Adult Adoptees - All welcome

[Humsta]

If like me, you're an adult adoptee, you may well share my view that there is virtually no where to go to talk about your younger life with anyone outside of your everyday circles - and you probably don't always want to do that. Even specific professional support is scarce.

I'm well adjusted and getting on with enjoying life and don't think about my childhood negatively any more than the next person. However once in a while something insignificant happens; a throw away comment from a family member; a tv program; or a special event that's never as straight forward for me as the rest of the family. And it sends me spinning into a cycle where all I can seem to focus on is being adopted! This is why I can't always talk to my family biological or adoptive - even though we're normally close.

I have traced my biological family and have had just about as much honestly from everyone as you can get, but I still feel at times that truly only other adoptees can understand my thinking.

I've now read a certain book The Primal Wound; contacted one of the few other adoptees I know (we'd never discussed our shared ground before) and feel that I'm building an extra support network and personal understanding that works for me - and this thread is part of it.

Naturally I understand this topic will be of interest to all parties in the adoption triangle but I am hoping that in the main adoptees will be able to post on this thread without the feeling of offending adopters or biological parents and then having to justify their words.

From what I can see adopters have a fair amount of support so hopefully we the adult 'children' can just have this space for ourselves.

I hope anyone that posts also feels a little more understood afterwards and I know all our experiences are different - but if I feel I can help in anyway I will

He was my rock in case you missed it.

SeaEagle

No. Giving my baby up was the worst mistake I have ever made for myself. It wasn't my choice. I had no support and I was practically forced into the decision by family that did know. I have never gotten over it.

However.... She has had an amazing childhood. Her parents are amazing. She has been encouraged to follow every dream she's had and has had a very privileged upbringing (I don't mean that financially privileged. I mean attention, support and love)

I wish she wanted more but maybe one day

I will hope for you that she gets in touch, magicmoon. Really will.

Hi i am a longtime lurker but just joined because of this topic.
I was adopted at 6 weeks old and adore my parents. I had a very happy childhood and have great relationships with them now.

My biological parents!!!! I know them both and their respective families. I dont belong with them. That is the best way i can sum it up. My bm wants more than i can give. And my bf thinks i should be in awe of how wonderful all his kids are!!

I am so lucky to have 3dc and my dh and wonderful (adoptive) parents... or as far as i am concerned mum and dad.

Thank you for starting this thread as there seems to be so little support for adult adoptees.

I've recently started counselling for attachment issues related to my early years. I've really struggled with trust and close relationships throughout my life. I think it's going to be a hard slog but hopefully it might mean I can build up closer relationships and friendships.

Newlife4me, in relation to sharing it is hard without out-ing oneself, isn't it?! Your story sounds really interesting (though you may not think so!). I am glad about dh being a rock. Mine is too about anything adoption related, although we don't talk about it much. It is usually me exploding with irritation at some unreasonable behaviour of parents.

Newtothis2017, it sounds like we have opposite experiences. Do you think your bfather is trying to be competitive, talking about his wonderful dc, or is he trying to persuade you to have relationships with them?

I have always wanted to know what proportion of adoptees had experiences like yours, or mine, or somewhere in between. Does anyone else wonder about this?

CaoNiMao, what is an EA family? Sorry if I am being missing the obvious. I googled it and couldn't find the answer.

Hi, would this primal wound book be useful for a teen whose biological father left 3 days after her birth?

jelly

It was weird as I had received a letter from adoption agency telling me they didn't want to know, so completely put it out of my mind.
I did want to be able to tell the dc something about their roots so I started ancestry just for this purpose.
From this I was contacted by cousins daughter, (second cousin?)
She put me in touch with an auntie, who was kind and i met some relatives.
i wasn't prepared to go along with the lies they wanted me to be a part of, to rewrite history and say that when bm married they came looking for me and her husband was my bf. They just wanted everything to be decent, this upset me a lot and now I just keep in touch very occasionally and they call me when another family member dies. It's a huge family and they tend to make their own rules in life, like many of their culture. I'm sure you can guess their culture, they aren't honest and decent people at all and I know I'm best away from them.

I'm also a long-term MNer who has NCd for this thread (and this subject).

I was born in the late 1950s and adopted at the age of 3 months (ish). I think I was very lucky to have a happy adoption and lovely family life with my adoptive parents. I always knew that I was adopted, Mum (Adoptive Mum) invented a story - like a bedtime story - to explain that although I wasn't their own child, I was very much their child, which I totally accepted and grew up knowing the "you were specially chosen" scenario.

But ... there is always something 'missing'.

The circumstances of my birth parents, my adoption and various other scenarios mean that it's very difficult for me to do any tracing - even though I was told some more details when I was a bit older - and I have also now got a copy of my adoption file.

I'll leave this for now though, but will probably return to the thread again.

Good evening everyone! Do you know I hadn't received any notifications from this thread and I thought 'ouch I must have hit the wrong note with my opening statement' I'm so pleased jay other people feel the need and have the courage to use this thread too. I understand not wanted to end up in the Daily Fail, I think we all know to try and stay someone generic...to minimise the risk of identification!

lasvegas Primal Wound was really important to me as an adoptee, however the wound itself is fundamentally described as between the child and biological mother so might not be that helpful to your teen in question.

I have a similar expreience, Cao. Am also overseas. It was part of my reason for moving away.

I have been looking at getting some adoption counselling and someone recommended steps2wellbeing which is a local NHS service. To be fair it's aimed towards people with severe anxiety or depression - of which I have neither, nevertheless I had to go through the process of questions to see if they could offer specific help.

I gave an abridged version of my life to which the phone therapist replied 'and how long has this been affecting you....?' I thought 'WHAT??!! You clearly have no understanding of adoption do you... Errr my whole life?!' Obviously I didn't want to make her feel inadequate so said what she wanted to hear but I'd switched off at that point...got told no specific help and given a few other names...story of my life!

Actually they did give me the number of a guy who I rang who seemed to get me so who knows...maybe I'll get fixed! Not really sure if I'm broken but am sure I have a heap of sadness inside I'd like to release.

Humsta thanks

Interesting article on orphans in literature
hazlitt.net/feature/alone-jungle

I was adopted at 2 weeks and my Dsis is also adopted ( not related). I had the most wonderful life with my family but always felt something was missing and that l was different.
I traced my BM and family through genes reunited and although my BM had died young l got to know my siblings. Well what a screwed up bunch they are. Multiple marriages alcoholics social services 2 x DNephews in care. I may sound judgemental and l suppose l am but l thank my lucky stars l was given up for adoption
I tried to keep in contact but eventually had to give up. My DSis saw me as in her words " rich pickings" good to borrow money from - she eventually moved abroad leaving her DCs behind with DH number 5. DB seemed to have been an emotional punchbag for the family and his relationship with his DW is rubbish, he tried to involve me but l am not qualified for that and that lead to a torrent of abuse- l am no contact.
However l found l have another DB also adopted that l have never met and that my siblings know nothing about and l will not tell them.
My adopted parents are dead my adopted DSis and l are poles apart in many ways but are close.
Whether is is my upbringing/ history or not l find l have difficulty in trusting or relating to people. I have wonderful DH and DC's and a few friends but l tend to keep people at arms length. I tend to think that they must want something from me or that they are laughing at me. I think this stems back from a comment made my my cousin when l was 7/8.- she told me l wasn't a real member of the extended family and even at that age it stung. My DSis and l were not invited to a wedding as we were not "blood" relatives. My Parents refused to go-- they were so lovely and l miss them so much.
Wow sorry for the waffle it's been quite cathartic writing it all out.

My song is Me Myself I by Joan Armatrading ? Just about sums me up...

One of the things my adoptive mother did which I found difficult was family trees. She was always banging on about her ancestors and where they had come from. I suspect that she considered her ancestors to be my ancestors too. I don't think it ever crossed her mind that it made me feel even more of an outsider.

In a way are you glad you didn't get invited to that wedding? What a bunch of a@holes!! I get quite defensive when I hear about people like that but they are obviously quite small minded so wouldn't add much value to your life...

It's a little different when children say stuff - although no less painful and it's stays with you for life - but kids don't always have the emotional intelligence and she probably felt some sort of inadequacy in her life... some kids will pick on anyway perceived weakness.

Both my adoptive parents have passed away and I particularly miss my father, I feel like they got all the rough times (I was an act outer) and non of the good stuff that I have to offer as a fully fledged adult now.

Lagodiatitlan I still feel that way about family trees now....do they go three dimensional?

My DF died 15 years ago and how l miss him, he was my best friend as l grew up, as a very sickly child l couldn't walk far ( severe uncontrolled asthma) he played games with me I'd tennis where l sat on a chair and he did the running about he ran me everywhere even my DM learned to drive to get me to school.
my BM brother tried to add me to their family tree with illegitimate written all over it on genes reunited. He was told on no uncertain terms by my DH to remove it. I think me family tree starts with me at the top, at least the DCs have DH side of the tree.
My parents got me through the worst saw the worst and the best of me. I love them unconditionally DM died 5 months ago and how l miss her love and support.
I hope l made them as happy and proud of me as they made me of them.

That's rather lovely inlectorecumbit.

Jellyfishschool - yup I wonder about %s of positive experiences and then what percentage of people with what they would call effective parents still feel a loss and the opposite IYSWIM. I wonder if their are common traits to job or family choices eg with birth mothers you are more likely to either have children very soon after a child has been placed for adoption and you are also more likely to have no further children. I wonder whether their are common trends even if contradictory with those adopted.

Despite my parents being very religious and entirely useless at some stuff their behavior was brilliant in most ways. I was nurtured and happy. In fact as an adult I have no sense of loss, no problem forming relationships or friendships and have always been a stable cheerful soul. There is another American who posts here called cheerful yank which makes me smile because that's how I pretty much feel and wish I got that name first!

The part of my life where I became a birth parent was influenced by my experience and upbringing. I did wonder if it was easier for my parents to reject the pregnancy because I was adopted but it wasn't that just their social and religious values.

Primal wound was an interesting read but not really one I could relate to in the main.
I am fascinated by families by relationships and pretty much equally intolerant of the arse holes in my adoptive and birth family. I do think that searching is best done when you are robust enough to be open to the positive but overly dependent on the outcome.

Hi is there any face to face support groups where I can talk to other people in my situation! I was adopted at 1 week old had a fabulous up bringing I love my mum and dad very much but I'm so confused and feel quite scared I'm 36 and I cannot cope with losing people it's really brought it to light since a recent break up its not actually him it's the loss because I thought he was going to be a part of my family! I am totally st a loss now as I can't get help anywhere xx

Hi Beau79, sorry to hear about your break up, things big and small can trigger serious thoughts about your own adoption. I don't know of any face to face groups but that doesn't mean there aren't any? I'm happy to talk if that's any help... I'm camping today so may not be quick to respond.

Thanku very much I never feel loved enough :( it's terrible :( have a lovely time xx

Beau, there are some links here which might help you www.mumsnet.com/webguide/adoption-and-fostering.

Many years ago I used to belong to something called NORCAP, but unfortunately they couldn't keep going through the 'credit crunch' and I think that many of their people and resources have been amalgamated into some of the other organisations which might be on that list. Maybe one of those organisations can help point you in the right directions for the help you need?

Sometimes I think when you're adopted you have an unrealistic expectation of how it feels to be loved and think it must be different if you grow up with your 'real family'.

It sounds like your adopted parents couldn't have done more for you and dearly love you, but for you still doesn't feel enough.

Breaking up with someone is shit at the best of times - maybe now you need your adopted family more than ever to give you the support you need, have you spoken to them?