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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Seeking women advice on what just happened to my relationship!?

62 replies

Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 16:36

Hi folks,

Okay so I am a guy on Mumsnet seeking advice from a female perspective on what on earth has just happened to the relationship I was having with an amazing lady...

So for context...6 weeks ago I met the most fun and dynamic lady I have ever known. She is a major ex party girl but who now has 2 kids and the normal responsibilities of every day life. Even with all this she is easily the most attractive, positive and engaging woman I have ever met. Anyway, we met online and we hit it off big time. When we met it person it only continued and over the next 5 weeks we saw each other and communicated non-stop. To my mind it all went quite deep quite quickly but we both have other commitments so tried to keep it at the right level, recognising we both have busy lives involves kids. Anyway, her sexting and pictures she sent me daily were like, well, quite over the top I thought considering we are both in early 40s and its something the kids in their 20s do. Granted, we both have a habit of working out a lot so her pictures were very easy on the eye to say the least! Anyway, her messages made it clear she was up for a relationship and we were talking about plans for seeing each other months ahead from now.

And then after staying over at her house for the first time and having an amazing weekend away together 10 days ago she did a complete U turn. In the space of 4 days she became distant and very little communication. Yesterday I then got the "I'm not sure what I want and need space" line. Well by my age and experience every guy knows what that means - Its polite for Cheerio. Now I never pressured her at all, I never asked her to do anything rash or crazy, I know we were attracted to each other even last time we met.... so to my mind I am at a complete loss what on earth has just happened? Now I know she has her kids and a nasty separated husband floating around in the background but really!? After coming on so strong for weeks and weeks and then giving me the I need space line? If anything she came on stronger than me...did she frighten herself away?!?! I did meet her online so is she just a complete player?

As I say we were only together 6 weeks, all of which were amazing, but it was so short I am sure I will survive being naturally secure in myself. However, I really liked this lady and am completely confused what on earth has just happened? Any ladies got any insights or thoughts I would love to hear them :D

Thanks for reading
Freddie

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 11/05/2016 17:56

Maybe it was too much too soon or maybe she doesn't think you're sexually compatible. Either way, don't blame yourself. These things happen.

Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 17:58

MusicIsMedicine, I considered that something went wrong at her place but I actually left there on really good terms so not sure what that would have been?

I could just ask as outright as MiddleClassProblem suggests. However, I have already done the light and breezy message suggested but BatSegundo with little response. Best left now I think.

The weekend we spent together we were out in Brighton, so had drinks, food, walked about, weather was nice, talked loads, laughed even more. Fairly normal I guess?

Merville - like it, very funny. Not sure I am saying she used me for sex because I got plenty out of it ;D But you maybe right...not quite such an ex party girl

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 11/05/2016 18:02

Do you have a small penis?

Lol. Just kidding.

Yes, definitely something at her house.

Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 18:03

WalterMitty - yes the online thing is a complete minefield...

But as you say...I did spend a number of weekends with a super exciting and attractive woman and yes it was awesome. Nothing to feel upset about and a few more lessons to take onboard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 18:05

Music, that is hillair. Shall I send a screen shot and we can all take a vote? lmao

That is interesting you think it was something at her house...maybe the collision of the fantasy escape with me and her reality...it was nothing else because it all went very well without being graphic!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 18:08

Neil15 - sounds reasonable but to be honest the indifference to "light and breezy" text tells me any more communication is not that welcome. Men, myself included, generally have the intuition of a rock and need to be hit around the head to see the obvious...but I'm confident she doesn't want any more comms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 18:12

Thanks LaughAMinute. I'm kind of in the same place as you..my best guess is that she set out with one intent, a relationship, then got scared at the speed it ramped up (by her doing!!) and then ran away.

Yeah I don't blame myself and you are right - these things happen so time to move on down the road.

OP posts:
merville · 11/05/2016 18:15

Ah, so the cliche's about blokes is true; "I've been used for sex Shock " ... I've been used for sex Grin".

Anyway, honestly think she's done you a favour ... is she really relationship material (?!) She might've proven a bit of a nightmare in the longer run.

Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 18:21

Merville....yes but as nightmares go she was a sassy one! Grin

Joking aside, I think you are right. Not relationship material and not sure she was honest about either her intent or how it changed. Best ended when it did.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 11/05/2016 18:27

If she likes you and the sex was good you might hear from her again. She might just want to keep you at arms length particularly if she's got a lot of shit going down. This happens a lot.

MusicIsMedicine · 11/05/2016 18:31

Ha Freddie, you had to expect a bit of pisstaking here :-)

Ok, no in all seriousness, I think it's something that she saw or experienced whilst you were in her 'space.'

Yes, sure she'd be civil until you left and then she'd mull it over, talk to friends, etc.

I say this because I once had something similar to what you describe, i.e. it was going well at six odd weeks in, but the first time he stayed at my house, I saw a very different side to him. I also had some issues of my own which made it weird having a new bloke there.

I was of course polite and civil until he left, but I had sort of written off any future in it during his stay.

I'm convinced this is what's happened here.

HooseRice · 11/05/2016 18:36

Music may have a point. It's a fairly common dumping after first shag reason. That and not being compatible between the sheets.

Original poster
Freddie2010 · 11/05/2016 20:15

Okay so lets wrap this one up. Here are my tops bets on what happened:

(1) Lady in question set off to have a relationship but it was too much too quick and has either changed her mind or is now unsure 5:2
(2) Lady in question was giving it time but has now decided we are not compatible for some reason unknown 3:1
(3) Something happened at her place she didn't like. Not my take on events but hey it was a popular thought 6:1
(4) Lady in question is a total player and only ever had one intent and/or has someone else lined up. Doubt this given her nature but possible 50:1
(5) Lady in question is genuinely busy and/or keeping me at arms length to let it cool down and will get in touch again. Final message is not P* off or Goodbye so just maybe she is leaving her options open. Then again she might just be rude! 500:1

Thanks everyone for your input. The major lessons for me is that I need to take it slower next time. Also need to be careful about that first visit - its seems the intrusion into her space is a risky deal.

Well, I wish her well but I'm moving on now. Thanks everyone on her and take care! xx

OP posts:
HooseRice · 11/05/2016 20:29

Small penis 1/2 GrinGrin

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 20:32
Grin
springydaffs · 11/05/2016 20:42

So if A woman posts on here after being mashed up by a player it's different to a man experiencing the same. All he gets are jokes and questions about the size of his knob.

Alrighty then.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 20:45

Why would someone graft for 6 weeks for a one night stand, regardless of gender? If they're a player they just enjoy the chase perhaps or there was something that didn't work in the bedroom.

springydaffs · 11/05/2016 20:49

So if a woman posts to say she met someone online and he was totally into her and they were besotted for 6 weeks, full on... It's probably her fault it ended so suddenly because she may have been lacking in the bedroom.

Yeah I guess that would cheer her up.

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 11/05/2016 20:51

I think you should cancel the cheque.

eddielizzard · 11/05/2016 20:55

i think when you spent all that time together she realised you weren't compatible. could be something as skids in loo or too much chatter. who knows?

eddielizzard · 11/05/2016 20:55

something as innocuous as skids... i meant to say.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 20:57

Something not working in the bedroom doesn't mean it was her fault. People like different things.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 21:04

You complain it's not fair, you complain when it is

ALaughAMinute · 11/05/2016 21:06

To suggest the OP has a small penis is rude and unhelpful.

If a woman had posted this thread would you suggest that she has a baggy vagina? Confused

MiddleClassProblem · 11/05/2016 21:13

I'll leave that one for the people who said he had a small penis but yes I chuckled at baggy vagina because I have a juvenile sense of humour (like many hence shows like The Inbetweeners being a hit)

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