EA parents - contemplating stopping contact

[MusicIsMedicine]

Currently preg with first baby and have had a huge battle since week 5 with Hyperemesis, several other medical issues flaring up and then later on, SPD. Into third trimester now and on bed rest a lot. There's been a lot of hospital stays in last six months because of the massive sickness.

My mum and dad have not visited me once (they live too far away is their excuse - 200 miles) and never bother to ask me how my hospital appointments are going or the wellbeing of their first GC.

They've always let me down and not been there but I had somehow thought now they might change or it would be different with their first grandchild on the way but no. Their behaviour has ruined what should have been one of the happiest times of my life.

The other day, I got a text off my mother suggesting that because I'm "in bed all the time" I won't be fit to look after a child and suggesting adoption!!!

No offers of help or support of any kind, just straight to giving my unborn baby away just because I'm having a very difficult pregnancy.

She's destroyed my confidence in myself and filled me full of doubt and fear about my ability to care for a baby and I've been constantly crying since and feeling extremely down.

I texted her back to say her comments were unacceptable and it was not on and I expected an apology. She turned it round and blamed me and refused to acknowledge how wrong it is to say these things. Then texted me the next day as if nothing had happened!

Has anyone here gone no contact with parents? I feel this is the final straw in a very long list of abusive behaviour and I've just had enough.

Thanks OnTheRise.

Still very sick, really struggling with it.

I am quite angry about them texting me so casually asking my due date, having ignored me for the whole pregnancy then demanding info by text, as if I'm some random stranger they barely know. It is just so impersonal. I don't want to discuss the birth of my first baby by text messaging, it's just weird.

They do this so when I draw boundaries, they can make me seem unreasonable. It is just so manipulative and odd.

I really feel quite angry and upset that they think it's ok to treat me like this.

And rightly so. You have every right to feel upset.
Please please ignore your toxic sister.
Yes she is a flying monkey and the best way to deal with them is ignore and block!
It's gonna be hard but please do it.

So I've been working on ignoring. No contact. The lack of apology around all the recent stuff and protecting my mental health was the tipping point.

These weeks of time and space have really given me thinking time and I've processed a lot. I can see how very wrong my mother (and sister's) behaviours are.

I don't want this toxic behaviour anywhere near my baby.

I got a text a few weeks ago from my mother after the adoption texts, as if nothing happened and then another yesterday informing me it's been weeks since she heard from me, is all good.

I'm gobsmacked at this acting as if nothing has happened and making out I've done something wrong by not being in contact!

Is this gaslighting?

She will no doubt be wringing her hands now over her errant daughter and telling my sister and others that she hasn't heard from me and how worried she is!!

How do I deal with this? Just focused on getting through the days with my preg sickness and preparing for baby. I'm not letting her ruin this any further for me.

I'm sorry I know this is really hard . The only things that's harder is actually keeping in contact with them .

Of course she is acting as if nothing has happened and that's it's your fault. Because in her head it IS your fault . She is writing the soap called Mary's Life ( or whatever her name is ) and you are an actor in it. You are refusing to play your part correctly and say the right lines .

Your question " does she think it's ok to treat me like this ? " doesn't even make sense to her . It's a nonsense question, because it assumes that you have feelings, view, opinions and a life of your own . She doesn't think of you like that .

You might as well ask " how does the chair feel about being sat on ? "

There's no moral right or wrong ( in her eyes ) about how she's treating you. So there's no point in discussing it with her or trying to get her to see your point of view . She won't EVER be able to do that . It woudl involve her changing her entire world view and revaluating everything she's ever thought , done and said in her whole life. It's just too enormous to even comtemplate .

The only way to deal with it is to ignore ignore and ignore.

You have to give up on the idea that you will be able to convince either her or the flying monkeys that you are right .

Yes, your mother will criticise you to everyone who will listen . That's how she's been controlling you for years . You have lived in fear of her criticism .

You can't stop her criticising you to other people .. All you can control is what you do and the environment in which your baby is brought up.

Kr1stina

Yay, I've learned how to do bold text! How insightful you are. I am starting to see how futile it is to keep thinking she will change, see my side, accept her role in things or dare I say it, apologise!

The texts are amping up in tone and urgency now, as if she's suddenly stamping her feet and I should immediately respond.

Now we're onto the guilt trips and she's a victim style texts, could you just text us you are ok etc. If she was really concerned wouldn't she be calling?

It's baffling that she's ignoring what she did previously and now acting as if nothing happened.

I could almost put money on it that I'll start getting the we're calling the police to report you missing texts soon.

There's lots of good advice upthread about how to deal with the threat of the police

Have you been keeping records of her calls and texts ? If not start today

Yes I have the texts.

I just can't get my head around the texts acting as if nothing happened. Is this gaslighting? It's just utterly bizarre.

It sounds very much like gas lighting OP.

Mine was exactly the same after outrageous behaviour around my cancer diagnosis a few years ago.

These women follow a script - and if you're emotionally and physically vulnerable they seem to be beyond themselves with excitement at really digging the knife in, to make it hurt x10.

I'm so sorry - it's utterly shit. You, on the other hand, sound great - you'll be a fab parent. Don't doubt yourself. And remember ALWAYS - it's not you, it's them.

You've got some lovely mumsnetters giving good advice.

It's absolutely not fair you got handed the rubbish parents card in the lottery of life. Lots of people on here have the same and its ok to be really ruddy angry about that!

I've had some spot on advice and support on here about my delightful mother.

Having a baby makes it easier to see how bad parents really were, as it makes you realise how helpless and vulnerable babies and children really are, and you were. It also helps because you feel your own maternal feelings and realise that you don't have it in you to behave as they did.

The birth, recovery and getting to grips with a surprisingly opinionated tiny person is quite enough without adding in cruel and upsetting people who will take away any confidence or centredness you are feeling.

I would suggest low or no contact so you can focus on you and your baby (& dp? Sorry I think you mentioned one but can't seem to see it now I look back!). This is a time of life where it is absolutely all about YOU, and you're terribly vulnerable in the early days. Protect and nurture yourself, and push any negative influences as far away as possible.

I'd say it's a really good time to disentangle yourself from your parents before the birth, as those threats about you being a bad mother set off all sorts of alarm bells for me. It's good she's given you a view into her nasty mind and nasty plans. And any claims about you 'not coping', mentally ill, being a bad mother, unsafe around baby, not bonding, yadda yadda yadda could become really scary once the baby is here, particularly if things aren't plain sailing at first.

She loses all credibility if she's not involved in the situation, and this is the best protection against her. So she tries to get social services or police thinking there's a terrible problem... But you've had to stop contact before baby seven here and she's never actually witnessed you with the baby, well in that scenario, it's instant disbelief and dismissal. Much easier than having to defend yourself about specific situations that have been fabricated / twisted by them, that they can say they witnessed.

Save all texts by the way. Good baclground to share if needed later x

Actually I don't think is it gas lighting , because that's when things are being done deliberately to make you think you are going mad .

( Not that the name matters that much, what's important is that it's crazy making )

IMO Your mother wasn't trying to drive you mad when she said these things.

She said them because she's trying to control you, to let you know how stupid and pathetic you are , not strong and brave like she was when was pg. just like you always are , which is why you need her to rule your life because you know nothing . You ARE nothing without her .

She need to put you down all the time to make herself feel better .

She's telling the truth when she says nothing happened . Because in her head it didn't . YOU think that these are outrageous things to say , people on Mm night agree.

But to her it's no big deal and you are completely over reacting, she was just speaking her mind. " After all it's the truth isn't it ? You were lying in bed all day " she would say .

She doesn't need to apologise ( in her mind ) because she's done nothing wrong , it's YOu that took it the wrong way , it's probably your hormones . If anything, you should be apologising to her !

This is how people like her think . They follow a scrip , just like philadering husbands. Not an original idea in their heads .

She will be very worried that you are not doing as you are told now. You near to prepare for her escalation .