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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a miniskirt in the washing last week, it's not mine.

76 replies

wornoutwoman · 10/05/2016 22:49

It belongs to the person DH is sleeping with for the three days of the week that he doesn't come home. For the last 5 yrs I've had my suspicions this has been happening & I've been through every emotion I can name trying to find a way of coping with this. I thought I had come to terms with it all, that I could live with it & bring the kids up in blissful ignorance, but this has really thrown me and I don't know what to do. DH has admitted guilt but wants to stay married. He blames it on mismatched sex drives, but he never broached the subject when it became a problem for him (whilst I was knee deep in raising toddlers & working).

I'm totally alone with this, there's no one I can have a sensible discussion with as to where to go from here. We haven't been able to talk since this happened as the house has been full of family & now he's back in London (with her) for the week.

Is there anyone out there going through something similar? If we don't split up I feel I should have a 12yr coping plan (the point at which DS2 might go to uni/college/leave home) to work with and at the end of that we go our different ways. However, I am human & in spite of what DH might think I have some sex drive so I'm hoping an open marriage is the way forward. I've been off the dating scene for 25yrs......where do I start? I just want to feel alive again, with a bit of fun, no strings attached but it's a minefield out there and I'm scared...... Help anyone?

OP posts:
NanaNina · 11/05/2016 01:08

Are you finding the posts helpful OP? I can't understand why there is this issue about the mini skirt - what the hell does it matter. No-one has commented on your idea of an "open marriage" and I'm not surprised - you'll only get MNetters expressing deep indignation on your (D)H's behaviour. I'm not condoning it (that's what I'm usually accused of) but it's really your decision on how you manage this situation.

Are there any advantages to the open marriage idea?

Iknownuffink · 11/05/2016 01:32

P'raps the skirt belongs to your OH.

Weeteeny · 11/05/2016 01:41

I talk from similar experience .

My situation is slightly different as he refused to admit it , telling me he was so happy he loved me etc . Eventually I stopped demanding to know where he was , as his nights away from home steadily increased . It was futile to accuse him as he would never ever admit it and I could never actually prove it. I just knew. It got to the stage he was "working away" up to 3 or 4 nights a week.

When he was home he acted like a real family man and projecting an image to all and sundry of what a great guy he was . I lived a lie for 6 years. He thought he had it made, a wife at home to look after the family, and a bit on the side for six years . The most soul destroying 6 years for me.

Your DH wants to have his cake and eat it too, plain and simple. How dare he treat you like this . Trust me he knows how this hurts you, yet he does not care about you enough to stop.

Do not do what I did . Please leave this man now. The best thing I did was tell one person , I too thought I had no one but all it took was telling one person . i will never forget the stunned reaction this one person had, and yet for six years I had normalised everything.

You deserve so much better than this ,you really do.

I will never forget the countless nights sitting alone at night, the children in bed, feeling utterly alone and bereft as I knew He was with someone else . It makes me so sad to think of you potentially doing the same . It's no life , living a lie. No life for you or your children.

Please tell somebody , and take it from there. I knew when I told one person , just one person close to me I could not go back. I don't deny it was hard , very very hard to get the words out. But when I did ....my god that was it .

Apologies for the long post . I just want to tell you from experience how you cannot live like this , it will destroy you .

I am happy now, very happy with a man that truly loves me and demonstrates that with respect and care and love every day for me and my DC. You deserve a better life too, you really really do .

Weeteeny · 11/05/2016 01:46

Oh and my DH wanted to stay married too, he was very put out when he received a letter from my solicitor requesting a legal separation. I did not once back down yet he was so convinced he could talk me round as he believed I was so conditioned he spent 4.5 months trying to talk me out of it .

Of course your DH wants to stay married he has it made doesn't he?

Choccybadger · 11/05/2016 02:02

Leave him love. That's what my mum, sisters and best friend would tell me and I usually listen to them.

You have so much life left - spend it being happy. I didn't my 'one' til I was 32 and he 40 but every night after whatever day we've had, good or crap, we still tell each other how glad wear to have found what we have.
It's not easy, both of us have baggage and a blended family but if you are happier your family will be. I can't stress that enough.
Come on girl, give yourself some love and think what you would tell your best mate if she told you all of your story, including the mismatched part. She'd probably say leave the cheeky bastard.

Choccybadger · 11/05/2016 02:02

** didn't find my one - sorry

LellyMcKelly · 11/05/2016 02:57

How old will you be in 12 years? Do you really want to put your life on hold for that long? You could be missing out on so much happiness. Don't settle for a half life, and don't stay with someone who thinks its ok to treat you badly.

tomatoplantproject · 11/05/2016 07:21

Please leave him. The relief of not having to dance to his tune will be immense.

You want to live this life for 12 years?

Imagine you only have 12 years left to live - what would you like to do, achieve, feel? Are you going to do that living this life or do you need to forge your own path?

In those 12 years you can get through the break up and survive and then thrive, rather than waiting it out and living in the shadows.

Imbroglio · 11/05/2016 07:39

I can see an open marriage might work in some situations but this doesn't sound like the right circumstances. The op has already said it would be a coping strategy until she could leave. Not a lifestyle choice she would make for herself. And what happens if she meets someone she really loves? Will the 12 year rule apply then?

Zaurak · 11/05/2016 07:41

Well he's got it made hasn't he? Nice house, nice wife to do the housework and raise the kids and a bit on the side. Bet he's laughing - no divorce costs!

Look, open marriage only works when BOTH parties want it. Divorce him. Let him feel the consequences of his actions. Let him have his little shag fests interrupted by having the kids every other weekend.

Do t be a doormat!

Mrsnippycat · 11/05/2016 10:49

DH has admitted guilt but wants to stay married

So? He doesn't get to choose here.

Kick him out for good, tell everyone exactly why, then get yourself out there and meet someone worthy of you. You sound lovely OP, you deserve way better than this - now and for the next 12 years Flowers

Fragglewump · 11/05/2016 10:55

You are worth so much more than this. Tell him not to bother coming 'home'. It will feel shit but nothing could be worse than the total contempt he has been treating you with. You new life starts today. It will be way better than it was yesterday. Trust me - you might not believe it right now but do it.

LilyandGinger · 11/05/2016 10:56

There is no way that skirt 'accidentally' made it's way into his case. The ow put it there to force a resolution.

What if she 'accidentally' gets pregnant OP? What would you position be then?

beckythemasterbaker · 11/05/2016 11:17

I agree that the mini skirt is not an accident. One of them did put it there. Op you hold the cards, not them.

mummytime · 11/05/2016 11:33

If you kick him out now you will probably get to keep the house, as you will get your percentage + a percentage to house the children.
If you leave it 12 years until they have left home, you will get a smaller %.
In 12 years your children may well be angry with both of you, and you will have lost their respect. At some point they will come to suspect or maybe even "find out" about what Daddy does all week. This will affect not only how they think of the two of you, but also how they feel about relationships in general.
If by some miracle any of them haven't cottoned on - they will be deeply shocked, and start to see everything from their childhood as a lie.

An "open marriage" starts from a place of honesty and discussion, this is nt where your marriage is.

Him blaming your sex drive is part of the "Script" that cheating spouses use. Recognise it for that, not a special circumstance - or even the truth.

Fragglewump · 11/05/2016 11:53

My ex used to say I was frigid - ha - all part of the abuse. I'm not but even if I was it would have been cruel and counter productive! I agree that you need to get out if only for your kids. My parents stayed together for the 'sake of the kids' but it was awful - they spilt when we left for college and it destroyed my mental health - my whole childhood felt like a septic lie. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was which obviously had a major impact on my life. Imagine yourself op - wasting 12 years - being treated like a nothing or moving on, building a new life and showing your children what respect looks like and even better what a happy, sexually fulfilled woman with her self esteem in tact looks like.

Jan45 · 11/05/2016 11:59

Unbelievable, what would you be telling your own daughter about normal healthy relationships because what you are modelling is toxic and damaging for everyone around you. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you so badly, you do have choices - you are not on a desert island with the only man on earth, there are good men out there who wouldn't dream of doing this to their partner, he is supposed to love you, he's treating you appallingly and you are allowing it, he will probably leave you once he finds someone he feels he can have a proper relationship with, he's just trying on a few until that day, imagine how you will feel then because it will come.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2016 12:09

Read mummytime post and then read it again.

In 12 years when the kids have flown the nest you will get much less from the marriage pot if you divorce

Do it now, for God's sake and rinse the fucker for as much as you can

Jesus, he has you well trained Confused

Hissy · 11/05/2016 16:30

I suspect there are fingers in ears and a lot of la la la-ing.

LizzieMacQueen · 11/05/2016 16:51

Get yourself a dating profile (don't know which one you're suited to but there will be one) and watch and wait for the replies. It may give you the confidence you need to leave your husband.

TheHobbitMum · 11/05/2016 17:12

You don't need to settle for an open marriage OP, Leave him!

georgiatraher · 11/05/2016 17:15

I'm so glad that my parents divorced. (I was 9/10 my sister was 13 ish)

They are so much happier with their partners now. It was hard at the time, but staying together for the kids is not worth it if you're unhappy. (my parents fought SO MUCH through my childhood)

whatevva · 11/05/2016 17:26

I don't know if this is a mid-life crisis script thing, but I have a friend whose husband offered an open marriage when caught ie, she stayed married to him, ran his business and did his laundry, whilst he shagged lots of women. She had to divorce him whilst they still had some money left to pay for the roof over their children's heads. He was out buying a sports car and taking women out for dinner, with bouquets of flowers - something he had never done with her in 26 years.

FWIW, I know several people that something like this happened to. There is life beyond the long-term marriage that has broken down. They are all doing well, the children have grown up and they have jobs and are not short of partners. I would be scared stiff of having to do this; it really is a hard decision. But if I was faced with doing the laundry for someone who was off shagging during the week (not to mention the girlfriends skirts!) for the next 12 years, I would take the plunge now. It is the best option.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/05/2016 17:35

I don't see men having such low self esteem Sad.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2016 00:20

I think serving him with divorce papers would be a wake up call. it's insane to wait for 12 years before getting out of it.

If YOU REALLY want an open marriage, then go ahead and let him know you have a FWB or are getting one.

He is with another woman and could be passing on STDs to you.

He wants to stay married, to avoid paying child support and spousal support to you. he enjoys having a wife and a girlfriend and as log as you take no action, it will continue.

He could have a little family with her and you'd have no idea. Please don't bury your head in the sand and stand up for yourself.

Many lawyers will do a free consultation. Make an appointment and at least you'll know how things would look in a divorce. Even if you don't intend to divorce right now, you need to know your position. It also would not hurt, for your husband to become aware that you have seen an a lawyer.