why do I have to do everything around the house?

[Dizzywhore]

My husband is a great Dad and husband. He does work hard and is out the house 7.30-6.30 5 days a week. I work part time and look after our 2 children 1 and 4.
I'm more then happy to cook every night and do the housework but I don't see why everything else isn't shared? I do all the ironing, washing, cleaning, shopping, running the kids about, weekend clubs, keeping the garden tidy his does cut the grass. I do 99% of all the care for the children even st the weekends.
Is this normal? Do most couples spit the jobs like this?

My DH occasionally falls into these ruts, leaving me to do everything. But then again so do I. At its worst when he did this I sat him down and said look this is what you have done and this is what I've had to do to make our lives livable but he didn't see it. So I just stopped doing things for him, I didn't wash his clothes or cook his meals. No toilet roll in the bathroom etc. Call me childish but within a few days he had started to get th picture and now whenever one of us falls into the rut, we know if they other says something it's because it's gone too far.

Not suggesting you cut him off like I did but just sharing experience, I hope your hubby starts to get moving soon!

I actually think that situations like this are responsible for a huge proportion of relationship breakdowns

You cannot stay in love with someone who treats you like a drudge. I think most relationships don't break down because of 'one' thing like cheating, it's because of a relentless drip drip drip of tiny, thoughtless slights.

I'm a SAHM (through illness, not choice) and Dh works full time.

I don't do much during the week apart from maintain a relatively tidy house and maybe do a couple of wash loads. I cook and the DC wash up. Dh does bedtimes and baths, I do the taxi service for the older kids.

At the weekend he does several loads of washing and hoovering and mops. I clean the bathrooms.

It wasn't always like this and when I used to WFH it used to infuriate me that he expected me to do all the housework. But we had a calm sit down chat about it and he massively upped his game.

I think we were supposed to cow down in the face of the well-stamped passport and understand that what with DrM being a manly engineer we should agree that housework is beneath him.

It's funny, my DH also works in the oil and gas industry, has worked in some of the most far flung places in the world. Has repaired things that most people don't even know exist, and when I met him his mum went to his house to ensure that he returned to clean clothes, sheets, and a stocked fridge. The man responsible for the safety of thousands had no clue how to turn on a washing machine.
The same man is currently changing the sheets on every bed in our house, that he washed himself. Cooks as many meals as I do, gets the kids up and ready for school if he's home. I genuinely can't think of anything that I do which he doesn't. Or can't. MIL is still in shock 16 years after we got together

It's possible, you know, to bring a shit load more to the table than work. Something I am infinitely grateful for as my work wouldn't be possible if my very important husband allowed his ego to weigh him down at the front door while I did the wife work.

AF you are distorting the facts as usual. I said quite clearly earlier on When I grew up my SAHM did everything. I never did a tap. More importantly I was never taught that I had to do anything. When I got married I never even gave house work a thought, but I got a rude awakening

Soon after getting married and to this day I cook, clean, iron etc (I do all the cooking). My DW and I share everything else, as one would expect.

My point was, people usually men don't always get taught all this house stuff when growing up. So often its not a idiocy, lack of capability, or macho'ism, rather its a lack of being taught.

DrM, do you think OP's husband doesn't know about all the work she does? Do you think he is incapable of learning now? Do you think not being taught as a child is an excuse to do bugger all now?

What is your point?

On my experience, talking about it doesn't make any difference.
What you need to start DOING. Or more to the point in that case, to STOP doing.

Just say: at the weekend, you are in charge of putting the dcs to bed (Friday to Sunday). They need time with their dad. That's it. When Friday comes, make yourself unavailable. Remind him gently he is the one doing it and then kea e him to it.
Same with cooking a meal, doing the shopping, whatever bugs you the most.
Two things can happen. He will step up to it and show he is indeed a good dad and husband.
Or he will fight and show his true colour.

DrM, to nail this down (for me at least) it's not a lack of being taught it's a lack of thought

Ignorance is no defence

And you are blaming your mother for not teaching you ? Nice. It's the women's fault...of course, silly me.

DrM tbh my experience is that, unless said man has never been out if his parents house, eg hasn't lived in a student accommodation, shared flat etc, there is no reason why they wound arrived to a marriage wo knowing how to run a house. Maybe what they would do us a minimum. Maybe it's not to the same standard than their DW. But they should know how to wash clothes, iron them, cook a meal, run the Hoover.
I have seen though my may engineer if a DH looking at me and trying to convince me he couldn't use the new washing machine as it was new. Well though! You gave to learn just like me. And no I'm not going to fiend 10mins doing so. Here are the instructions...

And I am very good too at my job.

I am still that I can argue passport stamps with my DH to do less at home.

My DH would not be my DH if he didn't get on with stuff. He points out to me stories of senior women at his work who still seem burdened with all the home crap as their DP don't pull their weight.

As a PP mentioned it is a team effort and without that I find it hard to hear someone described as a "good dad good DH".

Wtf happened to my page long post!!

No one taught me how to do housework but I still manage it. If you really don't know how to do something ( and actually unless you have lived in a cave untouched by civilisation I just don't believe that explanation ) then I am sure Google could help you. If people can function at work then they can make a bed or put a wash on.

Actually, DrM maybe you could explain to the OP what made you suddenly realise you had to pull your socks up.
If you hadn't been taught, what has your DW done? Did she have to explain everything to you, did yoou get get it by looking sat what she was doing?

DrM doesn't want to help the op, whatever gave you that idea ?

He just likes to try and goad other posters and winkle out the manhating. He's kinda obsessed about that. It must be because he is an engineer. A well travelled engineer. Or summat.

Do you honestly think that a grown man is incapable of understanding that there is work to be done round the house without being 'talked to' by his wife? When he has the entire weekend as leisure time and she is running around doing all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/childcare?

I can understand a child not realising what their mother does while they're at school every day, but the OP must be working her arse off right in front of her DH and he is happy to let her.

Good point feckity I can't argue with that. Other than to say the issue should probably have been addressed well before it got to this stage.

addressed by whom ?

My DH and I have an agreement that we should have equal "free time" so each evening when he comes in from work whoever continues to look after DS and do his bedtime, the other will tidy up do dinner etc... Neither of us sits down to relax til we both can.

Same at weekends - we either do half days tag in/tag out on leisure time / chores or we go by the same rule as in the week - neither gets to sit down and relax if there's things to do.

Domestic work & childcare is equal to paid employment.

AF as a well travelled engineer, can I find HW hard to do and rely on my partner to do it too?

HW is fucking horrible. No arguments there. That's why leaving it for the womenfolk to take ultimate responsibility for is such a shitty thing to do (individual and mutually agreed situations aside of course).