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Original poster

Do you live separately from your partner?

36 replies

Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 13:57

We've been together for four years, lived together for two then decided to live separately this past year. Two houses away from each other! And it has been a great move for our relationship which has never been better. Both in our mid to late thirties and no children. We get quite a lot of raised eyebrows and some judgy comments especially from his side of the family who are very traditional. We're not too bothered about that most of the time though I do occasionally lose my cool and struggle to keep a sense of humour at long periods of time spent with the in laws. But other than that I don't see any good reason (unless we had children) not to carry on as we are indefinitely.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

OP posts:
ThinkPinkStink · 09/05/2016 14:19

I'm not in a similar situation - but I wholly support you in you in in yours!

As two real life adults - with your own lives plus a 'together-life' - you are utterly entitled to live as near to/far from each other as you please. Some people relish their own space, some people feel crowded and suffocated by the pressure of living with someone else (irrespective of how much they love that person).

It worked for decades for Tim Buton and Helena Bonham Carter (don't let their recent divorce put you off, they were together for 13 years which is a good old innings).

TheNaze73 · 09/05/2016 14:32

No but, hats off to you. Sounds like a brilliant arrangement. Where do I sign up??? Wink

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/05/2016 14:35

Take no notice of the "Raised eyebrow brigade" If it works for you. Then that's fine.
I've never lived with my DP. I've got no intentions of. I like my own way of doing things, too much. We only see each other a few times a week. It works,. It's not broke so why should we fix it. If we were together all the time. We'd probably end up throttling each other.
We've never had any comments or questions. I'd just tell them to MTOB though, or give them, "That look".

ButIbeingpoor · 09/05/2016 16:06

Katherine Hepburn famously gave advice for a good marriage:
Live close, visit often.

Usernamesarehard · 09/05/2016 16:08

I think you're living the dream, OP!

Shinyshoes2 · 09/05/2016 16:11

I know someone who's had kids , engaged and have never lived together
He still live with his parents and she's in a house with the child
17 years together .. They're doing something right

princessmi12 · 09/05/2016 16:14

works really well for introverts or if one partner is introverted and needs alone time

forumdonkey · 09/05/2016 16:17

That sounds like a perfect arrangement to me. I've lived alone and independently for nearly 9 yrs and I think I'd find it difficult to live with someone 24 /7. I have no desire to live with someone full time. Good on you

Feelingsad05 · 09/05/2016 16:22

The older I get, the more I realise that people don't need to conform. you do whatever works for you. if you are happy then why change it?!

I get raised eyebrows when I tell people that my parents have been divorced for almost 20 years, but they still spend time together, go for walks, out for dinner, and even stay at each others houses every now and again.

Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 16:33

Thank you for the replies, it's my first week or so on mn and was a bit nervous about posting!

Not living together certainly takes the pressure off the daily grind and we enjoy each other's company more now so it works.

My own family is used to my independence (career focused, financially supported myself since 18, enjoy holidays alone, that kind of thing) and support my choices but DP's family struggle to accept our way of life to the extent that DP feels compelled to keep his parents at arms length which is sad because they are elderly and his DM suffers from depression.

I'm certain they don't mean to be judgemental, at heart they are decent and well meaning. But there have been several conversations between DP and his parents where they've expressed upset that I'm 'influencing' him and asked whether he's sure about decisions or just following my lead against his better judgment.

On our very first meeting, FIL said to me that I wouldn't have any trouble manipulating DP which I thought was an odd thing to say and it stuck in my mind. Now it annoys me because DP is his own person and strong minded, it's one of the many things I love, like and respect about him.

So really, I'm looking for advice about handling the strained relationship between DP, his family and me. It has got to the point where DP has made it clear that if push comes to shove and they force him to choose he would stop communication with his family. I'm upset for DP as its a horrible position to be in but at the same time would feel relieved if I never had to deal with them again.

Am I being horribly selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 16:34

daily grind Blush obviously didn't mean THAT! Grin

OP posts:
ElllieB1 · 09/05/2016 16:35

Sounds great!

princessmi12 · 09/05/2016 16:39

No your not being selfish.Your DP is a grown man and he should be making his own choices,not his family.

emma181 · 09/05/2016 16:53

I personally wouldn't want to live anywhere but with my partner, but if living apart strengthens your relationship and works for both of you then you should continue to do it. He needs to make it clear to his family that this is the way your living and will continue to live with or without their consent, they can either accept and respect his life style, or be good enough not to mention it.

Your not being selfish, if he's made the decision to possibly stop contact with them it's his decision, but I would urge him not to, family relationships are important and if can be repaired they should.

Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 19:21

thenaze haha, I'll put it forward as a suggestion for mn corner! Smile

lighthouse that's really interesting. Do you have dc's?

feeling hello! I just posted on your thread... fwiw, I do strongly believe in gut feelings. But I'm also quite slow to make irreparable moves which is what I was trying to say.

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Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 19:22

family relationships are important and if can be repaired they should

Agree absolutely

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 19:25

thinkpink thank you Flowers

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Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/05/2016 19:48

I have 1 dd., and we're TTC.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/05/2016 19:49

I think we'll be like Shiny shoes friends.

Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 20:30

Sounds good to me Smile

forumdonkey same here. No desire to live with anyone ever again. Other than dcs if we have any

OP posts:
Original poster
Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 20:38

princess yes, that's true. Both dp and I are on the introverted side, dp more so than me.
No problem making choices and once he's made a decision he's very clear. Just that it's very often met with resistance from his family which is quite wearing.

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tipsytrifle · 09/05/2016 23:27

I would never consider co-habiting again, not under any banner, never no more. I was castigated as a child at maybe under 11yrs old as saying that my choice would be to live alone. Took a life and a world of pain to get there. If someone can do this as a valid choice that deviates from "the norm" then i applaud them.

tipsytrifle · 09/05/2016 23:30

have reported my post - don't think it's right - apologies

UmbongoUnchained · 09/05/2016 23:34

I got back together with my husband just after Christmas and we're not living together yet as he hasn't met my daughter. But tbh I quite enjoy it and I'm no rush. I quite like him sneaking round at night, feels a bit naughty!

Original poster
Goingthedistance · 10/05/2016 00:05

That's considerate of you tripsy thank you but please be assured that no harm done.
I won't pry but if you'd like to share more you're more than welcome to.

OP posts: