Mismatched sex drives

[roarfeckingroar]

Can it ever work? I read so many theeads where it is a huge problem.

I have a high sex drive. DP does not. I love him, we have been together over a year and live together. He did the first few months but now.. No. It's just not a big thing to him, never has been. When he's tired he stops wanting it. When I'm tired I want more to connect and ground myself and feel good and sleep well. We both have stressful jobs, no DCs. It's the only single problem we have.

Do I try to just deal with it or cut my losses? I'm 28 if that matters. He's slightly younger.

I presume he is happy with it OP as he doesn't complain and no signs of silent resentment. Would have been ridiculous to stay with me at the beginning of our relationship if he was bothered by it.

what a shame I think your basing everything on sex and expect the perfect relationship. Be happy with what you have. If you leave and meet someone else there is no guarantee you will be happy either.

Some people just want to keep jumping ship all the time does not bring stability nobody has everything in a relationship and even if the sex was how you want it dosent mean you wouldn't get bored then or be attracted to someone else.

I feel sorry for him being so under pressure. Sex is not everything calm down.

Have children, that will kill to your sex drive

Problem solved!!
Its a tough one, and whilst I may be joking there is an element truth in the fact that 10 years down the line you might be happy with sex once a month and with a partner who wants it once a day

'It's like glue that brings people together'
No it's not

It's like glue that brings people together.
No it isn't. Relationships are so much more than that (though I do agree that sex is important) However, the quantity and quality is subjective. He might feel securely bonded to you with less glue.

He does feel secure and happy. We went for a long run together today (I exercise a lot, he doesn't) and he enjoyed it and said that regularly he just chooses the path of less resistance so to speak and just goes to sleep/watches crap tv rather than making the effort as he's tired/stressed from work, but when he does it tends to pay off for him too.

I'm taking what is being said on board. Our relationship is very, very good otherwise. We laugh, talk, have fun, travel together, support each other and have through a few pretty tough things; he's my best friend, he makes an effort with and is liked by my friends and vice versa, similarly with close family, he does more than half of all household things, he writes me notes and I can tell him absolutely anything and know I will be supported and cared for. I try to do the same. It really is the single problem and since we spoke we've had sex every day so perhaps we will work through this.

Thanks for all advice.

Poor bloke. Just try reversing this and see what everyone would say if you were a man! You want it every day and he doesn't. I think it's unreasonable to expect sex every day if your partner can't manage that. However, it is of course your choice to not to stay with him over this if it's a deal breaker for you. Just don't make him the bad guy because he can't keep up with your exceptionally high sex drive.

I've just read your last post again. He is now having sex every day to please you. God how awful.

You asked me if my DP was happy with sex once a week. I'm not going to ask you if your DP is happy being pressured into having sex once a day when he's already told you he doesn't want to.

Sorry OP but YOUR behaviour is what will ruin your relationship. Not his lack of sex drive.

If my DP attempted to pressure me it would not end well. And if I posted about it on here I'd quite rightly be told to LTB.

He's initiated it, not me.

He does feel secure and happy.
Yes, and he feels that with less sex than you want.
When you don't have sex pretty much every day, it makes you feel less secure and happy.
I am glad that you've had a talk and that you are happy with this perceived improvement. He is doing it to make you happy, I'm sure he doesn't object to it, but it is requiring a lot of effort on his part so it is unlikely to last. Sex drives invariably slip back to where they were.
From your OP "It's just not a big thing to him, never has been"
That hasn't changed and it's unlikely to change.
If you can't be happy in a relationship with him with his regular sex drive of about twice a week, you are setting yourselves up for disaster.

I wouldn't throw away an otherwise awesome relationship based on mismatched sex drives, but that's just me. A good partner is so hard to find, especially the older we get, it's very very rare to be able to have a partner who fulfils every tiny aspect of our lives. My husband was like you, wanted it at least twice a day, every day, got to the point where any tiny hint of affection from me he'd be groping me, grabbing at me, thinking we were goingto have sex and yeah, it was utterly exhausting and soul destroying for me too, because I didn't feel loved I felt like just a hole for him to use to fulfil his sex drive. We're older now, he's calmed down, we've got kids so are too tired most days but I make an effort when I can and he knows now how utterly off putting it is to think that every tiny gesture, every little "let me massage you/do the washing up/walk the dog" (or whatever) is for be sole purpose of hoping for sex at the end of it so everything he does is honest now with no expectations (ie, he helps tidy etc because he wants to, not because he's hoping for sex etc). As such, I now don't resent him at all for always expecting sex and we have a much better sex life than we ever have. If he's horny and I simply can't do it (4 hours of sleep will do that to you) he masterbates, and I make sure to make time for him the next moment I can. Compromise. You piling on the sex pressure is not sexy at all. If sex means so much to you, of course that can't be helped, but just be aware if you leave such an "awesome" relationship you can go out and have amazing sex with whoever, but you may not find that kind of relationship again.

Roar can't you see that he is initiating it to keep you happy. He will not be happy with this himself. Do you care about his feelings at all? What about coming to a compromise, say 3 or 4 times a week? Give the guy a break. I think you are being sexually abusive towards him. He sounds like an amazing man and you are being very unreasonable. Please listen to what everyone is saying.

I see he's also running to keep you happy. You really need to look at yourself.

About running - I want him to be healthy. He is stubborn as a mule - he wouldn't be running just to "keep me happy", I asked him to give it a go, he tentatively agreed and he loved it. By nature I am impulsive and he is cautious; he openly admits sometimes he needs coaxing in to something then loves it and happily does it alone.

This is getting ridiculous. We are both compromising and it is working. How on earth is it sexually abusive to sit down with your partner and calmly explain that you aren't happy with how things are without attributing blame but acknowledging differences and trying to work it out? I have accepted my desires are a lot to ask, he has admitted that he hasn't been making an effort recently and he's slipped in to a bit of a rut of just watching crap tv/sleeping. We both want to make an otherwise brilliant relationship work and are both making an effort to meet in the middle. Abusive? No.

And to clarify - I have never groped him, expected affection to lead to sex, piled on pressure, sulked or any of the horrendously unsexy things many women on here have been subjected to. All conversations have been sober, balanced and I am very very careful to not blame him or blame myself, just to say that I'm not happy right now, it was better before, is something wrong/can we talk about it/are you unhappy/how can we find a way to both be content?

Seriously, how would people tackle something like this in a better/kinder way? I believe that if you're adult enough to be with/sleep with/live with someone you should be able to talk to them if things aren't quite right for you and I would hope he would do the same if he wasn't happy about something.

We're mismatched. We work at it because we are great together in other ways, have kids, history together etc.

Occasionally I think I chose wrong early on and wish I'd had.more sexual confidence then but we're too far entwined now for that to be an option.

It's hard. Id rather daily, kinky sex and husband wants occasional sex. I've adjusted to that even thoughits not ideal as there aren't really options. It's got better over the years though. A lot of.explaining what I like and still v little of him intimating mind-blowing sex if I'm honest. It's okay though.

I second the move on , it's not going to change. He isn't suddenly going to rev up his sex drive it's going to be a ) the same or more likely b) go down.

Personally I need sex 4 plus times a week and luckily my oh after 8 plus years still feels the same.

Don't settle for second best x

I don't think you are being abusive, but I do think you are mismatched and this improvement will be short-lived. See how things are in a few months.
You want to fix him - increase his sex drive, improve his health, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.
But good luck, I hope I'm wrong and I hope you are able to accept him the way he is and I hope he is happy to maintain enough of an improvement to keep you satisfied. It does sounds like you've got a good relationship. Maybe one day you might find he has an inner kink.

envious wonky

Very envious wonky.

If it changes I'll broach the possibility of opening it up quietly.

Took a very unexpected turn tonight. Apparently he's been resentful and convinced I've been cheating for months. (I haven't but no excuse if I had for the following). He got very aggressive, hid my phone, tried to lock me out our flat. All got nasty and now I know I need to escape (he's asleep right now so not immediate) but he won't leave

Oh gosh. This doesn't sound at all right. Can you leave? Do you have somewhere to go? You could start a new thread with adiffferent title for help with that if you need it. (I don't have a clue just didn't want to read and run.)

Wanting to have sex twice a week isn't unusual.

Hiding your phone and locking you out is. Run away fast. So sorry.

Oh I'm so sorry , xx