DH has just told me he's leaving

[stressedandalone]

I can't take it in. I know he's not been happy for a long time but thought we could work things out, but he doesn't want to try. We've been together 17 years. Both my daughter and I have disabilities which are going to make it hard for us to manage on our own. That's one of the reasons he's hung on for so long.

We own our house but don't have much equity. We have lots of debt not tied in with the house. Everything is joint names, even bank. Neither of us have any separate money.

So far things are friendly enough. Just very sad. But what do I need to do? Every instinct is to beg him to stay, but I know deep down that he will be happier without being tied to us.

you should leave him go, i'm afraid.
he has a right to leave if he wants to.
i'm not saying its very nice of him, but imagine if the roles were reversed.
its over, sorry.

Morning stresse how are you today, glad you got some good advice and support yesterday. Did you manage to talk with you DH in the end. Gide what a ridiculous post, not helpful in the slightest, you sound like a 12 year old.

Of course he can leave if he wants to, it sounds like he's been barely keeping it together for years.

Nobody needs an excuse to end a relationship.

Blossom the first part of Gide's posting was a quote from an earlier poster we pretty much all disagreed with. Gide was not being a 12-year old, someone else was!

Oh sorry gide My mistake.

Hi all

Last night was strange, he came home exhausted, cried and said he doesn't want to go, but needs things to change. We both stipulated one thing that had to change straight away. I've done mine. He should be in a position to do his today or tomorrow.

He's agreed to try counselling and to choose the counsellor (as I know if I pick someone then he will question why I've picked that person. (I wanted a counsellor with experience of counselling where disabilities are involved) he agrees that as well as addressing our relationship he also has to improve his relationship with dd.

We will talk again on Saturday when we are less tired as we still have a lot of work to do. I don't know if I should still work through what we would need to do financially to split. He says he doesn't want to think about it, but I want to be more prepared if we can't work through our problems.

Maybe I am reading too much into your posts but it sounds to me like your DH feels crowded out of the family by the close relationship you have with DD and possibly DD's demands. Perhaps he feels like an outsider a little?

I agree with StillSethHaslitt and I think your comments to her are unfair Kimonono. OP has said that the marriage hasn't been happy for years and she has been 100% committed to her daughter, feeling no romantic love for her husband. Just lay off having a go at posters with valid opinions of their own.

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stressedandalone... You said that your husband was in need of sleep last night. It must be terribly upsetting and worrying for you but I can't imagine for a moment that a man who has stayed because of yours and DD's disabilities to make life easier would abandon you both. He may not want to live as a family anymore but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're on your own.

I see that you're going to go for counselling now and I think that's a very good idea for both of you; you'll be able to talk this out in a different environment and hopefully be able to come to an idea of where you're going to go from here.

You ask about whether you can find romantic love with him again, well I don't think you can. You don't feel it now, you love him but your focus has always been on your daughter and I don't see that you'll be able to change that unless you genuinely feel that you would want to have your marriage back and not just do it out of fear of losing it. This counselling session should help with getting your world back upright again, you and your husband need to talk, lots of it, to see how things can be resolved and, if they can't - how things will be going to be in the future, for the best of all three of you.

It seems you lot were right. Practically what do I need to do?

Oh dear. He's going then? You bearing up?

Solicitor - het your stall set put. This will seem surreal looking back but you will be ok.

Wish I could give you a hug and share a bottle of wine with you

What's happened OP?

Hi changes his mind faster than the weather. He doesn't want to go but he doesn't want to stay, he can't see how things can change but doesn't want to give up. It is really making things hard as I'm walking on eggshells...

He has arranged for us to go to couples counselling, but, because he works shifts and I don't, the first date we can both make is in June. He is upset about having to wait that long, but it is what it is.

I am trying to get my concerns heard so that the focus of whether he stays or goes is not on how much I can change what is bothering him, but how much we can both change the dynamic between us.

I need a plan though of what steps I need to take should he decide it's too much like hard work to try.

But at this stage we are spending on counselling so I can't really find money for a solicitor. (But I would like to have someone's details in case the time does come. How on earth do I find a solicitor? It doesn't seem appropriate to approach the single parents in my daughters class for recommendations!)

We have a joint bank account. (Which I'm in charge of) and joint loans. I usually have money I can squirrel away for emergencies but we've had household emergencies that have used that and more over the last 6 months so we are down to the wire.

Should I be copying bank statements and pay slips? Or will Internet banking records be ok?

I have no idea how to start untangling our finances. Everything we own is joint!

Full set of records.
You should be able to get the first half hour of a family lawyer for free? Their bills can be paid often from the sale,of the family home.
I don't know where you live but google solicitors in you local town and find one with a family department.
I know a very, very good one in London (v ex, top of her game) and a very good one in Kent. The latter charges normal money.

Not used them professionally but both are trusted friends.

Do you both get paid through the bank? No cash in hand or bonus paid seperately ?

What about pensions and savings ? Life insurance ? Any assets you own like cars or property .

Can you get some money to see a solicitor without your DP knowing by getting cash back at the supermarket or petrol station each time you go ? It shows on the receipt as cash but not on the bank statement . If you add £20 each time it soon adds up .

I think your husband might be playing for time and it makes me wonder what he's up to . I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility of another woman . Sorry to have to say this.

You say he works shifts so I guess he has plenty opportunity.

I think he sounds quite controlling . It's all about him and what he wants , he even has to choose the counsellor . Has he even asked you what you want ?

I wonder if this " counselling " will be about him laying down the conditions under which he will stay .

Does he understand that he will be " tied to you " until your Dd is independent? Divorcing you won't alter his responsibilities as a father .

Have told you family and close freinds ?

Have you checked online to see what benefits you and your DD would be entitled to ?

To me he doesn't sound like a man who has given up on his marriage. Although you are in a bad place personally I wouldn't be looking for a lawyer yet although you can use the find a solicitor service on the law society website.

I can understand why you want to be heard but perhaps listening is just as important, if you still want to be with him.

Is he depressed op ?

Kr1stina - I don't think there is an OW, I know thousands before me have thought that and been wrong, but I'm fairly sure this is just about him me and dd.

Yellowsun
To whoever asked (sorry,

Oops, messed that up.

Yellowsun I have sent him to go on several occasions because I think he gets depressed, but gp says not clinical depression. Have no idea what DH says to go though,

Alice I could pay for a solicitor out of the joint bank account and he wouldn't have a clue. He's hopeless with money. I sort it.

Pensions are what really worry me, I've had periods of not working so my pension pot is very small and I was counting on benifits from his pensions in my old age, especially as I don't know if I will be able to continue working up to retirement age because of my disability.

I don't want to sell the family home and can just about take on the mortgage so long as I keep my job (not secure) and I get the tax credits straight away. Will they make me wait a year as our income was above the threshold in 2015/16? But I won't be able to give him any equity....

You can even up your pensions as part of the divorce - assuming your periods of unemployment were for having/looking after dd. A solicitor advised this when I went for my free half hour consultation. Maybe you could do that to get some free advice?

FWIW, it sounds like he wants to leave but can't be bothered. I think if there was an OW (or when he meets someone else he's excited by) he'd be off like a shot. It's not great you have to wait until June to start counselling. Do you not have any time together before then? No wonder things aren't working if you don't really even have any time to spend together from one month to the next.

I think there's another woman but either she's not left her partner yet or he's not sure if it's going to work with her .

Because the OP and their DD have had health problems for years , so why is he suddenly thinking of leaving now. What's changed ?

I dont know a single person who has left a marriage and children when there wasn't an OW / OM, except for those who left an abusive partner .

I know plenty who left citing another reason then " suddenly " they met someone new a week later and moved in with them a few weeks / months later . Such a huge coincidence .

A friends DH announced that he didn't love her anymore, that they had married too young, that she paid too much attention to the kids and he was leaving that day . She was devastated and spent the next week sending him pleading emails and texts promising to be a better wife if he just came home .

Until a man came to her door and said " your husband has been shagging my wife for the last 6 months and she's just left me and our kids " !

During these 6 months my friend had stayed in alone most nights watching the children while her husband went out to " help his depression " and" build his self esteem " . She had been kind and understanding and supportive of his " issues " . Because she a good person and he's a shit not .

Forgot to say ( which is probably the main point ) is that during the 6 months affair he had been waiting for OW to be prepared to leave her kids . When she finally said she would, he just dropped the bombshell on my friend and left that night .

It came totally out of the blue to her but of course the timing was all about OW.

Sorry for long rant. OPs situation reminded me of my freinds situation .

I hope I'm wrong for your sake OP

I think Snooze has him pegged. I'm hoping that if he has decided he can't fend for himself he will put some work in to get back to the kind of relationship we had before we had dd.