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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends with benefits and feelings :(

67 replies

Glitterrunsthroughmyveins · 14/05/2016 19:41

Hello! Newbie! Sorry if this post is in the wrong place I didn't really know what I'm doing lol. I just need some outside opinions please.

So ... I'm currently in a 'friends with benefits' relationship. So basically we are strictly 'f*ck buddies' we have great sex ... He's hot as hell and we have a laugh but we've always said we wouldn't allow 'feelings' to develop. (He actually says this a lot; don't get feelings for me babe I don't wanna hurt u etc etc') however ...... The other day I called him pal and he shot me down ... Don't call me pal... Call me babe, I'm not your pal I'm more than that. They he says things like 'your mine' and we cuddle ALOT ... There's even been nights we won't even have sex anymore we literally just chill out watch films and cuddle. He's always grabbing me for hugs in the house if I walk past he just cuddles me and calls me babe and baby. Kisses my forehead strokes my hair, tickles my back etc etc ... All the things that can trigger feelings to develop. However just last night we again had the 'you haven't caught feelings?' Convo. He again said ' please don't fall in love with me' then afterwards in the night he pulled me to him for a cuddle and said come here babe your mine, this morning he's doing all the affectionate shit again.
If he sees me messaging other guys he gets all moody but then says he's not Jelous and I'm single so I can do what I like, yet he's very private with his phone and Iv seen him messaging other girls whilst he's with me and I'm not gonna lie , it cuts deep.
I'm so god damn confused!!!!!!! It was all fun and games at first but I think I might be falling and I don't know if he wants to catch me or not!! This guy means the world to me and gives me amazing advice , as well as amazing sex , he's like my best friend , I can't loose him.
Outside opinions please! I'm going mental I think! X

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 15/05/2016 11:08

Find me a human being who hasn't experienced pain, hurt or trauma at some point in their lives. Most manage not to be dicks.

He's playing you like a fiddle

Original poster
Glitterrunsthroughmyveins · 15/05/2016 11:49

8 months as friends (nothing else) then last 3 months as FWB

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 15/05/2016 11:53

You will throw yourself away on this, he'll never want a proper relationship with you so the amount of time you waste with him now is entirely on your shoulders

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2016 11:54

Then you really need to look at how quickly you 'give yourself' and your feelings, Glitter, this man's son is nothing to you. I assumed it was years but then was doubtful as a friend of years' standing wouldn't treat you this way.

Make plans to distance yourself now, whilst you still can. The tears you had reading the thread are nothing compared to the ones you will cry if you let him continue messing with your head as he is currently doing. There is no other way out from this that will work for you. Thanks

IthinkIamsinking · 15/05/2016 11:54

Everyone has been hurt...it is no excuse to behave in the way he is. You have stated he is controlling...... would you really want to be with someone like this? Let me tell you.... it is an utterly miserable existence.
It WILL be hard to walk away but for your own emotional well being you really need to. This man is not r'ship material. You need to stop making excuses for him an stop giving yourself reasons to stay with him.

It will be bloody hard at first but I promise you it will get easier.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/05/2016 12:00

He's been such a massive part of my life for so long. I know I deserve better, I tell myself this all the time. Its just gonna be very very hard to walk away.

He's been in your life for 8 MONTHS... that is no time at all. Look at the way you're writing, Glitter, you're projecting all kinds of romance, feeling and relationship into something that just isn't real. You're doing that.

What he is doing is feeding into your fantasy because he knows this is what you're doing. I would bet that you've only posted a few things about your FWB because deep down you know that posters here will tell you straight. There must have been sufficient doubts in what you think you have to have posted in the first place - listen to those doubts, Glitter, that's your gut feeling telling you to move on.

TheWiseOldFairy · 15/05/2016 13:39

Sorry if this comes across as blunt OP. But 8 months is nothing.

He only feels like a massive part of your life because he has encouraged you to be emotionally dependant on him.

  • You don't own property together.
  • You don't have kids together.
  • You are not even in a relationship.
  • You may consider him a friend but is he really? True friends look out for you and want the best for you.
  • You are someone he fucks when it's convenient and whom he enjoys toying with.

He will never give you what you want and you will continue to hang about on the periphery of his life until he gets bored and drops you entirely. Don't allow this to happen. End it. You have no ties to him. Walking away will not be complicated. Emotionally difficult yes but you could easily make a clean break.

End it. You are worth more than this.

Original poster
Glitterrunsthroughmyveins · 15/05/2016 15:40

Thank you everybody

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 15/05/2016 16:19

It's been less than a year and already he has hurt you so much. Imagine how much more hurt you would feel if he was still like this in 5 years time!

This man will never offer you a relationship. Dump and move on.

haveacupoftea · 15/05/2016 17:15

You are being used for sex. Dont convince yourself youre the special one out of the many women he sleeps with. You all get fed the same lines.

Dump him and his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Slowdecrease · 15/05/2016 17:29

Yes youre being completely used. How long you let it go on for from this point on is YOUR fault not his.

Imbroglio · 15/05/2016 20:21

Oh I don't know. I assume it started out mutual but he's messing with your head now for reasons best known to himself. You've had lots of fun. Tell him you've had a great time but it doesn't work for you now. No regrets. Put it down to experience.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/05/2016 20:26

He's been in your life for 8 months, and he's already very controlling?

You should run for that reason alone. Add in that you've got feelings and he behaves like a dick and he shouldn't see you got dust.

Dozer · 15/05/2016 20:33

"Babe" constantly and "you're mine" - bleugh!

He isn't and never (in the 8 months you've know him) has been a close friend, or even a friend. You had "feelings of love" for him and were sucked in by his sob story. He probably saw you as a potential shag from the start.

Doesn't matter what his baggage is, he's a dick to you and probably other women too.

Dozer · 15/05/2016 20:33

Oh yes, run for the hills!

thefourgp · 15/05/2016 21:49

If he wanted to be in a loving and committed relationship with you, he would be in a loving and committed relationship with you. He's using you for easy sex and an ego boost and you know it.

goddessofsmallthings · 16/05/2016 03:19

His ex cheated on him multiple times and he had to fight for full custody of his little one and He tells me he doesn't think he can love again

Cue violins... and a queue of women looking to convince him that he can "love again".

This guy's toying with your emotions and he's damn good at it if he's reduced you to such a pathetic state after only 3 months.

A FWB arrangement is not suitable for the emotionally needy, nor for those who harbour secret thoughts of tying knots in a no strings relationship.

Tell him iit's not working for you and that, while you're happy to remain his friend without benefits (if, in fact, you are), your mind is set on forming an exclusive relationship with a man who isn't a pretend commitment-phobe.

Before you go looking for a new amour you're best advised to get tested for stis.

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 07:58

Anyone can develop feelings in a FWB situation - the man too. How old is this manchild btw? I agree he sounds very manipulative.

It's so true that when you're sleeping with someone a lot you can't see them for who they are.

VocationalGoat · 16/05/2016 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 08:49

His behaviour does remind me of a narc I once encountered. He was desperate to make sure he took up all my time and attention while repeatedly telling me I wasn't the one for him. Many years later I'm still struggling to get rid of him - he's like stuck chewing gum.

rightmywrongs · 16/05/2016 11:45

Someone always catches feelings.
You're gonna have to put your big girl pants on & tell him you want to have a shot at something more with him or you're out... & stick to it.
To fuck with being his safety net.
It's bloody hard & always so easy from the outside looking in but if he really doesn't want anything more it's time to ditch him & move on!!!
Think what you may be missing investing all your time & energy into Mr Right Now!

HuskyLover1 · 16/05/2016 15:33

I'd play him at his own game, tbh. When he says "are you free on Saturday", reply with "oh no, sorry, I've got a date with Jack. My friend set us up. But I could do Sunday"

Then I'd severely reduce text contact. On Saturday night, don't reply to any messages at all.

Then I'd drip feed info as the weeks went on:

"The sex was amazing,"

"He's a fire fighter, but enjoys cage fighting as a hobby"

"He really likes me, we're meeting up again on Wednesday"

I'd head fuck this guy, sorry. It's what he's doing to you. You just can't see the wood for the trees.

Namechangedemon · 16/05/2016 15:47

I had a FWB situation that dragged on for three YEARS. Did he finally realise how much he loved me one day, after all that time?
Nope.
He is probably occupying your thoughts round the clock, but the harsh reality is that most of this relationship is in your head. Of course he likes to call you "mine" and will get jealous if other men get mentioned, he doesn't want his supply of regular sex to be cut off.

You have my sympathy though, I know how these things start off as exciting and fun but then slowly start dragging you down and leaving you with sod all. Sad

Jan45 · 16/05/2016 17:46

Oh not that old chestnut, he's been hurt in the past so now he's not willing to commit - bullshit! He's also seeing other women so he's not just having sex with you. OP, he's making it pretty clear you are only a shag, nothing else, so what if he's nice to you and speaks to you - he's getting sex off you and a free reign to go out and do whatever with anyone that comes along - he's got zero commitment for you - nothing confusing about it.

lottieandmia2 · 16/05/2016 18:00

Has he ever said he would want a relationship in the future? He's downright cruel IMO.