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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Odd DH comment: WWYD [Trigger warning added by MNHQ]

28 replies

Hmmmmconfusing · 03/05/2016 02:25

Background: together 20 years, married 18, 3 kids. Both successful professionals etc. Everything fine. DH has a bit of a control-freaky personality but has never tried to control me, never been abusive or violent or anything. Bit lazy about domestic/kid things. Slightly sexist and homophobic but I pick him up on every single inappropriate comment or thought every time and he gets annoyed with me for being 'too PC'. I take being 'too PC' as a compliment

Anyway, about a month ago, and I can't remember how we got to this, he said "you know how you would always think that in the end a woman enjoys being raped, because she can't help enjoying the penetration? Well I was thinking about it and I think if a man said this I would say, well imagine being raped yourself - would you really enjoy it?" So when I had picked my jaw up off the floor I just said "just in case it's unclear at all, women do not enjoy being rape victims."

Then I tried to forget about it, but I can't. Should I bring it up and discuss it? What can come out of that? Have I really been living for 20 years with someone who only just realised that women don't like being raped???!!!

I'm not sure what I'm asking but don't want to keep thinking about this by myself, nor tell anyone in rl. I realise the remark and the thought were both repellent. I'm not sure about the next step.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 03/05/2016 02:32

I'm not surprised you're upset. I've been with my dh for a similar period of time and if he said this to me it would really shake me up, I'd feel like I've been living with a stranger all these years.

treaclesoda · 03/05/2016 02:33

Sorry, that might not be helpful or what you wanted to hear.

Original poster

Hmmmmconfusing · 03/05/2016 02:36

No. Not to mention that I was raped by a hotel bar man on holiday when I was 14yo. I didn't enjoy it!

OP posts:

Catinthecorner · 03/05/2016 02:46

Have you considered offering to have his rape victim fantasy fulfilled by a bloke you know? Perhaps as a gift for a special birthday or anniversary?

sykadelic · 03/05/2016 02:49

I think how you got to the conversation is extremely important and I don't think what he said is as bad as you're telling yourself it is.

Tony and inflection aren't possible online so he either meant he would tell a guy:

that he'd enjoy it to; or (my first reaction)
that he was rebutting the thinking that a woman would like it. "I think if a man said this I would say, well imagine being raped yourself - would you really enjoy it?"

No doubt he was referring to a woman's biological reaction being mistaken for enjoyment and using the explanation to a man that he can't help his own biological reaction as a way of showing him how stupid that line of thinking is.

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2016 03:03

It's a really odd comment. I'd just have to talk to him about it, if I were you.

I can't quite believe that any man thinks women always like being penetrated. That in itself shows a lack of understanding. But it does (to me) sound like he was having a kind of imaginary conversation with someone who defended rape and he was explaining that it was not like that. The fact you can't remember ow you got into this conversation seems slightly relevant, maybe he said something you weren't listening to, which kind of introduced the topic? Just ask him, I'd explain it is such an important topic you want to make sure you've understood him.

Original poster

Hmmmmconfusing · 03/05/2016 03:14

Yes, maybe I'll just ask him this evening- I'll say it's been preying on my mind. I can't remember what else we were talking about. We were in the cinema waiting for the film to start. Maybe it was sparked by a film reference.

OP posts:

PalaceResident · 03/05/2016 03:15

Isn't he saying if someone had this view he would oppose it?

treaclesoda · 03/05/2016 03:28

But from what the OP posted he has only just come to this conclusion as he says 'you know you would always think...' as if it's a given that that's what most people think, and he's just suddenly had some sort of realisation.

Maybe he chose his words badly and that wasn't really what he intended to say. But if he did say it in the way the OP describes it, I can understand why it has played on her mind.

TheStoic · 03/05/2016 03:32

It's the fact that it's only just occurred to him that women must not enjoy rape.

So he's grown up to whatever age thinking women do enjoy being raped?

Original poster

Hmmmmconfusing · 03/05/2016 03:32

Yes it's what treacle said. I'm sure that's what he meant.

OP posts:

PalaceResident · 03/05/2016 03:53

I think you need to have the conversation. It may have got worse as you've overplayed it in your mind. You know your DH is he likely to think like that... Perhaps rather than "you know the way you would think...." He meant "you know the way someone might think...."

I'd have the conversation!

alaspoorderek · 03/05/2016 14:22

I'd have to ask him if he had really engaged his brain before he opened his mouth to make such a despicable comment? What he doesn't see the aggression, threat and force (not to mention it could be a complete stranger) any sort of problem, all that is pales into insignificance because of the biological act?

Ask him what his favourite food is ( say for the sake of argument chocolate icecream) then say 'ok well if you wasn't hungry how about if myself or a complete stranger forced you to eat a tub full, would that be enjoyable? I realise it's a bonkers analogy but maybe he could get his one brain cell round the fact being forced into things, let alone anything so intimate, against your will is far from enjoyable.

CuppaBiccieBliss · 03/05/2016 14:31

I would be absolutely furious if dp said that! No way could I stay with someone who had that opinion. What a dick!

MrsHathaway · 03/05/2016 14:36

I'd be flabbergasted.

"DH, just a few things. Firstly, women don't always enjoy penetration. You do realise that, don't you?"

I think the force-feeding ice cream thing is a good analogy but might need work re being the wrong flavour or on a cold day or when you're not hungry.

amarmai · 03/05/2016 14:38

IMO he is saying he thinks women cannot help but enjoy penetration even rape and he is wondering if a man wd also like it. Let sleeping dogs lie or open a can of worms ?

MrsHathaway · 03/05/2016 14:39

Oh, and your OP made me think of this meme so I hope you find it useful.

Odd DH comment: WWYD [Trigger warning added by MNHQ]

LizKeen · 03/05/2016 14:56

Well, I can see why you are bothered by this.

However, I do think that he was challenging what he perceives as a common thought about rape. Whether it actually is common or not isn't the point. He thinks it is for whatever reason, and he is opposing that view. I think that it shows up his ignorance about rape, but he certainly does not sound like a rape apologist from what you have said.

Being ignorant about rape is very common. A lot of people I have heard talk about rape think it is purely sexual, when actually the last thing it is is sexual. Rape myths are widely accepted as truth too.

People are ignorant about a lot of things IME. Sexism, racism, domestic violence. I don't think it is because they are horrible people. More that their life experiences haven't caused them to look deeper at these topics.

My DH had a few funny ideas about feminism when we met. I soon educated him. Now he can see the everyday sexism that I see, when at the start I had to convince him it was there. He never said such things about rape, but I have been raped, and in our discussions about it I got the feeling I had opened his eyes in many ways.

Boomingmarvellous · 03/05/2016 14:57

Omg. Words fail me that a man would even think such a thing let alone say it to a rape victim

Joysmum · 03/05/2016 15:01

I read this as him saying that those who believe a woman would end up enjoying forced penetration were wrong.

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/05/2016 15:18

Yes I read it that he think anyone thinking a woman would enjoy it was wrong. Because a man wouldn't enjoy it.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 03/05/2016 15:58

What joys mum said.
He's saying if someone (a man) said that phrase to him, he'd say, well imagine if it happened to you, you wouldn't enjoy it!!

I don't think he's saying he thinks they enjoy it but his turn of phrase is clumsy. He is saying the opposite of that.

BooAvenue · 03/05/2016 16:03

You married someone who is "slightly sexist/homophobic" surely ridiculous comments like this are a part of every day life for you?

Why are you still married to this man?

WriteforFun1 · 03/05/2016 16:16

having read this a couple of times, I think there are 2 possible meanings - one being that he wants to use the man example to cure the idiots who believe in the first bit of what he said.

it is essential that you ask him but there's no way I could be with a man who thinks the other thing!!

Original poster

Hmmmmconfusing · 03/05/2016 22:39

Thanks for comments. I'm quite sure he was expressing a very belated, but not even quite certain, realisation that rape is not fun for women. I don't remember the conversation verbatim and we anyway don't usually speak English, but that was the sentiment that worried me.

boo you are right that comments I can't accept are not unknown. Tbh it's got worse recently though - I honestly didn't notice any of this much before children, and even now it bothers me but doesn't dominate our relationship or anything.

For those that say they would leave someone with these beliefs. Actually I think I would too if he was my boyfriend and we didn't have children or whatever. But breaking up the whole family over some comments and beliefs that are offensive is different. He's not abusive and dangerous or horrible to live with. Mostly our life is nice and fun and we are all happy. So It's not that simple. I don't want divorce and a big mess but I do need to set him straight on some fundamentals!

OP posts:

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