Friends with benefits and feelings :(

[Glitterrunsthroughmyveins]

Hello! Newbie! Sorry if this post is in the wrong place I didn't really know what I'm doing lol. I just need some outside opinions please.

So ... I'm currently in a 'friends with benefits' relationship. So basically we are strictly 'f*ck buddies' we have great sex ... He's hot as hell and we have a laugh but we've always said we wouldn't allow 'feelings' to develop. (He actually says this a lot; don't get feelings for me babe I don't wanna hurt u etc etc') however ...... The other day I called him pal and he shot me down ... Don't call me pal... Call me babe, I'm not your pal I'm more than that. They he says things like 'your mine' and we cuddle ALOT ... There's even been nights we won't even have sex anymore we literally just chill out watch films and cuddle. He's always grabbing me for hugs in the house if I walk past he just cuddles me and calls me babe and baby. Kisses my forehead strokes my hair, tickles my back etc etc ... All the things that can trigger feelings to develop. However just last night we again had the 'you haven't caught feelings?' Convo. He again said ' please don't fall in love with me' then afterwards in the night he pulled me to him for a cuddle and said come here babe your mine, this morning he's doing all the affectionate shit again.
If he sees me messaging other guys he gets all moody but then says he's not Jelous and I'm single so I can do what I like, yet he's very private with his phone and Iv seen him messaging other girls whilst he's with me and I'm not gonna lie , it cuts deep.
I'm so god damn confused!!!!!!! It was all fun and games at first but I think I might be falling and I don't know if he wants to catch me or not!! This guy means the world to me and gives me amazing advice , as well as amazing sex , he's like my best friend , I can't loose him.
Outside opinions please! I'm going mental I think! X

Hi, op.

Been there, done that - with all the trimmings. It's bullsh_t, op. He wants to be sleeping with a woman who is really into him, that is all.

If he really wanted you as gf material, you would know & not be second guessing.

I have had this for four years with a guy. And at first, I believed we would progress, we didn't. And thank goodness because he is not the type of guy I would go for. We have really good sex, go out for meals & it's kept stress~free. I don't really think of him outside the bedroom & wouldn't give too hoots if he met someone & it couldn't continue, except I'd miss the sex.

Either get it platonic or run for the hills. Or realise that all the post~coital is just bs.

Thank you every body. I'm reading all of this advice and my heart is sinking because I know it's all true. Every single word of it. I feel a total fool 😔 I'm trying to cut the contact but I'm finding it so hard. I find myself staring at my phone , he's all I'm thinking about and I know that's not healthy. He tried to ring me about 2 hours ago and I just froze staring at the screen. I wanted to answer I really really did, and I was sat with tears in my eyes with my finger hovering over the green button. He's text me after wards 'just checking in babe call me when you get a minute xx' this is so f*cking hard 😥

Yes its hard.

Keep busy. Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Go to the cinema.

Don't be available for him.

You did well not to answer. Can I just ask how old you both are? He is very cruel as I said.

It is hard. But staying in this situation will be harder in the long run.

Well done for not answering. Stay strong. You don't owe him a thing.

Well done OP.

I've been where you are OP, be strong lovely X

Tell him how you feel.

If he's decent he will be with you. If he's a knob he'll run.

It's OK for him to say you're his 'Babe' and that your his. It's OK for him to date other women and sleep with whoever he wants as you're JUST FWB.

But don't do that to him, OK? He's not happy if you date or see other men..... and it's not OK to fall in love with him because it's just sex.

It's OK for him to ignore you... or not answer straight away as it's JUST FWB - But make sure you reply to him straight away... and that you feed his ego by calling him 'Babe'.

He's a hypocritical twat. He doesn't like you enough to dare you, but doesn't like the idea of others dating you. I'd ignore him and move on.

FWB means sex. What you have is 'relationship light' with him treating you abysmally and you treating him like a boyfriend. Life is too short. Please don't waste your twenties on this waste of space (I assume you are 20 something, sorry if not)

Another one wearing the t-shirt here... The previous poster who describes a narc that don't go away - like stuck chewing gum - made me laugh hollowly.

I know what it is like to be in love with an emotionally unavailable man who gives mixed messages. I know that feeling in your gut - that you can change him, help heal his damage, he just needs someone to prove they are there for him always, no judgements, he just needs to know that even at his worst, he is lovable.

It's bullshit though. Your friend is very very unlikely to change his ways. He sounds a lot like my old 'friend' actually. Constantly texting other women in front of me, telling me I meant the world to him, don't leave me, I can't give you what you want but I need you...

It's compelling stuff. It's bullshit. Utter. And I look back and wonder how on earth I ever fell for it. Madness. My friend was very good looking too. I think he felt like there was always something better out there. He was entitled to the best. I wasn't the best. I was just kind and loving and put up with his shit.

Walk away while you still have a shred of dignity. It is the only way to save your sanity. And he might follow you. He might realise that you are for him. I seriously seriously doubt it, but it is the only way I can see forward for you.

Good luck. There is pure unconditional love out there for you.

Best tell him it's over then cut all contact. You've known him a very short time and he has been a lover not a friend, and he's obviously poor friendship material and you have feelings for him, so no relationship at all would be most sensible.

Yea we are both in our 20's. Both 25.

OP I've never spoken about this in RL, I broke away, twice. It hurt like crazy and I thought my heart had broken into millions of pieces. We were great friends, my feelings developed, he was unavailable, I remember sitting on the pavement sobbing my heart out when I told him we couldn't be friends anymore. I bumped into him a couple of years later, friendship reunited, lines crossed as the attraction was so strong, but still wasn't the right time. Time passed, those 'things' finally crossed the line when we'd known each other 10 years, I saw on FB he was thinking of someone else and it hurt like mad. I made the choice to break away, my heart breaking for the second time, I had to be strong as I didn't really want to do it, I wanted him in my life if only as a friend, but I knew it would never work that way. Don't get me wrong, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I still think about it even now, 8 years down the line, but I know it was the right thing to do.

The pertinent thought which occurs to me when someone has been stuck with a guy like this for 3 or 5 years is that this kind of man clearly isn't capable of relationships full stop. Otherwise they wouldn't spend 5 years only wanting to see a fuck buddy.

The narc I referred to upthread - he was exactly the same. Telling me what an amazing person I was all the time and then saying it would never be serious though. He was also jealous about me seeing other people and would drop this into the conversation too. After a while I began to realise that he actually gets off on making women fall in love with him and then telling them they can't be with him.

He started telling me about a work acquaintence who apparently fell in love with him and was waiting around for him after work or making up excuses to speak to him about a patient (they were apparently both doctors). I am sure he completely manipulated that to happen himself.

With me, I figured him out quickly and then I refused to see him again. Since then he has tried every avenue he can think of to regain my interest in him but it's never going to happen. This was 3 years ago (eye roll)