Odd DH comment: WWYD [Trigger warning added by MNHQ]

[Hmmmmconfusing]

Background: together 20 years, married 18, 3 kids. Both successful professionals etc. Everything fine. DH has a bit of a control-freaky personality but has never tried to control me, never been abusive or violent or anything. Bit lazy about domestic/kid things. Slightly sexist and homophobic but I pick him up on every single inappropriate comment or thought every time and he gets annoyed with me for being 'too PC'. I take being 'too PC' as a compliment

Anyway, about a month ago, and I can't remember how we got to this, he said "you know how you would always think that in the end a woman enjoys being raped, because she can't help enjoying the penetration? Well I was thinking about it and I think if a man said this I would say, well imagine being raped yourself - would you really enjoy it?" So when I had picked my jaw up off the floor I just said "just in case it's unclear at all, women do not enjoy being rape victims."

Then I tried to forget about it, but I can't. Should I bring it up and discuss it? What can come out of that? Have I really been living for 20 years with someone who only just realised that women don't like being raped???!!!

I'm not sure what I'm asking but don't want to keep thinking about this by myself, nor tell anyone in rl. I realise the remark and the thought were both repellent. I'm not sure about the next step.

Does he know you were raped? Does he mean that it's only just occurred to him that wouldn't have been pleasant?!!

I can see why you are shocked and tbh it sounds v upsetting.

It sounds like he's rebutting what he incorrectly seems to think is a common view. And that's the part that's worrying...that he's brought it up in such a way that makes it fairly obvious he's been trying to reconcile your experience with what he previously understood. Or, let's face it, failed to understand. He's finally thought of a theoretical situation that helps him understand but without further discussion, that he finally appears to have a vague understanding wouldn't be enough for me. It says too much about his stance towards women that he's taken 20 years to grasp something so basic.

Agree with the food analogy. I enjoy eating. Sometimes I absolutely love eating. But being force fed would be extremely traumatic. I was raped in a previous relationship and that's how I'd chose to explain consent if I had to explain it to a child.

I don't think he understands much about sexual abuse and discrimination and so on, and I think that's because he hasn't thought about it much at all, not because he thinks it's ok. He also, a trait I find rather common in men, spends much more time thinking about himself than about other people. The fact I was raped is not an important part of this: I don't consider it a significant part of my identity nor a current problem (it was bad at the time, but 30 years have passed), more my personal part of the grand fabric of women being discriminated in our society. I'm sure he was neither talking nor thinking about my own experience.

By the way, I don't think anyone else would think him homophobic or sexist. I know because , like the conversation I'm reporting here anonymously, he tells me things he wouldn't say to anyone else, because we are married and close and talk a lot. Everyone has unlovely parts to their personality and important matters they are ignorant about. Perhaps the important thing is whether they try to justify themselves in their ignorance and prejudice or try to learn and develop. I think I need to find out better where we both are on that front.