Adult Adoptees - All welcome

[Humsta]

If like me, you're an adult adoptee, you may well share my view that there is virtually no where to go to talk about your younger life with anyone outside of your everyday circles - and you probably don't always want to do that. Even specific professional support is scarce.

I'm well adjusted and getting on with enjoying life and don't think about my childhood negatively any more than the next person. However once in a while something insignificant happens; a throw away comment from a family member; a tv program; or a special event that's never as straight forward for me as the rest of the family. And it sends me spinning into a cycle where all I can seem to focus on is being adopted! This is why I can't always talk to my family biological or adoptive - even though we're normally close.

I have traced my biological family and have had just about as much honestly from everyone as you can get, but I still feel at times that truly only other adoptees can understand my thinking.

I've now read a certain book The Primal Wound; contacted one of the few other adoptees I know (we'd never discussed our shared ground before) and feel that I'm building an extra support network and personal understanding that works for me - and this thread is part of it.

Naturally I understand this topic will be of interest to all parties in the adoption triangle but I am hoping that in the main adoptees will be able to post on this thread without the feeling of offending adopters or biological parents and then having to justify their words.

From what I can see adopters have a fair amount of support so hopefully we the adult 'children' can just have this space for ourselves.

I hope anyone that posts also feels a little more understood afterwards and I know all our experiences are different - but if I feel I can help in anyway I will

www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/

Have you seen these people. I don't know whether they have groups but call them, they are lovely and will get it.

I think we all carry something as a consequence of being adopted .

Thanks Classiccoast, btw I like the name

Hi thanks guys I will try anything just be nice to talk to someone in person

New life, I am I intrigued by your background. It sounds fascinating. I found out some of my biological family are Irish. I don't know which area.

Beau, I think adopted people are often more vulnerable to rejection. I think speaking for myself, I am anyway. I think it hurts so much. I hope you're OK. I'm not saying we have suffered more than anyone else ever has but being rejected from birth leaves a scar. I know what the poster meant when they said some adopted people idealise birth families, but I think some of us have had such a rough ride that we long for something better.

My birth family didn't wholly reject me but they put me down and behaved oddly and it hurt a lot. It put me off tracing my bio father as I was scared he would do the same. One hurtful thing they seemed to do was labelling me 'unreliable' like my birth father. That hurt.

Someone from After Adoption UK was supposed to help me trace my father but they were quite unhelpful. I'm scared he's dead now.

I close my adopted self off now and don't 'feel' it day to day if that makes sense. Today I've had a few glasses of wine and I can talk about it. Most days it's a part of me I shut inside. I often feel I no longer have the energy to discuss it.

Beau, I feel the same sometimes about not feeling loved enough. At uni we studied 'ontological security I think it was. It's when a baby's caregiver goes and comes back and the baby begins to trust and feel safe in the world because the caregiver comes back. Without sounding dramatic, our caregivers didn't come back. They were replaced by something else and many children recover from this I'm sure if they have the right support. Perhaps for some of us it's more of a struggle.

I hope this isn't a load of waffle, but what I think is, my 'weakness' is my strength. I have been hurt but I have a sensitivity which has enabled me to help others and for some to just instinctively trust me. Similarly, you may be hurt by rejection but the love you have for your children will be so full I am sure.

Emily you are not waffling it's very kind of you to message! I am 37 and I am realising that the rejection feeling is getting worse! I'm really tired and hurt by it all I wish I had people to talk to face to face in my situation! I hope you are ok x

Emily I agree with you about your weakness being your strength, in many ways being adopted has made me much better at understanding others... Or is that the whole nature v nurture debate

I wonder, for people who have had counselling/therapy - was there a better type that 'worked'? Did you find someone who specialises in adoption?

Thanks Beau. I am ok thanks. There might be people that meet up in your area? Maybe contact www.afteradoption.org.uk/our-services/searching-people-and-information

They might know someone you could talk to.

Humsta, if you are born before a certain date, there is a legal requirement that you have counselling before accessing birth records. I had it but it was very brief. I don't know if counselling particularly for adopted people of a more long term basis is available.

Yes I had that - pretty brief mind you

DM died recently and today l was clearing her house (my DF died 15 years ago), l found this written in me dad's handwriting in a case along with my birth certificate and l thought l would share

To An Adopted Child

We did not bring you into this world
It was not our destiny
But we chose you for ourselves
Our own dear child to be
Our name to bear and lives to share
A blessing from above
To be the darling of our hearts
To cherish and to love

Someday you will know the truth
The story we must tell
But l pray you'll understand
And love us just as well
God grant us wisdom through the years
And strength to carry through
Our hopes and dreams
And all the lovey things we plan for you

I must admit l did cry-- l miss them both so much

What a precious keepsake to find out of the blue. I missed my adopted parents too and I feel they missed out on what I could now give back to them. Thanks for sharing

Hello,
I'm another adult adoptee and was really happy to see this thread, I have just started counselling over a number of different issues that I think probably stem from my early life, I lived with my birth mum until I was about a year old when she put me up for adoption as she couldn't cope, I think she had severe mental health problems. I then lived with foster parents until being adopted at about two and a half. My adoptive family are good people and I'm close to them, living with them atm with my DS as I'm also recently separated. However my childhood and teenage years were quite complex really, I think my adoptive parents weren't really prepared for the added baggage that comes with adopted children and some of their behaviour unfortunately crossed a line into being quite abusive at times. It's in the past now and as I say I'm living with them at the moment so it's a bit of a complicated situation. I'm trying to address things in therapy but feel I have a long way to go. I would really like to connect with other adult adoptees and have also wondered if any support groups are available. I will check out the link posted earlier as well.

H&M when I read your post I could have written it myself - happy to chat if you ever want to PM

I found out I was adopted by my Dad when I was 18. My mum and he have never ever told me (I am 44). I had thought up until 18 he was my birth father however I found out my BD gave me up for adoption when I was 2. I don't want to tell them I know as for some reason they have never told me. It upsets me though as to why they have never told me. Did they think I will never find out?

There has been an upset with my Dads sister & husband in that the husband (my uncle) was threatening me & my other half to get at my Dad for a ridiculous reason do do with my Gran. We now don't speak but whilst it was all going on my Uncle was texing me things like I'm not a real "Insert Surname". I just ignored it and pretended I thought he as meaning as my surname is now my husbands but I know exactly what he was referring to. My dad was distraught. I think because of the way my Uncle is that as soon as my Gran passes away he is going to very vindictively tell me.

Sorry this has turned into a totally different post!!

hotwaterbottle nothing good ever seems to come from secrets does it?

It was probably the usual thing from your adopted dad - he unconditionally loved and still loves you and felt that he would do - and wanted to do - a much better job than your biological dad did.

However it's such a big burden for you to hold and your uncle making snidey digs is really mean and clearly the opposite of your dad's nature.

It sounds like you have a whole 'inheritance thing' going to rear it's ugly head but focusing on your primary reason for posting on this thread - they know; you now know; other family members know; do you think it could be time to lay the cards on the table with your mum and dad??

Hi,
I am interested about people who found their birth parents. Did you find answers to your questions? Understand yourself better? Did they make space for you in their lives?

I was adopted at 1 after spending a year in an orphanage (not uk). I was brought up knowing I was adopted (it was fairly obvious!). I personally think I'm well adjusted and really lucked out with my family. I doubt I will ever look for my birth parents but curious about those who have.

I also wonder if any others who have been adopted have adopted children yourselves? I would like to give the upbringing my parents gave to me to another child but not sure if I could handle it?

Hi twinklecrinkle

I traced both of my parents - no easy task - and have met the both. My dad only once and my mother who I'm in regular contact with.

I did have good adoptive parents however in my teenage years my relationship with them was not good at all. Meeting my biological parents did me the world of good in many respects, I was similar to my biological mum in many ways - although also very different - and it stop me feeling like an unfinished jigsaw.

Although I met my father we haven't really stayed in touch and I don't feel any real loss of him (I'm interested in his children but they may not even know about me!)

My mother does give me a lot but equally she hasn't always lived up to my expectations either - whether they were realistic in the first place is another question.

My adopted parents were supportive of me tracing my family - and as we were ethnically different I think it was even more important for me to do so, having said that I'm still the same person - just with a greater understanding of myself.

Hi twinklecrinkle

I traced both of my parents - no easy task - and have met the both. My dad only once and my mother who I'm in regular contact with.

I did have good adoptive parents however in my teenage years my relationship with them was not good at all. Meeting my biological parents did me the world of good in many respects, I was similar to my biological mum in many ways - although also very different - and it stop me feeling like an unfinished jigsaw.

Although I met my father we haven't really stayed in touch and I don't feel any real loss of him (I'm interested in his children but they may not even know about me!)

My mother does give me a lot but equally she hasn't always lived up to my expectations either - whether they were realistic in the first place is another question.

My adopted parents were supportive of me tracing my family - and as we were ethnically different I think it was even more important for me to do so, having said that I'm still the same person - just with a greater understanding of myself.

Thanks Humsta that's really interesting. I'm glad finding them has helped

A blog about adoption you might like written by a friend of mine ...

Exploring adoption: Not all those who wander are lost* www.littleacornmightyoak.com/adventures-adoptee-nomad-within/

It was pointed out to me a few years ago that when I talk to people that I don't make eye contact with them. I never really noticed it myself before or at least didn't see it as an issue as I suppose it seemed normal to me. I am now very aware of it and try hard to make eye contact especially where it is someone important that I need to get my point of view over.
I'm wondering if I did this before I found out I was adopted or this is something I have fallen into as an adult.
Does anyone do this?
I was 9 when I found out I was adopted and almost 40 now, it was pointed out in my 30s about my eye contact issues.

Hello all,
Another adult adoptees here, I've known as long as I can remember that I'm adopted, I remember going to meet and bring home my younger sibling, I was 2.5 yrs old. Traced with the brilliant help of my adoption society, my bparents nearly 3 yrs ago. They married a couple of yrs after I was adopted and I have 2 bsiblings. We are all in contact and I meet bparents quite regularly. It's really great to have this thread😊 Thanks for starting it Humsta x

Hi Carapepi77, not making eye contact isn't something I do personally but I often wonder what's a symptom of being adopted and what's just your natural nature. My brother isn't adopted and he avoids eye contact a lot...do you think you have issues about self confidence or are you pretty happy as you are? I'm interested that you're planning to adopt (I hope you don't mind me referring to your previous thread?). I may sound like a broken record but have you read The Primal Wound? It's rather good for the likes of you and me.

Irelandfilly it's good to hear you're positive news story regarding adoption and there are many out there! Despite some of my hang ups i do consider myself an adoption success story - I think

I was not adopted but I'm reading that book OP. It is really good!

I'm reading it because I'm interested in adopting my stepdaughter and I want to read as much as I can to really make sure that I'm doing what's best for her.

The depth of love that I feel for her simply has no words but I'm very aware that one day she will want to know why my husband's exw didn't feel able to look after her. I know that she will have questions and I want her to know that that's ok and would not hurt me. I just want her to be happy, safe and secure.

Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to agree about the book!

P33k - definitely not a high jack, I respect your commitment