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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband has lied about porn - worth him getting help?

59 replies

ChiefChocolateTester · 03/05/2016 22:01

My DH used porn before we got together 13 years ago. I didn't have a problem with it, but told him I did have a problem with lies and secrecy surrounding it, as I find that hard to handle.

Since then, on more than on occasion, husband has used porn (more like the freebie soft porn girlie channels). Fine. But he has lied about it and denied it when I have evidence e.g. Channel on tv being left on.

Due to the lies, we sought counselling 10 years ago to look at the reasons why. Never did get to the bottom of it bar shame and embarrassment.

10 years later, its still happening. Its killing my trust for him, and DH is bereft. He doesn't know why he still lies, and is gutted because its getting to the point that I'm considering asking him to leave. DH says he wants to get counselling again.

Help and advice needed please.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2016 22:58

Catharine MacKinnon articulates it well

Slowdecrease · 03/05/2016 23:06

If you're truly ok with it I honestly wouldn't mention it again. Being lied to about anything is so frustrating - it's the insult to your intelligence that hurts I think, obviously this is something he wants to do without the embarrassment of discussing it...so lying is easier (though not in the long run).if he's ace in every other way and you're truly ok with porn then I'd let it go.

Original poster
ChiefChocolateTester · 03/05/2016 23:08

Bloody hell - just read those two links! Plenty to read further there.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 03/05/2016 23:21

Well he's obviously ashamed that he wants to look at porn and therefore feels he needs to hide it from you. I wouldn't put him in the position where it bothered me if he was "lying about this" because i don't think he is lying he just wants some privacy. I would hide it too if my dh walked in on me doing that because it's private even though we are married. You're making it into a massive big deal and it's really not.

FATEdestiny · 03/05/2016 23:23

Given you have no issue with the porn itself, I think a done of "ask no questions, tell no lies" is needed.

If you didn't ask, he wouldn't have to lie.

FATEdestiny · 03/05/2016 23:25

dose, not done.

Original poster
ChiefChocolateTester · 03/05/2016 23:51

Oh God, I never thought that he might think he shouldn't be looking at porn! If he feels.he shouldn't then he will.be embarrassed. Because he is genuinely perplexed as to why his default is to lie about it, when he knows i don't care.

Its not because he thinks I mind, its because he himself minds! He was brought up to think it was very wrong, so that's probably why. He has sobbed before because he knows lies affect my mental health (once had a bad bought of psychosis which was based on worrying about people lying to me), and couldn't believe he'd lied to me. Yet I know everyone lies, even me on occasion (no I never ever smoke, honestly Grin).

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 03/05/2016 23:58

I feel a bit sorry for him. Nobody enjoys being on the end of lies. That's entirely normal and rational. That the worry of it happening (being lied to) drove you to psychosis - that's a lot for your DH to handle. It's like saying he must be transparent at all times about everything or risk your mental health. That doesn't leave much margin for error or misjudgment on his part.

Original poster
ChiefChocolateTester · 04/05/2016 00:18

I know.......but he didn't cause my psychosis, my brain did that all by itself. I wish it had been about a different topic too. It was simultaneously tortuous and boring.

I know its a lot for him, bit as I've explained to him, he could never cause psychosis. Most people could be lied to and would just be pissed off and angry. It isn't his fault that my brain is faulty. It has left me very sensitive to lies though, which is why I'm asking your opinions.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 04/05/2016 07:46

Massive overthinking here OP. Just not necessary. You don't care if he watches porn. He watches porn. He doesn't want to discuss it. Leave the poor man alone ! Not everyone wants to discuss there PRIVATE behaviour... There is nothing for you to 'know the truth of'.. You know he watches it. He knows he watches it. It's not something you do as a couple, hence its PRIVATE .

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 04/05/2016 08:02

How is stuff on the free to channel even classed as 'porn'??

MTPurse · 04/05/2016 08:12

I feel a bit sorry for him too. Is he allowed no privacy at all?

ok you come downstairs and find him watching Babe Station, You know he is watching it, He knows he is watching it but why do you feel the need to put him on the spot and discuss him watching it?

Oysterbabe · 04/05/2016 08:14

I agree with Marilyn.
I have no idea whether my DH watches porn. I don't mind if he does and don't think marriage means he needs to let me know whenever he knocks one out. I've never asked him and don't intend to. If you don't mind why can't you just leave it? Stop asking and forget about it.

Shadow1986 · 04/05/2016 08:22

I also agree with Marilyn. I feel this is a total invasion of his privacy, which we are all entitled to have, even when married.

Maybe we are different because porn doesn't really bother me, I've found evidence of my husband watching porn a handful of times over the 10 years we have been together and I havent even mentioned it.

If your marriage is otherwise great then why let this ruin it? He's only lying because he probably just doesn't want to admit to you he likes to watch porn every now and then as he doesn't want to hurt you! Maybe he's Embarrressed.

I would just move on, Otherwise you'll just seem nagging, insecure and controlling.

Summerlovinf · 04/05/2016 08:23

I would probably lie about what I was doing if someone walked in on me masturbating too

VoyageOfDad · 04/05/2016 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 04/05/2016 09:13

I feel a bit sorry for him too

Being dragged to counselling over babe station? Jeez

FATEdestiny · 04/05/2016 09:19

Are you calmer this morning OP?

This isn't about porn, it is about your inability to accept lying.

Worth remembering that lies are a natural and normal part of human nature. They often aren't "bad", just done for the good of one or both of you.

FATEdestiny · 04/05/2016 09:30

He was brought up to think it was very wrong

Confusing two issues here. (Assuming. "It" is porn).

It is entirely reasonable to be raised to consider porn to be very wrong, unhealthy and generally bad. It is especially damaging to our younger generation who are being raised with wholly warped ideas of what normal sex is, so unsurprising that parents instil this in their children (especially boys).

You do not consider porn to be bad, which is your prerogative. So the wrongness of porn is not the issue here.

If you have a personal issue against the porn industry, then it is different. Then you talk about why porn is a problem and ask that he refrains from its use on this basis.

If he then continues porn use, despite knowing and understanding your stance against porn, then the lying is a problem. A big problem.

TheNaze73 · 04/05/2016 12:40

I think trust is a big deal in any relationship, so although I think this wouldn't bother the majority of people, it's a biggie for you & needs addressing. Is it affecting your sex life in anyway Op?

Oddsocksgalore · 04/05/2016 12:46

I think it's fair to say most men watch porn and lie about it.

VoyageOfDad · 04/05/2016 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slowdecrease · 04/05/2016 13:02

My oh watches porn - we dont live together , I have no idea of how often he watches it, it could be once and year or every night I'm not there for all I know. Hes never lied about it nor I have asked him , it just comes up in conversation from time to time - it just 'is'. Compulsive and habitual liars aside, people (yes all people, even women like us, lovely paragons of virtue that we are!!) only lie when they are afraid of the consequences/connotations of the truth. If there are no negative consequences then there is no need to lie. It doesn't matter how op feels about porn really, that she's ok with it (I think the lady doth protest too much if I'm being totally honest) it matters that it's something that he wants to keep private.

YorkieDorkie · 04/05/2016 13:15

DH will sometimes use it. Never bothered me in the slightest but that's maybe because he's honest about it. Not sure I'd be happy if he couldn't even admit to it.

noisyrice · 04/05/2016 17:08

You've told him that you're not bothered so in his mind, he's not doing anything wrong.

Then you 'confront' him and go off on one, which suggests he is in the wrong when you are, so he hides it.

It's porn, get over it