My baby and the Other Woman

[Hubnut]

I found out partner of ten years was cheating 4 weeks ago. He'd known her all of 6 weeks (I found his emails to her). I kicked him out and he's living with her. We have an 18 month old baby together. He wants access this Sunday. I'm sickened at the thought of him taking our child to see his girlfriend. I've asked him not to - he says he wont but clearly he's completely untrustworthy. This is worsened by the fact that me and this other woman exchanged a series of very unpleasant texts as I found her number on his phone. I have this fear that she might pinch him, be mean to him when his dad isn't looking just to spite me :-(

He says she's a nice person but that's not been my experience and really he's only know her for a couple of months. She does have a teenage daughter, but that doesn't qualify you as a nice person does it?

The whole situation has been a nightmare of me lurching from sad, angry, positive. I now have this anxious feeling in my stomach about possibility of this woman being with my baby.

Any help or advice?

mum nobody has said stop him from seeing the child though???

What Op is quite rightly correct about is not introducing the other woman so soon. And that IS for the best interest of the child. why would you introduce someone to your child with the possibility they could be gone next week? who on earth would you mess with a child like that?

As for the "rubbish" are you a solicitor? Are you a lawyer? do you have any formal training to say thats not whats happened? without giving too much away and due to the personal circumstances this IS what my cousin was told due to her ex's behaviour. He was allowed to see the children, i never once said he wasn't allowed to, but any night stays, any days out where the mum felt uncomfortable was ruled out until he followed the conditions and that condition was mediation - he refused, which meant he basically walked away from his kids.

Good luck OP.

Yes that was your 'cousins' own personal circumstances not the same for everyone so how on earth can that be of any use?? That's what a court decided was best for them

Don't post it on here aimed at vulnerable posters claiming it's how the courts will treat other cases too

And YES!!!! Other posters have suggested stopping/denying contact

Again RTFT!!

What Op is quite rightly correct about is not introducing the other woman so soon. And that IS for the best interest of the child.

A few people have said that. Legally speaking, this is entirely overridden by the fact that seeing both parents is in the best interest of the child.

It is is possible for the court to decide that meeting other partners very quickly is causing detriment to the child to the extent that it may be preferable for the child to not see one parent. There is a high burden of proof before the court will order that a parent cannot introduce new partners until they've been present for X months, or are living together, etc. Usually there needs to be a pattern of new partners being introduced and then disappearing, and evidence that the child appears to be suffering because of this - repeatedly asking after old partners, for example.

As there is just over half a working day before the contact is due, it's in OP's best interests to come to terms with her current legal position. That is that, unless there is evidence of behaviour that would cause serious concerns about his ability to parent, he could take her to court to get split residency. That would mean OP was legally bound to hand the child over for contact at the frequency set by the court, and it's unlikely she could place conditions on where this contact was or who could be present. Because the child is young, there could possibly be conditions on overnight stays, but these would expire as the child grew up.

She could bank on him not wanting to see his child but it doesn't sound like that is likely.

It's difficult, but OP understandably lashed out at the OW. As she called her a bad mum, it's understandable that OW lashed out back. They were never, realistically, going to be friends at this point. It doesn't mean that the OW will hurt her child. It doesn't suggest she's a child abuser.

If OP were asking me for legal advice, I'd advise that she made clear plans about when he will collect the child and where from, and when and where he'll return the child, ideally in written form. Text is fine. I'd then advise her to be contactable during that period but to also try to distract herself.

If the child comes back with evidence of not having been looked after adequately or having been hurt, that would require further legal advice (and careful collection of evidence, ideally by a neutral party such as the police). But we're not there yet. There's no grounds to be kicking up a fuss. Ideally he'd agree that it's too soon for new partners and see the child on his own, which is what he seems to have suggested that will happen, but OP is a long way from being able to legally order that and by taking that route, risks having to faciitate contact more often than they might be able to negotiate on their own at the moment.

Unless there are serious safeguarding concerns, you can't control what he does and where he goes during his contact time. In the same way he can't control what you do the rest of the time

I recommend that you speak to a solicitor to regulate contact. It can be a condition that he does not introduce DC to OW for the first while. Given that he isn't even sure if he will be with her long term, it's not fair on your son to be introduced to her after a matter of weeks. The paramount consideration here is what is in the best interests of your son.

Apologies, just realised you didn't refer to having a son!

This man has proven he can't be trusted.

It cannot be in the child's best interests to be introduced to a new partner of ten weeks in these circumstances. Nor is it unreasonable to offer supervised contact - why would you let an 18 month old go to him unsupervised, knowing full well she could be there, someone you've never met or vetted that has been abusive to you!

Supervised?

Why the hell should contact be supervised? He's said she won't be there

He's an equal parent and it's the child's legal right to have time with both parents

Who sets the Barr with regards to how long before you introduce someone new then?

I think I'll have to wait until Sunday and get him to promise again. I don't particularly want to get courts involved, I just want him to see it's common sense not to trust a virtual stranger to be around your baby. Anyway he's now told me he'll arrive around one, so we're probably talking a couple of hours of access and not the full day I was envisaging. Fine by me.

I don't know when will be enough time to be honest. I was thinking once baby can talk and tell me if not happy with her. But that might be unrealistic.

I genuinely believe she's crazy to move a man in with her and a teenage daughter after 6 weeks. Especially a man who lied to her initially. But I accept it wasn't helpful to tell her that! I was in a rage at having my life shitted on -mainly by him but she knew about me and our baby after 5 weeks and still snagged him.

Shagged even!

I think I'll have to wait until Sunday and get him to promise again. I don't particularly want to get courts involved, I just want him to see it's common sense not to trust a virtual stranger to be around your baby. Anyway he's now told me he'll arrive around one, so we're probably talking a couple of hours of access and not the full day I was envisaging. Fine by me.

I really think that you need to pick your battles. You can't make him promise and his promise isn't worth much anyway. He's your child's father and has as much right as you to spend time with your child and have others there.

I would have a conversation about him regarding when you introduce DC to new boyfriends/girlfriends. Explain that you don't think it's wise for either of you to be including new partners in your child's life for X amount of months.

Finally, I think that you need to view this woman as an adult who will probably end up playing a role in your child's well being. Base all of your behaviour on this fact, and not the fact that she was the OW.

I think you have done what you can and it is most important to try and retain an amicable parenting relationship at this stage.

He has said his new GF won't be at contact, you have to trust him to not have her there.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect she isn't there - it will be confusing for a child and potentially disruptive if he is with her and then not with her. The child has to cope with a lot of changes when the parents split up.

The NRP should be focused on building a new bond as a NRP with the child, that doesn't usually include building a new family straight away, but rather when you believe it is appropriate.

I think you've aired your feelings, he has responded to them by saying he won't introduce her. Leave it for now, let him see his child and take it from there.

But just to reassure you about her - you are right to say she is an unknown quantity right now, but that doesn't mean she is bad. She may go on to play an important and supportive role in the DC life. My ex did similar (OW didn't have a child) but she ended up being a much better parent and urging ex to be a better parent while they were together and after she was introduced.

*better parent than ex

(And I mean when it is appropriate, you and him together if possible, not you yourself)

Just spoken and he seems to be respecting my wishes. I said we'll have to mutually agree what's appropriate regarding introducing new partners.

odford lucky for me he would shit his pants at the prospect of looking after his child more than a couple of hours every other weekend.

OP, you are the child's mother and the full time carer. The father has chosen to abandon his child and move in with someone he's known a matter of weeks. Clearly whether he can be trusted or not is in doubt.

Quite why people are defending his perceived rights or his OW's right to be present with your 18 month old child is beyond me. She has no rights whatsoever to be around your child, without your explicit knowledge and consent.

If he is living with OW, where does he propose to be seeing his child?

Contact is not always in the best interests of the child, this remains to be determined by circumstances and possibly the Courts. An 18 month old is bound to already be unsettled by events so far.

You have the main duty for your child's welfare. They are both, as matters stand currently, an unknown quantity. As such, follow your gut instincts.

music

You do know that in law neither (equal) parent has 'rights'? Merely responsibilities

The rights are with the child ( as per the children's act)

And.... You do know that by being a 'mother' you are no more important than the father.... Equal.... You know this?

Unfortunately this is a very black and white view imagined by many and is not correct.

Law and the application of it in the Courts in the English and Wales jurisdiction, does not operate in the manner you suggest.

It did for me! And others here I've read many a thread about....

If you say so.

The OP does not have to give "explicit consent" for the OW to be around her child. This is quite separate to the issue of when it is appropriate for them to meet.