Please forgive me a loveless wallow for a second...

[ThisIsDedicatedToTheOneILove]

So, I've been on here a while; had a couple of name changes.

Brief backstory is that I separated from my husband a few years ago in the same year that I lost both of my parents. I am very much on my own.

Since we separated, I have 'dated' a little and had one relationship of just under a year and another of about 6 months. I ended both because neither were right for me. The men weren't really into me and, having had a mediocre marriage, I really don't want to waste any more time on anyone who likes me well enough, but is never going to love me.

I am happy enough being single. I have hobbies, I have friends. I have one enduring hobby through which I have some very good friends; we go on holiday together, we go on nights out, we're not in each other's pockets, but I like it. I've had a go at different social hobbies/joined groups/activities and managed to sustain them for a couple of years each, but family commitments meant I wasn't able to carry on.

I'm not desperate for a boyfriend, but it would be nice to be loved and to love. To have someone to share things with. To have someone who cherishes me and who thinks they are lucky to have found me and have me in their life.

My parents didn't love me. My upbringing wasn't horrific, but it was emotionally abusive and very sad. My adult life has followed a similar pattern. A couple of years ago, most of my friendship group was single. But over the past year or so, many of them have now met someone. Which just makes it more obvious.

I get described as quirky, funny, intelligent and attractive. The women I know tell me I'm pretty, the older men I know tell me that if only they were 30 years younger... but it's all good natured fun. I keep the sadness hidden.

People ask me why I'm single and I tell them that I haven't met anyone worth giving up being single for. And that's true. I tell them I'm having fun on my own, with my friends and my children, and I don't want a man to get in the way of that. And that's true. I tell them that I haven't met anyone who would fit into my friendship group. And that's true.

But the elephant in the room is that, there is also another reason and this is the main one. No one wants me. I meet a lot of men, but I'm of an age (early 40s) where all the men I meet are either single for a reason or married. I only know one single man my age and he is after someone far younger. No one ever fancies me. No one asks me out. Well apart from the married men who are chancing their hand at a bit of extra curricular... I don't very often meet met who I find attractive, but there have been a couple over the past few years. But none of them are interested. I do like someone but he isn't interested and that's hard too.

I have posted on here before under different names when this feeling and the sadness becomes overwhelming. Which it is at the moment. I always get told that I sound lovely. The advice is always the same. Join a club, meet people, be happy on your own. I already do those. I suppose I'm just feeling really sad today that I just feel so unwanted. And without having family around me, there's no one else to fill the gap. Another weekend with just myself and the children. It's just hard.

I just don't know what's wrong with me. But I'm terrified of this being it forever. Of having lived my whole life never having met anyone who thought their life was better for having me in it.

Mirroring my life!!! So it's not just me then. I'm 50 odd and still haven't found someone to share my life with. Have a 11 year old ds who is out of school at moment due to anxiety problems meant I had to give up work. Feel totally lost in life he doesn't have any friends and lives to play on his computer. We are getting help with CAMHS but slowly, slowly ( took over a year for this help). I would love to meet someone to share my life with. All my friends work so during week and weekends they always seem busy so the days just roll in to one. Feeling really lonely. I can't seem to move forward.

Feel totally the same. Except I'm a man in the same position, although no children. Parents alive but we're not at all close. No other family. I'm 42, been single 6 years, haven't been on a date in 4 years. Did online dating (never again), done all the joining clubs. Almost never meet single women in any club or at work. I keep busy, have friends but it isn't the same. I have lots of female friends, but even they don't know any single friends in the same sort of age bracket (and no, I am not looking for someone in her 20s or early 30s).

I have a single female friend who has been single 9 years now and she's done all the same things. But she keeps herself even busier than me and bizarrely is a member of several sporty clubs that you would think would throw up single men. Almost never. It's all married or partnered.

I really relate to you OP - and other posters. I left my bad marriage 9 years ago when my daughter was two. I did do some cool things, I travelled a lot for instance, but I was also angry and unstable and very very lonely, and started drinking too much wine in the evenings. My parents are also dead (cancer/alcoholism/anger) and they thought I was a bit of a let down really, despite being a successful woman professionally, reasonably attractive and so on.

I dated quite a bit through those years, but I do seem to attract more than my fair share of angry/lonely/sad men. Still, I enjoyed quite a lot of it - and it distracted me from myself.

My drinking got worse and worse and I eventually (long story short) ended up in AA. It didn't seem like a good day, but the day I went to my first meeting really was a pivotal day. I stopped drinking, followed the programme, got better - I also did about a year of therapy which helped me to make sense of my shitty childhood and my feelings of inadequacy.

Well, I didn't expect to meet anyone in AA but that's what happened. I met him 4 years ago when he came and helped me to do the washing up without being asked (good start!). I nearly dismissed him as a potential partner because he's shorter than me (I know, how shallow of me). But he's got the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met, and loves not just me but my daughter too. We really love each other. It's our second wedding anniversary soon. I'm 45.

Life can surprise you. I'm not suggesting go to AA looking for fellas, but I do think the time spent in therapy made a HUGE difference to me, and helped me sort myself out. Good luck every one.

Queen So pleased you've found someone. I completely agree that I need to be comfortable with myself. I think that's the main thing. I don't expect a man to 'fix' me. In fact, the last thing I want is to be 'saved' or 'rescued'. I've done a lot of work on myself over the past few months and I can see a difference in me. other people say that they can see it too. So it's not that I feel I need a man to complete me and I do get that, even if I did meet someone, it wouldn't make the past all better. I suppose it's just that the 'better' I get, more keenly I feel it. That so many years have been wasted.

Princess Thanks. Yes, that's what I'm hoping for. That I'll just meet someone, one day... when I least expect it... Thing is, I do want the butterflies. I was in a loveless, sexless, passionless marriage for too long. I'm not ready to hang that up yet. I do want the butterflies!

electric Welcome! I completely agree. See everyone is saying the same thing; that it's about learning to love yourself. I spent a long time despising myself and being incredibly cruel to myself. I wouldn't say I've learnt to 'love' myself yet. But I can see that there may be a point in the future where I can. I have a very good friend who has helped me along the way with this. She has been amazing. That's exactly how I approached online dating too. As a bit of a laugh and a bit of fun. Someone to chat with and go out with if I wanted to. But it feels a bit soulless and empty now! I'm not sure I would look for someone seriously online anymore.

Discovering the 'real' me is where I am right now.

Marvellous funny that so many of us are saying the same thing! I really don't 'need' anyone. I think a lot of men like the idea of a woman who isn't going to challenge them or make any demands or have any expectations of them. That's why so many women put up with so much crap and why so many men offer so little. I know that the two men I ended things with were both indignant that I'd done so, yet neither of them seemed particularly interested in me when we were going out. Well no, that's not true. They had both seemed interested, but they also seemed equally, if not more, interested in every passing woman. I might be 41, but I think I look pretty ok for my age. I'm not pandering to a man who thinks I should be 10 years younger!

And yeah, I think a lot of women would be horrified if they realised just how many married me are hitting on their newly single/divorced friends...

crazy it is the hard bit. The amount of time my children spend with their dad has decreased over the years now that his guilt has subsided somewhat... we are still flexible in our contact arrangements, which suits both of us. But it does make it tricky. I have that book! I think I bought every self help book going over the first two years after we split up!! There was some useful stuff to take from it. But it wasn't quite 'enough' for what I needed. I have a lot of unresolved childhood issues that impact on all of it. I work full time too. Although i do have school holidays off. Unfortunately, I work a lot during the evenings and at weekends too. But I do try and find a balance as much as I can. But you're right, it is difficult to find time.

I really hate the thought of another 5 or so years passing and still not having met someone. Just because I would like to. I kind of am happy on my own. Although I do need to work out who/what I really am.

I feel like a continual failure too. I see friends who've been married for 20 years or more now... But then, I know that, if you scratch the surface, not all of them are happy. There seem to be a lot of functional but not happy marriages. And I wouldn't want to be in one of those anymore for anything!

summer I've had various flavours of counselling to try and sort it out since I was about 18 and had no understanding of what the issue really was at that point. I'm currently on the waiting list for CBT. The bottom line is, that my mother had her own issues and, whilst my physical needs were met, emotionally they weren't. I have chronically low self esteem and confidence. I'm trying really hard to address it all, but it's really tough and I'm still at the stage of not really understanding why anyone is loved, let alone how I could be. I was brought up with a constant narrative of why no one would want/love me. It didn't occur to me until a couple of years ago that there might actually be some good things about me. I just completely believed that I was wrong and broken and worthless and unloveable.

hevs That's so hard. (((hugs))) At least you're getting help from CAMHS now. That's like gold dust in my area! I hope that once things improve for your son, you can find a way forward in your own life. I don't have anything to add. Like you say, our experiences and feelings are echoing each others. For so many of us.

How can it be so hard?!!

DrSeth It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? How can something that is just so fundamentally human also be so elusive? My exh met someone else when we were together. I find it hard to say it was an affair; the marriage was effectively over anyway. But it seems to have been so easy for him. And he's not a great catch. He's not wealthy, he lives back at home with his parents, he's very overweight, he's really quite ordinary. Yet he has been out with a few women who were all younger than him and very attractive! He is with someone now and it seems to be getting quite serious. I don't understand how. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it; we all deserve to be happy! But I don't understand how it has just come so easily to him.

And no, I don't really meet single men. When I do, they are looking for someone younger or are too young for me themselves.

Colsgirl What a lovely story! Yeah you're right, I probably wouldn't want to look in an AA meeting!! But a lot of what you said really resonated with me. I had a lot of fun for the first couple of years, did some crazy stuff and got some stuff ticked off my bucket list. Now I'm working on the 'discovering the real me' bits and it's harder. I do have a better understanding of myself than I ever have before. But I'm not there yet.

I think the counselling/therapy seems to be the way to go. I'm going to wait and see what this CBT throws up. I had common or garden counselling before and, as lovely as she was, it was clear to both of us, I think, that she was completely out of her depth.

I suppose i can see how i'd be more capable of a relationship if I understood myself better. But I have no chance of getting there, when I haven't got the fundamentals covered of men finding me attractive.

It's oddly comforting, but also worrying and sad that there are so many of us in the same boat!

You can do this. Whether you meet someone or not, give yourself the gift of sorting out the past.

A good friend said to me (about therapy) that you won't necessarily enjoy it, but you'll never regret it. I had to give up on eye make up on Wednesday mornings because I cried so much!

Find a really, really good therapist and invest in yourself.

That's true, Colsgirl.

Thanks.

Haven't rtft just yet, will get a chance shortly, but this sounds exactly like me. Already been this way for over 10 years and I don't see it getting any better tbh.

Sometimes on threads you read stuff from people who sound vain/arrogant or a bit annoying, but everyone here sounds so nice. Thoughtful, insightful, intelligent, kind. Good luck!

So far what i have read, would be my advice to you too. It is clear that you carry a lot of unresolved stuff and that it is very raw for you and has impacted on your self esteem , your perception of yourself as a woman with lots to offer. I would say to you acknowledge your wish for love, hold on to it but take this time to begin loving yourself- take the time to commit to therapeutic intervention and in time, the more Positive you feel about yourself, the more you are likely to be open to people coming into your life; good luck.

Maybe some therapy would be a good idea? To explore the trauma of your childhood emotional neglect. Perhaps it's making you stand offish and you don't realise?

Out Not another one! It's just so sad.

Lily

Eiram Yes, I have posted before. My mother would detail everything she didn't like about me, but I couldn't tell you one thing that she did. I was criticised for everything. My physical appearance; my personality; my characteristics; just everything that made me Me, really. I have accepted my personality now. And I don't think it's that bad! I think that my mother just had huge issues with me being very different to her. My characteristics/traits, like everyone's, are a combination of desirable and less so: for example, I am intelligent, but lack common sense; I am loyal, but a bit lazy if I can get away with it!

I still don't see what there is about my personality/character my Me-ness that would make someone fall in love with me though.

Although my biggest difficulty is around appearance. I know it shouldn't matter, but it does to me because that was the biggest thing growing up. It's the first thing people notice about you and the first thing they're attracted to, and yet, I was constantly told directly/indirectly that I wasn't good enough.

I remember a time when I was in my mid 20s and I was out with my mother who was in her late 40s at the time. A young lad a similar age and with a similar 'style' to me did a bit of a double take. My mother said, "ooh did you see that young lad looking at me!" I asked if it had occurred to her he might be looking at me and she just looked at me with a air of amusement, scorn and derision and said, "you? Why would he have been looking at you?" I know it's trivial. But her position that I was an ugly thing was so entrenched that nothing would detract from it.

I tried to make myself smaller. I was 8 stone and tiny at the time, and yet I wouldn't walk around pubs etc for fear of bumping into the furniture and being laughed at because she'd convinced me I was so fat. I hated talking to people because I believed everyone was looking at me wondering why someone so ugly had the nerve to walk around so blatantly in public. I felt guilty constantly that I was taking up the world's finite resources. It was a constant weight.

It sounds terribly arrogant to read that back now. But I was being told I wasn't good enough and would never be wanted/loved from being a very young age.

I find that now, I can't really process the idea that it might not be/have been true, let alone actually begin to believe differently.

As I've said to people before, this was the person who taught me how to walk and use cutlery, who taught me how to cross the road and my colours, who washed and ironed my clothes and took me to school everyday. How could this same person have been so wrong about that other stuff?

That's what I'm really struggling with.

And even when I can begin to get my head round the fact that it was her own disordered thinking and she had her own emotional issues... I'm still not quite able to make it make sense or stick in my head for long enough. My first response is that other people will be thinking as she did. And that's hard.

Arundel That's quite possible. I know that I'm not as open as other people often are. I have been told that I keep people at arms length. I find that really difficult because I try really hard to be open. But perhaps I'm not.

It's not true that men on dating sites want 20 year olds. I've done it, had a great laugh, and had my pick of men (I was in my 40's). Yes, there were nutters but that's just like real life. Most of them were slightly older or a bit younger than me. All said they didn't want someone lots younger than them. I met a lovely man and went out with him for about 9 months. Since then I met someone else in the real world. Give the online dating another go, don't take it too seriously and see it as a way to meet new people that might not be the love of your life but you'll have fun looking. Good luck.

falange both the men I had relationships with stated on their profiles that they wanted women up to 10 years younger and 5 years older. Or thereabouts. They didn't explicitly say on their profiles that they wanted much younger women.

But they clearly and openly lamented the fact they were now in a different game.

One of them told me about his beautiful ex girlfriends and implied quite strongly that part of my appeal was that, being an older woman (late 30s at the time), I would be less likely to have the opportunity to cheat/other men wouldn't find me as attractive and that he felt more comfortable with me as a result. Nice.

The other told me he'd found it quite difficult to come to terms with the fact he'd now have to date 'older women'. He was 18 months older than me. And is now with someone 10 years younger. I realised after a few months that he was checking out every single woman who appeared to be 25 or younger. Sometimes they were clearly only late teens. He was 41. I dumped him.

Ok, that's only 2, but it's 100% of the men I have had relationships with since my ex cheated on me with someone 10 years younger.

And the only man I know IRL who is the same age as me is looking for someone 10-15 years younger. I might as well be invisible. I don't think he's even considered and rejected me. I'm not even on his radar as a woman!

Aside from that, I was contacted by a lot of men who were 10-15+ years older than me.

My experience of online dating wasn't bad, but it's not something I want to do again. Not at the moment anyway.

I'd really like to just meet someone I clicked with in real life.

Whatever consolation it may be, from the posts you are clearly not alone. I am over 50, widowed, with three school age children. I have given up work because I couldn't cope with work as well. All family are dead or far away (60 miles to the nearest). Friends are also far way (moved out of London, where I stayed), and are mostly couples with kids and lives of their own, so seeing them becomes an annual event, at best. I don't really know any of the other parents at school, and being single I am rarely invited anywhere and when I am, I have childcare problems accepting (getting easier as the eldest grows up). This went on for 5 years, when I met someone by pure chance last summer, and so far it is working well. They've told me that I am 'reserved', which I hadn't realised. Before meeting them I was quite seriously depressed, suicidal even, without really realising it (except I had decided on the means of suicide and had taken practical steps to have the means to hand; but I couldn't abandon the kids). I stopped watching TV long ago as there was no-one to chat to about it. Evenings after the kids went to bed were usually spent either doing chores, or drinking wine at the kitchen table - about a 50/50 split. Days could go by when I wouldn't speak to an adult at all (after giving up work: work and colleagues were a real life saver, simply by existing).

I thought about online dating, but the thought somehow appalled me, besides the practical childcare problems in any dating. Luckily I don't have any need to consider it now.

I joined various clubs and societies, to try and 'get out of myself', and while that overall helped, it was not a viable source of new date possibilities: everyone was married. I also found physical exercise helpful, as lifting my mood, which helped in that I then didn't always project an aura of being a grumpy old git.

Very difficult, but keep smiling, make an effort to get out and about, to meet people, in whatever circumstance. If you can get sunny in yourself, that is attractive.

What a lovely supportive thread and what amazing, insightful women are out there.

I know the feeling of "what's wrong with me?" when single. My mother, who is generally lovely, was unconsciously cruel when I was single in my 30s and convinced me that not being married was the worst possible life outcome. There are so many subtle and not so subtle messages in everyday life that being single is a sign of failure.

I am now married and thankfully DH is a good'un but looking back there was definitely a "push factor" in my decision to get married. Everyone else was and I felt left out/lacking somehow.

I am happy but also envious of the freedom and independence single people have. As I get older I find it harder to compromise how I like things to accommodate DH .

I don't have any advice except to say if you feel judged on your single status by friends and acquaintances it's more likely to be your perception rather than reality.

It's interesting and sad, isn't it, Galdos? It is of some bitter sweet comfort that I'm not alone. It's nice to not feel like such a loser but, at the same time, hearing that other people have been in this position for many, many years it's quite sad/worrying.

Like I said, I have an enduring and sociable hobby which brings me into contact with a fair few people and offers a number of social opportunities. But all the people I meet through it are married or too old for me if single (60+yo). We go away for weekends and nights out aside from doing the actual hobby. And the nature of the hobby brings me into contact with other people; men and women. I know older people with sons my age, but they're all married. Where are all these decent, single/divorced 40 something men that other people seem to keep meeting!! The man I currently like is 10 years older than me. Which is unusual for me. I tend to find that men that much older are very much 'older' than me; but this man is very youthful and I am very much attracted to him. But, like I said, it's not to be. So it's not that I'm discounting men who are a little older, but I generally don't find them attractive.

As someone observed upthread, part of the issue is that I don't very often meet men I find attractive. It's not that I have exceptionally high expectations of a person, just that the things that make a person attractive to me are quite specific.

I really get the 'reserved' thing. I do wonder if that's how I come across at times when I'm trying not to let people see how sad I am at times. It's a way of protecting them from the truth and myself from them knowing the truth.

I also really understand the suicidal thing too. I don't feel depressed, but what enables me to get through every day is knowing that every day I am here is a choice. I have also decided how I would do it and could do it with about 24 hours notice. I couldn't leave my children either, but I still find that that element of 'choice' is necessary.

Oh and it's lovely to read that people have met people in real life too. That's the ideal really isn't it?

To be at a local beer festival and have your eyes meet over a porter...

or at a small music festival and spot someone through the haze of the incense smoke and fairy lights...

or to bond over a shared love of the Cardassians...

You get the picture...

Choughed Yes definitely. My mother viewed it as the worst failing of a woman, to be single. I don't have an issue with the being single bit, too much, and I certainly don't feel judged by my friends and acquaintances, but I am finding it difficult to manage the idea/feeling that nobody wants me, that I'm not important to anyone, that of all the people I meet who like me, no one feels that I am special and worth that little bit more. You know?

There isn't anyone who finds themselves wistfully thinking of me, or who is looking forward to seeing/speaking to me. That kind of thing. And I'm loathed to think that I'm too old for all of that nonsense!

I've realised over recent years that a lot of my mother's 'advice' was actually based on her own fears and not the Natural Order Of Things. Unfortunately, by the time I realised that, it all felt too late. And for some things it is.

I do have things to be happy about and thankful for. I'm just feeling a bit down about this particular aspect of life at the moment.

I am in a similar situation. I am widowed with 4 dc's. My dp died almost 6 years ago. Women have always complimented me but I haven't been asked out by any men in this time. I don't know any single men and have never tried on line dating. I have no family around and do feel quite alone and like GALDOS have moved away for a better life. I have made a couple of friends with mums from school which helps. My DC are always asking when they can have another daddy.
The only thing I will say is that I've often looked at my married friends thinking what a lovely life they have and later found out it's not is all rosy and the DH is having an affair etc. Sometimes things can be worse in a relationship, I have been lonely in a relationship and that was much worse.

HEV 51 I really empathise with you, my eldest has been seeing CAHMs for years and my DC also has very difficult behavioural issues. It's so tough on your own but hopefully things will improve for you and your DC.

Thanks for everyone's support. I know this is a phase and in time it will get better (have to stay positive)!! I just want to move forward and get out there and laugh again.

Just a quick wonder that I'm having this morning.

Clearly, whilst I feel I've made a lot of improvement on myself over the past few months/years, there is still a long way for me to go.

In essence, the narratives of my childhood/youth were that:

"the most important thing for a woman is that she finds a man who will have her"

"in order to actually be loved you have to be pretty much perfect and without any flaws both physically and characteristically"

"if a man accepts a woman who is less than perfect, it is because he knows he can't do any better, not that he doesn't want to"

"because I wasn't 'perfect' and had already accepted I was 'unloveable', I couldn't hope to ever be 'loved'. The best I could hope for was to be tolerated by a man who had accepted he'd never get the woman he really wanted."

In essence, I've avoided any men who were 'decent' because I've just written myself off as far as they're concerned as I've seen that they wouldn't need to lower their standards.

I've lost respect for men who did like me pretty quickly because I've accepted that they've only done so because they didn't have high enough expectations for themselves.

I couldn't actually tell you which of the men I've had relationships with, if any, had any authentic feelings for me.

I've always felt insecure in every single relationship because I 'knew' there was another woman out there (real or hypothetical) that he really wanted to be with and I was a consolation prize/second best/stop gap.

I am more accepting of myself now on a day to day basis, but I still don't know how I would be able to function in a relationship. I know the answer is 'counselling', but funds are short and time is limited.

I don't want to go out with someone knowing they're looking at me thinking they can do better, but neither do I want to be with someone who thinks I'm the best they can do. So it's a catch 22.

Is this really something counselling would be able to help with? And is it really wrong?

I just can't get my head round what someone might love about me. Or what makes men love women who are 'quite ordinary'.

HappyBee Yes, same here. I see a lot of 'happy marriages' but when you get to know the members of said marriages you find that the husbands are having affairs or the women are unhappy and meeting their emotional needs elsewhere.

I don't want to be part of anything like that.

As I said before, a lot of marriages that are 'functioning' but not necessarily happy. I'm glad I'm not trapped in one of those any more.

OP
You don't talk about your relationship with your mother now . Sorry to ask is she still around?
By confronting her with everything you put here in writing you could immensely relieve your feeling and maybe get an apology,forgive and move on.
Although it might not work.
I had similar situation /relationship not with my mother but older sister.
It happened so due to certain surcumstances I lived with her while in uni,far away from parents . She was extremely critical of everything about me /mentally abusive.According to her I wasn't good looking,always was pointed out how fat i was and im not doing anythyng to become slim,my intelligence was questioned every day,my social skills aparently were nonexistent ,nobody wanted me and basically I was a black sheep in the family . This abuse carried on for few years and had tremendous impact on me.
Luckily later I moved far away and began to see different me and realised that people see me in much more positive way then my sister . Realisation came to me she was projecting her own MH issues and insecurity on me.
Being a good person and due to parents pressure I maintained contact with her but it was always same as before . after a while of friendly periods of contact she'd start to being disrespectful and abusive again . In her eyes I'd always be that younger looser of a sister she was unfortunately related to.
Skip forward decade or two I gained better education , achieved professionally more than she did and frankly my children better behaved and generally more successful academically/show good potential
I must have done SOMETHING right and must have good qualities ..

Decisive moment was few years back when I aspired to something big and was in a process of working towards the goal when I shared with her my plans,seeking emotional support and encouragement.
Coincidently it was one of her dreams too.
I was heavily critised and told I will not be able to do it on my own,instead of being supported
I decided to cut contact with her and explained to my parents that I've tried but it's time to give up .I feel confident and happy without her in my life.
By the way I did achieve what I wanted although went through emotional turmoil .
My selfworth is NOT seen any more through distorted views of those who supposed to be closest

Not dismissing anyone considering how their past is affecting them, but just wanted to add that (a) I grew up with a loving family and (b) deep-down, I think I'm fundamentally fine. My self-esteem isn't without its wobbles, but it's okay. I wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but to the right person, I think I could be their right person too.

Neither of the above factors has stopped me being long-term single. The thing about the narrative of "Fix your self-esteem and the right man will show up" is that it reinforces the idea that you're single because there is something wrong with you.

Not everybody is going to end up coupled up - they never have and never will. It's doesn't that the ones who end up without a chair when the music stops are less worthy than those who got a chair. Luck/logistics/lower standards can all play a part.