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Relationships

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Original poster

Mismatched sex drives

79 replies

roarfeckingroar · 12/05/2016 21:43

Can it ever work? I read so many theeads where it is a huge problem.

I have a high sex drive. DP does not. I love him, we have been together over a year and live together. He did the first few months but now.. No. It's just not a big thing to him, never has been. When he's tired he stops wanting it. When I'm tired I want more to connect and ground myself and feel good and sleep well. We both have stressful jobs, no DCs. It's the only single problem we have.

Do I try to just deal with it or cut my losses? I'm 28 if that matters. He's slightly younger.

OP posts:

EmeraldEars · 13/05/2016 15:07

I'm a once a week type of person. DP would have sex alot more but he's backed off as I found the constant advances off putting to the point I didn't want sex at all. He took it a bit personally at first I think but he's got to a point where he realises it's not him it's just the way I'm made up and he's happy with it now.

If he wasn't then it would have been the end of the relationship. If this is a dealbreaker for you then it's a dealbreaker but I wouldn't cling on to any hope that your partner will suddenly change his mind.

blindsider · 13/05/2016 15:18

Have a baby that will equalise your sex drives

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 13/05/2016 15:18

OP you said "I'm more of a 2/3 times a day girl anyway" and "Why can't he just be a normal mid-20s man?"

If you are a 2/3 times a day girl anyway, then I suspect it's probably fair to say your libido is probably WAY more than the vast majority of the population, male or female. Most people have the rabbits stage as mentioned by a PP early on but I don't think you'd find many couples having sex two or three times a day even after a year of living together. It tends to reduce by then.
It is normal for him. It's unfair to label him otherwise. You don't think he is normal for "only" wanting sex once or twice a week. He would no doubt think the same of you. The truth he is probably more normal than you are in terms of comparisons with the rest of the population.

But neither of you are abnormal. You are what you are. And what you are is incompatible on the physical front. You have to end it for both of your sanity.

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 13/05/2016 15:20

Is he happy about it emerald, truly ok with it, or is he just a decent respectful chap who doesn't push (as no one should) for more?

It's not about taking it personally to me, it's that I thrive on good regular sex, it makes me so much happier and lighter and generally calmer. I would never be pushy with my partner outside of a set conversation about the problem and even then I am keen to point out that nobody is wrong as such but I'm not happy with it and I want to find a way to make it work.. He he's stroppy and defensive and sometimes verbally aggressive with me then the next day pretends nothing has happened and sends the odd suggestive message so I think maybe he has listened and is making an effort but it doesn't ever materialise.

OP posts:

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 13/05/2016 15:22

blind I've genuinely thought about that and how maybe I would be grateful for his disinterest in the future :(

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 13/05/2016 15:27

OP, you CAN'T make it work. There's no point trying. You're not happy, he's not happy with what he sees as you pressuring him into sex when he doesn't want it and just as we tell women they don't have to have sex with their partner if they don't want to, the same goes for a man.

You are too diametrically opposed sexually. In some cases, people might find a compromise - one partner would like it once a week, the other three times a week, so you compromise at two. You can't compromise on him wanting it once a week and you wanting it at least once a day!

You're wanting him to be someone he isn't. Let the poor sod go. In the long run, you will both be happier.

But, OP, also be prepared that you may find this situation happens more than once in the future. It is a fallacy to think "every man wants sex every day" let alone a couple of times a day. And if you choose to have kids at some point, you'll probably find the shoe on the other foot - you won't want sex at all and it'll be your OH complaining about the lack of it and being fed up of you being tired etc

Tootsiepops · 13/05/2016 15:29

He he's stroppy and defensive and sometimes verbally aggressive with me then the next day pretends nothing has happened

This is more worrying than the lack of sex, imo.

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 13/05/2016 15:31

When I say I want a few times a day, I would be happy to settle for good sex maybe 4-5 times a week realistically. I just meant the optimum.

I know I can't change him. I don't want to pressurise him. I know all men aren't up for sex every day but every one (and tbh there's been a fair few) has had a very different attitude to my current partner.

It's just so shit. We are so so happy in every other respect, we had/have a future in mind. Ugh.

OP posts:

ElllieB1 · 13/05/2016 15:36

It's horrible, you end up feeling rejected, frustrated and resentful. Been there, it doesn't work.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 13/05/2016 15:36

I also just re-read your first post where you said "When he's tired he stops wanting it. When I'm tired I want more". I think that is also most unusual - most people when they are tired don't want sex.

I'm not unsympathetic but it is what it is. I think you will find that most men actually would still find 4-5 times a week more than they'd want after a year or two living together.

What I find odd is that you say his attitude is very different to every previous partner - it's not just about frequency but his attitude to it. You can't NOT have known this before you started living together.

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 13/05/2016 15:45

I feel like he pursued me, knew what makes me happy and did that until he got me to live with him (his instigation but our flat because I thought why the hell not) then changed the terms. I feel somewhat robbed - I was very honest about my level of sex drive and he used to be a lot more willing and initiate.

OP posts:

Babymouse · 13/05/2016 15:49

Are you in your mid-twenties as well? If so you are far, far too young to settle for a companionate relationship. Be kind to both of you, end this relationship so you can both find more compatible partners.

Becoolio · 13/05/2016 15:54

Yes I was going to say if all your previous partners were up for it why did you pick the one man who wasn't? And then set up home with him.

You picked the wrong man for you op.

I had a long-term relationship with a man who was incompatible with me sexually and it was a massive compromise for me. When we split up he said, please tell me at least the sex was good. It wasn't, it was awful for me but for him it was enough.

I would never compromise on the sex ever again.

He will not change op,

ordinaryman · 13/05/2016 16:34

No, I don't believe it will work.

You will read several current threads on here where both men and women are venting similar frustrations, yet are 'trapped' by marriage.

If the relationship is not working right now, then don't let it get any further.

It doesn't get better.

Flumpnugget · 13/05/2016 16:35

As someone who lives in the opposite dynamic (partner very sex orientated, high sex drive, constant need and desire) id say that relationships can work where sexual drives are perhaps "mismatched" or very different.

Being open about it, good communication, seeing where compromises can be reached are all important before calling off an entire relationship where everything else is "perfect".

Guiltypleasures001 · 13/05/2016 16:48

Stroppy verbally aggressive then next day acts like nothing happened, then gets suggestive like leading you on? He pursued you and lead you to believe that he was on same page, you mention up thread that he takes his times with the suit cuff links etc, this has red flags for me now.

I also get the feeling that you are desperate for this too work even to the point of overriding your own sanity, I get the feeling he would allow you to do this and then use it against you.

So let's re cap

I think your vulnerable, there's more you haven't mentioned
I think he's sneakily controlling on some level
Lolled you in under false pretences to move in so quick
Promised as far as you are concerned that he was singing from the same hymn sheet
1 yr in you sound besotted and dare I say needy
He's using this to tease you and leave you flat, he's love bombing you then withdraws affection or sex

This is more than mismatched sex drives, he's got all the hallmarks of being a nasty controlling twunt
And your unknowingly drip feeding Roar sorry, what else is he like?

DaveCamoron · 13/05/2016 16:55

It sounds like you've settled with the wrong man, in my mid twenties I was very much up for as much sex as I could get, I still am but real life I.E work etc can get in the way.

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 14/05/2016 09:03

Hang on, I'm needy because I'm with someone I love but we aren't having what I consider enough sex? Sexually perhaps but emotionally? Absolutely not.

OP posts:

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 14/05/2016 09:04

I think you're all right

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/05/2016 09:54

I think you have a need to make this work even though it causes you to ignore your own needs, I also think he's not as nice as you possibly say.

ecuse · 14/05/2016 10:03

It's a tough one. I think this is a really hard thing to reconcile. I used to be in a similar position - burning with frustration, feeling resentful, low self confidence because always getting knocked back (at about your age). There were times I considered ending it. It worked out okay - since I had kids my sex drive is way lower . But this is probably a high risk strategy - that may not happen to you! And I do worry about what happens when my kids are a bit older and I'm less tired - if I go back to having a higher sex drive how will it be?

Pjtime159 · 14/05/2016 10:28

If it's not meeting your needs now a year in, it never will. It will get worse over time.

If it's that important move on.

Problem I found when dating though was the blokes who were all wanting to shag me all the time were mostly arseholes and I couldn't stick with them!

1DAD2KIDS · 14/05/2016 10:59

This is an age old tradadgy. The simple truth is we are all different. We all different in different aspects and place different levels of priority on these aspects. It is I am afraid a matter of poor compatability. You say he's great in other ways but still he does even meet your in the middle when it comes to sex.

Imagine it another way. What if he was the world's best lover but a complete twat to you when not having sex. Would you be on here saying he good at sex but is horrible emotionally, should I stay with him?

IMO you are at a crucial junction. Fair enough you are fairly invested but still at a stage we you can get out. The longer you together the harder to get out. It's sad but you are not fully compatible and he is never going to truly make you happy. This over time will be quite damaging to your mental wellbeing. I think as sad as it is you need to cut lose your your own wellbeing

LogicalThinking · 14/05/2016 12:21

Why should he have to increase his sex drive and have a different type of sex to suit your need?
Why can't you reduce your sex drive and desires to suit his needs?

Can you see how unreasonable it is to expect either of you to change?
People can't just switch on and off like that.

You are incompatible. There's no fixing it. Move on.

Original poster

roarfeckingroar · 14/05/2016 14:14

Because sex is healthy, exercise, bonding and free. It's like glue that brings people together.

He has made a real effort the last few days after another frank but calm and kind discussion so I'm going to give it a final chance.

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