So, I've been on here a while; had a couple of name changes.
Brief backstory is that I separated from my husband a few years ago in the same year that I lost both of my parents. I am very much on my own.
Since we separated, I have 'dated' a little and had one relationship of just under a year and another of about 6 months. I ended both because neither were right for me. The men weren't really into me and, having had a mediocre marriage, I really don't want to waste any more time on anyone who likes me well enough, but is never going to love me.
I am happy enough being single. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have one enduring hobby through which I have some very good friends; we go on holiday together, we go on nights out, we're not in each other's pockets, but I like it. I've had a go at different social hobbies/joined groups/activities and managed to sustain them for a couple of years each, but family commitments meant I wasn't able to carry on.
I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be loved and to love. To have someone to share things with. To have someone who cherishes me and who thinks they are lucky to have found me and have me in their life.
My parents didn't love me. My upbringing wasn't horrific, but it was emotionally abusive and very sad. My adult life has followed a similar pattern. A couple of years ago, most of my friendship group was single. But over the past year or so, many of them have now met someone. Which just makes it more obvious.
I get described as quirky, funny, intelligent and attractive. The women I know tell me I'm pretty, the older men I know tell me that if only they were 30 years younger... but it's all good natured fun. I keep the sadness hidden.
People ask me why I'm single and I tell them that I haven't met anyone worth giving up being single for. And that's true. I tell them I'm having fun on my own, with my friends and my children, and I don't want a man to get in the way of that. And that's true. I tell them that I haven't met anyone who would fit into my friendship group. And that's true.
But the elephant in the room is that, there is also another reason and this is the main one. No one wants me. I meet a lot of men, but I'm of an age (early 40s) where all the men I meet are either single for a reason or married. I only know one single man my age and he is after someone far younger. No one ever fancies me. No one asks me out. Well apart from the married men who are chancing their hand at a bit of extra curricular... I don't very often meet met who I find attractive, but there have been a couple over the past few years. But none of them are interested. I do like someone but he isn't interested and that's hard too.
I have posted on here before under different names when this feeling and the sadness becomes overwhelming. Which it is at the moment. I always get told that I sound lovely. The advice is always the same. Join a club, meet people, be happy on your own. I already do those. I suppose I'm just feeling really sad today that I just feel so unwanted. And without having family around me, there's no one else to fill the gap. Another weekend with just myself and the children. It's just hard.
I just don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of this being it forever. Of having lived my whole life never having met anyone who thought their life was better for having me in it.