Have I made the right choice between two girls?

[Pantana90]

Hey everyone, I hope someone can help me with a bit of stress I have been going through lately. To give you some background information - I am 26 year old guy who has only been in one serious relationship. It lasted four years and I was dumped out of the blue two years ago and I was left absolutely heart-broken. I no longer speak to my ex.

After this happened, I went and had quite a bit of "fun" as a single guy and went from one fling to another. However, I never felt comfortable with these and if I am totally honest, I was only dating in the hope of getting sex. Once I got it, I usually got bored and made an excuse to end the flings - much to the disappointment of some of the girls.

Eights months after my ex broke up with me, my mum passed away. She had cancer and was just 47. Needless to say, this was so much to deal with in such a short space of time. The two women in my life who I truly loved and cared for were gone. I took a break from dating after mum died...around six months of no dates. Just had some "me" time to get my head straight.

At the start of 2016, I started dating again and once more I find my head in a screwed up place. I met a girl on a dating website and at first we agreed to keep it quite casual, which it was. However after a while it was becoming obvious to me that she was starting to develop more serious feelings. We would hang out and have a good time doing things like eating out, drives etc. She is a wonderfully generous and thoughtful person. 100% genuine and seems to care for me greatly. She has told me she really likes me and although I do like her - I am not sure I feel AS strongly. It has only been about two months since we started seeing each other.

In last few weeks, I started talking to another girl who also has all of these same qualities. If I am honest, I probably find this other girl a bit more attractive but I haven't known her as long. She is foreign and I don't know how long she would stay in UK as she is just new here. She isn't sure herself. In perhaps a rash and stupid move, I told the first girl I have been talking about that we should just be friends. I now question my decision. She was hurt but I know the door isn't completely closed and we could see each other again. Have I made the right choice? I feel guilty because she's such a good person who I care for a lot.

Why do I struggle to stick to a relationship these days? Would it have anything to do with the pain I suffered with my mum's passing and break-up? My thoughts now are to maybe spend a bit more time with the foreign girl and if I still have doubts I might try to go back to the other girl. Does anyone have any thoughts on my situation? Any help or advice would be greatly apprciated.

Help not hello!!!

because I don't think I have seen one thread on MN in recent months where a man who has opted to use the word "girl" or "girls" hasn't been pounced on.

Good.

erm, you brought the issue up when you first admonished the OP

I brought up the OP's use of the word girls when he was discussing women on the thread where he had used it. I brought up no such issue with all grown men using a term that hadnt been used on the thread. Not sure why you have chosen to address me wrt behaviour you would like all grown women to adjust and not sure why you adressed me on a thread where no such term had been used.

If you have a problem with grown women using the term boyfriend then address them directly when you see them using it. Dont approach random people who you have never seen use the term and ask that they ensure all grown women do as you ask. How odd.

You know, I am honestly trying to imagine a situation where I had a psychological issue that I thought was preventing me from leading a fulfilling emotional life so I joined a 98% male internet forum and asked its members to explain my own state of mind to me.

This isn't even one of those 'I'm a man, and I don't understand women, so can you explain my wife's behaviour, o women of the internet?' This is 'I don't understand myself, despite being the one actually living my life and inhabiting my head, so I'm going to ask a bunch of internet strangers who've never met me why I'm fickle!'

Or is it, OP, that you think we're going to explain why neither 'girl 1' nor 'girl 2' is quite wondrous enough to capture your attention?

Please stop playing around with these women. They're not toys.

Oh, and I agree with the use of 'girl' for adult women being infantilising.

It's not accurate to correlate it with he use of 'boyfriend' - the equivalent of 'boyfriend' is 'girlfriend' not 'girl'. I can't think of two many Mn posters in their mid to late 20s coming on the relationships board posting about their dating difficulties with 'boy 1' and 'boy 2'

I think the op wants a self indulgant therapy session.

Kimon I just came on to post "well you seem an extremely self centred sort of a fellow don't you?"

. You beat me to it.

I think everyone is a little self-centred when are trying to work out what they want in a relationship. However, to use that statement in a whitewash form isn't correct of the situation, or me as a person.

I think people are being a bit harsh. The OP is only 26, many people are still just finding their way at that age. The issue is that other people are getting hurt as a result of his indecision. OP, I think you should stop dating for a while. Stop worrying about finding the perfect woman. Without being unkind, I think you need to grow up a bit. If and when you meet the right person, you'll know.

Spankhurst: "Stop worrying about finding the perfect woman."
That's exactly what I have been trying to do. I pick faults too easily. it's awful.

I don't understand why I need to "grow up" - in what way? I can't understand why I seem immature

Honestly it's cliche but when you meet the right person you'll want to settle down. Don't stress it.

I don't see the problem with you seeing how things go with girl 2 but if your not as interested in girl 1 as she is you I think it would be kinder to leave her be.

Date, have fun. It'll figure itself out. Don't get stressed about it there is nothing wrong with you.

Should have said though - you need to be honest with the people you are dating. Don't lead them on.

My thoughts now are to maybe spend a bit more time with the foreign girl and if I still have doubts I might try to go back to the other girl.

Answer me this -

Just who the FUCK do you think you are??

I hope they both sack you off.

You are still young don't stress. If you have to ask which woman is right then the answer is neither.I think you know when you meet the right person and your 20's is about growing as a person.I think this development continues until late 20's or even closer to 30.

It's not essential to have a relationship, it's much better to be single and choosy than think you need to settle.Your mum was young so I know the shock that can come from that, it does make you question life and perhaps you feel time could run out for you.Or you are looking to have the close bond with another woman.

Don't force any feelings, trust that you haven't found the right woman.My advice would be to get off dating sites, pursue hobbies and your career and you are more likely to find a better match

"I think everyone is a little self-centred when are trying to work out what they want in a relationship. "

Of course they are OP. People are strategic. It's perfectly natural and you're just getting a hard time on here cos you're a bloke and many women here have been on the receiving end of this "indecisive can't commit" treatment. Pay them no mind and just listen to me ....

Life is half practical, half emotional. You seem to feel more emotion for the foreign woman but it is less practical. See how it pans out and if the two of are right for each other then the practicalities can be sorted.

Release the first woman from her pain and leave her be. If you get back with her then the reasons why you felt something was missing will still be there. You won't be happy and neither will she be.

You're not a bad person for being strategic over your love life, but at the same time you need to treat her fairly and not mess with her mind.

I disagree with people who say, if you meet the right person you'll want to settle down. Some people can't recognise "the right person" or sabatogue a relationship before it's had a chance to even start, because they're afraid of being hurt so defends mechanisms kick in.
OP, sounds like fear of abandonment to me and will cause you to keep your distance from women by fault finding, criticising, withdrawing etc until it's dealt with.
Wanting to figure out your issues isn't self centred or selfish. On the contrary it's surely being considerate to others, because you want to grow up and stop repeating patterns that are destructive both to yourself and others.

Also, what Theydontknowweknow said.

Christ, what a load of self indulgent wank

You come over as immature because teenagers are often very inward-looking and can't be in a relationship of any depth because their main preoccupation is themselves. As you get older and hopefully more mature, you stop needing to think about yourself so much and work out who you are, and begin to find fulfilment in caring for someone else and responsible stuff like that. You're still at the stage where you're like a kid in a sweet shop. It doesn't occur to you to care for these people and you need to talk about yourself so much that it's clear these women wouldn't be ending up with a capable, man who knows who he is and what he wants. You've given the impression that your maturity level is about the casual dating stage, not the caring deeply for someone else stage. Perhaps you've gone backwards as a result of grief etc and need to recalibrate your place in relation to everyone else on the planet...I don't know. You need to get off dating sites because it will play to your selfishness and sweetshop problem - seriously, it could destroy any chance you have of ending up a decent bloke.

Just think about what a nice committed family man is like and think about you trying to choose between two girls like they're trainers, picking faults and agonising over your feelings. You must see how you come across as not quite ready to choose anything but trainers!

I was in the caring deeply for someone else stage for many years and it left me with a broken heart.
I think I need to "man up" and realise that I can't have my cake and eat it all the time. Once I get what I want, my brain starts to think "ok I would like to just be with myself now" and that is very selfish. My mum wouldn't like that of me.

Every choice you make has a sacrifice attached-nothing comes for free. So you weigh up the costs and make your mind up. Being a bit selfish, a bit lonely, a bit aimless and playing the field. Or considering someone else's needs as well as your own and committing yourself to learning how to care. Which is constraining and hard work.