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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me

57 replies

NFmama · 08/05/2016 08:12

I'm well prepared to get flamed here but I'm sensitive and upset so please don't be too harsh :(

I've been seeing a guy who is actually an old friend for about a year now, it's long distance and was supposed to be until he moved up this summer. We happened to be talking about drugs and he said all people who take drugs are scum. Just because I like a conversation, I asked if he meant all drugs, and he said yes. I mentioned that I'd smoked weed in the past and he said, 'but you haven't smoked it since you met me.'

I admitted that at the very beginning of the year, when the kids were staying out, I'd had one spliff just because I'd been feeling very low. He went mental, he says our whole relationship is a lie. He says the woman he fell in love with is strong and selfless and with this admission I've proved I'm neither.

He says the trust is gone, he'll never love me again. I'm completely stunned. It wasn't my finest hour but it was once and I'd never do it again, especially as I know how much it upsets him. Also if I'd known he was this strongly opposed I never would have done it. Anyway, he says he can no longer trust or respect me and that I'm not a good mother. He also said I've proved I'm a weak person.

I didn't think one spliff was the crime of the century, and I would never endanger my children. I don't smoke, I don't even drink when they're in the house incase I need to drive them somewhere in an emergency. I'm not sure what I want anyone to say, I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 08/05/2016 19:46

Good god, what a sanctimonious tosser, you're well rid of him. He's certainly not a 'friend' if he thinks it's appropriate to behave like that. Friends do not make cruel jokes.

SoleBizzz · 08/05/2016 19:48

Probably something from his past he hasn't dealt with. Best to keep away from him.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 08/05/2016 19:50

What a fucking tosser. You're well rid.

FellOutOfBedTwice · 08/05/2016 20:10

Fuck him, he sounds like a really horrible person. For the record I've smoked the occasional spliff, never gone on to anything harder and am not weak, either. Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there, sanctimonious twat.

CalleighDoodle · 08/05/2016 22:10

Drug use would be a deal breaker for me too. But i would have just said that.

BeaArthursUnderpants · 09/05/2016 03:28

I can't believe how many people would throw away a serious relationship because of a one-off that happened in the past before OP even knew how strongly he felt. I guess it must be comforting to live in such a black and white world.

WannaBe · 09/05/2016 05:51

"I can't believe how many people would throw away a serious relationship because of a one-off that happened in the past before OP even knew how strongly he felt. I guess it must be comforting to live in such a black and white world." it wasn't in the past though was it? OP said she last used at the beginning of the year. So a couple of months ago. OP said they were discussing drug use and he'd said he knew about her past drugs but that she hadn't used since they' deem together at which point she confirmed that actually, she had.

And perhaps his reaction was OTT but perhaps it wasn't. After all if the OP needs a joint to help her through a bad day then that's the beginning of the slippery slope. Added to that this surely means that she either already had the drugs in the house, or she has ready access to a dealer. neither of which are particularly attractive scenario's.

It would be a deal-breaker for me too.

Original poster
NFmama · 09/05/2016 06:02

*WannaBe
*
I've had plenty of bad days before and after, the joint was a one off before I understood the extent of his feelings but thanks for your contribution.

Thank you everyone. Your replies have really helped.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 09/05/2016 06:05

While I think his comments were unnecessarily nasty, it would be a deal breaker for me too. I've never dated (to my knowledge but I'm pretty confident) anyone who's taken illegal drugs ever. I've never even tried a cigarette myself rarely even drink.

I've an alcoholic father and lost someone very close to me who started with 'just a spliff'.

Frankly I think those talking about a black and white world have questionable ethics regarding ILLEGAL drugs.

I certainly think any parent that takes illegal drugs are irresponsible, even if kids not with them at the time.

SeasonalVag · 09/05/2016 06:11

The issue is not with the fact he doesnt like drugs or weed, but the over the top, histrionic way that he dealt with it. I dont take drugs and it would be a dealbreaker for me too, but I wouldn't go ballistic like that either. What's he gonna do when you burn his tea??

WannaBe · 09/05/2016 06:25

It depends though on what his experience of drug use is. For many people it really is black and white, and a case of you either do drugs or you don't.

If I found out my DP had smoked a joint then yes, it would completely destroy my view of who I thought he was. Because it's not just about one joint is it? It's about the kinds of people you associate with to obtain said joint. To one person it may be an innocent joint but the reality is that behind that one joint is a world of drug dealing and organised crime, including trafficking, prostitution, murder etc.

And of course there's no way of knowing whether that person will do those drugs again.

I wouldn't even know how to come by drugs. The idea of even associating with a drug dealer as a one off makes my skin crawl. And while I would most likely just state that it was a deal-breaker and the relationship was over, I can see how someone might reach the point of the reaction the OP's BF did.

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/05/2016 06:32

What Wannabe and Bacon said. Exactly.

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 06:41

" reality is that behind that one joint is a world of drug dealing and organised crime, including trafficking, prostitution, murder etc."

Other damn good reasons to have nothing to do with illegal drugs.

SomeonesRealName · 09/05/2016 06:52

As a pp said this has absolutely nothing to do with drugs - the rights or wrongs of drug use are irrelevant. What is relevant is the abusive behaviour. OP this is a big red flag and you are well out of it. I'm sorry your relationship fell apart like this but please stay strong and please come back to the thread or start another if you need support keeping no contact with this man, or if anything else happens.

whattodoforthebest2 · 09/05/2016 06:57

If your boundaries are 'flexible', what is your response when your teenager tells you "it was only one tab"?

category12 · 09/05/2016 07:52

I think you have dodged a bullet. The cruel joke thing on top. Nah.

If he u-turns and offers to give you another chance as long as you never do it again, tell him to get bent.

WannaBe · 09/05/2016 08:05

But for some people one joint is as bad as say, a one night stand, and might provoke a similar reaction.

While I wouldn't enter down the road of name calling etc as the relationship would be over for me, some people do feel they want to say their piece, and do so....

gamerchick · 09/05/2016 09:39

If he u-turns and offers to give you another chance as long as you never do it again, tell him to get bent

Which I suspect he will do and will make sure you're pathetically grateful for it. This is the top of the slippery slope to hell. Tell him to not to contact you again seriously.

OurBlanche · 09/05/2016 10:21

So you know he is a pratt and had a previous inkling?

So start writing your killer text:

Dear XX, many thanks for showing your true colours. Please take your Holier Than Thou sanctimony and Controlling Gobshite ways and shove them. Do not contact me again. In case you have not understood, your high handed, rude behaviour has disgusted me, I no longer wish to be in any way involved with you.

Socialmediahell · 09/05/2016 10:26

I'm not a fan of drugs, and my experience of (regular) drug users isn't great.

BUT . . his reaction was over the top and you are probably better off without him. Like you said, if he can talk about having kids with you one minute, and then finish with you like that, then it does make you question his feelings.

WhoWasMaryJane · 09/05/2016 10:42

The end point is all that matters here.

ie. he wanted to end the relationship.

Personally, I too am in the boat of not wanting a relationship with someone who takes any kind of drugs or has done EVER. There are plenty of people around who feel like that as well.

It's no different from choosing to only date someone who is a vegetarian/drinker/non-drinker/ of a particular religion. It's a personal choice and no one else can say that is right or wrong.

The way that message was delivered may be wrong and unpleasant or even over the top. But ultimately it doesn't matter.

He wants a non-drug user. That's not you. End of story. That's all you need to know. Time to move on.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 09/05/2016 10:47

Wow OP, he's really not the person you thought he was and I think you have dodged a bullet here and are well rid.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 09/05/2016 10:48

I too am in the boat of not wanting a relationship with someone who takes any kind of drugs or has done EVER

Your NN is ironic then MaryJane? Grin

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 09/05/2016 10:49

It sounds to me like you have had a lucky escape, OP. But I'm sorry for the shock you've had. My first thought was that he was possibly looking for any excuse to leave the relationship and jumped on this so he could break up and then claim the moral high ground. Except personally I think it makes him seem like a judgmental twit and very controlling. I highly doubt he is actually breaking up over one spliff though.

specialsubject · 09/05/2016 10:54

the personal abuse to you was completely out of order.

he's entitled not to want to be with someone who has used drugs. But he could have been much more mature and less abusive in how he ended it. I also wonder if there's something else going on.

anyway, he wanted out and you found out in time. Forget the abusive remarks and move on.

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