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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think Giraffe has been incredibly strong this week, she has ended a relationship, i think she needs to talk about it too

70 replies

fairyfly · 12/01/2007 22:14

She is such a wonderful woman ( honestly) amazing fab woman and she has had the gut to walk away from a man she love as it was doing her no good.

I think it would be incredibly cathartic for her if she could offload on here.

Remind her that if she needed to leave it, if she has been upset, if she has been confused, it's about time to leave anyway.

THankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfly · 13/01/2007 00:11

Giraffe is lovely.

She's really been there for me these few weeks, i think we're going to be friends forever ( i don't really feel like that a lot so it's a fucking great compliment)

WWW, thankyou for asking, im ok, i'm being sensible and unemotional which is something i've needed to do for a ong time

OP posts:
BURNINGTHECANDLE · 13/01/2007 00:15

Well done and good luck!

jampots · 13/01/2007 00:24

gski - i didnt realise you were going through this - im sorry

Original poster
fairyfly · 13/01/2007 00:25

She'll be fine, i'm going to make sure of it

OP posts:
jampots · 13/01/2007 00:26

oh yhou are both so lovely ff and gski

im glad you're there for each other

giraffeski · 13/01/2007 10:18

Message withdrawn

SnafuOutOfHiding · 13/01/2007 10:26

OI! Giraffeski! NO!

There you go

It's bloody hard though, isn't it? I have been in the same sort of situation myself and the temptation to give in and hope for the best again is really powerful. But you've done the right thing. The mere fact that he's admitting he didn't even bother trying when you asked him to change things last time says it all, really.

I remember the quinsy thread. Can you go back and re-read it? It might give you a bit of emotional ammo...

MrsJohnCusack · 13/01/2007 10:27

I'm about to go to bed *I'm in NZ, not weird) but - OI! GIRAFFESKI! - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

he is pleading because he has realised what an arse he has been and that he has lost you. But if he couldn't be bothered to make the effort before, why will he now? And if you give into the pleading what will be the impetus for him to change, when you have done what he wanted without him having to show that he can do it or make any concessions?

Anyhow, I am sure others will be along in a moment with sager advice. I just wanted to make sure someone said the OI! NO! part quickly.

vitomum · 13/01/2007 10:34

giraffski, sorry you have been having such a crap time. I remember being completely stunned when my ex-p was so devastated that i left him. He wasn't abusive but was a totally selfish alcoholic and had no respect for my feelings. It did make leaving much more difficult which i suppose was the whole point of the exercise for him. I think he just gave what the situation needed to get me to stay. Your ex-p probably senses your resolve this time and knows he has to up the stakes. Probably he kinda means it in some ways too. But that doesn't mean he has tools, skills, attributes etc to change long term. People don't change overnight, they just don't. 10 years on i know enough of my ex-p's life to know that he is still a selfish alcoholic, but fortunately for me he is someone else's problem. Stay strong x

giraffeski · 13/01/2007 10:35

Message withdrawn

MarsLady · 13/01/2007 10:37

Well done you! Onwards and upwards as has already been said!

giraffeski · 13/01/2007 10:40

Message withdrawn

vitomum · 13/01/2007 10:44

giraffski, think about it this way. You have already told him your decision. He is choosing not to accept that by this ongoing pleading. With my ex-p this went on and on and eventually i found it to show a real lack of respect for my decision which just served to remind me of why i ended it. He's put you through the mill already and now that you have ended it he is still going to keep putting you through it. Not fair.

Imafairy · 13/01/2007 10:46

Would it help you if you put post-its up around the place saying things like "Stay strong", "Remember Quinsy" "DD and I ARE important" etc so that next time he phones you'll see them and it may prompt you to think stronger thoughts?
Well done for getting this far, and stay strong!

Ulysees · 13/01/2007 10:46

Oi giraffeski don't you dare give in!!!! You're worth more than that babe

I just told my dh it's over, told him just after christmas. He was gutted but it's his own fault. Not a bad man but I get no physical attention whatsover!! Not even a cuddle ffs! so out of it and have a man now who gives me plenty

take care girl and do not go back!!!!!!!!

giraffeski · 13/01/2007 10:57

Message withdrawn

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/01/2007 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chitchat07 · 13/01/2007 11:23

giraffeski, tell him that he needs to change first, and then discussions can come later. As he has let you down in the past before, he has to prove himself before you will commit to anything. If he can't agree to this, then he's not serious about changing anyway!

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2007 12:37

Oh yes, that was the thread that impelled me to stop lurking and start posting. You were doing his ironing while he was staying away from you because he didn't want your illness. Argh!

Pleading is the next stage after anger has been shown to be ineffective. You're sitting there with so much love inside you which unfortunately is focussed on an unworthy object. At the other end of the phone he's emotionally empty, his brain twisting and wriggling on the hook, working out the next technique to put you back in the box. He'll say and do whatever he thinks it takes at the time, not to make you happy, but to make you compliant; your happiness isn't a concept he understands except so far as it can improve his quality of life. After all, if he loses you he'll have to go to all that trouble to train up another doormat - er, treasured partner cough.

I don't mean you are a doormat. You have proved you're far from it. But when you tried to be supportive and loving, he wiped his feet on you. As Vitomum says, it's about respect, he clearly has none for you and you surely can't have a lot left for him!

Original poster
fairyfly · 13/01/2007 15:48

I have lost my mind i am ashamed to admit, I cried down the phone to him begging him to explain what went wrong. All he cn say is, we were going nowhere, i was wailing but i thought you loved me.

I am my own worst enemy, i have no dignity, i am loosing control and i am scared to death of being on my own again.

It's not like i didn't even see this coming, i'm a desperate co dependant arse.

OP posts:
MamazonAKAfatty · 13/01/2007 22:27

Fairyfly Go and get a post it note. writte on it "He is a tosser, he doesn't deserve me. go get Mumsnet"

then stick it to the handest of your phone.

that way next time you need to call him you will see it first and it will hopefully snap you out of your low mood.
Then you get straight on here and talk to us, we will tell you how much better off you are without him.

Giraffski - i cannot tell you how many times i heard "but i wasn't seriouse then, i am now" from my ex.
each and every time i knew it was fake but for some reason i let him back in.

Stay strong. If you feel yourself falling for his lies then put the phone down and don't answer it if he rings back. It sounds silly but it sometimes takes a few seconds for our mind to click back into 1st gear.
By putting the phone down you are physically stopping yourself listening to him and preventing yoursefl agreeing to something you dont really want.

Think of it as if it were smoking. you know its bad for you, you know you want to stop but for some reason you keep putting the cigerette in your mouth...its a habbit that is hard to break. Its the same with abusive relationships.

We are so conditioned to doing as we are told, to beleiving our own decisions are wrong and that they know whats best for us that when we finally decide to leave it is very easy for them to convince us otherwise. we know in our heads that we need to leave but for some reason -through habbit- we go back anyway.

You are doing really well and it will only get easier.
((hugs)) to both of you

beansprout · 13/01/2007 22:30

Big hug to you Giraffe, hope things improve for you soon. It's been fab playing pictionary with you!! xx

Original poster
fairyfly · 14/01/2007 10:04

Well its sunday and i want to ring him now or see him, so i've come on here.

OP posts:
lemonaid · 14/01/2007 10:22

That quinsy thread was , Giraffe -- you have definitely done the right thing particularly if it happened again.

And ff, much better on here than calling him.

katierocket · 14/01/2007 10:28

Shit giraffeski, only just seen this, sorry to hear about all the crap you're having to deal with. You are a kind, lovely woman and you don't deserve it. Don't give in.

Will be back later to read through properly.

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