Can you leave someone because they're messy?

[WoIsMe]

I've been with my DH for 20 years and if anything he seems to be getting worse rather than better. After cooking the kitchen is left a bombsite, even after he has cleared up. Any room I tidy up is usually trashed again within the next day or two. He's incapable of putting anything away or closing cupboard doors. When he does DIY then all the tools will be abandoned in the room where he's done the work. So he'll paint a DC's bedroom then leave the paint, brush, roller and tray in there. Eventually they have to be thrown away because they haven't been cleaned and the paint has dried on. When he empties the bin he doesn't put a new binbag in. When he changes the bedsheets he often leaves one or two pillow cases lying on the floor so then we have to have no pillow cases on the bed until they can be washed with the next load. When he washes up I have to wash most of the dishes again because they still have food stuck to them.

I could go on and on. He expects me to be so grateful because he reckons lots of other men don't do housework. But I'm fed up of everything being done badly, I'd almost rather he didn't do anything. He is completely hopeless at housework. I feel that I still love him and want to be with him. But I also feel like this isn't my house and all the clutter and dirt is invading my brain. I would like to be able to walk across a room instead of picking my way through abandoned toys, shoes, crisp packets etc. I remember on one occasion I had to pack my kids' lunches on the kitchen floor because it was cleaner than the worktops.

It's becoming more obvious now because he travels a lot for work. The weeks when he's away I have a nice house. I can come downstairs in the morning and make my breakfast. As soon as he gets back from a trip he starts scattering his belongings all over the place. He's been back for three days and his suitcase is still in the living room. This morning I had to do so much clearing up before I could make my breakfast as every surface in the kitchen was spattered with grease and covered with cooking equipment.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't have friends round because it's too dirty and messy. And it isn't safe for my DCs either when there are tools lying around. He left his soldering iron plugged in all night on the kitchen table one time. I shudder to think what would have happened if one of the kids had got there before me.

I've just had enough.

Don't know how all you women can stand it, it's not just laziness it a complete lack of respect for your expectations and standards - he doesn't have to do everything your way but from what you describe, the lack of care over everything is just astounding, I know I could not live this way, selfish man imo.

Shocked and stunned at the poster pregnant with baby 3 being told housework is her job - now that's a bloody reason to LTB!

DH"s mess & hoarding is one of the main stressors in our marriage. He hides piles of paperwork rather than deal with it, keeps labels, packets & so on, not to mention 25 years' plus of magazines - every single one. There are piles everywhere with, in some rooms, narrow pathways between to access furniture. Every flat surface has something on the top that is not supposed to be there. Absolutely incomprehensibly awful.

I think he uses it as a barrier to having visitors "I don't like the mess either - it would be nice to have people round more but it's too messy" - won't tackle it though or let me tackle it as I'm "too ruthless & unsentimental & would throw away things I might want to keep" all of it too bloody right I would

The weird thing is I'm not actually that tidy, but hate keeping what I consider to be rubbish. I like a bit of clutter, nicknacks etc & tolerate work in progress, hobbies & so on, but this is far more than that. When we're on holiday he keeps his stuff tidier than I do mine

Oh & knowing it makes me miserable doesn't move him "If I tidied up you'd just moan about something else"

I hate coming home from being away - my heart sinks as I step through the door

I have ADHD and Aspergers...my executive function skills are almost non existantand I am just like your DH OP.

If it's any consolation my lack of ability to keep on top of things drives me crazy. It might drive him mad too.

I am separated from my ex H and won't ever have another relationship as it just isn't fair to ask other people to put up with me and my mess.

Drives me bonkers though.

Oh wow I think you have all just diagnosed my DP. He is exactly as described in the OP, and we have two boys, one whom has queried ADD (non-hyperactive). I have always said that either whatever is wrong with DS2 is also wrong with DP, because they are basically the same person... DP is horrendously messy but also very resistant to any attempt to be organised in terms of putting any dates in diary, communicating about plans, committing to anything until the last minute. He can never find anything (not surprising, in all his chaos, but I still haven't managed to teach him that things can 'live' somewhere so that you can find them when you want them). Is it possible that instead of being a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate arse, he actually has a diagnosable condition? He's really bright by the way, so nothing picked up at school, but unbelievably, spectacularly chaotic.

Interesting. One of our DC has Aspergers, DH and DC are very similar. He has poor social skills, anxiety, lack of organisation, inability to make decisions about anything, very literal. I've always wondered if he has it too, he's very very intelligent also and has a photographic memory. But this makes sense. He tries really hard, and doesn't understand when I say it's not good enough (not in as many words obviously). Hmmm, definitely food for thought.

I'm also on the spectrum, undiagnosed but I'm the polar opposite of him. Hence the issue we currently have!

It doesn't actually matter why someone is behaving in a way that you do not wish to live with.

Maybe they are stressed.
Maybe they had a difficult upbringing.
Maybe it's a mental illness.
Maybe they are just rude.

Either way, you do not have to stay with them.

Even if it's not their "fault" that they behave the way they do.

You do not have to stay with them.

No, agreed, you don't, but I think it makes a difference whether their intent is to make you feel like the skivvy and show no respect or consideration whatsoever, or whether they truly don't understand what it is you're expecting. The outcome is the same but I could be far more forgiving if I were convinced it was genuinely a struggle for DP to see and deal with the mess he makes. I've just come home from picking DS1 up. DP no doubt thinks he has cleared up after himself because he's put his plate etc in the dishwasher, but I found one dirty knife, a used cheese grater, a dirty chopping board and an empty beer glass on the (sticky) side in the kitchen. Turned the corner, found a used spoon and empty yoghurt pot on the table (next to the oven door that fell off months ago that DP is convinced he is going to reattach). On sofa was a biscuit wrapper. His shoes were just kicked off by the sofa. I am always finding screwdrivers, or perished batteries, or bills, in the fruit bowl. It makes me so resentful that I have to follow him around being a nagging shrew or a silent martyr. If I could just believe that he wasn't just being a lazy sod it might change the way I feel about him.

If your plan is to work things through, or to think about whether you CAN work things through, then knowing the source of the behaviour matters. That's true.

This does sound awful and I thought my DH was messy. Well, he is, but (probably) not quite as bad as he does like to have things in the right place and organised but not clean.
Luckily he works a lot but on his days off i get quite stressed by the messiness. The counter wiping is very familiar also if he cooks I would find splashes of food on various places later - floor, cupboard doors, cupboard handles, outside of the bin... Inside the cutlery tray (that one really annoys me)..

After he uses the bathroom the toilet is disgusting, after the shower the whole floor is wet, toothpaste dripping on the sides of the sink and the floor etc...
Very very annoying,
For now i can manage because he works so much he's hardly at home but I'm dreading the holidays...
He doesn't contribute to any cleaning housework because he works so much and because he's so sloppy that I'd rather do it myself and he probably can't be asked to anyway.
We have a new dishwasher for about 6 months and he doesn't know how it works, neither the washing machine or the dryer.
But actually it's better that way. Saves me having to clean the dishwasher because he's put dishes with food still on them in it or coloured my whites by mixing with colours or simply left a pile of wet clothes until it smells (all of hese have happened in the past)

I have occasionally dreamed of leaving and having a clean home all the time, but no I wouldn't really break up the family because of this, for now anyway

This photo was taken in my husband's bedroom. I sleep downstairs on the sofa.

I sleep downstairs on the sofa. Husband has not washed his bed linen for maybe 6 weeks. The duvet cover has fallen off the duvet and he is using the duvet in it's bare state. I am divorcing him.

God paddy
Is the messiness the main reasons for splitting?

I don't have much to offer except sympathy I'm afraid. My ex made me miserable for many reasons but messiness was definitely one of them. People may think it sounds silly, but having someone continually make a mess of the space you're supposed to share just feels like a giant middle finger in your face after a while.

My ex would leave a trail of destruction wherever he went. The second he walked in the door there would be socks on the floor and rubbish everywhere from whatever snack he made himself that day. His empty deodorant cans would pile up in the bathroom until I eventually cracked and threw them away myself (I think the record was 8 or 9 at one time). I didn't see the floor on his side of the bed for pretty much the whole time we were together. It would be covered in dirty clothes, used dishes and empty beer bottles unless I cleaned them up myself. His response was always the same: 'I work hard and don't want to spend my precious free time cleaning'. I'd ask if that meant he expected me to spend MY time doing it instead and he'd just shrug and say no, but he just wasn't going to do it.

For me the worst was when I decided to go back to university and wanted a space in the flat where I could study. I bought a lovely desk, lugged it home and assembled it all on my own (he was useless with DIY too of course). Our dining table, sofas and every other surface were covered with his crap (CDs, stacks of papers, clothes, books, you name it) but I asked him, very nicely, if he could just keep the space on MY new desk clear for me to study at. It didn't take more than a day until a stack of CDs and papers appeared there too. When I moved them and asked again if he could please not put anything there because it was my space to study (he occupied literally every other space in the flat), he flipped out and told me I was being ridiculous, it was just a desk and he couldn't believe I was being so precious about it.

I don't know what to suggest but hopefully you can find a way to make him realise that his messiness has a direct effect on your happiness and thus the happiness of your relationship. Good luck!

"frieda" I started working from home 5 years ago, & asked my DH if I could have some office space. He has cluttered up two whole offices - the one that was his original one - the one that would be fine for me - & the one that is going to be his, once he's got around to sorting it out never. Neither is usable so he does paperwork on the kitchen table & expects me to keep out of the way. My "office" is a small bureau & a box in the guest room.