Can you leave someone because they're messy?

[WoIsMe]

I've been with my DH for 20 years and if anything he seems to be getting worse rather than better. After cooking the kitchen is left a bombsite, even after he has cleared up. Any room I tidy up is usually trashed again within the next day or two. He's incapable of putting anything away or closing cupboard doors. When he does DIY then all the tools will be abandoned in the room where he's done the work. So he'll paint a DC's bedroom then leave the paint, brush, roller and tray in there. Eventually they have to be thrown away because they haven't been cleaned and the paint has dried on. When he empties the bin he doesn't put a new binbag in. When he changes the bedsheets he often leaves one or two pillow cases lying on the floor so then we have to have no pillow cases on the bed until they can be washed with the next load. When he washes up I have to wash most of the dishes again because they still have food stuck to them.

I could go on and on. He expects me to be so grateful because he reckons lots of other men don't do housework. But I'm fed up of everything being done badly, I'd almost rather he didn't do anything. He is completely hopeless at housework. I feel that I still love him and want to be with him. But I also feel like this isn't my house and all the clutter and dirt is invading my brain. I would like to be able to walk across a room instead of picking my way through abandoned toys, shoes, crisp packets etc. I remember on one occasion I had to pack my kids' lunches on the kitchen floor because it was cleaner than the worktops.

It's becoming more obvious now because he travels a lot for work. The weeks when he's away I have a nice house. I can come downstairs in the morning and make my breakfast. As soon as he gets back from a trip he starts scattering his belongings all over the place. He's been back for three days and his suitcase is still in the living room. This morning I had to do so much clearing up before I could make my breakfast as every surface in the kitchen was spattered with grease and covered with cooking equipment.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I can't have friends round because it's too dirty and messy. And it isn't safe for my DCs either when there are tools lying around. He left his soldering iron plugged in all night on the kitchen table one time. I shudder to think what would have happened if one of the kids had got there before me.

I've just had enough.

wols...i heard all that from my exdh too....but the bottom line for me, was 'it makes me happy to come home to a tidy house'

my ex 'couldnt see the mess' also, but he knew it ws there and he knew i hated it...

if he wants to make you happy he could put himself out a bit and tidy up after himslef, whether he thinks its necessary or not

WoIsMe - it could be. Dyspraxia people and some people with ASD find it phenomenally hard to be tidy. Our brains just don't connect a job with the mess it creates. Which isn't an excuse. But a way to tackle it may be to teach him methods of tidying in stages. I learned (having come from a chaotically messy home and been naturally chaotically untidy myself in my twenties) to do jobs in small, completable stages, either using a timer e.g. after decorating, spend 15 mins cleaning brushes or by focusing on a single action: take out of the living room anything that should be elsewhere and put it in its final destination.
I find myself saying 'Final Destination' to DC all the time as a way of teaching them to put things away properly. I was never taught to be tidy. My parents are hoarders and very disorganised. I remember visiting DH's parents for the first time and being shocked that the kitchen was spotless when they sat down to eat an evening meal - everything had been tidied away and cleaned up already. Now, as far as possible, I clean up as I go along, but had never seen my mum do it, so it never even occurred to me that was a good idea. If your DH comes from a similar background, he may need to find a method online or in a book teaching him how to be organised and tidy.

Mine moves things from room to room rather than you know ... Putting them away drives me potty!

If you have had enough, you have had enough. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I couldn't live with a very tidy person, so you are probably just incompatible. Are you similar in other ways?

He probably isn't going to change, so you can either continue to get annoyed about it, or get a cleaner. I chose the cleaner. She's cheaper than a solicitor.

My DH does the same.

I feel like his mum, I actually bagged up all his clothes that he left on the floor and threatened to give them to charity because I was so sick of him never putting them away/in the wash basket (he has improved, he now puts them on top of the washing basket ) . I remember my mum doing the same to me when I was 14. Perhaps it's karma that I have ended up with DH stig of the dump

He changes the bed and does the washing up, that's more than my husband does! My husband does nothing around the house I get so fed up of picking up after everybody.

I'm heavily pregnant with no3 and if there isn't an improvement when the baby comes I'm really going to have to put my foot down, but at the moment I'm just quietly seething as I know he will only tell me 'I work, it's your job!'

I came from an obsessively tidy house. I am an absolute slattern. But i do housework. I feel like i'm constantly doing stuff but it never, ever gets clean. I've been like this since i was very young. I have tried really hard over the years to change but I just can't.

We did have a cleaner but it didn't really help that much, just created a lot of stress and work for me to make the house 'cleanable' before she arrived every week.

I do feel like DH isn't trying hard enough. If he tells me something annoys him then I try to make it better. For some reason he hates dirty dishes being left in the sink so I make sure I put them by the sink (if the dishwasher is on) or in the dishwasher. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. But if I ask him to wipe down the dining table when he cleans up after cooking then it doesn't get done. So the kids end up eating their breakfast on a sticky table with pieces of yesterday's food on it.

We have discussed it but if DH doesn't see what's wrong then how can he stop doing it?

Its wrong because it causes you stress. That is enough - he needs to read the glasses by the sink link.

You have told him this. He knows this - so he does "see what's wrong" and he can change if he wants to. He needs to be mindful. In his job if he was asked to "pay attention" to something / do it better - he could and he would. Of course he is capable. You might be digging your own grave here by apologising for him.

Also I think he doth protest too much....you have questioned if it is deliberate - he is "appalled" that you could suggest this - but at the same time he bleats on that he does more than other men.

Do you feel as though it is 'just' the tidiness that's the problem?

Not belittling it if it is, I just wondered what he is like in other ways

Oh, this sounds like us. DH does help with housework, the kids and generally pulls his weight. But this is also his standard and it drives me mad. Little things like he cleans his teeth in the shower, but will leave the toothpaste and shared electric toothbrush squashed on top of the soap holder. So it's all covered in gunky soap and I have to put it all back in the correct place. He too leaves stuff like that on the worktop after cleaning up after himself, the worktop is also completely flooded after he rinses the dishes to load the dishwasher, think water dripping on the floor and a big puddle. Don't even start me on breadcrumbs or weetabix flakes .

I could go on.

He's away at the moment, been gone 2 weeks with another week to go, and the difference in the state of the house is remarkable. Even though I have to do everything myself I am less tired from the stress he causes me.

I do believe I have issues surrounding cleaning and tidying, everything has to be in it's place or I panic. He knows this, yet does exactly as you describe. I think it's disrespectful and shows a distinct lack of care.

I don't know the solution though.

ugh i have the same problem. Yes I have a lot of stuff so its a bit crazy at times but when he leaves food wrappers, crumbs, cups and so on at the desk for days he expects me to pick it up because 'I'm there' well he was bloody nearer when he was sitting there stuffing his face. Yes its a lack or respect, laziness and I think a control issue because it would lay for weeks otherwise. I gave up trying to get him to help when his idea of wiping a surface is taking a small square of kitchen roll and folding it again and again and again to do an entire surface because it saves money. It wont save his relationship. YANBU.

Yes I also get the magnification of tasks. I once went to hand wash some tights, a job I hate, only to find the sink full of dishes. So I thought I would load the dishwasher, only to find it full. So now instead of washing tights I am unloading and reloading the dishwasher before I can even start the job I hate. I took all the dishes out of the sink and left them on the work top for which I got a real telling off. Now he's gone the house stays tidy.

Is he dyslexic? My DH is and is the same messiness wise, and it makes me unhappy and cross. But he would do anything I asked, and will totally pull his weight. Eventually, after LOTS of arguments, we worked out that a) he has problems with organisation and short term memory and auditory processing and b) he needs specific instructions. So "can you please clean the kitchen" doesn't mean much to him. However, now he knows that "clean the kitchen" means the work surfaces have to be clear and wiped, all food out away, all dishes washed, and table wiped, he can do it. I do sometimes feel like I have to teach him how to be a grown up, but we are getting there, and he does understand why tidiness etc is important to me - even if he doesn't see it.

I guess it comes down to his attitude towards you about it.

My ex was like this. He left stuff everywhere. Tools, nails, gadgets, letters. They were on every surface of every room. Whenever I cleared somewhere he would just fill it immediately. Even the garden was full of rubbish.
I now have my own home, and it's just wonderful not living with his junk.

A few weeks ago my DH left a half empty tin of beans on the worktop for 36 hours.
He promised me faithfully that the pile of paperwork he's 'dumped' in the corner of our bedroom would be sorted out and filed, that was a year ago.
When clearing the kitchen, he will always leave something, so I have to finish it off.
Our house isn't horrendous but it is not how I want to live. He says that my standards are higher than his and that he just doesn't see the same things that I see. Things get shoved in cupboards, I hate it.
I try to have things sorted and a place for everything but he doesn't take on board where things live so trying to organise is a waste of time.
At the weekend, I picked up the keys to a flat I will be renting. I can no longer live like this, so a couple of moths ago I told him I want to separate. His untidiness isn't the main issue, the main issue is the lack of initiative and instigation of all aspects of our lives, be it sex, emotional support, fun or general organisation and improvement to our family life. I feel like the messiness falls within the lack of interest in improving our surroundings and making our lives easier.
I have been so horribly frustrated for a long time and feel a little relieved that I can now have a space of my own that I can keep nice and organised. Tidy house, tidy mind and all that! But along with the relief comes much sadness it has come to this. We just aren't compatible with how we want to live and despite my trying to talk, it just falls on deaf ears so I'm left thinking the only conclusion is that he doesn't want to engage with me. If he asked me to live more chaotically and not give two shits about living in a messy house I couldn't so how can I ask him to be more organised and house proud when those things aren't important to him.
I'm sorry but I don't have any answers but I understand how utterly frustrating it can be.

I'm the messy one my partner doesn't live with me but it got to the stage where he said he didn't want to come over anymore. He helped me have a clearout and I smartened up my act. Because I love him. My mess wasn't benefitting me.

I honestly believe that if I hadn't pulled myself together he would have split up with me. He's worth more than a dirty worktop.
I am ADHD diagnosed and I could make a mess in an empty room but I appreciate my relationship and I love my tidy home too.

I too am fed up with dh not pulling his weight. He had no job for almost 4 years and started off by doing housework whilst I worked full time but gradually let everything slide.

He knows I don't like coming home to a mess but it made no difference and he turned the living room into a workshop with tools, glue,boxes of tat all over the floor. He has recently gained employment but when I pointed out (yet again) that there needs to be a fair division of labour he said I was 'nagging'. He now comes home and sleeps every evening because he is so tired after a long day at work so again finds a way to opt out of doing his share . When he occasionally does something I am expected to be grateful for it.

He is now looking for his own place to rent as our marriage is over. He says that I've changed however I just decided that I wouldn't put up with his laziness any more. You reach a point where enough is enough.

I am wondering whether my DH might have ADHD. At least one of our DCs has ADHD and his room looks just like DH's area. There are other signs as well such as poor organisation, no sense of time, inability to prioritise,, poor short-term memory, can't relax as he always has to be busy doing something. ADHD would put things in a very different light and explain why my DH appears to be making a big effort but doesn't get good results - he's working against his own skill set rather than with it. Which is completely different from being lazy or indifferent to my needs and preferences.

I'm not very dexterous or good with tools so I'm imagining if I had to fix something on the car for example changing a tyre or fitting a new brake bulb. Even though I know how to do it, it's something that would be very difficult for me so I would be inclined to put it off for as long as possible and then quite likely not do the job properly. If that's what tidying and cleaning is like for my DH then no wonder he's struggling.

But I'm not sure that helps with a way forward. There's no way I would suggest to DH that he has ADHD because he's very negative about DS1's ADHD. He also did well in school and wasn't hyperactive so I think he would claim that meant he couldn't possibly have ADHD. He certainly wouldn't even consider taking meds for ADHD.

I started reading this thread and when I got to the photo I thought "this is just like DP and his ADHD" before I read your last post.

I think ADHD would certainly explain it. With DP he thinks he has cleaned something but his attention to detail is really lacking. He won't believe he hasn't done it properly unless I physically show him what he has managed to overlook. Can't offer much advice though, I have basically just had to remind him a million times to take care with certain things and slowly he has gotten better. He also saw a specialist and was prescribed Ritalin which has helped.

The thing with having ADHD is that you can procrastinate until you can barely move in your surroundings! However I force myself to clean and clear properly because I really do believe he would have left me.
As I said last night its not as if I don't benefit from a nice environment.
Knowing that I have ADHD and my partner knowing I can say to him if you see me
wandering off target then please say.
But as you say if you dont feel you can mention it then its a moot point!
Is your relationship good in other ways or is it just the mess?
Another thing that has really helped is getting rid of an awful lot of my possessions. I am in the process of Mari Kondo-ing my house which has made it much much easier to keep on top of things.

Perhaps DH thinks DS1 doesn't have ADHD because he thinks DS1 is exactly the same as him. He doesn't have ADHD therefore DS doesn't have ADHD.

It might be a blessed relief to realise that his difficulties are due to a real thing going on in his brain. He might also handle DS's diagnosis better, when he sees that it doesn't mean DS won't be successful in life. In fact, it will help DS get strategies to be more successful.

My DH was so much happier when he realised he was severely dyslexic. He had never been diagnosed because generally people weren't in the olden days. Also, he reads and writes extremely well (albeit slowly) so he thought he couldn't be dyslexic. It took him a while to get his head round it. There was an immediate reaction of "ridiculous!" but he got over it. Definitely a case of "the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off".

I'm like that, OP, unfortunately. Though fortunately I don't have a partner and now I just pay a cleaner. So I don't think he is doing it deliberately, however, as said above you don't have ask permission to separate or even have a "good" reason.