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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has just told me he's leaving

75 replies

stressedandalone · 04/05/2016 00:01

I can't take it in. I know he's not been happy for a long time but thought we could work things out, but he doesn't want to try. We've been together 17 years. Both my daughter and I have disabilities which are going to make it hard for us to manage on our own. That's one of the reasons he's hung on for so long.

We own our house but don't have much equity. We have lots of debt not tied in with the house. Everything is joint names, even bank. Neither of us have any separate money.

So far things are friendly enough. Just very sad. But what do I need to do? Every instinct is to beg him to stay, but I know deep down that he will be happier without being tied to us.

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 04/05/2016 11:21

Oh Stress what a horrible time for you. Sadly there will be several crying in the loo moments that is totally normal. It will get better I promise, I am post 2.5 years break up and my Ex also did not want to be a dad and caused issues, I threw him out because he was making my DS life miserable. They now have a good relationship, being on your own can be nice, I never thought I would feel like that. Keep talking on here, Mumsnetters are great. Kimono you sound like a bitter an twisted woman, I can't see how your comments are helpful. Both OP and her DH are miserable and sounds like the best thing to split, it does not have to be full of anger and hate. Being civilised is best for all concerns.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/05/2016 11:27

Kimono - Staying in a marriage where BOTH partners have no romantic love for each other, where NEITHER partner has been happy for years, is NOT fixing a mistake. It really isn't in the best interests of the child, it really isn't.

HPsauciness · 04/05/2016 11:43

He doesn't get to stop being a dad, or indeed caring for your dd, just because he is leaving the marriage. Make this incredibly clear. You need him to be a dad whether he lives with you or not, and it is not about him liking it or it making him happy, that's what happens when you are the dad to a child. If anything, he may end up doing more care on weekends than he currently does.

Your marriage does sound dead in the water beyond that though.

Original poster
stressedandalone · 04/05/2016 11:57

So sad that you all think I'm flogging a dead horse. Isn't it worth one last try at getting that loving feeling back?

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 04/05/2016 12:14

Possibly the best chance of getting that feeling back is to let him go though .... tell him you agree and ask when he will be moving out. It's not great for your DD or you to feel unloved. Don't plead with him , let him entertain the thought that you might have other options (even if you can't see them yourself at the moment).

Blossomflowers · 04/05/2016 12:29

Good advice from mimish Only you know if the relationship is dead in the water, we can only judge on what you have written, but your DD sounds unhappy and she needs to be your priority. My ex now loves spending time with his son, is not father of the year but at least he is trying. Keep busy OP.

BeauGlacons · 04/05/2016 12:38

Oh love, I don't think you are flogging a dead horse but he sounds like an also ran. You will never find a winner if you stay together.

When did you last look forward to seeing him
When was the last time you rolled into his arms in the morning
When was the last time you woke up with joy that you would start the day together
When was the last time you felt loved
When was the last time you felt beautiful
When was the last time you laughed together

You deserve to have all those things happen every day. You can make those things happen every day but perhaps not with him.

You should go to counselling even if he won't. It may help you deal with this and all sorts of unresolved hurts that have stopped you from putting yourself first. Only when you learn to love yourself can you fully love another and as a couple love together in a way that enhances the relationship and makes it strong enough to survive lufe's curve balls.

Kimononono · 04/05/2016 13:10

still where have I said that they should stay together? I haven't. I've said that the op to be greatful that he has limped out. That this should have been deal with years ago.

I'm not bitter or twisted blossom (bit far reaching there Confused ) I'm annoyed for op dd that this bloke has let her dd know that he isn't intrested in his own child. That is the issue here for me. This isn't just a straight forward seperation. This is a man who is letting his dw take the blame for a child he never wanted. (Boohoo) a child that has disabilities that will need extra care, this is a man that has decided after ten years of his wife trying to hide the fact that her 'D' h resents being a dad - and his own child even knows it and now wants to have a go at playing single bloke for a while.

The op is actually taking the blame for her Dh shitty behaviour.

stressed let him go and work on your dd. It must be hard on her.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/05/2016 13:45

Has OP said that he won't take care of his daughter? Has she said that he refuses to make his financial contribution?

I think he's made a difficult and brave decision and it can only be for the best for all involved.

FlyingScotsman · 04/05/2016 14:00

Yes it is a hard decision to make. It will be harder for the OP and her dd though, just because they each have their own disabilities.

It's hard to live with someone who has some health problems, hard to live with a child with health problem, prob even harder when you never really wanted one :(
Whether it is the 'right' decision for the dd to do is another matter.

Kimononono · 04/05/2016 16:06

Brave??

Brave would would have been splitting years ago and making sure his dd didn't notice that he didn't want her, whst damage he must have done to her self esteem will only be apparent as she starts getting older.

He doesn't like being a dad. What makes you think he is going to turn in to Mr responsible, kind loving dad now?

It really doesn't matter if he finds it hard. I sure op and his dd have it even harder.

There are only two people here that need sympathy and that's op and her dd.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/05/2016 17:28

How does being so negative and aggressive help the OP? She's said that he's the best dad he can be and has hung on as long as he could. The current situation is unhealthy for all three of them. What would you rather he do (other than travel back in time)?

OP needs our support to realise she can do this and to get the most amicable and positive joint parenting with her daughter's father that she can.

ChicRock · 04/05/2016 17:34

Please don't take any of Kimono's advice - that way lies an incredibly nasty and bitter divorce.

It sounds like an unhappy relationship and it's probably for the best for you both, and your DD, if you can focus on getting through this as amicably as possible.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 04/05/2016 17:36

I'm annoyed for op dd that this bloke has let her dd know that he isn't intrested in his own child

Where does it say that!?

Kimono You seem to be reading thints that aren't there.

People are allowed to end relationships if they aren't happy. The OP says things haven't been ok for years.

FlyingScotsman · 04/05/2016 17:45

Hmm it's interesting though as often the advice on MN is 'to finally get angry at him'.
It's rarely to do your best to make it as amicable as possible.

I'm also always Hmm at the idea that there IS a better life where you will meet a nice bloke that will make you happy. That isn't so sure either.

bibbetybob · 04/05/2016 18:00

you sound like you're parroting a Jeremy Kyle script. Give it a rest.

No practical advice OP but really hoping things work out for you. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling but maybe this way you will both be happier, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. Flowers

Snoringlittlemonkey · 04/05/2016 18:07

I agree with the pp that said a split may actually end up resulting in a better relationship between your DD and her dad. They will have to carve out a new relationship with just the two of them that may be more positive.

You will also be happier in the long run. You won't be slogging on in a relationship neither if you are happy in. When the panic and shock dissipates you may actually find a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

There are many different kinds of families, you are developing a new happier one with you and your DD.

Please don't listen to Kimono. Bitterness and anger are only going to hurt your daughter. You both need to work together now to make the split as easy on her as possible.

You are going to be fine OP Flowers

RedMapleLeaf · 04/05/2016 18:33

I'm also always hmm at the idea that there IS a better life where you will meet a nice bloke that will make you happy. That isn't so sure either.

I don't think a "nice bloke" is a prerequisite but why wouldn't life be better? Surely life is going to be better outside of an unhappy marriage than in it?

Original poster
stressedandalone · 04/05/2016 18:36

Planning to talk tonight but he's late finishing work (I believe genuinely, honestly I do) he didn't sleep last night or the night before so he wants to find some peace with all this. He has to be up for work at. 4:30 so we can't talk into the night. This is the longest day of my life

OP posts:
Merrida · 04/05/2016 19:07

Bless you - just keep taking it one minute at a time stressed. Deep breaths, drink some tea, have something to eat. Longest day so far - but you will get through it. Flowers

RedMapleLeaf · 04/05/2016 20:31

Concentrate on the basics - food, hydration, hugs etc. You will survive this.

Kr1stina · 04/05/2016 20:57

You need to think about what you want and what's best for DD. At the moment you seem to be waiting for him to tell you what's going to happen .

That's understandable because he's had weeks or months to prepare for this and you are still in shock.

Have you told your family ? You need to do that tonight , you say they are supportive and will help you . I know you don't want to depend on them but this is a crisis and you will need to accept their help, at least in the short and medium term , until things become more stable .

Please don't waste your time begging him to stay. It never works and you will regret it later .

You need to talk about the practicalities . When is he moving out ? How often will he have DD staying with him ? EOW and one night in the week is normal . He will need to pay you child support for her .

He needs to understand that he is only leaving his marriage - his responsibilities as a father will continue .

You need to sort out money and get some advice re your debts . You can find out online what benefits your will be entitled to .

Who does child care for your DD when you are at work and can you continue that ?

LillyLol · 04/05/2016 21:25

If you don't love him in a romantic way then there is no point staying together is there. You both need to be free to find someone whom you do want a sexual romantic relationship with.

BeauGlacons · 05/05/2016 06:25

How are you today

Gide · 05/05/2016 07:21

*Hello stressedandalone

I think it's time for you to get very angry at this man. Im angry for you.

Its not ok to do what he is doing.

I'm sure some one will be along soon with some great

You have to be the strongest person you can be now and really dig deep for it with your dd.

Your Dh sounds like a selfish prick angry*

I don't think it's fair on the DD to try to keep playing happy families. Maybe he should have sorted this year's ago, but he's doing it now. The relationship may improve if he's out of the situation, who knows? I don't think he's being selfish, tho.

I hope you're ok, OP.

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