EA parents - contemplating stopping contact

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Currently preg with first baby and have had a huge battle since week 5 with Hyperemesis, several other medical issues flaring up and then later on, SPD. Into third trimester now and on bed rest a lot. There's been a lot of hospital stays in last six months because of the massive sickness.

My mum and dad have not visited me once (they live too far away is their excuse - 200 miles) and never bother to ask me how my hospital appointments are going or the wellbeing of their first GC.

They've always let me down and not been there but I had somehow thought now they might change or it would be different with their first grandchild on the way but no. Their behaviour has ruined what should have been one of the happiest times of my life.

The other day, I got a text off my mother suggesting that because I'm "in bed all the time" I won't be fit to look after a child and suggesting adoption!!!

No offers of help or support of any kind, just straight to giving my unborn baby away just because I'm having a very difficult pregnancy.

She's destroyed my confidence in myself and filled me full of doubt and fear about my ability to care for a baby and I've been constantly crying since and feeling extremely down.

I texted her back to say her comments were unacceptable and it was not on and I expected an apology. She turned it round and blamed me and refused to acknowledge how wrong it is to say these things. Then texted me the next day as if nothing had happened!

Has anyone here gone no contact with parents? I feel this is the final straw in a very long list of abusive behaviour and I've just had enough.

If I need time to recover properly after I have the baby, can she try to get it adopted or would SS take it away? My OH is amazingly supportive and has totally carried me through the preg. I am confident I will be ok in time when I can build up my eating and my strength properly again from all the vomiting of the last 6+ months.

If you're like me, you will wake up the day after giving birth and suddenly realise that you no longer feel sick! Your appetite will come back and you'll soon feel better once you've recovered from the birth. I highly doubt SS would take the slightest notice of her nonsense. There's no grounds for any of it.
Talk to your midwife. I'm sure she can help reassure you.

And go NC with any of your family you need to. Your new family is what's important now.

So sorry to hear all this. I went NC with my "D"M a couple of years ago, but wish I had done it years before- best thing I ever did as I was sick of her lack of mothering skills going back to my childhood, although funnily enough, she tried to cling on to my eldest child who married into a very wealthy family- not my other children mind you...Just hug your child close when he/she is born and refuse to let this poisonous woman spoil a moment spent with your real family. Who knows why some people behave like this but don't waste any more precious time worrying about it!

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds absolutely awful. I think you need to go completely no contact and stick to it. Use your partner for support. Remember how much her behaviour hurts you and think about how important it is to keep her away from your new family.

I have no contact with my father (abuse) or sister. It's hard and it makes me sad sometimes, especially my sister but I'm confident it's the right thing to do.

Good luck. Be strong.

I was 37 when I was pg with my ds. He's now 10 😍

My DM told me she never wanted to be a gm apparently I was hoping she was going to be thrilled, but her reaction at the time when I told her wAs really odd/muted.

If not now in terms of having your first baby, when?

I'm so sorry about the hg, it must be awful, but as others have said, it will pass. It won't always be like this and one day you may even forget it. A bit.

Follow the doctor's advice, do what you feel you want to, trust your instincts and distance yourself from your family.

I agree you'll benefit from the support of stately homes thread, when you're ready. I'd suggest seeing if you can get some talking therapy at some point too. Having god awful parents really hurts. My DM flew across the ocean to help my dsis after she had her baby, but wouldn't drive an hour up the motor way when was struggling in the early days. When I mentioned this eventually to her she came out with a shit load of contradictory bollocks. And bullied me into shutting up.

I eventually called her out on her most heinous act, and no, didn't back down. Am now nc with her. My ds is safe, so am I. It's them not me.

It's not your fault lovey, it really isn't.

Hope you have a good day.

Your mother is absolutely vile and very dangerous to you and your child. She's had decades to do her damage but she hasn't broken you yet.

The best thing you can do, apart from cutting off all forms of contact, is to disclose just how awful she is to your midwife. Show him/her the text from your mother about giving up your baby for adoption. Ensure she never finds out either when the baby is due or where you are going to give birth.

Call the police or SS? Yep, she probably will but you're forewarned and forearmed now. Once she realises you've blocked her emails and have stopped responding to her texts she'll employ some plausible "flying monkeys", invent a life-threatening illness or even turn up on your doorstep. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

No contact is hard, of course it is, you've been through decades of her grooming to get where you are now but contact will be so very much harder.

Oh Yes. The life-threatening illness - or two for good measure. I forgot that one.

Thank you everyone. It's helped me so much to have this support. I'm feeling so down, angry and upset at the moment.

I just feel cheated out of a decent family and cannot understand how my own parents can let me down so badly over and over again.

I don't know why I thought they'd change since being pregnant.

Focus on the good people you have in your life - DH, friends. It's ok to grieve the loss of your relationship with your mum. And when it gets you down just remember at least you'll have no trouble being a better mum than your own!

Put your MOTHER up for adoption!
You are an adult; she has no real power over you.
Keep copies of her loony messages as proof, if need be, as a short cut to showing how far off from being a proper caring mother she is.
As bitter said, be ready for the flying monkeys.
Enjoy your new baby, and then your appetite!

Sounds like my vile mother who had great form for saying the most hateful, nasty things. If ever confronted she would either deny it (if it was something she had said to someone else rather than me she would say they were lying), or minimise it, tell me she only said stuff becayuse she cared/was worried or tell me I was far to sensitive if I was upset by such innocent remarks.

Ive been NC for just over a year and it's been bliss. My brother has been NC with her for longer. Apart from a couple of nasty, lengthy letters when I first went NC she's not been in touch. Certainly no attempt to say sorry or make amends.

I don't regret going NC and honestly can't ever see me getting in touch.

What is your dad like?

WhothefuckisSimon, yes mine is identical in blaming me for my reactions to her abuse!

My Dad is her enabler, her flying monkey and an abusive alcoholic with anger issues, who used to beat the shit out of us with a belt as children.

And these pair are questioning my ability as a parent, because I'm having a rough pregnancy!!

Ok, so, randomly, my mother has texted this morning, as if nothing has happened.

Now, when I don't reply, the texts will grow more insistent, eventually demanding to know why I am 'ignoring' them and yet again it will all be turned round to position me as the bad guy.

They do this every time and weasel out of acknowledging their role in anything or apologising.

Any tips on how to deal with this?

Not surprised to read that your narcissistic mother sent you a message this morning. That is precisely the sort of thing such disordered of thinking people do. It was NOT sent out of any concern for you; the reply from you is what she wants here. That is their reward. Do not reply!!.

Its also not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist; the only people who tend to bother with them at all are those who have received special training i.e. the now adult children of same.

You need to go further than not replying to any text rantings/diatribes she sends you; you need to block her and her enabler H completely. Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

Many adult children of narcissists seem to want to believe that this time around their own toxic parents will be better behaved as grandparents. That does not happen.

They were not good parents to you as a child, such people are not and will not be in any way good grandparent figures to your as yet unborn child. You need to protect your child from such malign influences.

Ignore and block.
That is how you handle it.
I would imagine it's too hard right to block her but just ignore.
Let the texts escalate and let her get all upset.
So what?
Just ignore ignore ignore.
When you are ready then block her and her flying monkey. You don't need that either!

They have deprived you of a lovely family upbringing.
Don't do the same to your DC and put your DC in a situation where they have to handle the nasty toxic people you had to.
Cut them off as quickly as is possible.
It can take time but you will get there.

I'm not surprised either. You're her 'hobby', her 'game' if you like. Far far too much fun to just give up taunting you.

Do you think you'd be able to block her?

There is no Random with narcs/toxics.

This is the "if I pretend it didn't happen, it didn't, and then I can shift the blame for your frostiness onto you"

If you have directly addressed with her by saying you are expecting an apology for her Comments then that's what you will wait for.

There are 2 camps; you reply and restate that you won't have any chit chat with her until she (a) apologises for the crappy things she said (b) doesn't repeat it.

Or this can be seen as fulfilling her supply so the other camp is to ignore completely as she's not saying sorry.

You need to know that going NC with them isn't about punishing them for being bad. Or a way of making them be nice to you. Because it won't do either of these .

It has to be about you putting your own mental health and emotional wellbeing first . About drawing a line under their abuse because you don't need that in your life . And in your case ( as in mine ) because you are protecting your child .

It won't change them . They might, perhaps, come back with a fake apology " I'm sorry you feel that way " . But they will not change .

Your mother has already theatened the welfare of your unborn child . She's trying to make you feel inadequate as a mother before your child is even born . She is SERIOUSLY toxic .

She attacked you when you are feeling weak and low , emotionally and physically , with this horrible condition. It's an awful thing - I'm sure you know that many women with HG contemplate terminating their pregnancy , even with a much wanted baby , because they feel so awful .

You have done SO WELL to get this far . If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you . You have obviously chosen a good partner and I'm sure you will be great parents .

Kr1stina - yes - I needed to hear it in those terms. It's quite astonishing how they downplay their behaviour.

I had medics suggesting ending the prefnancy at my local shithole of a hospital, because they could not be bothered to follow the protocol for treating HG. I've had to fight tooth and nail to get proper care. And even then, yes I was close to ending it and even after that, have had to call Samaritans because of having days where I'm so ill I don't feel able to go on.

All that going on and my father, having never showed his face, texted me to inform me 'a bit of morning sickness is natural, it won't kill you.'

I'm actually growing to hate both of them.

Although it's painful to realise that you hate them, it's might be just what you need.

Actually it's probably not hatred, it's anger. Anger at how badly they have treated you and how unfair they have been . Angry that they have been such poor parenst and how much they have hurt you .

You are right to be angry .

Narcs hate other people getting ill, because them the attention isn't on them, It's on the sick person. They can't tolerate that .

It's fine to call the Samaritans anytime you know

Also here

www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/help/women-suffering/hyperemesis-gravidarum/

So very true and thank you for the kind words. It's been an almighty battle just with being bedridden with illness half the time.

I can't believe my own parents could let me down so badly at one of the hardest times of my life. I'm coming to accept they will never change.

I really would seriously consider going NC with them. This would give you the opportunity to focus on your new family which is what you need. What do your parents bring to your life? Upset, guilt and fear. Do they bring anything positive? Probably not. Why do you see them still? Guilt. Ditch the guilt and block them.

No. They won't change.

But you can change the way you react to them.

I'd go NC directly.

Thank you again for the support here.

Out of the blue and having heard nothing at all from her all through my pregnancy, I get a random text today from my sister, asking outright 'when's my due date' - is this a flying monkey? My parents haven't been able to get the info so they've recruited her. She has zero interest in my life and gets in touch once in a blue moon when she wants something.

When I replied (wish I'd ignored) and was vague and said a while away, she then replied 'you need to send me your address so I can send a present.' We're talking someone who has never in twenty years asked for my address or sent me as much as a card.

Why would she suddenly be pretending to give a toss now? How do you deal with flying monkeys?

Her and my mother will be busily comparing notes now, appeasing their guilt at not showing their faces and painting me up as the bad guy. They are so twisted it is unbelievable.

I would ignore your sister's demand for your address.

The trick with toxic behaviour is to not engage with it. It's hard at first, because you've spent your whole life being trained to respond in a way they think is appropriate--which means jumping to attention every time they click their fingers. But you can do this, and if you're anything like me you're going to find your life much improved by their absence from it.

There are a few things I have found useful since going no contact with my parents. Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents is great; Captain Awkward's advice blog is brilliant, as it gives scripts to follow when people do what they do. But mostly, I've benefited from CBT and therapy, which I got through my GP, and which has turned my life around. It's been brilliant. You might like to consider it.

I hope you're feeling ok now. I was horribly sick throughout all my preganancies, and was hospitalised a couple of times in each one. It's just awful. I wish I could make things better for you. But you're doing very well for yourself, it seems: standing up to your family is difficult, and you deserve applause for that.