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Original poster

Do most heroin addicts almost always relapse?

61 replies

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 01:10

The back story is that I was with this guy for about 4 years. I did really love him but he had a heroin addiction when he was 18, was clean for 10 years and then suddenly relapsed. After about 6 months of wondering what the hell was going on with him, I decided I had to leave him because there was nothing I could do.

This was 3 years ago, now. Suddenly, he has got back in contact saying he's clean and he really misses me and wants us to give it another try. He has apparently got clean by going to live with his mum and dad again for a while. I always knew that the first sign of him being clean would be that he would want to see me again because we were really in love before he relapsed. I think he has unresolved pain issues from his past though (he witnessed a good friend committing suicide :()

In the 3 years since this happened I have dated other people and haven't found anyone whose company I enjoyed as much as him. When I met him, he was very together and he was also lovely with all my children. The problem, of course is that I feel that there is likely to be a high chance that he will relapse again in the future.

Would I be mad to give him another chance?

OP posts:

CiaoVerona · 16/05/2016 16:10

In terms of the actual stats at least 90% of those attending 12 step will obtain zero clean time while rehabs have a 20% success rate the facts are evidence based treatment is now becoming more available.

The majority of those addicted regardless of type will have multiple relapses before they obtain any long periods of being the fact he manged 10 years clean suggests the probability is he can live life clean.

Attilia What a ridiclous statement he won't get clean because his parents paid for his treatment are you a counselor in 12 step?
You sound like the zealots that repeat endlessly if you don't follow 12 step you'll die a sad death. In fact, the evidence suggests 12 step fails over 90% of those who attend. I presume your reply is they did not want it enough!

cocochanel21 · 16/05/2016 17:23

From experience the answer would be YES.

Jan45 · 16/05/2016 17:30

I'd not bother tbh, it's 3 years, you are possibly thinking it could be great not just because he is telling you he's clean but also because you mention you've not met anyone as good as him - if it wasn't for the kids I'd say maybe take the risk but I'm afraid my children would be nowhere near him, whether reformed or not.

hazelangell · 16/05/2016 18:16

An ex of mine had a heroin addiction before we met, it was a constant battle to keep him away from certain groups of people and to help keep him clean, I had to have sole control of finances (if he wanted anything he could have it no questions asked but I had to make sure bills etc were paid or he wouldn't do it). One day we were taking and he said that EVERY SINGLE DAY he thought about heroin, first thing when he woke and last thing at night ..... he'd been clean for two or three years at this point, it really broke my heart for him and made me realise just how strong the addiction is and that although someone is clean, they are still an addict. When we broke up he went straight back on it and was in and out of prison. I loved him but would never ever have gone back. Everyone is different though I guess.

Original poster

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 18:20

Hazel - yes he's tried that on me before - dumping wads of cash on me because he couldn't make sure he had enough for the important things. I've made it clear that that is something I will never accept again. If he wants to be with me then I need evidence that he's functioning normally on a day to day basis. But yes it is awful - I feel for anyone who has this daily battle.

OP posts:

grobagsforever · 16/05/2016 18:38

I just lost a friend to heroin addiction. He'd been clean for 15 years and relapsed. Early forties.

When I was a teenager my mum dated an alcoholic who had been dry for a year. He relapsed. Still remember sitting in pub waiting for him to drink up (my mum is/was co-dependant).

As you have children, I'd keep well away. There are other men out there for you, I promise.

CiaoVerona · 16/05/2016 18:51

How long is he clean Mia?What triggered his relapse and how long did it take for him to get clean again.

In my experience its best anyone in early recovery should spend at least the first year on their own they need to learn to live alone, paying bills and being self sufficient. Honestly, in all matters is in my mind key to recovery, stopping using drugs is but a step in the right direction.

It could be hes feeling guilty and looking back on the past as and looking to fix the mistakes he made none of which are great reasons to start a relationship.

A lot of addicts jump into relationships trying to make up for lost time and find a break down triggers a relapse ,hence the suggestion you wait a few years.

I also don't buy this argument you can't get clean and lead a decent life I know at least 5 plus Ex addicts clean for 20 plus years they are clean longer then they used. All have families/kids and are quite successful.

Maybe, start out as friends and see how his recovery go's,make it clear you won't start or have a relationship till he's clean for X years, you both may find in that period its not what either of you want.

Missyaggravation · 16/05/2016 18:53

My sister got clean via methodone and hasn't relapsed think it must be coming up 20 years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2016 19:04

"Attilia What a ridiclous statement he won't get clean because his parents paid for his treatment are you a counselor in 12 step?"

No I did not say that at all. His parents were likely at their wits end but paid (twice) for something that ultimately did not work. Any attempts from family to solve the addiction problem without the addict being totally and utterly onboard with the whole concept of rehab rarely has a good outcome.

CiaoVerona · 16/05/2016 19:07

Miss Don't mention hard reduction treatments here you'll find they suggest your sister is not actually clean but is in fact addicted to another substance.

I myself, think its far better to live life free of all substances. Some addicts need long term opiate replacement therapy the evidence suggests its use far outweighs the negatives. Sadly, addiction or it various treatments are not well understood there is no one set of protocols that suit all addicts.

reader77 · 16/05/2016 19:13

I have experience professionally and personally and I would say: if you have a choice, don't go back. A relationship with someone with substance misuse issues is a major underlying part of the relationship and unless you can accept it as such, avoid it. Loving an addict is almost as bad as having an addiction yourself, as even when they are clean, there is always always the fear of it swallowing them again.

There is a danger he will lapse (one off using) but perhaps not relapse into the whole lifestyle?

It sounds like you have your eyes wide open anyway. X

Dozer · 16/05/2016 19:20

Yabu for even considering it when you have DC to consider.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/05/2016 19:24

How old are your kids op? I'd be very careful for their sakes - of the 3 generations of heroin addicts I've got family experience with, they were introduced to the drugs by an older family member. My worst case scenario isn't you having to leave this bloke again, it's that your kids like this person, he relapses, they keep up a relationship with him with or without your knowledge and it leads them to a bad place.

Dozer · 16/05/2016 19:33

You split up over 3 years ago so not getting into a relationship with him again isn't going to cause you much upset.

Not meeting anyone great in the interim is by-the-by, not an indicator of how great your ex was by comparison.

Salene · 16/05/2016 20:15

People do get clean and stay clean

Look at Danny Trejo, herion addict from the age of 13, many years in out of prison addicted to drugs.

Now at the age of 71, he’s one of the most prolific actors in America. And been clean since 1969

CiaoVerona · 16/05/2016 20:23

So, you're suggesting if he broke up with her hes gonna start sticking needles in their arms? That's an outrageous statement.
The guy is clean, absolutely she does not have to date him again I said same myself, writing him off is simply wrong. With these attitudes why would addict get clean.

Original poster

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 20:40

My children are 14, 12 and 7.

For him it's as though time stopped for two years but I got on with my life.

OP posts:

CherryVinRouge · 16/05/2016 20:43

My ex DP was an addict, I stopped him from seeing our son who was then aged three after I had found out he had used drugs while he was in his care. He didn't see his son for ten years and got back in touch as he had got clean and his life was in a much better place. He saw his son twice, then as treat he decided to go and score and as he had not used in such a long time he overdosed and died. This is very sadly not uncommon. I would never ever, even for one moment consider allowing your ex back in your life, it is not worth the risk. Leave the past in the past and move forward to something and someone better.

MunchCrunch01 · 16/05/2016 21:07

Ciao what I'm suggesting is that when people relapse they can do all sorts of bad things and I wouldn't want my teenagers involved with that, teens are very impressionable and susceptible to looking for alternative cooler parents. As I said, I didn't read about this in the daily mail and not all former addicts say former addicts for very long.

Original poster

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 21:11

Cherry how awful.

OP posts:

CherryVinRouge · 16/05/2016 22:21

It was very sad, but the one good thing that came out of it was my lovely son became very focused at school and college and is very anti drugs, he wants to be everything that his Dad wasn't able to be. I am very proud of him and weird as it sounds some positive came from a very sad and traumatising situation, I am well aware it could have been so different. Do look after yourself lottieandmia2 and think of your lovely children, we all want a happy ending you just have to weigh up the pros and cons for yourself.

CiaoVerona · 16/05/2016 22:38

Well Munch the type of inter generational dysfunction you describe suggests addiction is but one problem they are dealing with.
I met have met plenty of addicts I have never met any that thought getting a kid hooked on drugs was acceptable. Is there a subset of all of society including addicts that are complete scumbags. Yes, there is they are the minority.
Actually, the greatest danger any relapsing addict faces is an Overdose they have no tolerance-shoot up and sadly die.

Original poster

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 22:59

Thank you for all your kind and heart felt responses. I don't think I can bring myself to get back with him at the moment. I've actually enjoyed being alone these last couple of years.

OP posts:

Andante58 · 16/05/2016 23:20

I was a heroin addict for about a year. I used to smoke it on foil.
Then I got sober in NA and stayed sober for 35 years.
Four years ago I had a major operation and was in such pain afterwards that I accepted a morphine injection, and after 35 years sobriety, just like that, I was straight back in its grip.
I spent a week trying to get as much morphine as I could, then finally saw what was happening and rang a friend in NA who said "think this through: go back on heroin and you will lose your wonderful DH and wonderful dc; you will lose your career, your nice house and your friends; everything that you have achieved and built up over the past 35 years will be lost and you will cause misery to your nearest and dearest. Think about it".
As soon as I left hospital I went to an NA meeting and I have been sober ever since.
It is certainly possible to get off heroin and stay off it, but once an addict always an addict, albeit a recovering one.
Cunning, baffling, powerful heroin certainly is, but thanks to NA, I - and any other addict who wants to - can stay off it a day at a time.

CiaoVerona · 17/05/2016 00:29

Andante Well done for getting clean again you must have being around NA when it first started in London!

I absolutely don't believe that suggestion once and addict always an addict its simply something that came from AA which translated into NA there is no actual evidence once you're addicted you cannot fully recover.

Actually, no you're wrong not everyone that wants recovery gets it at meetings less then 5% of all those who attend meetings become clean and sober by any other measures that would be considered a complete failure its simply not true to say those who fail did not want it enough.

There is plenty of evidence based treatment for addictions that are working without to having to subject yourself to 12 step type treatments.

I do accept some people find help at 12 step its by no means the only way too get clean.

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