why do I have to do everything around the house?

[Dizzywhore]

My husband is a great Dad and husband. He does work hard and is out the house 7.30-6.30 5 days a week. I work part time and look after our 2 children 1 and 4.
I'm more then happy to cook every night and do the housework but I don't see why everything else isn't shared? I do all the ironing, washing, cleaning, shopping, running the kids about, weekend clubs, keeping the garden tidy his does cut the grass. I do 99% of all the care for the children even st the weekends.
Is this normal? Do most couples spit the jobs like this?

This is why my ex is now my ex! After 15 yrs I had had enough, one of the last straws was when I asked him to clean the ensuite - he did clean it but it was with moist toilet tissue FFS!!

Now he lives in his own house in his own dirty mess which is not my problem and I am less stressed and happier..

I honestly can't believe how so many on here don't lose sanity of the fact you have to do so much more than your partner!

We both work full time and do equal amount of housework & cooking. And I mean I don't ask Husband or point out tasks that need doing (God, it was like that at the beginning of the relationship and it makes me shudder how frustrating it was!)

I could not bear to not have these boring tasks equally split. Yesterday was his turn to clean kitchen and he didn't wash the sink - I pulled him up on that now. I don't understand why I have to scrub the sink properly, and he just leaves crumbs in there.

He cooks meals from scratch, packs lunches, washes bedding, hovers - all without asking, or reminding.

The reason I'm telling this is because he was the biggest mummy's boy - mum never worked, husband never changed bedding, cooked, hovered, washed a plate - in his life! (Seriously)
I absolutely wasn't gonna put up with that and taught him how to cook, how to do housework, when to change bedding.

Took about 6 months to get him to understand how to run a household, but oh god it was really frustrating and at times soul destroying. I just really think women should pull up men on this behaviour. It's really, really not acceptable.

My dad (RIP) was one of the last to be conscripted. In the army he learned to wash, iron, polish shoes and look after himself (I've no idea how he got on with the rest of it, he was the sweetest natured, quietest, gentlest man I've ever known). When he left and married my mum, I was brought up with two parents who split the housework. Dad worked shifts, and when he was home he cleaned, cooked, did laundry, took us to school - did everything my mum did outside her work hours (she worked school hours, termtime).

When I got married I was horrified to find that most men didn't think this way, and believed that women are better at washing up, laundry, hoovering etc. I've left a lot of men in my wake in my search for a bloke who knows how to work the white boxes in the kitchen...

Chalky3 that's so sad to read. Why does he not do anything? What does he do literally all day?

Do you think you deserve to come home to a freshly made dinner, your clothes washed and folded into a wardrobe, things put away and husband waiting with a glass of wine?

Think how little effort that is required from him, given that he's at home all day. And think how happy and fulfilled it would make you feel - to come home as described above?

It takes so little effort from him to make you happy. But he is not bothered. That's really, really disrespectful.

Why do you think he is a great dad because he plays with his children and loves them? There is more than that to being a good parent - does he get up in the night with them if they have been sick, make sure they have everything in their school bag, take them for new shoes, rsvp to their party invitations, take them to doctors appointments etc

I do feel for you. You are not alone. I am and have been in the same situation but my boys are now 9 and 10. My advice is try to change the balance and get him to do stuff. I did try that but did not get any result. Maybe your DH will be more responsive.

I'm another who eventually left XH partly for this behaviour. I also told myself that he was a good father (it was obvious he wasn't a good partner even to me) but I stayed because this was his redeeming feature. But I was deluding myself.

We had hugely different expectations for the condition of the house - I was more relaxed as long as the basics were done, my priority was to have happy DC and saw my main role as to play with and care for the DC. But he wanted a pristine show home and expected me to do everything. This was the same when I was a SAHM and when I was working part time. His job and entitlement trumped everything.

He was once screeching at me for the 'state of the house' and I tried to tell him that it was hard to get anything done with a very clingy, teething baby attached to my boob constantly so he grabbed her and shoved her into the high chair while she wailed and barked at me to 'start cleaning, it's not hard'. No, not hard for him when his slave was doing it all. He was NOT a good father and still isn't because he is showing our DC's that his needs come first, even before theirs.

He did apologise around a month after I left him. Apparently having them a couple of weekends on his own had shown him how much is involved and how hard it was. He'll never know how much harder that was with a newborn and toddler though. He continues to be a shit father even now.

So op, I think it very much depends on his attitude. Is the underlying belief that it is your job to do it all or has he become a little too blasé? I tried several times to get XH to understand but I was wasting my time because he had deep seated views that women were for cleaning and doing sex to.

How much part-time work do you do? What would happen if you went back to work FT?

These men who "don't realise" that it isn't housework fairies who magic up all the shitwork done at the end of the day sound really, really stupid

Don't they just - stupidity and laziness - such unattractive traits

dr morbius

Didn't you live independently before marriage? Or did you go straight from home to wife?

Genuinely baffled as to how anyone can reach adulthood and not understand the work that goes into a household. I remember my first week at uni (about a million years ago) having to explain to a charming but clueless young man how you washed clothes.

Glad you do it now though (and yay! Mass effect 4 out in the new year, huzzah!)

I have to say, there's nothing attractive at all about a man who doesn't pull his weight at home. Dont these men realise this? Or do they just not care?
The only possible exception I can think of is super high powered long hours careers where BOTH partners are assisted by hiring in help (nanny, Gardeners , whatever.)
This morning dh got up at five to wrangle ds and give me an hour of sleep. During that time he started his email, fed ds, teeth, changed and brought me a cuppa. He then went to work. I looked after ds, laundry, groceries, fed ds. He came home, I put our dinner on while I bathed ds, he then finished cleared up and served dinner while I got ds into bed (hoho, for the 3.9 nanoseconds he stayed there.) I'll be up half the night with him. that's teamwork. There is no way on god's green earth I'd stay with a man who expected me to do 100% of the domestic shit.

This is selfish, thoughtless, lazy, childish, pathetic behaviour. I get quite mad reading these threads, I just despair. We are so, so far from equality aren't we? Yet the papers bang on about 'feminazis' if we point it out.

Fuckwits.

Straight from mummy to wife

Men that don't know how a house runs are pathetic

These Little Boy Losts grind my gears.

Deeply insexy too. I like a capable man. And not just the ability to strip a motorbike down too. Proper manly parenting and floor scrubbing. I'd mount that

Straight from mummy to wife

When I was doing my PhD I lived in a house share and one girl moved her utterly useless boyfriend in. He'd moved straight from mummy to her and had no idea how to do anything. He literally could not heat up baked beans.

One weekend she was away and he sat around looking lost on the sofa and said 'will you make my dinner?'
I laughed heartily. Then realised he wasn't joking
The next day he asked me how to make soup. I started on 'well, onions and carrots in a heavy based pan with a little oil' and he looked forlorn and held up a can. A can. He couldn't heat a can of soup.

Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.

OK AF and Zaurak bit of an outing but here goes, (long story, long)

DM born in 1935, married in 1957, DB came along in 1958, next DB came along 1959 and me 1965. DM never worked again after pregnant with oldest DB. Parents very, very traditional. DM did house, DF did work.

Even after I went to high school DM never worked outside the home (only later did my oldest DB tell me DM had anxiety issues. I had no idea. I guess its obvious that a 40 something woman not having worked for 20+ years would be fearful of re-joining the work force).

So the house was done while I was out at school etc. Growing up it never occurred to me about the complexities of "keeping house", it was all done "out of sight. Just like the complexities of running a plane never occurs to you, before you go on holiday. It all goes on out of sight.

My DM was trapped in a situation that ultimately didn't help her or me (I suspect).

As AF put Men that don't know how a house runs are pathetic This may be the case, but me like many others, are a victim of my circumstances {we don't know what we don't know).

Still wouldn't swap my DM.

BTW - AF - I like a capable man FYI - I am an Engineer (a real one, with a degree) in the Oil & Gas industry, I have been to more countries in the world (working) than any other person I have ever met. From Azerbaijan to Yucatán (I know its a province rather than a country).

So what capabilities do you bring to the table?........you can change a sheet (BFD)

I do think a lot of women are responsible for getting into these situations. I am such a "slut" that no man has ever looked at me and thought that I was good housewife material .

Wow DrMorbius, bitter much?

Either running a house is some magical behind-the-scenes super talent or it isn't, make your bloody mind up.

It's one thing not having to do anything growing up (my DH and his brother did naff all). It's quite another to think that things must clean and replace themselves...

In a relationship being able to change a sheet is about a thousand times more useful than being an engineer. Also I am guessing that you learnt how to be an engineer in adulthood, so learning about the magic art of sheet changing could have been done then too.

You really don't like to be challenged do you, DrM?

I think the trouble is that so often women tell their DH's how they feel and ask for more help - and don't get it.

Ignorance, I can forgive. You don't know what you don't know. But once someone has pointed something out to you, a decent person takes on board any unfairness and changes.

There is nothing about housework that is rocket science. Any capable adult can learn to be competent at it in a short space of time if they have the will and see it as their responsibility equally.

I used to work with a South African man who grew up with a household of staff, a garden "boy" or ten and a driver. He never saw his mother or father lift a finger and had obviously never done a thing for himself, even while away at uni [some sort of fully staffed residence]

Then he moved to London and had to fend for himself. He ended up in A&E with badly burned hands after an incident with an M&S ready meal and a new microwave, he bought a ton of luxe clothing in Harvey Nichols and promptly shrank it, had a run in with the council bailiffs for not registering/paying his council tax. He was a lovely guy but genuinely clueless so I do have some sympathy for DrM. It's well outside my experience of life but some people do grow up with that level of privilege with a total lack of awareness as to how stuff gets done.

I've lost touch with him now but I know he's now married to an English girl and has a young family. I sometimes wonder how she is faring and whether he stepped up on the nappy changing front

OP - it's not normal for most, but it is for many. The point is that it is not working for you and you don't appear to be getting any time off to yourself. With small children it is normal for life to be a bit relentless for both husband and wife for a few years. Downtime, real kick your shoes off and relax is few and far between ime. What percentage of the domestic responsibilities are yours/his varies in every family depending on circumstances, you need to have a chat about what you need him to be doing [not "helping you with"] so you both get some time off.

Pointing out that no grown adult wants to go to a 4yo birthday party as time off might be a good start. He is not doing you a favour by cutting the grass while you take two kids to soft play .

Fucking hell, DrM. You must have balls like watermelons.

As for AF's remark about floorscrubbing, I couldn't possibly comment.

He was a lovely guy but genuinely clueless so I do have some sympathy for DrM.

The problem is, DrMobius grew up not knowing the work that goes into running a house. I assume he has now been enlightened, but still thinks it's not his job to change the bedding, due to his incredible degree in Engineering and his well stamped passport...

(WTF does how many countries you've been to have to do with anything on this thread)

OP - you shouldn't have to everything. My DH works similar hours to yours, I'm a SAHM and part-time student. DH pulls his weight thoroughly and uncomplainingly, and without any input from me - e.g., he'll see a full washing basket and put a load on, and depending on who's around/busy with the dcs, will put it out to dry and put the dry clothes away. Because he's a grown up.