Dreading il visit

[EmberElftree]

We live abroad, 7.5 hour flight from dh's parents. They are coming to visit again to see our 6 month old ds. They will be staying in a nearby hotel. They have been out once just after he was born. Spending time with them is awkward, strained, painful, sit in silence at dinner etc. dh says they've always been like that and is not just me but I wonder...

Last time they were here, 3 weeks after I'd given birth to their first gc, they totally blanked me and ds while dh page the car. I said morning loudly to them and waked towards them with massive pram and newborn ds inside and they both blanked me and just stared at our car. Across the car park which dh was parking.

Mil makes frequent little comments to me such as:

Slagging off Carole vorderman saying how much she hates her. Couple of hours later I teased dh about something and mil says "oh, who're you? Carole vorderman?"

Sitting at il dining table eating breakfast ,minding my own business when il cat bites me on the foot. I jump and reach down to my foot saying" Ow il cat just bit me". Complete silence then mil says "well cats are a good judge of character"

Eating dinner in silence as usual and completely out of the blue mil says "I remember when mrember was allergic to girls with long hair". Many more little remarks which all add up.

Mil upon seeing an Indian wedding " I expect we're the wrong colour to go to that wedding". My sil is indian and my nephews are mixed race.

Fil first thing he said to me when he first saw me and we picked them up, 3 weeks after son was born "oh, I didn't expect you would be here, ember".

It's all in the tone of how it's said, none of these things are said in a jovial, jokey manner. The last straw for me was when they refused to take my dads suit back to Lahr with them as a favour. My mum was going to meet them at the gate and take it off them but they refused. Fil said "we've got our own bags to carry, ember"

Me and dh had a huge row about them, this was in jan 2014. I threw him out he stayed in a Novotel in town. I know I have a dh problem as he won't stand up for me and let's them say and do these things.

The last horrendous thing is fil sent my dh a birthday letter along with a bit of paper with a poem on it which he had read at his own mothers funeral. No idea why he sent this to dh for his birthday but dh's parents do and say many inexplicable things. When I turned the piece of paper over, fil had written on it:

the title of the poem
As read by (fil)
At the funeral of (my son's full name)

I got such a shock seeing that written down with my son's name, my whole stomach flipped and I gasped, I felt sick and shouted oh god whys he written that. Dh snatched he paper from me saying, written what? Dh's face fell when he saw it and he said well ds obviously written that by mistake...but why? Dh won't speak o his dad about it.

I feel sick at the thought of having to spend time with these people but they are dh's parents. I can't live he rest of our lives with this anger, anxiety and sadness every time we have to see them. What can I do? Dh refuses to speak to them in case he upsets them but doesn't mind them upsetting me

My love, what they are doing to you has terrorised your h his entire life. They are toxic, through and through.

He can't stand up to them, he reverts to the small terrified little boy when they are near.

The only person who can stand up to them is you.

You are not infected with their poison.

The dh you know and love is only the dh you know and love because they are thousands of miles away.

Toxic inlaws. A great book. There's a toxic parents version too.

Ultimately tho, no contact with them unless on your terms.

Just been going over it all again with dh he has now gone to bed as he's up early in the morning with a 100km drive to work. He said if he had a revolver he would shoot himself. I said what just to get out of actually confronting your parents? He said yes! He said it's the worst possible scenario that his wife who he adores hates his parents. I said, not without reason, it's not like I dislike your mum's wallpaper or your dad watches football all day. I don't trust them with my son, I don't want them near my son and I don't want to have to see them myself. I can't understand their behaviour or why he defends it. Yes it's learned behaviour and he did it for 27 years before we got together but it's time for him (and me) to address it now.

Can you see how terrified he is of them? It's not his choice, he's not wimping out, they've conditioned him.

He needs to allow you to stand up for yourself and all he has to do is support you. That's a path less fraught.

If you list the things he knows they've said and done and ask him what he would advise his best friend in the same situation.

If also point out that it's not a matter of you hating his parents, it's a matter of you reacting to their behaviour and appalling treatment of you.

Do they do this to other people?

Yes gussy that's exactly what I said to him and have said many times. It's not a question of me hating or disliking them. I hate their behaviour and how they treat me and that he does nothing to address it while it's happening and how it impacts so catastrophically on our relationship (me and dh).

Yes they do. Dh said they've always behaved as they do he said I have had no impact on it. I asked why they sit in silence, I thought they were awkward in front of me but dh says this is just how they are. Mil mum did not get on with fil. Mil brother does not get on with fil. Mil and her mother did not have a great relationship. Tensions between mil and her brother over will of their mother. Fil does not get on with his nephews or great nephews or their mother (wife of fil oldest nephew). Their best friends, a couple, wrote them a letter a few years ago to tell them they no longer wanted any contact with them because of their behaviour. Fil said when we last saw him in nov 2015 that he was still baffled by their friends saying this and that he would still want to see the man of the couple. I've said to dh that I think they must have no idea how they affect others with their words and actions to still be mystified by people saying they don't want contact.

Gussy?! Hissy sorry

😂

So they can't have a relationship with anyone? Their friends dumped them by letter? Wow. Ouch.

But STILL they don't get it.

You don't have to put up with them if nobody else will.

It's not you, it really is them.

You have no choice but to take this on yourself. And brook no argument. Ask them to leave, call them a cab and tell them not to come back.

Explain the facts of life to them if you must. They are so spectacularly self absorbed that they didn't even get it when it was set out in black and white.

You literally have nothing to lose, if they flounce off and never want to see you again? Job done!

I know I feel all of that hissy but I love my husband truly, I feel for him. I know he's had it tough with them, not a devastating childhood but his comments such as my mum is quite a cold person, I can't remember my mum cuddling me when I was little etc. he is such an affectionate man he craves affection back and seeks praise for everything he does, clearly as he didn't have it/enough of it as a child. I really love my husband I just want him to address this. I think it will help him a lot in all the other areas of his life too by finally stepping up to it. I admire my dh for many things but his crumbling in front of his parents has to stop.

Just thinking why don't i ever challenge these things either? Mostly I'm gobsmacked they've said them and i'm processing the comment then it's lost and I am tense to exploding inside yet I still say nothing. For example last time they were here in our house, 3 weeks after our ds was born one of our cats walked across the keyboard and the screensaver appeared. It was a photo of my bump, not my face or me at all just the bump and dh exclaimed happily gesturing to the mac and to our newborn son, oh look hard to believe that was him inside. Fil said nothing mil said well we've all seen one of them before. Dh said nothing, I said nothing. Dh looked deflated. I was enraged thinking she shot dh down and dismissed our ds and I took her comment as embers not the first woman to have a bump.

For goodness sake STOP protecting your "DH" in this.

His PRIMARY family is you and your children. His parents are SECONDARY.

If he still wants to be a "child" then LTB.

FIL sent an eulogy to your child. You don't get more FUBAR than that.

Ask him wtf it would take for him to disconnect from his parents?

Sorry and ignore the suicide threats - he sounds as manipulative as his parents.

You are in an abusive cycle. You can't "fix" your DH or his parents. You CAN protect your child/children.

Take your kid/s and leave.

You can see that eatsshit that we should Be his first priority yet when he's defensive he maintains that I should not have thrown away said eulogy blah blah.

And round we go. It all makes dh sound like a total doormat yet so am I as I've allowed it too.

I would have to raise the poem with them and if I didn't get a reasonable apology and some understanding from them at how upsetting their actions were then I would get up and leave with my child, and not return.

That has actually shocked me.

Exactly - yet he doesn't get it....

Have you told him explicitly and calmly to get his priorities sorted?

Everyone I've told has the same reaction to that poem thing, Dobby, everyone except dh. It's shocking and abhorrent it caused a physical reaction and still does thinking about my gorgeous son and seeing that written down by fil. It's really quite indescribable without being too dramatic to explain the horror I felt when I saw it. Yet still dh says he gets why I'm upset and it's a really horrible thing but he's sure fil didn't mean it blah blah. My point why has he still not spoken to hi sfather about it 4 months after he sent it?

The victim here is dh.

Stop staying to LTB, don't accuse him of being manipulative, if you can level anything like that at him it is because that's all he learned. He is not threatening duo ode, he's saying he'd rather shoot himself than take these people on.

Love, I know you love him, and he loves you, but his parents have conditioned him to be terrified of confronting them.

They have got away with murder and he hasn't got the skills or the experience to know that the world won't end as he knows it if he says no to them.

Read up on toxic inlaws.

Stand up to them calmly and consistently. Do not give them an inch.

When your h sees that you don't self combust he may see how it's ok to say no.

He may take your lead.

All you need is to get his agreement to support you in principle. You will not be insulted, you will not tolerate being ignored in your own home, and you absolutely will call a cab for the airport if there is in any way a repeat of last time.

They are drains, Joy suckers and completely pointless as people.

You know his their son, but they are the last people you could ever describe as parents.

Threatening suicide - sorry, phone

They do dismiss my in the house, hissy. All comments are directed to mrember e.g. Where do you keep your rolling pin mrember? As if dh even knows what that is far less where it is kept. Mil actually got up, straddled fils legs to crawl over him and avoid coming round my side of the coffee table where I was bfing newborn son to go to my dh in the kitchen and ask him if he needed anything to be ironed. I actually laughed inside at that one, the lengths she went to instead of just turning to me on her left and asking me!

Don't be near them then.
When they arrive, you go out.
If they come into the lounge, you & baby go into the dining room.
Just stay away.
If they're awful to you, the old MN favourite of,
"Did you mean to be so rude?" Usually works.
One I used with my MIL was,
"Oh no, we don't say things like that in this house/family."
Did DH mean the suicide thing, or was he being a bit of a drama llama?
Call them out every time,
"Why would you say/mumble such a thing? We don't do that here."
Repeat ad infinitum!

Mostly I'm gobsmacked they've said them and i'm processing the comment then it's lost and I am tense to exploding inside yet I still say nothing.

OK, so you need a strategy to deal with this. Having a standard response ready that you use every single time helps. Practise it in your mind. Practise it in the mirror. Maybe like Al Pacino. The words should naturally fall out of your mouth in the instant it happens. Make it reflex.

"What did you say MIL /FIL?"
"I didn't hear that clearly MIL, could you repeat that please?"
"DH, I couldn't quite hear MIL then. What did she say?"
"I must have misheard you there MIL. What did you say?"

Say it firmly and clearly so there is no way she can plausibly say she didn't hear you, didn't know you had spoken etc. These phrases can be used even if she is looking away from you, even if she is asking DH where the rolling pin is.

Then you need a standard response to whatever nonsense she comes up with: lies, tears, tantrums, flouncing, more rudeness. Here's my catchall phrase:

"I can see by your reaction that you are embarrassed by your behaviour. I will take that as an apology. Thank you. Cup of tea?"

Then walk away, ignore, etc. If under pressure (you will be) don't argue the point

"I have already forgiven it. Cup of tea?"

Now he has threatened suicide (which it sounds like you don't take seriously in reality), you have the moral authority to frog march him to couples therapy to sort this out, if that's what you want.

Next time your husband tries the "you hate my parents" line, ask him a) what his parents do that should make you love them, b) whether his parents love you (and how that is expressed) and c) how he would feel if they were his in laws. Don't let him suggest that this is all about you randomly hating his family. I let my ex guilt me out like that.

I also kept quiet for a long time, but after we split was more direct and honest, and have a better relationship with his family as a result. (They are not as mental as your inlaws mind...) Now when I realise I am holding back I force myself to say what I am thinking - not rudely, just saying my opinion. Like Run rabbit says, I've tried to make it a knee - jerk reaction not to sit quietly when I am mentally fuming. For instance I might say "all bumps look the same but that one is special to us of course!"

Your husband could probably do with some therapy on his own, too. Works wonders.

If he feels suicidal about it then they really should not be crossing your threshold.