New Baby and Discovered Partner on Escort Site.

[ConcreteUnderpants]

I have a 4 week old daughter (my second, his first) and just discovered my partner has been on Adultwork and placed several reverse bookings (where you state a time, date and what you want, and the escorts contact you with offers), emailed a couple of escorts and has been looking at local sex parties.

I am utterly distraught.

The past month, he has become more obviously depressed and down, withdrawing his physical affection and not wanting sex. Throughout pregnancy, my sex drive went crazy, so it’s not like he wasn’t offered any. He said he had loved me, still found me attractive, but had no libido, which made me feel even more inadequate and worried. He has been under a huge amount of stress lately (lot of stress at work, he moved into mine unaided and his mother died 6 weeks ago), so I have tried to be as supportive as I could be and not pester him for sex or anything like that.

A couple of weeks ago (not long post birth) I found he’d been looking at loads of porn. Obviously, being at my most vulnerable and shittiest, this hurt, especially with his physical rejection of me. I could see that he was just flicking through the images, so (stupidly) was reassured by his excuses that he was just looking at all these to try and get some of his libido back, he felt like it was something else he failing me at, etc. Apparently he couldn’t even get excited enough then. Anyway, he promised not to do it again, and hasn’t. (I have had a good snoop on the computer, so know this is true.)

And then I discover this. I am repulsed at the complete cunty fuckbadger.
He was on the site, arranging a meeting a week after our first scan. And again a week before our daughter was born.

He has denied actually following through with these meetings and I believe him (not least because he couldn’t perform and there is no feedback on Adultwork or confirmation of anything), not that it matters really.

He has emailed and texted me (which I’ve not replied to), admitting he has fucked up massively, declares his love and states he would never actually cheat on me. I saw in his eyes how much he loved me, so cannot comprehend how he could hurt me so much and throw it all away for something like that.

I kicked him out as soon as I found out, and for the kids, am managing to maintain my “keeping-my-shit-together” mode, but dying inside.

I am utterly broken. Tell me I’ll be OK.

What do I do about access to my daughter now? Having his grimy hands holding her little body while he plays the perfect dad makes my skin crawl, but I can't deny him access.
Unfortunately I have had to change to bottle feeding so I can't even use that as an excuse.

What you saw in his eyes wasn't love, it was the look someone gets when they implore for mercy. It's not the same thing.

I'm glad you've found more history of AW use so he can't slime his way into conning you whilst you're vulnerable with a new baby.

Stay strong love

So sorry OP. Don't feel humiliated you have done nothing wrong. Sounds like you are being amazingly strong.

It sounds like a bit of an addiction with him
Some people compulsively check face book
Others compulsively check adultwork

I suppose its the sexual gratification combined with the thrill of a secret life, and the power rush that comes from buying sex?

I don't think you can even begin to compare being a bit obsessed with Facebook to using prostitutes behind your wife's back, glassgarden

I would tell him to stop messaging you as this is turning into harassment. And I would also advise an STI test for you too. The best way to get over him is to have no contact.

Are there family nearby who could help with contact? You do not want him coming to your home. Contact should never take place in your home, he does not set foot over the threshold ever.

I understand why you're offended Cahrinha

However my point is that to men who are into this kind of thing constantly checking adultwork is just a normal everyday thing

Remember, explanation is not tantamount to exoneration

I'm more bemused than offended.
Yes, my husband used AW to cheat on my with about as much moral self examination as he would for posting on Facebook.
Don't see how the "explanation" is useful here, that's all.

You have no evidence here to say that regular use of AW is "a bit of an addiction" rather than simply the act of a selfish indecent arsehole booking women for sex because he wants to.

It wears a bit thin when you're in this position of friends and family saying "do you think it was a bit of an addiction?"

Why can't people just accept that some men are just total arseholes?

When I told people, I didn't want their uninformed armchair psychology trying to explain it. I just wanted them to say "fucking hell, what a cunt he is".

Sorry glasshouse I think I'm sounding more aggressive in type than I actually feel and mean to!

It's just that having been through this, I can't tell you how exasperating I have found it that almost everyone I told wanted to air the "addiction" theory, and most of those (really, most) seemed to forget that there was a betrayed human being standing in front of then who simply wasn't the best audience for their theorising.

Talking to friends, it seems there are two different responses:

• my husband had an affair
• OMG what an arsehole

• my husband booked a prostitute
• ooooooh, do you think it's an addiction?

You can imagine which one feels more immediately supportive.

To all the people who have asked me why I think he did it, started theorising I have said "I don't know, I don't care, I don't need his grubby reasons in my head thanks - and it doesn't excuse it".

I know it doesnt excuse it Cabrina and I wasn't intending to make light of it

Thanks for your replies. I certainly do not feel strong, but am so consumed by anger and disbelief (as well as looking after the kids) that I haven't had chance to breakdown properly.

And Cabrinha in case you were in any doubt, yes your husband was a complete cunt!

Have told him to collect the rest of his stuff on Tuesday where I shall place it all on the front lawn and go out to the shops.

Will email him later and say stop harassing me, only contact me about access to our daughter. I think I'll just have to meet him on the doorstep with her already in her pram and then he can go straight out for a walk or sit in McDonald's with all the other weekend dads. 3 hours sound reasonable?

Concrete I'm so impressed - you're doing exactly the right thing. I'm sorry he turned out to be such an arse, stay strong, and don't let him start chatting when he picks her up!

Ok, he came and collected the rest of his stuff, looking like a total wreck, shaking and very pitiful. He said went to the doctors who got him an emergency appointment with a psychologist. Apparently he is addicted to porn/other pervy things and previously unthought of addictive traits like this can manifest during severe depression.
Not sure how he managed to get an appointment that quickly, but I suppose it could be true.
He is still emailing me with love and explanations, but I am beginning to see how they truly are - self-centred and full of excuses.
I am still so angry though and looking and thinking, which just hurts me further.

Hmm - the old porn addict excuse. That old chestnut. Call me cynical but this is just part of the script. How convenient that it is an addiction, couldn't possibly be his own fault could it. Talk about placing the blame elsewhere rather than at his own feet.

Summer, that is kind of what I was thinking. He used to often use his poor communication issues as an excuse for things, but this is a new one.
I do think he has a problem though (internet history shows loads of porn for hours at a time, but just flicking through images quickly and not focussing on one thing).
His internet shows bookmarks for lots of dodgy porn sites going back years and years, so this is obviously not something new.
Also appears that he has lied about loads of other stuff too. Some of it just stupid things. What the hell is that all about?

He is just a liar then. No other excuse. I am afraid porn use alone would be enough reason for me to ditch, regardless of anything else. Foul.

I think you should put his name on the BC, but still give her your surname. You don't need a blank or 'father unknown' when you know who it is.

When you're claiming child support... he'll want to be on her BC and he has a right to be. That doesn't mean that you are taking him back or that you think he's a good partner. it's just acknowledging he's her father.

He's a crappie partner to say the least, but he's not a rapist or paedophile. Your DD has the right to know who he is and to develop a relationship with him.... but you should never get back with him.

Otherwise you'll likely end up having to get a paternity test done.... causing unecessary delay.

With reference to Lillygolightlys post about how Adultwork works. A fee is not taken by adultwork for services offered. Ladies (escorts) post an ad on there for free and pay for certain things like being able to add there phone number. Some guys book through the booking system some don't, but regardless no money is taken for that booking by Adultwork. A guy doesn't even have to be registered to contact the Escort if their number is displayed, they only have to register if they want to message the escort via the system or put in a booking request. Many don't register for obvious reasons. So there doesn't have to be any confirmation or review for him to have gone through with it. There are guys on there that don't book, there are guys on there that book and don't turn up but I would say if he's made the effort to sign up that he's also made the effort to go through with it. Sorry

well done, keep him out...get tested at your 6 week check up just to be on the safe side , stay strong, you have done the right thing, and you will be ok.

So impressed you've kicked him out op! You've done the right thing. Try not to have any contact with him apart from when he's dropping off/picking up the DC.

Thanks you all your support and advice, my lovelies.
I will update properly this weekend, but I'm in a rush now.
In short though, I never put him on the BC as he hasn't seen LO since we split, and although unfortunately I still love and miss the fuckwad, I am so sure I made the right decision and there is no turning back, ever.

Got to dash - getting ready to go on my first night out since I gave birth!