Annoyed with MIL's anti-co sleping comments!

[tigertum]

Last week my MIL very kindly bought DS (20 months) his first toddler bed. It was her idea and really helped because we are skint! Anyway, just got off the phone to her to tell her how well he's taken to it and am really upset.

We co-sleep half the night we DS and have done since he was about 7 months. It really works for us and even though we didn't set out to do, we have become real co-sleepig converts and will do it intentionally if we have any more babies.

So, when I say to her "DS really loves his bed, he's been sleeping well in it." She say's "oh, has he slept all night in it". I explain the no he hasn't and on comes a big lecture about how he wont ever sleep on his own if we dont do it now and we should do something about it. I say we are really happy with the way things are and dont want to change things until DS is older by which time things might change naturally. She says "well I just dont agree with it", at which point I change the subject. Wish we hadn't let her buy that bed now. She's made it feel sour IYSWIM.

I also still BF and she doesn't agree with this either, although its been a long while before she has said anything. I hate that she has no concept of what and why we do both of these things yet feels she knows better and has a right to tell us to do different. I know how different her views are - she used to tie DP's bedroom door shut with a skipping rope when he was DS's age.

DP has said he will say something to her. Should I take him up on the offer or let him go.

Message withdrawn

it's none of her business how you feed your child, or where he sleeps. Perhaps she's well meaning, but at the end of the day, co-sleeping and b/feeding can be really lovely, rewarding things.

Perhaps just say, 'bit by bit, he will do his own thing'...let's face it, he's not going to be breastfed and sleeping with you at 12 is he?

I agree with ehr
why cant he sleep alone?

she is right youwill rue the day when you ahev a nother babay and you have tow of them waking you up all night
he is hardly a baby

Ignore your mil - good for you bf and co-sleeping - what a wonderful way to parent your child. The way some people just disrespect others is sooo annoying. Do what you think works for your family xxx

100PerCentCod, he can sleep alone when he wants do. He goes to sleep like a dream at 7.30 every night and when he wakes at about 2ish, he comes in with us and sleeps till mornning.

You make it sound like we are making him and that's the very opposite.

I have spoken to lots and lots of co-sleeping mums and read lots of books written by experienced parents & physocologists who believe co-sleeping is natural, nurturing and helps children grow up confident and happy. I believe that and so does DP and we will continue to do what we think is right.

Co-sleeping is taken as the norm in more cultures than it's not.

Son't judge what you don't understand.

Tigertum, we have exactly the same sleeping arrangement as you (my ds is 21mo). I have learnt to just say yes when anyone (who I know won't understand) asks if he sleeps all night in his own bed...

I wouldn't bother getting DP to say anything unless MIL brings it up again. Then I wouldn't try to justify what you are doing, just say you are doing what you know is right for your family, and that's it. She doesn't have anything to say about it, it doesn't affect her.

We did the same with dd1 and she miraculously slept through on her own from 4 when dd2 was born,. She is a fab sleeper now and i ahev to wake her for School.
DD2 is a very light sleeper and does the same (co-sleeps half the night) and ds sleeps pretty well in his cot so far.

The moral of my post is, i think you're doing great and he'll sleep how he sleeps anyway, he'll fall into his own pattern.
EVERYONE has a view on how you parent your children but you are the parent and they are your children so Sod them

Thanks all for your posts. You're right and what we do as parents will always be our choice at the end of the day. There's no way I'm going to try and force DS out of our bed in the small hours. If it ever comes to that it will be for good reason and not because of my MIL of all things! It's always great to her from other people who's toddlers do what our DS does and even greater to here of them staying in bed all night of their own accord. like your DD Angeliz. Thats what we hope DS will do one day.

I still think co-sleeping is a bit stigmatised in the UK and it's a shame. I used to feel guilty for allowing DS into our bed at the start. It was only when I actually thought about it, read about it and saw the differnce it made that it made perfect sense and turned our sleepless nights around immediately. I just wish people could be more open minded about it.

It's your life not hers and none of her business.

However, and here is the rub, I have found that Mothers are generally Right about Everything in one way or another! This has come home to me as a mum of teens, but most of my own mum's basic observations were right, even if I couldn't see it at the time. For instance 'he's hungry, put him on solids' at 3 months got my back up because you don't introduce solids that early any more, but she was right - he was hungry, I needed to get more rest and sleep so I had more bm. But did I listen? did I heck...

So it is none of her business, but she is an experienced mum - I suspect she's worried that you think he will naturally sleep on his own one day and it will all be very easy, when her experience is that you will have a struggle, and her worry is that you will go through this when you are pregnant or have a new baby or he is old enough to kick up a real storm for weeks and weeks.

Please do NOT put dp in the position of piggy in the middle. If he wants to talk to her let him, but let it be his choice - don't drive a wedge between them.

Co sleeping is great. And he WILL one day sleep through the night and not wake up and come into your bed.

It's natural for little kids to want to be with parents when they wake up, scared and lonely in the night. It certainly doesn't instil confidence and strength by ushering him back to his own bed to be scared and lonely there. By comforting him and letting him know there is always a safe, warm place with you, he'll feel very loved, safe and confident.

I have a Japanese friend who co-slept with her parents - most cultures do co-sleep with their children. Perhaps this is part of how how how family bonds are still strong in other cultures but not so much in ours? - and she said she slept on her own from about 4 years of age. It doesn't last forever, this co-sleeping thing.

As for breastfeeding, I've read about many doctors saying it's a lucky child who is still being breastfed. All those benefits. Great stuff. Well done you. My in laws (SIL included) mutter about social services and lack of nutrition because I still BF my 21 month old son. I just laugh at them. They're being silly.

As for comments from your MIL - well, as much as expererienced mothers obviously know a lot about mothering, it's up to you to find things out for yourself. Your experience is telling you co-sleeping is a positive thing and YOUR experience is just as valuable. Your MIL doesn't have to agree with it. But then again it's not her child. She brought up her child how she wanted to and that's great. Now, it's your turn. Take heart, smile sweetly, shrug your shoulders and say, "This is the way I'm bringing up my children. Thanks for your thoughts on this though."

Every time you do something differently from the way your MIL (or your mum) did it, you are effectively saying that you think their way was wrong. It's very hard to be told that the way you raised your children is not considered to be good enough for your grandchildren.

Rise above it. If you know she has a particular bee about something, just gloss over any response or lie about it if it will keep the peace.

continue to do just as you please. and if your dp says something to her to back you up then three cheers for him too.

bf and co-sleeping are perfectly normal things at your ds's age. have you ever read the 'bawling babies' website or that of Dr James McKenna?

yep, winky winkola is right, the US Surgeon General was quoted as saying that it is a lucky child who is breastfed to the age of 2.

I'd leave it, actually, unless she says anything more. She's entitled to an opinion, and even if she did express it a little more bluntly than some it's still just that - an opinion.

I don't entirely agree with hiddentreasure that Mothers Are Generally Right ... the only thing that is "right" is what happens to work for the mother in question, not the grandparent. Her methods worked for her children, which is why she thinks they are the only way to go, but this is your child, and your choice is the right one for you.

You don't have to defend your choices to her. If she starts again, I'd just say "Thank you, we'll bear that in mind" and change the subject.

What about after 2 though, kidsedee?

i guess he only commented till 2 because it is the recommendation by the WHO that all children receive some bm till at least 2.

Have all you co-sleepers got massive beds? I've never had mine in bed because I wouldn't be able to sleep! Also, although I love them dearly, some days I can only cope with them all because I know that I won't see them from 7pm-7am.

we bought a kingsize because dd comes in with us. we only got it when she was nearer a year and getting very mobile.

My ds has co slept with us from the start and I didn't plan it either but now I wouldn't have had it any other way, he is now 27 months and I am still happy to do it. He is a happy confident child and I think this is because he has such a strong bond with me and my dp.

I agree their is still a stigma attatched to co sleeping in the UK and its a real shame. Carry on as you are, if you are all happy just smile sweetly and change the subject.

kiskidee I laughed when I saw your post we often joke we need a bigger bed!

i co-slept with my ds1 but i didnt choose to,it was just the action of a desperate mother who needed sleep.i couldnt sleep properly with him in the bed so decided not to do it with any of the others no matter what.but thats how you learn as a parent,figuring out what works for you all as a family,and nobody has the right to interfere in that.from what i know of co-sleeping,children generally stop wanting to do it when they start nursery/infant school.(probably cos they are so tired they start sleeping 12 hours solid a night).

bf wasnt the done thing a generation ago.i bf ds1 for 5 weeks and i really struggled,and my mum didnt help by saying'why dont you just give him a bottle?'.

i think the knack of filtering out unwanted advice from parents/in-laws is one that develops with time.

We're co-sleeping with dd2 (10 mths) after not doing so for ds1 because I was scardy-cat-ed out of it. We're (well, me more than dh, tbh!!) loving it - the middle-of-the-night cuddles are the best!

Like others, I'd say try & rise above your MIL - if she raises the issue again, maybe you could make a joke of it 'hummm, I suspect he may stay in his own bed when he turns 18 or so' or something...

You are comfortable you're doing the right thing for you & your family - you can afford to be magnanimous! I woulnd't get dh to say anything (although good for him for offering) - realistically, I suspect nothing he can say will change her mind that what you are doing is 'wrong', and it'll just make it a bigger issue/make you seem ungrateful for what was (at first...) a lovely gesture.
Smile, nod, and accept any further gifts!

Thanks again for all your lovely posts. This thread has made me feel so much better.

WinkyWinkola, agree 100% with what you said. What you wrote is exactly our reasoning for co-sleeping. That and it works! I met my Chinese friend today. She said all babies in China sleep with their parents until they are older. When she had to leave her young Son in China to sort things out in the UK, he was looked after by an aunt and slept in her bed. That is normal there.

I just hate that MIL will never even try to understand where we are coming from. What we regard as a very positive thing that we are doing for DS is seen as some big problem to her and a fault in our parenting. Nothing is going to change so I should just let it go. At least I'm from a generation were more people feel more empowered to go against the norm with their parenting, I'm guessing co-sleeping would have been unthinkable when her children were small.

To answer the bed question, we are the proud owners of a super-king-size that we got from a fantasic factory seconds shop. It's a life saver as me and DP are very tall & none too slim!

Tigertum, I agree ignore mil's digs as much as you can. My mil was desperately anti bfeeding partly because she'd have like to have done so and wasn't supported in that. Consequently she was irrationally uncomfortable about it and just wanted me to stop. But over time she got used to it and was ok about it, it can take a long time for grandparents to calm down and stop being control freaks. My ds (5) still gets in with us in the morning - I'm still ambivalent - wish he didn't but love that he does!

Tigertum,

When your DS grows up to loving, confident, self assured little chap, then the proof of the pudding will be there for your MIL to see.

She's either just a bit worried or just wants things done her way. I guess those are the adjustments grandparents have to make but that's her problem - don't make it yours!

I think you're very happy with the way you're doing things. Not everyone will agree with you but one of the hardest things I found as a parent was being able to make my own decisions DESPITE what everyone else says.

It's not her business to agree with it or not agree with it. It is nothing to do with her.

I wish we had co-slept. I regret that we didn't and I'm really glad you do, as I think it's a wonderful thing. Btw, I am b/feeding a 2.2 year old, and some people think they need to have a view on this. They are wrong. It's up to me and ds and that's all there is to it!!! Can you see where I am on this one?

In answer to your question in your OP, I would take him up on the offer but then again, remember that you are dealing with someone who used to tie DP's door shut with a skipping rope, so the best you can hope for is that she keeps quiet.
Frankly, I think that sometimes people are threatened when they can see you going the extra mile for your children in a way that they didn't (or don't). But that's a whole other thread!!!

Please keep doing whatever is best for you all

tigerstum - that is exactly the way we do things with ours. Not DS#1 because we were too bothered by what we were 'supposed to do' but DD and DS#2. And they get there in their own time. DS#2 who is now nearly 4 goes to sleep in ours and is put back in his when DH comes to bed. He sometimes makes his way back in with us in the wee small hours but not often these days. No big deal.

I don't know why the older generation get so upset about co-sleeping and extended bfing (btw I am still bfing DS#2 - very little and only at night as he's bringing things to a halt himself) - but both my mil and mum have a lot to say on the matter. I have some friends who don't like it but they don't feel the need to rant at me about it. Please ignore her and use the bed.