Have I made the right choice between two girls?

[Pantana90]

Hey everyone, I hope someone can help me with a bit of stress I have been going through lately. To give you some background information - I am 26 year old guy who has only been in one serious relationship. It lasted four years and I was dumped out of the blue two years ago and I was left absolutely heart-broken. I no longer speak to my ex.

After this happened, I went and had quite a bit of "fun" as a single guy and went from one fling to another. However, I never felt comfortable with these and if I am totally honest, I was only dating in the hope of getting sex. Once I got it, I usually got bored and made an excuse to end the flings - much to the disappointment of some of the girls.

Eights months after my ex broke up with me, my mum passed away. She had cancer and was just 47. Needless to say, this was so much to deal with in such a short space of time. The two women in my life who I truly loved and cared for were gone. I took a break from dating after mum died...around six months of no dates. Just had some "me" time to get my head straight.

At the start of 2016, I started dating again and once more I find my head in a screwed up place. I met a girl on a dating website and at first we agreed to keep it quite casual, which it was. However after a while it was becoming obvious to me that she was starting to develop more serious feelings. We would hang out and have a good time doing things like eating out, drives etc. She is a wonderfully generous and thoughtful person. 100% genuine and seems to care for me greatly. She has told me she really likes me and although I do like her - I am not sure I feel AS strongly. It has only been about two months since we started seeing each other.

In last few weeks, I started talking to another girl who also has all of these same qualities. If I am honest, I probably find this other girl a bit more attractive but I haven't known her as long. She is foreign and I don't know how long she would stay in UK as she is just new here. She isn't sure herself. In perhaps a rash and stupid move, I told the first girl I have been talking about that we should just be friends. I now question my decision. She was hurt but I know the door isn't completely closed and we could see each other again. Have I made the right choice? I feel guilty because she's such a good person who I care for a lot.

Why do I struggle to stick to a relationship these days? Would it have anything to do with the pain I suffered with my mum's passing and break-up? My thoughts now are to maybe spend a bit more time with the foreign girl and if I still have doubts I might try to go back to the other girl. Does anyone have any thoughts on my situation? Any help or advice would be greatly apprciated.

[Gazelda]

you don't seem to respect either of these women. Nor do you have a great deal of self-respect. I'd concentrate on working on that for the time being.

[Pantana90]

Well I agree that I might have a somewhat immature attitude. But at least I can admit that I know I haven't been acting appropriately. I think it would be worse if I didn't think I was doing something wrong. I just don't know how to go about fixing this.
The first woman I do care for. I just didn't know if I was ready to take the "love" step. Hence why I made a move for someone else. I'll admit, I have a "grass is greener" frame of mind. It's pathetic. Not woe is me at all.

[Thefitfatty]

Does it matter? Given your issues I doubt either of them have any long term potential.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

1) you don't date girls, you date women

Fair play. Will grown women now stop referring to their male partners as 'boyfriends'?

[Stardust160]

Your not ready for a relationship if you keep reverting back to your ex for your behaviour. You need time to heal both from the ex and your mothers passing🌻 You will be better to have some time on your own and when your ready you won't question the relationship.

[QuimReaper]

It's ok to have fun, it's ok to be casual. As long as you are honest with the other person about your feelings and what you are looking for. They then have a choice whether that's what they want to or if it's not.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

You're not ready for anything serious - that's fine, and doesn't mean you have to be alone until you're ready for marriage. But you have to be honest with your potential partners about what you're up for, and you have to be prepared for a "no thanks" from them.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Will grown women now stop referring to their male partners as 'boyfriends'?

Are you asking all grown women to come here and respond to that? You do realise we arent all on this thread, right? You could mabe just tackle it where you see it, (which wasnt on this thread btw)

[Pantana90]

I see a common thread here is that i need to grow up. It's funny because a lot of people over the past year have complimented me on how wel I dealt with my break up and loss of my mum. And the maturity I showed throughout.

However, of course you are all correct. It doesn't give me the right to string others along or just use them while I figure out what I want. And the truth is, I don't know how to be happy in the way I was with my ex. That's probably the root of my destructive dating pattern. I am searching for what I had, which is the wrong move. I am never going to get the same thing, because it's impossible to duplicate it. I want a relationship and with the first woman I mentioned, this was the most I had cared for someone else since the break up. A step back is needed for now.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I think you need to just be single for a while. No dating. No casual sex. Genuinely just being on your own for a bit. Clear your head, maybe get some counselling, work out what you want from life, enjoy yourself - 26 is still pretty young so you don't need to rush into a serious relationship.

When the right woman comes along, you'll know about it. You won't be thinking of other girls then and you won't be questioning if they're right for you.

[LaConnerie]

I don't think you need to grow up, I think you just need to stop overthinking it.

You are clearly not ready for a serious relationship, but so what, you're only 26 - lots of men that age are just the same. Just have fun, shag around a bit, and as long as you're honest about your intentions, I don't see the problem.

[dowhatnow]

No1 isn't right or you wouldn't be having those thoughts, so don't ever think of going back to her. Better that you've ended it now rather than stringing her along. That shows you are a nice guy at heart. Of course there will be bits you miss about her otherwise you wouldn't have dated her in the first place, but she isnt for you. You never had those doubts with your ex did you?

No2 you could develop a relationship with but is it worth the potential heartbreak if she moves back home? Probably not a good idea given your past. You could let your head rule your heart in this case and avoid her too.

Your last option is finding a No3. I think this is the better course of action but i would consider some counselling if you can afford it. You've been through a lot and it won't hurt to talk it through with someone.

If you feel you really aren't ready for another serious relationship then continue having casual flings. You are still young. You don't need to be in a serious relationship, however please be honest with the girls and set them free if they are getting in too deep and you know there is no future - just like you've been nice enough to do with No1.

You know what a good relationship is like. You will find another like that. It didn't work out last time but the next one might but you have to have healed first as a pp said above. Please don't be afraid to trust again.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Are you asking all grown women to come here and respond to that?

Nope, but I think you know that

You do realise we arent all on this thread, right?

Really???

You could mabe just tackle it where you see it

Or maybe I could just not get in a twist over a turn of phrase that has widespread use in society by both adult men and women and carries no offensive or demeaning weight to it whatsoever, unless of course you are going out of your way to find offense.

[MarthaCliffYouCunt]

Or maybe I could just not get in a twist over a turn of phrase that has widespread use in society by both adult men and women and carries no offensive or demeaning weight to it whatsoever,

Whatever works for you. Seems easier than bringing it up on random threads where nobody has used the term and your required audience (all grown women) isnt present.

[arsenaltilidie]

FFS you are 26 not 36, dont tie yourself to either one of them. I would continue having fun, when the right girl comes along you will know.

[Wordsmith]

You're only 26, no harm in casual relationships as long as both partners are willing. But you can't hedge your bets with girl no 1 in case girl no 2 doesn't work out. Just be honest with her and say you're not ready to take things further. You sound like a nice guy so don't tread these girls as though they are on some sort of tasting menu.

[WriteforFun1]

It sounds to me like you want to be single and play the field. Why not just do that?

[Pantana90]

First off I want to thank everyone for their advice and viewpoints.

I did want to play the field and I have done that since my break up. I WANT a relationship but I am already letting it fail before it begins. I need to fix myself first.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Nothing wrong with being single and playing around. As long as the other party is aware of what you want.

Have you had a sexual health check recently?

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

Pan Thank you! I'm sorry Martha if you didn't like my comment but frankly it is becoming really rather silly now, because I don't think I have seen one thread on MN in recent months where a man who has opted to use the word "girl" or "girls" hasn't been pounced on. It just isn't necessary because not every man who comes on MN is being a goady fucker or means it in any derogatory sense whatsoever. But someone always makes it out to be that way. I am sure there are some men who mean it to be condescending but as Pan points out, in most cases it is merely an extension or short hand for "girlfriend".

Anyone can take offence at anything these days and it just becomes such a verbal minefield. I don't see men on here criticizing women for saying "he's gone out with the boys" or "a lads' night out". It just isn't necessary UNLESS the context is clearly 100% derogatory.

[RaeSkywalker]

Please don't mess any of these women about- I've been 'girl 1', and believe me it is horrible.

I think maybe take a step back from dating for a bit to work out what you want, and deal with any issues you may have. As others have said, it's ok to date casually as long as everyone is on the same page.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

I don't think maturity is a blanket quality. We can all be mature about some things while still being immature about others.

I agree that you're not ready for a committed relationship at this time. You shouldn't beat yourself up about that, or feel it's something that you should be doing and that you should try to commit. When you're ready and with the right person it will come naturally.

While you're not setting out to hurt anyone, you must be aware that your actions will cause upset. The way you talk about these two people is akin to getting a pair of new shoes, liking the look and the fit of them but then seeing different shoes and thinking they're a bit nicer looking and would also be a good fit ... but then you still like the first shoes.

You can muck around with people's feelings like that.

[KatharinaRosalie]

Of course it's possible that 'option one' would have been the right one for you and you would have lived happily ever after. But if this was the case, you would not have been looking around for alternatives. So either she's not what you are looking for, or you are simply not ready for a committed relationship (despite what you're saying). So it was the right decision to break it off with her, when you saw she wanted more than you can offer.

But don't mess 'girl one' around. She obviously cares way more than you do and it's not fair to string her along while you are checking if there's something better out there.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Whatever works for you. Seems easier than bringing it up on random threads where nobody has used the term and your required audience (all grown women) isnt present.

Erm, you brought the issue up when you first admonished the OP for his innocuous use of the term 'girls' , I was merely pointing out the absurdity of your perceived offence given that by your logic the term 'boys' should be equally objectionable yet it is a ubiquitous phrase on MN that I imagine goes largely un-policed by your good self.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I also think you were rushing your feelings a bit with girl one. It's great to set someone free if you can tell you're not feeling it early on but at the same time, it's not wrong to take a while to know if this is someone you love and are committed to. Just be honest about what you're offering so she can walk if she needs to (and hello her do this if you perceive you're not offering what she needs) and don't look over her shoulder while you are dating her.