Just want a rant about my DH. Unhappy :(

[mumofawoodlouseeater]

We live in a very expensive area. Rented house. Very little hope of ever being able to buy if we stay.

I've been pressing DH for us to move for about a year. He's always flatly said no because, he says, he likes a particular group of friends who live nearby.

DH is religious. He reckons that he recently was given a 'message from God' that we should move to a particular town a fair few miles away. This is apparently based on him having heard the name of this town 'spoken' to him while praying. I'm not religious at all and I think it's bollocks, but he genuinely believes it.

I've looked into this town, and it sounds awful. Racist, deprived, bad schools, nothing to do... the list goes on.

I've said I'll go and have a look. We can have a trip there, and if it turns out that I like it more than I'm expecting then we can look into it further.

I've asked him if - since he's apparently not as completely against moving as he once suggested - in the situation that we don't end up moving to this town he's set on then we can have a serious look into other places we could get a mortgage.

No. Apparently this is not an option. Either we move to this little town neither of us has even been to but which sounds awful, or we don't move anywhere.

I feel guilty typing this all up because it feels intrusive but I don't have anyone else to talk to and I'm just so frustrated and upset.

He sounds like a very controlling man who is using religion as a reason for him not to do things (or to do things).

Hearing voices and thinking God is talking to you are signs of mental illness. Either he's not hearing voices and is just pretending he is, in which case he's a controlling wanker, or he is hearing voices and thinks he is speaking to God, in which case he needs professional help.

mumof I like my town!

It has a pretty shit reputation (it's Rotherham). There are undercurrents of racism and suspicon in certain areas and in certain groups of people. There are a couple of 'ghetto' type areas and we have a very diverse population. Some areas are pretty deprived. A couple of big council estates that have certain issues. And we have an issue with rallies in the town centre a few Saturdays a year.

However the part I live in now is nice. Excellent schools, some pretty good amenities and a sense of things improving. But I live on the edge of town now as close to Barnsley town as I am to rotherham town centre.

We have glorious countryside a mile away, and a few miles in any direction will take you to retail parks or a huge shopping centre.

I have lived in a couple of northern cities (Hull, Liverpool, sheffield) and don't find rotherham any worse in terms of racism and poverty. In fact I would say Hull when I lived there was struggling more.

Rotherham is my home town though which I always thinks slightly skews your perspective. Would I move to rotherham if I didn't have family here? Possibly some areas.

But sadly the areas with better facilities, schools etc tend to be in predominantly 'white British' areas. So if diverse is what you are after then you will have to rough it.

Thanks again for all the replies! Have just put the dc to bed after being at work (which is part-time and min. wage, so yes, DH is definitely the breadwinner).

Lots of suggestions that I should break up with DH. I have considered it very seriously in the past, because I can definitely see that we are not an ideal match, but all things considered it wouldn't be the best thing for my children...and whilst I'm not 100% happy, I'm happy enough. So I won't be leaving him, though I understand why people think I should.

Sadie your post is absolutely spot on with regard to DH (except for the responsibility bit - he's fine in that regard). Yes, the friends in question are leaders in his church. He is not actually very emotionally close with them, but he can have deep conversations with them about religious stuff and they value him a lot for the huge amount of work he does with the church. I think it does fill a gap.

But I get the impression from your posts that he always thinks his opinion is right and refuses to listen or discuss or compromise ... or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Hmm... the thing is, the only things he ever gets properly passionate/enthusiastic about are related to his faith. He doesn't even get excited about me or our dc (though in he is a very involved and hands-on dad, and he does love them). 99% of the time he is very emotionally 'flat' and fairly passive. The reason he is so passionate about staying where we are now is because the friends he wants to stay near are part of his church group. He very much tries to steamroller me when things are God-related, but otherwise not so much.

Pyjama - thanks for posting, sounds like the stuff I've read is true then. Boring I can possibly deal with... it's the racism and crime which are the deal-breakers. I couldn't live in a place like that.

froubylou thanks for your reply - that does sound pretty good! It's interesting to hear you're on the outskirts, because I'm sort of considering some of the villages surrounding the town in question, which all sound pretty boring but not necessarily so bad in terms of social attitudes. Hmm.

Trevor that sounds awful. Whilst similar in some ways, your ex sounds a lot more emotionally volatile and paranoid than my DH is. Sounds like it was a really difficult situation.

Really have found talking things through very helpful. Thanks again everyone.