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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can this work?

36 replies

AtTheEndofTheRoad · 07/05/2016 22:30

Have been preparing to split up with DH. Was hoping not to, but he has been so indifferent to me over the last year, ignored me, refused to come to counseling, rude to my friends and family. And I have posted other threads, feel that he has killed my love for him and assumed he felt the same about me.
So today I told him and he was devasted, distraught and wants to try again.
Can this work? Can you rekindle a relationship that has deteriorated so far? Has anyone here managed it?
And what should I be trying to do? I feel like I need an instruction book!

OP posts:
hesterton · 07/05/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whateverwoman · 07/05/2016 22:35

It could work but only if you really want it to, you could suggest counselling again and see if he will try it? How long have you been together now and what is your gut feeling about it all?

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 07/05/2016 22:54

Over 20 yrs, since Uni. I would like it to work, but I've been so unhappy for most of a year and I can't face being like this for months more. I've just felt like an unappreciated skivvy.
I can't sleep properly, get migraines, often wake up with my pulse racing.A lot of his behavior fits on the milder end of the verbal abuse scale- the not listening, ignoring, pretending I haven't told him things, making my family and friends unwilling to visit because he may be hostile or ignore them, belittling my job, interests, making out I'm clumsy, a bad driver, don't take care of things. I've driven for 26 years without major incident. He has never apologized for anything, ever, until today. When he said he was sorry if I have been feeling as bad as I have made him feel.
He says he is on the Spectrum. I don't know whether this is any excuse. And I don't know if he can change?

OP posts:
Finallyonboard · 07/05/2016 23:03

Relationships have ups and downs, as long as you like/ respect the other person you can always rekindle what you had before. However, if my DH had ever been rude towards my family or friends, I would've walked away.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 07/05/2016 23:14

I see your point Finally- it's only now, looking back that I see a pattern. I've so often made excuses for him and blamed tiredness and stress. But my parents are scared to visit now.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 08/05/2016 00:50

he said he was sorry if I have been feeling as bad as I have made him feel

This is his apology for having been "indifferent to me over the last year, ignored me, refused to come to counseling" and has been "rude to my friends and family" to the extent that "my parents are scared to visit now"?.

I see no apology here but I do him setting up a scenario where he'll claim he can't change because he's "on the spectrum", to which my response would be "on your bike".

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/05/2016 01:54

Hmm not a very convincing sounding apology! Was it actually worded like that?!

I'm sure the decision to leave hasn't come out of the blue - you must have talked to him about your concerns and yet he hasn't done anything to try and improve things? You must have raised some of the issues you mention and yet only when you tell him it's over does he decide he wants to change.

Sounds to me like he is grasping at anything to stop you rocking the boat, but whether this can lead to any significant change...I doubt it I'm afraid. You know him and we don't, we can only take from it what you have written about him, but it sounds like he has checked out. He doesn't want the upheaval of a separation, but if your happiness was important to him he would already be trying to improve your relationship.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/05/2016 06:17

Yes, that's exactly what he said. MarkRuffalo I'm not exaggerating . When I've cried in an argument I've been accused of being manipulative, so I've cried in private ever since. He has been trying to be helpful at home: but it's honestly a drop in the ocean compared to what I do and he won't see it.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 08/05/2016 06:20

Sweetheart, walk away. Just get up and walk away. You're worth more than that.

NorksAreMessy · 08/05/2016 06:42

Oh At you are worth so much more than this.

Yes, he might change, just for the amount if time it takes for you to settle down and decide that he is 'not THAT bad', but then slowly he will revert to type.
You have many years ahead of you to enjoy your life, to be joyful, happy, peaceful, with no drama. Please choose that future instead.

JontyDoggle37 · 08/05/2016 06:44

It comes down to this: life is too short to be unhappy. If he makes you unhappy (and it sounds like he does) and he is willing to justify that and say you make him unhappy too then clearly your relationship has run its course and it's time to find your new happy.Flowers

Dolphinsanddinosaurs · 08/05/2016 06:45

I think it could work if he was genuinely apologetic and willing to make changes. Unfortunately his half baked apology makes it clear he views any problems as your fault. I can't see how things will change given his attitude.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/05/2016 07:23

Yep, this morning he's blaming me. He's says he's been tiptoeing round me not trying to make me cross and do I really think other men are any different or better? What he is not saying is that he loves me.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 08/05/2016 07:27

Leave. There is nothing to save here.

DoreenLethal · 08/05/2016 07:30

If it is so bad then you are doing him a favour, aren't you?

And yes - other men ARE better.

kittybiscuits · 08/05/2016 07:30

He's making sure you know how horrible he is. He's a joy-sucker. Go. You will be much happier without him.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/05/2016 07:42

Norks That is one of my fears, because he has form for being nice for anything up to a few months and then in an argument he will say whatever necessary to make me give up and then he will ignore me for days before suddenly pretending everything is fine and what was I being so over sensitive about?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 08/05/2016 07:48

He hasn't even managed to be nice for 24hrs this time, not months. He is already putting the blame on you. He obviously thinks he did enough last night to make you decide to put up with him for a few more years. Is he right?

Helbelle75 · 08/05/2016 08:02

I was with someone like this for 10 years. We weren't married with no dc (his decision - I went along with it as arguing against his ideas was pointless). Looking back, I do think he was on the spectrum. Someone recommended I read a book about being in a relationship with someone with autism, and it was a big eye opener.
I loved him very much, but one afternoon something clicked and I said to him 'I can't do this any more', packed a bag and went to stay with my sister. Fortunately she lives in the same town and we're very close.
My whole family breathed a sigh of relief, friends all rallied round and said how lovely it was to have 'me' back. I had changed my personality to suit him as he didn't like me being 'too bubbly'.
I was 37 when I left. I have since met and married the most amazing man who treats me like a princess, loves me for who I am and supports everything I do. I'm pregnant with our first child and couldn't be happier.
I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to put up with this. Leaving isn't easy but much better than being stuck for the next however many years.

Startingover2016 · 08/05/2016 08:08

Well your list of things you are not happy with is long and I don't think he would be able to change all of them.

His behaviour reminds me of my ex who made a super effort for a while when he thought he had lost me but could not sustain it and the feelings had gone by then.

You have known him for 20 years and I think you have been putting up with too much for too long.

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/05/2016 08:11

I don't feel I can carry on like this without having some kind of breakdown, I'm so stressed. I'll look up that book Helbelle. Thank you for your story, and thank you, all of you, for your advice.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 08/05/2016 10:15

Can you imagine a life where you are not living with him.
What does that look like?

Original poster
AtTheEndofTheRoad · 08/05/2016 17:39

Norks Calm and free of aggro. I would have a smaller and more manageable house and garden so I wouldn't be spending all my free time on jobs.
I would choose to live where the kids could walk to get places and not need lifts so they would be able to have more independence.
I could get back in touch with friends I've lost track of.
I could go to bed knowing that I wasn't going to get woken up every night 2 hrs later.
I wouldn't worry when meeting people that he was going to embarrass me by saying something rude or that I might feel I needed to apologies for him.

I would have less money- which I am not especially worried about and I wouldn't be part of a couple when going to events ( but see above)

OP posts:
TheFuckersBitingMe · 08/05/2016 17:43

Your last post lists so many lovely positives. It sounds like you can already see the benefits of not being with someone so unbearably cruel (and all those niggling little ignoring, mocking and piss-taking things are just another form of cruelty to make you feel shitty).

It's only your decision that counts, ultimately. But staying with someone who treats you so appallingly is never the best option. Never.

NorksAreMessy · 08/05/2016 18:45

That sounds like a lovely life, a really lovely life.

Can you do a list if positives of staying as you are...money being one?