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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

one night stand with ex partner who happens to be my closest friend, but is also in a new relationship.

71 replies

alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 02:09

I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, or anything so apologies if I've got this wrong, I'm new here.
To cut a very long story as short as possible, myself and and now ex-partner split in February. We've kept an amazing friendship and things have seemed great.
Or they did until the weekend. On a very rare night out we both had a little too much to drink and I spent the night at his as I'd drank too much to drive. We ended up having sex, and now I'm guilt ridden as he has a new girlfriend.
I want to tell her but I know that wouldn't benefit any of us, so I'm here to ask, what would you all recommend?

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 14/05/2016 13:30

Do you not have a mind of your own?

Do what you think is the right thing to do.

Oddsocksgalore · 14/05/2016 13:32

You are going to have to cope without him.

MsMims · 14/05/2016 13:39

You need to stay away from him, instead of talking about continuing to have overnight stays but without alcohol. Overnight stays are totally inappropriate with an ex, especially when he is in a new relationship.

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 13:45

MsMims
I worded myself wrongly last night, I was very tired and upset.
In an ideal world, and hopefully this one too, there is no reason for us to spend the night at each others and we won't. I meant more along the lines of there will be no risk of what happened repeating.
Eg, I won't drive to his expecting to only have a drink in the pub and then ending up drinking more than intended and not being able to drive.
It was more a case of "all risks that could lead to nights together will be removed" than "we can spend nights without alcohol"

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/05/2016 13:46

You cant be friends with him you need a large chunk of NC with him first and if you tell her and they work it out, that NC will be forced on you.

So either you choose or he is forced to.

Oddsocksgalore · 14/05/2016 13:47

You can't be his friend because he is in another relationship.

Let him go.

gamerchick · 14/05/2016 13:48

And stop fucking around trying to think of a way to manage being around him without shagging him. He has a girlfriend.

Anicechocolatecake · 14/05/2016 14:35

Honestly, if I had a new partner and I was keen on them, I wouldn't be happy with him supporting his ex through a court case. That is the role of a partner or close friend (who you aren't sleeping with). If I found out said new partner had then slept with his ex too, well, there's clearly then an issue about that relationship being over and at best the guy isn't ready to start dating again.

I really feel for you with regards the court case. I'm sure that's a hideously traumatic thing to be facing but it's important now to find someone else to support you - a professional if needs be. Even mumsnet can hold your hand through it. Let this guy go. It's so hard to be friends with an ex. I've not managed it.

Mistakes happen. Don't let it happen again though. You will cause harm. February is recent. Let yourself grieve and process this

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 14:41

I'm a bit friendless in regards to someone to hold my hand through it, I don't want my friends to know what happened when I was younger and see me differently, and I do have an ISVA worker but she's impossible to arrange meetings with so I have little faith in her and don't feel supported.
Honestly, I'm not even holding on to the relationship, I'm holding on to the lifeline. I was admitted to hospital twice due to suicide attempts while we were together because of the pressure of the investigation, and the trauma of reliving everything and I'm so scared that I can't face it without him there for it.

I know what I did was wrong and I have to accept that no contact is easiest and best for all parties, and I will remove him from my life but I'm hurt and scared at the moment.

OP posts:
timelytess · 14/05/2016 14:55

He's not your friend. He's a man who keeps in touch because he thought you might have sex with him and he was right.
'Wrong' isn't necessarily the word for what you did. You had sex with a man, you both wanted to do it. That's not wrong, so don't blame yourself.
He has a girlfriend. That's his business, being faithful to her is his responsibility, not yours. How lucky you are not to be with him, as he cheats.
You've decided to cut contact - that's a sound and sensible decision. Well done.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 15:30

"I'm a bit friendless in regards to someone to hold my hand through it, I don't want my friends to know what happened when I was younger and see me differently, and I do have an ISVA worker but she's impossible to arrange meetings with so I have little faith in her and don't feel supported.
Honestly, I'm not even holding on to the relationship, I'm holding on to the lifeline. I was admitted to hospital twice due to suicide attempts while we were together because of the pressure of the investigation, and the trauma of reliving everything and I'm so scared that I can't face it without him there for it."

Have you had a referral for mental health support? You should be seeing a counsellor or psychotherapist.

Even if you were still in a relationship with this guy it would be inappropriate for you to be so dependent on him alone for emotional support through such a difficult time.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 15:32

Why did you split up, by the way? And was it his choice or yours, or a mutual decision?

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 18:15

We split it because we found out I have a problem that can cause issues conceiving and he's desperate for children later in life and I can't guarantee I can give him them so I suggested splitting and over a couple of weeks we agreed it would be best to separate and keep a friendship than to stay together and end up resenting one another in the future if we couldn't have children.

I was referred for counselling, I'm on a waiting list and a cocktail of anti-depressants but that's as much as they were willing to do for me.

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 14/05/2016 18:21

Op that is really shit, that must be so hard for you.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 18:31

A problem that can cause issues conceiving - is that PCOS by any chance? Unless you were diagnosed as infertile there is still a chance of being able to conceive.

No one can guarantee that they can have children - even if someone doesn't know about a fertility issue now they may end up having one later. It's a risk everyone takes to some degree or another. If you find your life partner and both want children, surely you do your best to conceive and then consider other options (such as adoption) if that doesn't work out.

Anyway, I hope you get the counselling soon - it sounds like you have a lot to deal with at the moment. Self esteem being high on the list maybe?

TheNotoriousPMT · 14/05/2016 18:38

SinglePringle

I don't know how you got that from my post.

The man in question has lied to and cheated on his current girlfriend.

He did this, from the sound of it, by inviting OP round to his house and at the very least, not discouraging her from getting too drunk to drive and then having sex with her, while he is meant to be committed to someone else. A cynical cow like me might wonder if the ex plied her with alcohol and happy memories in order to get sex without giving the emotional relationship which it's probably pretty obvious the OP still wanted. Later updates suggest (counselling, ads etc) that OP is in quite a vulnerable place right now, and I think the ex may have exploited that.

I think he sounds selfish and cruel, tbh. So why would the OP want to be friends with him, when it sounds like she'd be happier, long term, without him?

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 18:57

AnotherEmma No, endometriosis. He's always been insistent he wants his own biological children, we did discuss adoption and other such things but he wasn't having any of it.

thenotoriousPMT He kept replenishing my drink while we were out, and it was agreed I would sleep in his bed, him on the sofa...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 19:08

Sorry about your endometriosis.

He doesn't sound like a great guy... Given the reason you split up, the fact that you're vulnerable at the moment, and that he has a new girlfriend (already!) suggests to me that he's NOT a good friend and not the right person to support you.

Please walk away from him and look after yourself.

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 19:18

No need to apologise, it's just one of those things. To me (aside from the pains) it's not a massive problem, I have a gorgeous son, I can adopt in future, it's not the end of the world in my eyes, but I wouldn't want someone to stay with me if I can't make them happy or give them the family they dream of.

I'm definitely going to be walking away, I'm just trying to find the courage now.
and still beating myself up because I hate myself for what i've done

OP posts:
TheNotoriousPMT · 14/05/2016 19:23

Ah shit Sad
You weren't the first to have this happen and you won't be the last. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

He's not your friend, but I guess that's obvious now.

If I was you....
I'd get drunk tonight. I'd have wine in front of Eurovision and cry. And tomorrow I'd start the day with a long bath. I'd exfoliate all over, shave my legs (don't often bother so it counts as pampering to me), paint my toenails, use every last facial product I have, then put on my comfiest underwear, favourite jeans and jumper and go out for a walk, ideally past a tea shop with very large cakes. And I'd buy myself a bunch of flowers while I was out. My supermarket is currently doing scented lilies for £3. Then come home and clean/tidy house until it feels like a sanctuary again. (er, I really like a tidy house)

Be nice to yourself. Do whatever your personal version of the above would be. You are not a terrible person.

NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 19:24

Please try not to beat yourself up or hate yourself.

I know it's hard but try and be kind and compassionate towards yourself in the way you would be towards your son or a friend.

Flowers
NameChange30 · 14/05/2016 19:35

Some tips that might be useful while you're waiting for therapy (as well as longer term):
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/mental-health-problems-introduction/self-care/#.VzdvbMh4WnM

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 19:40

AnotherEmma thank for finding that for me, how lovely of you!

TheNotoriousPMT that sounds like a brilliant plan, minus the Eurovision.
I think i'll rent a film or 4 on TiVo and mope for the night.

Thank you ladies. Star Star

OP posts:
MardleBum · 14/05/2016 19:42

You're not friends. You're exes who are clinging on to part of the relationship whilst kidding yourselves that that is just friendship.

EXACTLY what I was going to say. And the fact that you are contemplating telling his new girlfriend just proves it. You want to mark your territory because you aren't sure you are ready to let go of it yet. If you were over him and happy to just be friends you'd not give a stuff about telling her. It wouldn't be important to you that she should know. It wouldn't even cross your mind.

Original poster
alwaysinamuddle · 14/05/2016 19:49

You want to mark your territory because you aren't sure you are ready to let go of it yet.
I have no desire to "mark my territory". I considered telling her, because as I've already said, if it was me I would want to be told, but with the advice that has been given, I won't tell her.it crosses my mind when I know of strangers cheating on their girlfriends, just because this is close to home it isn't an exclusive behaviour of mine to feel like a woman has right to know.

OP posts:
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