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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Love my Dh but not our sex life

31 replies

Samantha19 · 01/05/2016 20:46

Me and dh have so many laughs, are a great team, great with the kids etc but we lack in the bedroom.... I've put a bit weight on id say 2 stone? I'm not overweight but I'm not slim and sexy like I used to be. I've saw dh looking at sexy women online and sexy women in porn and I'm just put off... I just can't enjoy it now, I constantly worry if we go out that there are more attractive women where we are and I feel shit :( he's not slim himself but I think he's gorgeous no matter what. Whenever we get close I really don't enjoy it, I'm unsure if it's the quality or if I'm too worried. It never really lasts long and I can't climax ever. We haven't slept together for about 2 weeks now but neither of us have tried. Can we have a normal life without sex?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 01/05/2016 20:50

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?

cherrypepsimax · 01/05/2016 20:53

Do you want to? Would it not be better to talk about it and try to get it back on track first? what ever issues there are won't go away because you become celibate. I know it could be a difficult conversation but best to talk about it.

Original poster

Samantha19 · 01/05/2016 20:57

We have spoke a fair few times about it but he has a lack of interest in sex and never really makes an effort so it makes me feel a bit 'meh' it's just completey changed since having our children

OP posts:

cherrypepsimax · 01/05/2016 21:12

That's a bit different. If you've told h
How you feel and he's not making any effort it's a bit crappy. Do you think he realises how upset you are about it?

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 21:34

He has a lack of interest in sex, but looks at porn.

He has a lack of respect for you.

northernshepherdess · 01/05/2016 22:12

Or...
He watches porn because he's sat there thinking... I'm a bit fat, I've lost my stamina, physically it's become a chore because of my fitness levels... I'll just knock one out while she's not watching my belly wobble and my sweaty head ?
Maybe get fit together?

Original poster

Samantha19 · 01/05/2016 22:29

Like I said I'm not over weight so no?

OP posts:

northernshepherdess · 02/05/2016 10:58

Fatness and fitness are different ☺
You said he's not slim but maybe he's not happy in himself about that leading to him feeling a bit "meh" and lazy about putting the effort in?

Original poster

Samantha19 · 02/05/2016 12:12

Sorry I didn't realise you knew about my fitness levels, I work full time In a job where I am constantly on my feet I have no time to join a gym and tbf I don't need to. Being overweight doesn't mean he shouldn't put an effort in

OP posts:

BG2015 · 02/05/2016 12:17

Is there more to this OP?

northernshepherdess · 02/05/2016 12:18

I don't.

Just making suggestions as to why he may be feeling uninterested... perhaps there's more going on with him.
Please don't take offence... just throwing ideas out there

horseygeorgie · 02/05/2016 12:19

Wow samantha bit touchy there! I think northern was just trying to help as you did post on a public board for advice!

northernshepherdess · 02/05/2016 12:22

I have each time commented about him but you have replied with answers about you.
I suggested he may be unfit you replied with how you aren't overweight.
I clarified by saying maybe he's not happy in himself about his physical condition and you replied about me knowing your fitness levels for example

LondonStill83 · 02/05/2016 12:22

Jesus op!

Northern wasn't even talking about YOU, she was talking about how your husband may be feeling about himself, and trying to suggest why he may not seem into sex.

You know- trying to help you work through the issue you brought to the table!

Or did you just want us all to say "LTB" or "yes, just keep on being married but never have sex again"?

Startingover2016 · 02/05/2016 12:23

I'm scared to post in case I get told off .

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/05/2016 12:24

You don't have a huge amount of options, really. You can tell him that you feel rejected and that his pork habit has made you self conscious, and see if he changes anything. Or you can not say anything and continue not to have sex, but his porn usage will probably increase then, and you'll still feel rejected, and it will weaken the relationship. There's a good chance someone will get their head turned by someone else at some point, too - not that this would be an excuse, but it's a risk of choosing a marriage short of intimacy and physical affection.

I think the suggestions about getting fitter together were because you don't sound confident and he is overnight, so it would probably improve your sex life if he was fitter and you felt happier. It would also be time that you could spend together.

I wouldn't want a relationship where we were essentially just friends. I have friends, I want a partner as well. Il

sizeofalentil · 02/05/2016 12:25

Samantha19 - people have to make assumptions because they don't know you in real life. All the comments here have been really supportive and kind. If you don't want to hear what people think or have to suggest then maybe don't post on a public forum full of very diverse readers.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/05/2016 12:28

If you're not overweight, why did you mention gaining weight and not being "slim and sexy" any more in your opening post?

Are you looking for replies that are solely focused on his porn usage?

I'm confused.

Your OP read to me like you feel a bit insecure because you've gained weight. But are you really saying you feel insecure because he uses porn?

Startingover2016 · 02/05/2016 12:32

You said you had put on 2 stone.

horseygeorgie · 02/05/2016 12:35

Anchor Pork habit! ha ha, love it!

Shakey15000 · 02/05/2016 12:37

Depends on whether you want/need a sex life or not, if you're happy in the majority of other areas. DH and I have probably been intimate about 5 times in the last two years and are happy.

HowLongTillTippingPoint · 02/05/2016 12:47

Pork habit

Comeonmommy · 02/05/2016 12:55

At the risk of getting my head bitten off......I agree with others - if you are maybe a bit self conscious, maybe he is too. Changing diets, going for walks etc together may help? Helping each other feel great about themselves again may lead to more confidence and a more relaxed atmosphere in the bedroom? That is assuming you both want that? It isn't for everyone but it is possible to have an amazing relationship without sex. As long as you both talk honestly about how you feel and what you want - I guess that is the first step.

roarfeckingroar · 02/05/2016 13:29

You did say you've put on 2 stone... Why not lose it together, bond, endorphins etc?

Original poster

Samantha19 · 02/05/2016 14:41

Sorry!!! I thought you were saying it about me not dh yes j have put 2 stone on but I'm still not overweight I used to be 8 1/2 now I'm 10 1/2. I'm not overly confident but I've been on a diet a while now and am losing. I'm not too bothered if he wants to watch porn I feel it's more the images he looks at these women are seriously slim, I have stretch marks and uneven skin so can't compare. I'll be honest I don't know whether I should stay, like you say what if 1 of us got our heads turned. I'm not a cheat but we both have needs and we can't meet each other's. He says he enjoys our sex life I can't see what's enjoyable about it!

OP posts:

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