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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just want a rant about my DH. Unhappy :(

53 replies

mumofawoodlouseeater · 14/05/2016 00:37

We live in a very expensive area. Rented house. Very little hope of ever being able to buy if we stay.

I've been pressing DH for us to move for about a year. He's always flatly said no because, he says, he likes a particular group of friends who live nearby.

DH is religious. He reckons that he recently was given a 'message from God' that we should move to a particular town a fair few miles away. This is apparently based on him having heard the name of this town 'spoken' to him while praying. I'm not religious at all and I think it's bollocks, but he genuinely believes it.

I've looked into this town, and it sounds awful. Racist, deprived, bad schools, nothing to do... the list goes on.

I've said I'll go and have a look. We can have a trip there, and if it turns out that I like it more than I'm expecting then we can look into it further.

I've asked him if - since he's apparently not as completely against moving as he once suggested - in the situation that we don't end up moving to this town he's set on then we can have a serious look into other places we could get a mortgage.

No. Apparently this is not an option. Either we move to this little town neither of us has even been to but which sounds awful, or we don't move anywhere.

I feel guilty typing this all up because it feels intrusive but I don't have anyone else to talk to and I'm just so frustrated and upset.

OP posts:
Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 14/05/2016 09:04

Being non religious must be hard putting up with this religious crap.

I think the fact you're even considering looking at the town is admirable, if someone tried that on me I'd probably collapse from laughter.

Don't let him bully you with religious bullshit.

ohtheholidays · 14/05/2016 09:08

OP I'm a Christian but honestly from the way you've described your DH I'd say he's trying to manipulate you!

By all means if you visit the area and it's better than you thought it would be and you think it would work for your family and you would be happy there go for it.If not don't let your husband ride roughshod over you whilst using God as an excuse.

ptumbi · 14/05/2016 09:09

Is he thinking of moving there to be a 'minister'-type, OP? To do good works? Such a town Hmm might need a Godly figurehead.

Then again, so might the town you like...

ArmfulOfRoses · 14/05/2016 09:17

What were the other things he 'heard'? Were they things involving doing what he wanted and not what you wanted?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/05/2016 15:39

"A message from God" Who does he think he is, Moses?

God rarely talks to those who are receptive to Him. Practically all the stories from the bible are of people hearing stuff they don't want to know about or to do. That's the test. What kind of test is he being given? Take his family to the one place they would be least happy. Still, that's his test and not yours or your children's.

If he's that keen, let him go on his own and see how he likes it.

Hissy · 14/05/2016 15:51

Is he David Ike?

He's deluded. In every way imaginable.

PissedOff1 · 14/05/2016 16:00

Wow. Well for a start you know he sounds incredibly selfish and without meaning to sound rude a bit mad? I'm religious but what he's proposing is reckless and irrational. You want to move to a different area and he doesn't so its not considered, then suddenly he wants to move to an awful area and it's all guns blazing. Err no. As to how to deal with it? Tell him outright- NO! We've never been/ bad schools all the reasons you listed here. Your happiness is important and he needs to start respecting that. I'm raging on your behalf!

Oh and I wouldn't be compromising my future so hubby can live near his mates?! Time for some pretty strong words.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/05/2016 17:50

He's just plain selfish.

If he wasn't religious, he would be finding other ways to ignore your wishes and your wellbeing. This has nothing to do with religion, and everything to do with an entitled mindset.

Do you want to stay married to a selfish and entitled man, OP?

Original poster
mumofawoodlouseeater · 15/05/2016 11:01

Thanks for all the replies everyone - sorry for not responding sooner, was very busy yesterday. Have found it very reassuring to hear that other people would react the same way I have!

The town is W.i.s.b.e.c.h (really don't want this coming up on a Google search). And if anyone happens to be from there and can tell me whether or not the terrible accounts of it are justified then please do!

Lots of people have commented on possible mental health issues. Honestly, he is just a very unusual (for want of a better word) person. In a nut-shell: he really lacks empathy skills and emotional intelligence (though he's v. intelligent academically), and can be very single-minded. I think this is partly just due to the way he is, and partly from having grown up in a very difficult and emotionally distant household. He is almost never deliberately nasty or malicious.

Also, his belief in God speaking to him etc. is reinforced by various outside influences. Not so much the church he's at now, but he has been to a lot of Christian festivals... I've been to one with him, and honestly it was a shock. They encourage things like 'faith healing' and have events where people have hands laid on them and then claim to be healed from various illnesses. People 'speak in tongues', claim to have visions, etc. From a non-Christian perspective it is all pretty weird - not the kind of thing you'd expect to be happening in the UK, although it very much does. He also reads lots of accounts of people who have done missionary work and claim to have experienced miracles, etc.

Basically I'm pretty sure that him having 'heard' the name of the town would really just be it having popped into his head unexpectedly. Would be more concerned if he was genuinely hearing actual voices.

Anyway, I've agreed to visit and will go in with an open mind. Definitely won't be agreeing to live there if it's not for me, though.

OP posts:
Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 11:24

OK, that sounds fair enough. And has he agreed to visit one of the towns you'd like to live in, and consider that as an option, too?

Original poster
mumofawoodlouseeater · 15/05/2016 11:31

Not really to be honest, Dellarobia. I have convinced him to visit a particular place I like. When I asked him whether or not he would properly consider it, he said "Well... my version of considering it might be different to yours". Which basically means no. Sigh.

OP posts:
Mishaps · 15/05/2016 11:31

You can't compete with god, so don't even try. You have three choices:

  • move to this dump
  • get him a psychiatric appointment - I say this in all seriousness. Hearing voices and delusions of grandeur (god is speaking to me) can by symptoms of mental illness for which he needs help
  • leave him

Personally I would favour the latter, assuming that you have ruled out a mental illness, in which case he will need all the support you can offer.

God has been used as justification for all sorts of things. Don't buy into it.

Original poster
mumofawoodlouseeater · 15/05/2016 11:33

froubylou - if you see this, can I ask: how do you feel about living in your town?

OP posts:
Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 11:35

Seriously OP, the religious stuff is the least of your worries. If he insists on making all the decisions and refuses to listen to you or consider your opinion then your problems are a lot deeper than the God stuff.

Isetan · 15/05/2016 11:35

Sulking and pestering are manipulative, wether conscious or not (even though in this instance, I think he is fully away that this behaviour benefits him and not you and his children). Your rationalisations for his selfish attitude (upbringing, religious beliefs, ASD traits) can not detract from the fact that your opinions are and have always been, secondary to his.

This is who he is and has always been and the curtesy that you show him by even looking at this town, would never be reciprocated. The price of being in a relationship with this man is knowing that your opinions and the needs of the family will always be secondary to his and will be dismissed out of hand if he doesn't agree. In addition, he will not hesitate in manipulating you to get what he wants.

Your treating this latest incident like its isolated, when in fact, it's part of a well used pattern.

Original poster
mumofawoodlouseeater · 15/05/2016 12:06

On reflection, I think there are two separate issues at hand which I have been confusing. Issue 1: DH wanting to move to the other town. Issue 2: DH wanting to stay in our current area if not.

Number 1 is an example of what he believes God wants trumping anything else. This has always been the case and is definitely problematic. But if he really does believe God exists, then I can't really blame him for that, can I? As someone else said, I can't compete with God. He definitely isn't using God as an excuse, btw. He really does believe what he says.

Number 2 is more frustrating to me in this case, but what it comes down to is that I think owning our own house is worth more than him continuing to live near a particular group of people he likes. Ultimately, is my opinion really any more valid than his? Surely the default position is to stay where we are...

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 15/05/2016 12:22

You can't blame him for it.

But I wouldn't want to be with anyone showed respect to an entity that felt my comfort was irrelevant compared to "their" will.

It's sounds like a recipe for years of difficulty and upset

pocketsaviour · 15/05/2016 12:25

Given that your reasons for moving are based on rational and logical plans to give the whole family more financial stability, and particularly your DC for their future, whereas his are based purely on his own emotional comfort - yes, your opinion is more valid than his.

sadie9 · 15/05/2016 12:39

Does he want to stay in the area you are in because of his religious views and are the set of friends also in these Christian groups?
He is brainwashed quite simply though isn't he. He sounds like he has religious obsessions. It just causes problems because people make decisions based on their beliefs (random and changing and easily influenced by others) and not on economic, social, educational, financial etc. People who don't like responsibility are attracted to this because someone can tell them how to behave.
They also get the connection and belonging they crave from being in these sorts of groups. They get away from bad feelings by getting the happy clappy together as one buzz. It's not about the religion its about being part of a group.
People who have felt disconnected from social groups as children or at some point in their lives often get their needs met from religious groups. Especially young adults who find themselves a bit adrift between family, other social groups etc.
He can't see that his most important group that he belongs to is you and the kids. Maybe someone needs to point this out to him.
You can say 'I know your religion is important to you, however doing the best for us as a family and the kids is important to us too, isn't that right?'
He wants to do right by God by following this intrusive thought he has had with a name of a town in it. Maybe there was some religious meeting there at some point.
You want to do right by your family and kids and your future by investing in a house in an area that brings advantages to all of you.
Is he the breadwinner in the family or how do the finances work?

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/05/2016 12:42

Issue 1 and issue 2 are exactly the same thing, OP : they're both a case of "what he says, goes. Full stop."

You aren't important enough to be considered.

This is not a partnership. I really suggest you stop giving him a pass when he plays the God card, and reconsider whether you want to stay married to a man who doesn't give a shit about your opinions, preferences, or wellbeing.

mawbroon · 15/05/2016 12:54

God spoke to me a few years ago with all sorts of messages.

I've not heard back from him since I started taking antipsychotic medication.....

MrsArthurShappey · 15/05/2016 13:00

I think I'd be encouraging him to move to w.....h on his own!

Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 13:01

I wouldn't say your opinion is definitely more valid than his in this particular case - personally I think it is, from the reasons you've given, but I take your point that he disagrees and he's entitled to his opinion.

But I get the impression from your posts that he always thinks his opinion is right and refuses to listen or discuss or compromise. Not just about this one issue. Is that right, or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

Pyjamaface · 15/05/2016 13:06

Loads of good advice already given. I just wanted to say that yes, that town is everything you have heard but twice as boring imo. I know people living there and they hate it, I also know people living in the nearest (also fairly rubbish) town and they would all tell you not to move there unless you absolutely had to

TrevorTheWeather · 15/05/2016 14:05

I really feel for you OP. My ex used to believe that his dreams were some kind of prophecy and would come to pass and would want to do things that meant they couldn't happen, including moving to the other end of the country. When I refused to take him seriously he'd get really heavy. Once he said he dreamed that a group of men broke in and gang raped me in front of him and he knew this was actually going to happen so we had to move. I of course, refused so he started shouting at me suggesting that I must WANT to be raped then. It was a nightmare, but I seriously think he WAS mentally ill, I just could not get him to go anywhere about it.

Sorry that you are at an impasse.

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