This is really chilling, I think

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Namechanged for this, as potentially too identifiable to FOO stalkers.

I am NC with FOO, for a variety of reasons, none of which I particularly want to rehash here. Occasionally I lurk on a FB forum for parents of estranged adult children, because I find it morbidly fascinating and actually quite validating to observe just HOW bonkers the mindset is.

Today I found this post on there, which sent shivers down my back because it is SO similar to the kind of thing my NMother has sent to me:

The last time I wrote my daughter...a few years ago, I stated the following: "When a person is charged with a crime, the accused is presented with a list of grievances. As your mother, I feel I am entitled to no less a list of grievances in support of your claims of hatred towards me." I've never received a reply, because she has none. We as parents shouldn't accept responsibility for our adult children's short-sightedness and bad behavior.

As ever, it's much easier to see the crazy when it's not your own personal situation being hashed out, but OMG at the demand that the adult child justifies her emotions with a bullet-pointed list of grievances before there can be any question of her being permitted to feel her own feelings. And these people wonder why they are estranged. You'd think round about the time you wrote about your entitlement to a list of grievances to support your child's claims of hatred towards you, you might get a glimmer of realisation about why your adult dc didn't want to be around you. But apparently not.

prob get deleted, but latest from GN, we go NC because we have "fragile self esteem"

We just can't take a joke and brush it off eh guys?

It really shows how insightful that blog is. We've read them and they've read us… and they've skimmed past all the real and valid reasons for NC on here and boiled it down to some people being over-sensitive.

Sorry that was bitchy and deserves to be removed ... I might report that.

Actually some of the people on GN are now standing up to the identifying details which I am so relieved about - seriously, thank you to whoever's looking at that.

There's also a new thread over there which shows a little more compassion to AC of abusive parents. #notallgransnetters

Funny how I had got to age 42, held down a professional job, have lovely relationships with friends and family and a great marriage yet no one has ever once described me as "over sensitive". Until I met mil....

It is terrible that I was relieved to see the abusive mothers thread appear! Naturally, I'm not happy that anyone at all suffers the lifelong effects of awful parenting. But I was developing such a jaded view of that forum, I almost felt like crying with gratitude for the compassionate replies. #notallgransnetters thank god!

Oh god yes, pleased to see the support but not the thread itself; yet another victim and yet another horrible situation.

(Also I've reported my post above, that was really catty of me and I feel mean. Sorry if it gets anything else deleted too.)

Hah, that comment deserved propagation around the internet for the extraordinary torturing of biology to 'prove' a grandmother is the mother of her grandson!

It's becoming more unhinged. The latest claim is that here's an epidemic of parents being cut off by their adult children for no reason. Well, for no justifiable reason, and I'm ready to stake a few bob that unpacking "justifiable" will mean "that the person who has been cut off accepts as justifiable" rather than "that an external observer possessed of the facts would see as justifiable".

Epidemic? Hmm. Should someone alert the NHS?

I think once a particular thread reaches a tipping point of bonkersness, the more moderate posters throw in the towel and leave the nutters to it. Which is what seems to have happened there. The early posts on the thread were mainly very calm and moderate, but it's become increasingly unhinged.

Which again illustrates my original point: there's only so many times a person who is trying to be rational and reasonable can keep saying the same thing, before just giving up and walking away. Whereas it appears there is no limit to the number of times self-absorbed people who have list touch with reality can keep repeating the same delusional reasoning.

Which again illustrates my original point: there's only so many times a person who is trying to be rational and reasonable can keep saying the same thing, before just giving up and walking away. Whereas it appears there is no limit to the number of times self-absorbed people who have list touch with reality can keep repeating the same delusional reasoning

Ha ha, yes! Some of those posters really are proving themselves to be the perfect embodiment of what this thread is all about, the delusional nature of narc type parents and the fact that it's like hitting your head against a brick wall so you just give up and walk away.

Notanan is doing a valiant job, but it's like flogging a dead horse. Apparently everyone is foul mouthed here.
I have a different slant on it though. How about when you try to reconcile with a parent who tells you that your name has never been mentioned?
This happened to me. I never killed anyone, I kept her included in the family but I now believe she was just cold. She did not want to know her grandchildren at all, and she died alone.
I read that thread before all this, and at times I wished my parents had felt so strongly about me and my children that they would try everything to be in touch. I still have to get up early when the thoughts about them are in my head. They have been dead for years.
I have a good family and I would be uncomfortable with sympathy, but I can't help but feel a little sympathy for them.

It's hrd Amanddon, I talk about being NC with my mother, but in many ways it was her who cut me off. She was awful, I didn't want to talk to her, she raged at me, which made me want to talk to her even less so she emigrated without telling me. There have been some guilt trippy e mails since but never an apology. Haven't heard a peep since February.

hmm.. yes GoodtobeBetter. I think in many ways my mother cut me off even though I'm the one who made it NC. She cut me off from consistant love even if she was in the same room as me. She cut me off by being cold in my childhood. She cut my DD2 off by ignoring her whilst lavishing praise on DD1, She did a lifetime of cutting off… all while being in our physical presence.

I just made it official really.
But I'm the bad guy of course.

Screenshotting, you are not, but it is so hard to think that way. Learned behaviour x.

Some people are born with differently-wired brains, which don't do emotions in the usual way. Some of these are psychopaths (it's the defining feature). Not all psychopaths are monsters; the vast majority live peaceably among us, taking care not to 'do harm' but still lacking emotional functions.

Some others have an uncommon ability to completely turn their emotions off, and even to turn off some of them while leaving others intact. Most of us have to get support to 'detach' from redundant emotional situations. People with this type of neurology can do it instantly, like shutting a valve.

Then there's a lot of humans with normal brain wiring, who use withdrawal of love as a control tool. We all did it as children, sending each other to coventry for a while. We inflict it formally as a punishment, with solitary confinement. And an awful lot of grown-ups never grow out of "not speaking" as a punishment/inducement. Those who've been sent to coventry are supposed to plead in a certain way for a certain time, after which communication will be graciously resumed.

Some of those NC GPs remind me of the "not speakers". I wouldn't be surprised if this is their go-to control tool, and they can't quite understand why a bit of pleading hasn't brought them out of coventry.

Maybe the adult children finally had enough of the not speaking & resumption routine, and didn't bother 'making amends' one last time? I dunno. It's reminded me of some families I used to know, that's all.

Well ... It probably doesn't help that there are only a few small numbers of posters overall on there. That means they have fewer people able to call out general nonsense than on MN of any kind, not just this stuff.

I mean, for context there's another thread talking about "a new breed of women" where "young mums" today ditch their men and treat them like shit because of social media.

There are a few attempts to be almost reasonable, but it's mostly fairly unpleasant and unnuanced. On MN that discussion would be umpteen pages in and there'd be extensive analysis from all angles (and quarrels and deletions no doubt). As it is they're quite safe in the GN bubble and they say as much. So it's probably one of those things - and maybe the reason there isn't an equivalent long-running thread over here.

I'm glad the admins seem to be paying a bit more attention at least.

She did a lifetime of cutting off… I just made it official really.

That's the story, isn't it. One way or another.

Merd - every so often I visit lots of threads on Gransnet, to see if anything grabs me. It's my age group; I ought to feel at home there. But I keep landing on things like that "Young mums today, What's Wrong with 'em?" ... and, er, coming back here

Yes I agree with the position that they tend to cut contact first just in more subtle (and more damaging IMO) ways

I suspect you're very welcome here garlic

I thank you, Bacon.

And now reinforcements being requested on gn against notanan

Goodtobetter, the thread moved so fast that I did not see your post, but I understand how you must feel. It is hard to live with, but her behaviour towards you was wrong, and not your fault. You are the child and she should have been nicer to you.

I saw that 'Young mums' thread on GN, when I went to have a nosy as a result of this thread.

I was horrified by the attitudes of the posters there - I realise that MN is a uniquely pro-women space on the internet, and I sometimes forget the more mainstream attitudes to women out there. I have to back away from Twitter frequently for the same reason.

The only other thread I saw from there was a massive victim-blaming thread about rape. I think that got deleted. But honestly