Adult Adoptees - All welcome

[Humsta]

If like me, you're an adult adoptee, you may well share my view that there is virtually no where to go to talk about your younger life with anyone outside of your everyday circles - and you probably don't always want to do that. Even specific professional support is scarce.

I'm well adjusted and getting on with enjoying life and don't think about my childhood negatively any more than the next person. However once in a while something insignificant happens; a throw away comment from a family member; a tv program; or a special event that's never as straight forward for me as the rest of the family. And it sends me spinning into a cycle where all I can seem to focus on is being adopted! This is why I can't always talk to my family biological or adoptive - even though we're normally close.

I have traced my biological family and have had just about as much honestly from everyone as you can get, but I still feel at times that truly only other adoptees can understand my thinking.

I've now read a certain book The Primal Wound; contacted one of the few other adoptees I know (we'd never discussed our shared ground before) and feel that I'm building an extra support network and personal understanding that works for me - and this thread is part of it.

Naturally I understand this topic will be of interest to all parties in the adoption triangle but I am hoping that in the main adoptees will be able to post on this thread without the feeling of offending adopters or biological parents and then having to justify their words.

From what I can see adopters have a fair amount of support so hopefully we the adult 'children' can just have this space for ourselves.

I hope anyone that posts also feels a little more understood afterwards and I know all our experiences are different - but if I feel I can help in anyway I will

@ Humsta
I haven't read the primal wound but will make a point of doing that thanks.
I definitely have a few confidence issues but I think that stems from my Am telling me that whatever I did it wasn't good enough. I have 3 ABs and 3 ASs as well who are much older. I was the only 1 who went to college and furthered my education and now have my own business.
When I came out to my family as gay my AD didn't have a problem with it but my AM told me I was no daughter of hers and that I was disgusting. Until she was on her death bed and tried to make peace with me. It felt very half hearted.
Anyway I have always wanted children but my BM was schizophrenic, although it skipped me I have always had it in mind that if I had a biological child it may be passed to them. So that is why my partner and I have gone down the adoption route.
We are very excited and can't wait to have a child.

My BMs brother was also schizophrenic so it runs in the family.
I know very little of my BFs medical history.
Regarding my BF, I tried to find out more about him and his parents but have hit a brick wall. I know he was married before he met my mother and found the wedding certificate but when it comes to his parents the information is sealed. Any ideas why?
I'm wondering if he was maybe adopted and that's why they are not shown. Also the spelling of his surname is different from my middle name which I am assured is correct. He had a very distinct and unusual middle name so I know I found the correct person from the records.

I don't know why they aren't giving you further information, it must be a legal requirement.

I agree with you about all the getting information about yourself whilst you can but it's about timing isn't it? The time just wasn't right for you when your Dad wanted to show up, at least he tried but none of us have a crystal ball do we. It must be challenging going through the adoption process but hopefully it will give you the opportunity to understand a lot more about yourself - I'm assuming they give you lots of counselling but maybe that isn't the case?

My AD has always been really open about the information that they were given when I was growing up. AM doesn't like to talk about it, so I put off tracing my Bio mum (AM is Mum, I usually call Bio mum by her name, but I use bio mum when talking about her with others) for years. Eventually, I found her through the adoption agency and I met her. I wanted medical history more than anything, especially, since having my own DC's, but I was open to more communication. It has fizzled out a bit to the odd check in through facebook, and that's ok. I got what I needed out of it, and I think she made the best decision for the situation she was in, at the time she was in it.

I haven't made any effort to look for bio father, though Bio mum said she would help me if I wanted. I feel like it's different with him. There's almost a 10 year age gap between them, and she was very young when she had me. He knew of the pregnancy and my birth but he didn't want to be named in any of it.

Carapepi - My AD met my BM a few times and she let slip a bit more information than she should have, so if the adoption agency didn't come through I could have found her by myself. If you have his marriage certificate could you use it to find his birth certificate?

And on a lighter note, my dad is not prone to great highs of emotion. He doesn't panic, he doesn't get nervous. The man is as steady as a rock. When they met with the adoption agency, he was handed a cup of tea and his hands were shaking with nerves. He remembers telling them 'I don't know how you make tea here, but where I'm from it doesn't jump out of the cup like this.' He said that after that the rest of the meeting was fine and he had relaxed into it.

Hello fellow adult adoptees! I was adopted as a baby in the 60s. My adoptive parents are now dead, they were good parents, we had our ups and downs, but I do miss them terribly. I've also met both my birth parents.
What's brought me here, is that I've just friended my adoptive father's SIL on Facebook. She is recently widowed and I'm aware any links to my adoptive family are disappearing. It was made quite clear to me by my adoptive grandmother that I didn't count as a grandchild as I was adopted. I'm also aware that my cousins have been involved in each others' lives, and I've been left out. However seeing photos on FB from the past with comments between my cousins has made me feel sad. No mention is made of me or my parents, as if we didn't exist, even though I recognise some of the pics and have memories. Although I know my birth siblings and cousins, I also don't fit in there as I'm not part of their past and their reminiscing doesn't make sense to me.
It must be my menopause hormones as well, but I feel really sad and teary.

Hey ladyfanny, welcome to the board! I understand why your feeling down because it's making you question you're whole identity again (I say again because I guess you must have at some point before); it's also probably resurrecting negative feelings from parts of your adoptive family that you thought were dead and buried.

I think Facebook is a double edged sword: great for keeping in touch but also fantastic at making you feel like shite - intentionally or not! Seems like at this point in time you know they're not going to change their behaviour so really it's down to you to change yours. Have you tried the unfollow option? That way you can stay in touch but you'll know that if you click on you adopted relatives profile you have to be prepared to be upset...or don't go on it?

I remember one of my biological uncles adding me on Facebook, never sent me a message or made any further contact and it didn't take long for me to remove him from my friends list - In reality there was nothing to lose...

Pohara1 - I love the reference to dad's cup of tea

Hello Humsta, yes that's exactly it, I feel like I don't belong in either family. My birth family are lovely people, but strangers to me, I don't feel a strong connection. I came to the party too late if you like.
I have memories of my wider adoptive family, but don't feel like I'm part of them as we don't have a blood tie, when they talk about family resemblances etc, it's clear that I'm not part of that conversation.
It's not going to be a big deal, just makes me a bit sad that's all. I guess being adopted is always part of your psyche and from time to time it makes you question your place in the world, even when you thought you'd dealt with it.

I totally agree with you - it's always going to be part of us, rather like marriage for better or for worse! Console yourself with the fact that if they (adopted) don't want to make you feel part of things it's a reflection on them, not you. Your history was your history and whether they choose to acknowledge it or not - you were part of their family, even if you're not much anymore, again I will say FB is a great place to get the impression that everyone else is having a whale of a time...in reality they've probably got just as many insecurities in their life as the rest of us!

I was presented with an Email recently from a solicitor, who stated that an uncle had made me beneficiary of his will. However he also made my half brother so as well. The letter I got stated my uncle signed the will in the wrong place so the will is null and void. I instructed the solicitor that my uncle has still 2 living brothers and to inform them asap.
The original will was meant to be split between me an my half brother. I was adopted but bm sister and have other brothers and sisters/ cousins.

Anyway I told the family what I had heard and had passed that knowledge on to legal side, trying to be fair for all. Basically I could have accepted the inheritance but I didn't because I feel I am no different from my cousins/ brothers and sisters.

It now looks like my half brother has got everything and nobody else has had a thought.
P.s my uncle passed almost 4 years ago and the house still looks the same. Same old curtains in the Windows. The house has not changed since my granny died in 1977. She died 3 months after I was born.

Do you sometimes feel like you're the only one who has to consider everyone else's feelings before your own? Or is that just me

As they say, money is the route of all evil - if he thinks he deserves it all, what a tosser.

Test

Can I join :)

Hi Umbongo, how you doing

Quiet here isn't it

Hi all. I know this is an old thread but couldn't find anything more recent so thought I'd add my story to this.

I was removed from my BM at 6 months due to her MH issues. I ended up eventually (at 10 years old) being adopted by my foster parents. I've always known about my adoption, and can actually remember being in court for the adoption hearing.

I've known about the issues that my BM had, she was abused by her father when she was younger and suffered with severe MH issues as a result.

I've made attempts at contact throughout the years but it has never gone well. Since having my own DC I would really like to know more about my birth family so have started the process of accessing my official adoption records and having some contact mediation.

My BM has never given me any information on BF (no details on birth certificate either). Has anyone else had this and found that eventually they did get info?

Hi Creepy I've no idea about finding information on BM's as I've never wanted to trace mine (adopted at 10) but I'm sure Humsta will know.

My adoption story is an odd one; I was in foster care for a long time, went to live with a family who were set to adopt me and before it happened they changed their minds and placed me back into foster care. I understand now as an adult that adopted children won't ever be 'easy' or plain sailing, but I also feel shocked (especially now I've two children of my own) that anyone could genuinely feel so little for a child that they look them up and down and say "nope, you're not staying". That hurt probably shouldn't be so jarring all these years later, but when I think about it, I still feel little cracks in my heart. It heals but those crack remain.

My adoptive parents were an odd pair, too. My Mum couldn't have her own children and I often felt that I was compared to her imaginary daughter; I remember her saying to me once "my daughter would never do that" as though I was in constant competition with the daughter in her head. I'm not particularly close to either of my adopted parents, but haven't ever felt the urge to contact my birth parents. My birth dad died a few years back and I had the opportunity for contact but held off, thinking that, actually, he was simply a stranger at the end of a terribly sad life rather than someone who'd featured in my life.

Now I'm 36 and live a lovely life. I'm happy, for the most part; I have a lovely husband, a job I enjoy and the DCs are wonderful. But I feel 'different' to everyone else around me, like my happiness could topple at any moment. To all intents and purposes I have my happy ending. It's a happy ending for everyone around me, less so for me. Perhaps that's my lot in life, though, and that's ok. My children are loved, privileged and nurtured. They're living the childhoods I never could. I think that's where my healing happens.

I'm really glad to see this thread. I think it should have it's own section on the Body and Soul page. Are we really saying that this issue is less important than, say, vegans or childminders? No offence to vegans and childminders, but adoptees are equally important too, and after many hours searching online for stories I've found relatively little - especially from the UK.
MNHQ take note!

I was adopted at 10 days old and it will be really nice to speak to other adoptees about this stuff. I haven't found my birth family and have never really wanted to but recently have started to re-think this but feel a bit scared about it all. I've always known about being adopted but have never investigated it but my adopted brother did and made an almighty mess of it that really hurt our Mum. So that feels like a huge barrier to me now even though I would never ever try to contact anyone through Facebook like he did, out of the blue. I'm 37 and this is weighing on my mind more and more recently!

This is a well timed thread. I've recently lost both adoptive parents, which has been hugely traumatic. I never tried to trace my bm while they were alive as they would have been upset (although they would have denied it and put a brave face on it). Also they were elderly and bm was a teenage mother so I assumed I had plenty of time...

Clearing out their house I obtained my adoption papers. Took 5 mins googling to find bm - she had died of cancer 5 years previously aged 50.
To be honest it felt like a kick in the guts even though I didn't 'know' her. It's like I've lost 2 and a bit parents. I can see from facebook that she married in her twenties and had a few kids, but I've no desire to contact them. I can see that my bio aunt is on facebook and I may contact her in the future to see if the cancer was a hereditary one, but right now I've got too much on my plate.

Oh my goodness BW&F that is so, so sad I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, that is my worst fear about not contacting my birth family. I'm so sorry about your parents you must feel absolutely terrible. My BM would be about that age too so I feel the same way you do. I wish I had some brilliant advice to offer but I don't. I can offer a listening ear?

@humsta

Just to let you know that there's an adoption board right here on MN where lots of other adopters hang out. You might get a bit more traffic if you ask for it to be moved over where people will see it. Just a thought.

I mean adoptees

Thanks skatastic for your kind words - it was very therapeutic to just write it out!