Help!! Jealous grandmother

[colinsmommy]

My MIL has just stormed out of here in a huff, driving 200 miles back home after less than 24 hours. She says my 9-mo old "hates" her. While this is not true, she is the only person, including strangers, that he cries at when they try to hold him. I think there are 2 problems. One being she is very awkward with him and always looks uncomfortable when she holds him. I think he picks up on that. The other is we moved down here where my FIL and his wife are (away from her)when I was pregnant. I think she feels that we are taking his "side", wanting to be closer to him than her. What really happened was that my husband's company asked him to move down here, and although we wouldn't have done it if I wasn't pregnant, it was the best thing to do for the baby, which we told her before we moved. She is very jealous of the time that they spend with him. However, I don't think telling her she is awkward with the baby or resentful of us being closer to my FIL is going to start a productive conversation. Any ideas of what to say to her? Thanks.

Sorry, I mean Kitt.

Hi colinsmommy,

How are you all doing? Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Thanks maomao. It is hard because my BIL was not a very good person, and for some reason people are telling me things he did, and they would only hurt the in-laws and my husband, so I have been keeping them inside, which I am not used to. I feel very guilty for being mad at him, and wish I didn't feel that way. The in-laws say he was a very private person, and didn't know anything about him, but he has told so many other people in this town about his life. He has a child he never told them about, and that just tears me up inside. Sorry for ranting. I'll stop now.

It's hard to keep such deep things from people, isn't it? Please, rant away --- might do you some good.

Does your husband have any inkling of some of these things? Do you think that your inlaws might find out about some of them, if the whole town knows?

Yes he does, but I dont know if it would make him worse to hear more. I don't think the in-laws would know, because noone wants to hurt them. The rest of the family (aunts uncles) have known for a long time and not said anthing.

Can you talk with aunts and uncles then, just so that it's not so burdensome on you? I'm sorry, I'm not being much help!

No, you're being lots of help. It seems to me that lots of people know parts of his life. I would talk with my husband's stepmother, but she can't keep anything from my FIL. We found papers in my BIL's car that showed that he must have gotten arrested again for drunk driving. In those papers we found he put he was raised by european parents, that he said he didn't have a drinking problem, he only drank when the family upset him, family was a hinderance rather than a help, etc. We burnt the papers, but she still told him the part about how he must have been arrested again. The family doesn't know lots of things I know, although maybe they do. The aunt that I am close to is in China right now, so I guess I will just have to wait for her to come back. It has helped a little just typing here.

I kept things from my exboyfriend's family after he committed suicide in order to spare them any additional pain, and sometimes wonder whether I did the right thing. But in your case, I would say that you are.

CM, sorry it's been such a turbulent time for all of you. I wonder why people feel the need to unburden themselves on you. Grief and death make people do really strange things. I just wish that people gave more thought to how it might affect you.

What a horrible burden for you Maomao, I wish that I had seen your post earlier. Thank you for your thoughts. I have been feeling really down this morning, and your words (among other things) have really helped me realize that there is nothing I can do except move on. I have always thought that it would be terrible to be like the in-laws who didn't seem to see the issues that my BIL was having, but I can see now, that maybe ignorance is better. I just hope I never have to go through the same thing with my child. TBH, that is probably what bothers me the most.

I bet you did the right thing, too. How did you cope? Are you doing better now?

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been so down this morning. You're right that you need to move on, but in a way that is good for you. I know that sounds stupidly obvious, but I found that I wanted desperately to move on, and yet at times I was just unable to, and I had to learn to cut myself some slack, so to speak.

Thanks for being so considerate, CM . I'm sure that must be why people feel the need to confide in you about your BIL, as difficult as it is for you....

Thanks, maomao. Actually today is starting go get better. It is the first "back to normal" day we've had around here, which has done wonders. I think being back on our routine helps. We have other stuff this afternoon when he wakes up from his nap (we're 8 hours behind the time this site is set to). You're right, can't expect to deal with everything at once. Appreciate the advice.

So glad that things are starting to look up for you today!

Ah, you must be Pacific Time then. Where are you, if you don't mind my asking? Are you anywhere where you could send me some Peet's coffee?

Yep. I am in Southern Oregon in a little town called Grants Pass. I've never heard of Peets coffee, but I hate coffee. There are coffee stands everywhere here, I will have to investigate for you. It is always great to have a mission!!