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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WTF is his problem?

39 replies

SunLolly · 04/05/2016 16:32

Sometimes, my husband and I have stupid arguments over nothing, here is a recent example:

In a (not huge) shop both browsing upstairs, I am looking for furniture.
I sit down on a sofa for 5 minutes or so, while looking through book of fabric samples.

Meanwhile husband is finished browsing, spends time looking for me but can’t find me. Rings my phone (I’ve left it at home) ends up waiting at the door.
I go to look for him to show him the sofa. Find him. He is FUMING: Where have I been? He has been looking EVERYWHERE for me, he was about to ask the shop to put out a tannoy announcement etc. etc

I explain I was sat on a sofa where he left me, apologise for not having phone. He’s not having it, still ranting on, feels he has been made to look stupid. Doesn’t want to look at the sofa. Furious that I didn’t bring my phone – tells me to act like an adult. Speaking to me really aggressively and being really rude. Takes about 5 minutes for him to calm down and admit he's behaving like a prick.

This sort of thing is rare and when he does get like this I always try to calm him down, but it pisses me off – why should I be apologising, speaking to him nicely and trying to placate him when he’s the one acting like a complete dick! Really I should reply in the manner he speaks to me, but I know this would just make him more cross at the time.

Fair enough, I do quite often forget my phone, but what was the deal with the huge overreaction in this particular situation? Why does he get so cross about things like this, and why can’t he accept an apology and calm down straight away?

I can't imagine getting so cross over something so minor, and would certainly never speak to him the way he does to me if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
PirateFairy45 · 04/05/2016 16:34

Sounds like my OH. Except mine doesn't calm after a few mins. So no advice but good luck.

blindsider · 04/05/2016 16:35

So it is your fault that your husband is blind??

Original poster
SunLolly · 04/05/2016 16:38

Thank you :) Really he has got a lot better over the years and I can't remember the last time he acted like this before the most recent occasion.

He apologised afterwards and admits his behaviour was shit, but I would love to know how to stop this sort of thing in the first place. I am pregnant and will not accept our child witnessing the horrible atmosphere when it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunLolly · 04/05/2016 16:40

Also, I've made it clear to him that while I will make more of an effort to have my phone on me, I'm not going to be freaking out if I do forget it sometimes and won't accept this crap if he can't reach me another time.

OP posts:
Oddsocksgalore · 04/05/2016 16:42

My ex husband used to be like this.

If it's happening more now that your pregnant then you have a much bigger problem.

Oddsocksgalore · 04/05/2016 16:43

Your already jumping through hoops.

I bet the next time your out together and you reali you have forgotten your phone your heart will sink.

Original poster
SunLolly · 04/05/2016 16:43

This is the first time he has been like this during my pregnancy, and I am now 7 months - it's definitely not becoming more frequent.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunLolly · 04/05/2016 16:44

So have I just married a total douchebag or is there hope for him?

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/05/2016 16:48

Agree with oddsock this is a worrying escalation given you're pg.

Go absolutely hard on this and zero tolerance. He stops treating you like this or he goes. Today.

make damned sure he knows you mean every single word of it, or your child will be witnessing far worse than raised voices.

Your child can already hear what's going on outside, and will already learn that daddy shouts and scares mummy. The adrenaline that is released when he does this will course through her veins too.

Zero tolerance.

MyLittleFinger · 04/05/2016 16:53

Another one here with an EX husband who was like that... Fine until the baby came along then he had to know where I was at all times, even if I was five minutes late back from work there had to be a minute by minute account of what I had been doing. That's one reason why he's an ex husband.

Nip this in the bud now. Absolute zero tolerance.

Jan45 · 04/05/2016 16:53

Not your job to police your OHs behaviour, it is indeed zero tolerance OP, he does it because he can and has a lack of respect for you, bet he doesn't do it to anyone else.

I'd lay down the law here, next time he's out, no way should you be embarrassed and mortified by an adult acting like a child.

Hissy · 04/05/2016 16:54

The only hope you have is in hitting this hard now and refusing to put up with a single minute more of this crap. If he rants don't placate, don't smooth, just leave him where he is and go home if you're out. Go out (no phone) if you're in.

Crack this nut with a sledgehammer

Otherwise no, there's no hope.

OSETmum · 04/05/2016 17:16

I think there's something in the water, everyone's husbands seem to be acting like arses this week (including mine) 😟

Original poster
SunLolly · 04/05/2016 17:16

Thank you - you are right he doesn't act like this with anyone else, and I didn't think about the baby being able to hear already. I will be having a talk with him tonight.

OP posts:
Perbsy · 04/05/2016 17:46

Well I have some sympathy with your DH I'm afraid, I've got on a bus and gone home when in the same position.

It's infuriating when you can't reach someone and you can't find them.

Hissy · 04/05/2016 17:56

Infuriating? What like when you lose your mum in a supermarket infuriating? Throw a strop? Shout and stamp your feet?

Ffs, it does not deserve a telling off, being agression or even angry, certainly not rude.

If you identify with the h Perbsey, and worse think anyone is entitled to rage at an adult like this, you need to have a serious think about what you're doing and ideally address it in therapy.

Marchate · 04/05/2016 17:57

OP, read as much as you can about abuse starting/escalating during pregnancy

Be very careful. It can be a dangerous time, psychologically if not physically

Jan45 · 04/05/2016 17:59

Sympathy for an adult acting like an arsehole and embarrassing you - dearie me.

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:18

Really I should reply in the manner he speaks to me, but I know this would just make him more cross at the time.

So you walk on eggshells because you fear his reaction if you stand up for yourself ?

Oh dear

JillianLovestheBeebs · 04/05/2016 19:24

I'd be pretty annoyed with you if you didn't bring your phone with you and then wandered off without agreeing a meet up place.

Would any of this have happened if you had brought your phone, like 99.99% of other people would have done?

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:26

she didn't "wander off" she was still in the same shop

AnyFucker · 04/05/2016 19:27

and not everyone is attached to their phone, 24/7

neither dh or I would blink twice if this happened

Buggers · 04/05/2016 19:28

Very OTT reaction. He did this when you were pregnant with his child? Confused

Blomme · 04/05/2016 19:33

It doesn't really matter if you forgot your phone or what the small spark was, it's a totally unacceptable way to behave towards the mother of his unborn child.
Zero tolerance. May be worth pointing out that he may be damaging your baby by causing you stress.

Perbsy · 04/05/2016 19:35

She was sitting on a sofa and he couldn't see her, how did he know she hadn't left the shop?

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