Help!! Jealous grandmother

[colinsmommy]

My MIL has just stormed out of here in a huff, driving 200 miles back home after less than 24 hours. She says my 9-mo old "hates" her. While this is not true, she is the only person, including strangers, that he cries at when they try to hold him. I think there are 2 problems. One being she is very awkward with him and always looks uncomfortable when she holds him. I think he picks up on that. The other is we moved down here where my FIL and his wife are (away from her)when I was pregnant. I think she feels that we are taking his "side", wanting to be closer to him than her. What really happened was that my husband's company asked him to move down here, and although we wouldn't have done it if I wasn't pregnant, it was the best thing to do for the baby, which we told her before we moved. She is very jealous of the time that they spend with him. However, I don't think telling her she is awkward with the baby or resentful of us being closer to my FIL is going to start a productive conversation. Any ideas of what to say to her? Thanks.

message withdrawn

She is being so childish and unreasonable! Is she always like this? Obviously she feels insecure about her place in her son's family but she is hardly, as you say, doing much to improve things, is she? What would you like to happen? Do you like her? What's your husband's relationship with her like?
She is being breathtakingly stupid. Of course a nine month old baby can't hate anyone - at that age he can't can't the slightest idea that his crying will upset anyone - he is signalling his own discomfort, that's all.
Me? I'd probably leave it. Let your dh talk to her if he wants. I don't think she's worth the bother, but I do realise I sound harsh. I think the ball is in her court. You've done nothing wrong.

Just out of interest, has ahe always been this childish and unreasonable? The reason I ask is that my mother started to behave like this when she started to develop dementia (don't want to worry you and sorry if I have). My mother was always a 'difficult' person but things became much worse when she started to have mini strokes that caused her dementia.

i think for baby hates her maybe read she feels you don't like her or she wants to be reassured that you do miss her and want her there. Don't know how old she is but i guess she had a long journey and built the trip up in her head to something exciting which babies never manage to be a the right time. I will try and think of something helpful. It's always stresssful having mums pils etc to stay because you're all trapped together. i f she was nearer much easier to smooth things over. Unless reason to think otherwise I'd be a bit generous, but then i'm a new granny

I get along much better with her than I do my own mother. She hasn't really been like this until we came down here. She and my husband are very close, but he's not a mama's boy or anything. My husband is really annoyed with the way she has been acting lately, 'cause she says she wants to see the baby, but when she gets here, she never does anything with him, she always wants us to get someone to watch him so we can go golfing or something.

HMB-your post really made me think. I've been noticing that I will call and talk to her, and then she will call my husband at night and ask him all the same questions. Or she will call one day and I will call the next, and she tells me what she did the day before, like she didn't even remember she had talked to me. I used to get mad, thinking she didn't trust what I was saying, but she has never been one to tell the same story over and over. I brought this up to my husband, but he says that she has just been drinking. (She's had a bit of a problem with this lately) Makes me wonder if I should be more insistent on this with him.

I'm sorry if I have given you something else to worry about

We only realised that Mum's behaviour was due to the dementia when she had got a lot worse. Then we could look back and things clicked into place.

My mother has mini strokes that leave her more and more demented. The reason for this is that she has had badly controled high blood pressure.

Looking back she started by having wildly over the top reactions to things, very child like in fact. The thing that you said that rang a bell with me was that she stormed out of your house. My mother threatened to do this to me. She had visited for xmas, dd and I were very ill with the'flu and she was *horrid8 to me. When I asked her to ease off as I felt so ill she threatened to leave.

Then she bagan to repeat herself badly, asking the same questions over and over again. She began to forget that she had spoken to people, visited people twice or three times in one day. In the end she started to fail to recognise people, and at this stage we realised that things were getting out of hand and we had to get social services involved (eg she tried to throw me out of the house as she had no idea who I was)

Each time she got worse she had had a fall immediatly before. In retrospect we realised it was mini strokes

I'm rambling and I hope that I haven't alarmed you, but I thought you might be helped to see the pattern that my mother followed.

Hope that things get better.

No, thank you very much. I already had that in the back of my mind, but didn't put the two together till your post, which, I have found to be very comforting and helpful. It makes me feel less angry toward her and more understanding. I only worry because she was dating someone about 2 years ago that ended up being diagnosed with dimentia, and was in a very early stage and able to function mostly normally still. She broke it off with him because even in that state, it was too much for her to handle. TBH, I don't know if I can get her or my husband to look into dimentia as a possibility. He's a great person, but can't ever see the signs of anyone around him being sick, because it worries him too much, and she is just too stubborn.

I wish I had realised the cause of my Mother's awful behaviour, as it would have made it easier to cope with.

I hope that it isn't the case for your MIL and that things get better soon.

Thanks, hmb. I guess I am kind of reacting like maybe that is the case, but we just don't know, do we. At any rate, I feel less angry with her now, so that has helped. Still wish I knew how to approach her, but it looks like it is stumping quite a lot of people right now. I think I am going to pass this one off to my husband, poor man.

You beat me to it, hmb. I remember one of my friends complaining to me about how awful her MIL was, she had done some really hurtful things, rejecting advances from her grandchildren. I was appalled to, but thought it sounded unusually OTT. The following week she was diagnosed with a brain tumour that was causing dementia. Like you and hmb, my friend found it far easier to be understanding and sympathetic once she knew that her MIL couldn't help it.

I have always found my fil a little 'odd'. He is a very clever man but prone to having to have the last word which has bordered on him seeming beligerant at times lately. His behaviour has been more and more erratic and demanding over the last two years to the point where I have put my foot down and said no to going on holiday with them.

My dh has found the situation with his dad difficult as his dad has always been a little unusual. As an outsider to the family, my dh found it very dis-loyal to listen to my concerns about his dad. The last time he was here, we kept losing him in shops as he would just hare off with no idea at all where anyone else was. He seemed in a tremendous rush all the time but achieved very little every day.

My mil confided to me that she was dreading his retirement as he is so demanding.

Just before Xmas, he had a total nervous breakdown. It was the best thing ever. He now is getting some much needed talking therapy and is 'under the doctor' for the first time in 40 years. He is now able to talk about how he feels out of control about aspects of his life and about how that translated into totally unreasonable controlling behaviour.

Anyway, I had written off my fil as he just seemed to be getting worse and worse and was a severe pain to be around. I am so glad that something snapped to show the real him trapped inside.

It may be that you mil is drinking to help her cope with her own emotional and not physical problems. Either way, I hope that the situation comes to a head soon as it is much, much easier to deal with the known rather that someone just being odd.

My grandmother also has dementia. Hers started with very anxious behaviour- around the same time as forgeting everything. My grandfather had just died and my mother put it down to grief. I remember once watching a tv programme at xmas and 3 times within 10 minutes she said "that's liverpool cathedral- I went there once with Agnes". She's also always been quite difficult and highly strung so at first her behaviour just seemed a more extreme version of her.

It was very difficult for a lot of her family to accept that she had dementia, but whe everyone did things did start to become easier.

Oddly enough, Jimjams, this all started with my Mum when my Father was dying of cancer and we put it down to stress. She held it together until he died and then things got a lot worse.

Wow, you leave for an hour, and get more posts. Thanks. Jimjams, how interesting.my MIL has been very anxious lately, too, which is totally opposite from her very laid-back, open-minded personality. She has been very focused on her mortality and if anyone will miss her when she is gone.

Could I ask how long your MIL & FIL have been separated? Just that if it's fairly recently then probably th reason behind her behaviour than if it were a long time ago. On the other hand she may never have gotten over it and feels alone, hence the reason for wanting to do things with you rather than the baby - stuff that makes her feel normal and human, a person, rather than just a Gran.

How old is she ColinsMummy? menopausal hormones a possibility?

They have been separated for about 17 years. She is 65 past hormones, I think. I feel like absolute s* right now, my husband and I had to go up there to tell her that his brother died. She is absolutely devestated (not to mention my husband and FIL), and I feel so petty right now.

Blimey! Nothing like a brick on your head to bring it all into perspective. Be calm CM and I'll be thinking of you.

Hugs to you, cm. Hope you're all ok.

Goodness- what happened?

Colinsmommy, I'd like to express my sympathy to you and your dh family. xx

Thank you all. My brother-in-law's house caught fire, and he was out in the middle of nowhere, so it was a long time before anyone reported it. By the time firefighters got there, there wasn't much of him left. He was a VERY messed up person, but the sad thing is he had finally got his life together, and has been doing well for over a year. I guess the good thing that came out of it is that my MIL and FIL decided to quit their feuding and resentment for each other for my husband's sake, and that was the best thing that they could have done for him.

How awful for you all colinsmommy. Thinking about you.

How terrible for you. So sorry to hear that. Hugs to all.

Thanks Bozza and Kit.