is he really worth any more pain?

I think if you were blind sided by him leaving once, then I'd be very very wary. You've said 'he didn't think the relationship was working'. Well...grown up talk about that, sort it out, get counselling etc etc to try and save the marriage. Did he do any of that? Or did he just up and leave?

His other child will be a constant challenge to deal with emotionally and having to see his ex gf is also going to be painful. Do you want more children? He may not as two may be more than enough! I'm a step mum and can tell you its not easy...I couldn't imagine it in your shoes.

So he left you with a young baby, after that he got into another relationship and is now leaving her pregnant (so will have another child with no family). He says he wants to come back to you, but is closed and depressed. He doesn't sound as though he puts any effort into anything. Why take him back? Move away from it all, stay strong, move on. The odds are he would leave again and you'd put your child through a roller coaster. I wouldn't even consider having him back unless he was absolutely moving heaven and earth to prove he was putting you and your child at the top of his list.