Found a miniskirt in the washing last week, it's not mine.

[wornoutwoman]

It belongs to the person DH is sleeping with for the three days of the week that he doesn't come home. For the last 5 yrs I've had my suspicions this has been happening & I've been through every emotion I can name trying to find a way of coping with this. I thought I had come to terms with it all, that I could live with it & bring the kids up in blissful ignorance, but this has really thrown me and I don't know what to do. DH has admitted guilt but wants to stay married. He blames it on mismatched sex drives, but he never broached the subject when it became a problem for him (whilst I was knee deep in raising toddlers & working).

I'm totally alone with this, there's no one I can have a sensible discussion with as to where to go from here. We haven't been able to talk since this happened as the house has been full of family & now he's back in London (with her) for the week.

Is there anyone out there going through something similar? If we don't split up I feel I should have a 12yr coping plan (the point at which DS2 might go to uni/college/leave home) to work with and at the end of that we go our different ways. However, I am human & in spite of what DH might think I have some sex drive so I'm hoping an open marriage is the way forward. I've been off the dating scene for 25yrs......where do I start? I just want to feel alive again, with a bit of fun, no strings attached but it's a minefield out there and I'm scared...... Help anyone?

[BeckyMcDonald]

Why would you waste the next 12 years of your life on a man who doesn't love you. You only get one life OP. Just one. You need to live it to the full.

[Kinneddar]

Nc for this as no one in rl knows this.

Please DO NOT even consider this madness. Let him have his bit of fun during the week but make it clear he better find somewhere else to stay when he's not with her.

I put up with this crap from my ex. I had dreadful self esteem issues and got to thinking I should be grateful he was with me. We didn't live together but when he was at home and I wasn't there he saw other people.

At one point he had TEN other women on the go. I hated it but loved him and was pathetic enough to put up with it. I made myself sick thinking about it but stl pit up with it I even asked him to let me know when he was meeting one of them. That way I knew other times he was just at home or work and I could relax.

That's how low my self esteem was and how pathetic I was. Coincidentally I put up with it for 12 years. Even after we split up he still called the shots. I wouldn't embarrass myself further by describing some of the things I agreed to or agreed to take the blame for

Your H wants the same as my ex to have the best of both worlds. Please don't be the person I was and allow it. I hate what he turned me into. Clearly an open marriage isn't what you want so don't accept it. You're worth much more

[newworldnow]

So it got mixed up with his washing that you do for him?
Don't lift a finger from now on. Just you and the kids.

[tipsytrifle]

sorry, tired after work; didn't mean that you should be leaving, more that you might need to take bull by horns and get yourself legally enhanced with a view to him trying to get out of as much child/house bills as he can. Right now he is not your friend.

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Can you still buy mini skirts?

[goddessofsmallthings]

There's no need for a 12 year plan when it will take you less than 12 months to divorce the deceitful self-entitled fucker and be free to enjoy all the sex you want with whoever you want while he has the dc in his love nest every weekend and half of all school holidays.

[Offred]

As a teenager/young adult my BF cheated on me with at least 50 OW. I cheated with one guy for 6 months and he went batshit.

I doubt what is good for the goose will be considered good for the gander in your case either so to speak...

What he said about mismatched sex drives is either the bullshit he has convinced himself of to justify his behaviour and he cares more about him looking good than hurting you or he just has twatty beliefs and is not trustworthy or respectful at all.

[HarrietSchulenberg]

I know someone who has done what you describe. They appear the perfect couple, attend events and parties together and seem, on the very surface, to be the very epitome of a monied, stable, middle aged family unit.
But they are not.
He's been shagging a woman several years younger for nearly 10 years now. At "home" husband and wife have separate bedrooms and eat separately. I don't know what her life arrangements are but he has become increasingly open about his tatty ten year affair, although he has no intention of leaving wife as she provides the respectable veneer (and invitations to the right parties) that he wants.
I am involved with neither husband nor wife but I have known their kids since early primary school. They are much older now. They are very rich but very, very messed up.
Is that how you want your kids to be?

[GasLightShining]

Is this the type of open relationship where he can shag anyone he wants but god forbid if you were to meet anyone

It will be harder for the DC if you wait until they are older

You deserve better

[notapizzaeater]

Omg, pick your self respect up off the shelf and dust it down and belt him with it.

[OutToGetYou]

Just tell him to stay away, and send you half his pay (after the essential outgoings are covered) every month.
Then see a lawyer. Don't carry on like this, it will kill your spirit.

[Winterbiscuit]

LTB

[footballcrazy11]

You will have so many regrets when you are older if you don't get out now. Trust me I have and it also makes you feel bitter. Just call it a day

[GarlicShake]

I'm assuming he accidentally packed the skirt when he came home, not that he required OP to wash it.

Worn, this kind of thing can work out - but I don't think you're hard-nosed enough to pull it off. Moreover, I agree that it damages the children's expectations of relationships. Even if it's all hushed up, kids have fantastic intuition re their parents' relationships. You'd be likely to grow a son who doesn't know how to have a fully involved relationship, and a daughter who expects too little of her partner.

Why not just tell him to move in with the girlfriend?

Then see a lawyer, accountant, counsellor, whatever you need to help you decide how & when to formalise the split.

I'm sorry you've been living with this for five years. It isn't surprising you don't feel 'alive'. You must have been suppressing your feelings for so long.

[MattDillonsPants]

Prickin then you have little or no imagination and not only that but you are rude! This is relationships...people come for support...not to have people be rude to them.

[TeatimeForTheSoul]

Feeling for you OP.
If trying to 'deal with' or come to terms with the situation hasn't worked over the last 5 years what is going to change to make it work for you now?

[LilQueenie]

Change the locks, put his stuff in bin bags and chuck them out and try get a therapist to help you deal with this. You need support to deal with this otherwise you will waste your life being with him when clearly he doesn't care at all.

[Offred]

Huh? Mini skirts have not been around for 20 years?! What?

A mini skirt is just a skirt that is cut way above the knee. You can buy them in topshop and a good proportion of schoolgirls wear them everyday.

It is past midnight... Perhaps the op is asleep or maybe just upset.

Bit random those reasons for calling troll...

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

'Mini skirts haven't been around for 20 years'. What? Do you never leave your house?

A mini skirt can easily get scooped up with dirty washing.

OR

...it can be put there by a woman who is fed up of her lover saying he'll leave his wife & never doing it...

[rachelgrier]

I can't relate in any way to what you are going through personally but from reading your story i think you should let your husband go off with this other girl. It seems to me that you have suffered enough in silence over the years knowing this has been going on and it needs to stop. It's not going to be easy for you or the children but think about it the longer you keep this going the more hurt it's going to cause maybe it's better to cut your losses. At the end of the day you got to do what feels right to you.

I wish you all the best

[Bodear]

Ltb

[JustLostTheGame]

If it was me he would be choking on the fucking miniskirt

I am so sorry you are in this position OP.