We live abroad, 7.5 hour flight from dh's parents. They are coming to visit again to see our 6 month old ds. They will be staying in a nearby hotel. They have been out once just after he was born. Spending time with them is awkward, strained, painful, sit in silence at dinner etc. dh says they've always been like that and is not just me but I wonder...
Last time they were here, 3 weeks after I'd given birth to their first gc, they totally blanked me and ds while dh page the car. I said morning loudly to them and waked towards them with massive pram and newborn ds inside and they both blanked me and just stared at our car. Across the car park which dh was parking.
Mil makes frequent little comments to me such as:
Slagging off Carole vorderman saying how much she hates her. Couple of hours later I teased dh about something and mil says "oh, who're you? Carole vorderman?"
Sitting at il dining table eating breakfast ,minding my own business when il cat bites me on the foot. I jump and reach down to my foot saying" Ow il cat just bit me". Complete silence then mil says "well cats are a good judge of character"
Eating dinner in silence as usual and completely out of the blue mil says "I remember when mrember was allergic to girls with long hair". Many more little remarks which all add up.
Mil upon seeing an Indian wedding " I expect we're the wrong colour to go to that wedding". My sil is indian and my nephews are mixed race.
Fil first thing he said to me when he first saw me and we picked them up, 3 weeks after son was born "oh, I didn't expect you would be here, ember".
It's all in the tone of how it's said, none of these things are said in a jovial, jokey manner. The last straw for me was when they refused to take my dads suit back to Lahr with them as a favour. My mum was going to meet them at the gate and take it off them but they refused. Fil said "we've got our own bags to carry, ember"
Me and dh had a huge row about them, this was in jan 2014. I threw him out he stayed in a Novotel in town. I know I have a dh problem as he won't stand up for me and let's them say and do these things.
The last horrendous thing is fil sent my dh a birthday letter along with a bit of paper with a poem on it which he had read at his own mothers funeral. No idea why he sent this to dh for his birthday but dh's parents do and say many inexplicable things. When I turned the piece of paper over, fil had written on it:
the title of the poem
As read by (fil)
At the funeral of (my son's full name)
I got such a shock seeing that written down with my son's name, my whole stomach flipped and I gasped, I felt sick and shouted oh god whys he written that. Dh snatched he paper from me saying, written what? Dh's face fell when he saw it and he said well ds obviously written that by mistake...but why? Dh won't speak o his dad about it.
I feel sick at the thought of having to spend time with these people but they are dh's parents. I can't live he rest of our lives with this anger, anxiety and sadness every time we have to see them. What can I do? Dh refuses to speak to them in case he upsets them but doesn't mind them upsetting me 