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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel unattractive / down / "old" and do not like being called names or never having sex but don't know if I am overreacting.

37 replies

noperspective · 01/05/2016 13:36

During an argument this morning H called me a "chimp from Germany" - not actually Germany but the country I grew up in. This was a term of abuse to say that I am immature and ridiculous. Neither of my parents are from the country I grew up in and H knows I do not identify with that nationality at all yet to wind me up he has often said I am from there and linked it to something negative (not about the place which is a perfectly nice place, but about me).

He also made a mockery of how I feel about something.

We are now not talking and I am wondering whether I should tell him that I don't want to be in a relationship where there is very little affection and virtually no sex - and where I am mocked and called names. I don't even know if to be called a chimp from that place is acceptable or not?

Then I look in the mirror and see my 47 year old face and feel even more depressed as I feel as if I look old and that it is only going to get worse Sad. I know I am lucky to be alive and healthy but the thought of never being desired by anybody again is hard to take. Leaving aside the issue of whether or not I should leave my marriage (which with dc in the mix would be very hard) - should I accept that at my age being fancied / loved by someone is just not on the cards?

How do I accept that?

OP posts:
Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 13:40

I am not always mocked and called names I should add - that might happen in an argument, but the lack of affection and sex is pretty much always there.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 13:41

Your husband sounds like a dick. You're not old and you can feel much better about yourself and life in general if you get shot of this horrible bully. Really have you thought how happy you could be if you ditched him?

Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 13:43

I re read your post and saw you don't want to leave him. So are you asking whether he will desire you? Or someone else?

ImperialBlether · 01/05/2016 13:43

I wouldn't want to spend an afternoon with someone like him, never mind share a home with him. He's so unkind and nasty - factor in lack of affection (which figures, given his nature) and lack of sex, what is left in this relationship?

ConkerTriumphant · 01/05/2016 13:45

No you should not have to live without being desired. I am 45 and I very happy in my relationship as I'm treated as an equal, with a brain and a valid opinion, I am cherished and I am desired.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2016 13:45

What a xenophobic twat

He sounds gruesome. I am sorry you are married to a twat like that

Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 13:46

I don't know really - it feels as if this is the end of sex/"romantic" love for me forever. I guess I am asking whether I have to accept that being desired sexually is a thing of the past?

And whether being called a chimp from that place is not as derogatory and dismissive as I feel it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 13:48

Sorry missed a few posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 13:53

No you should not have to live without being desired. I am 45 and I very happy in my relationship as I'm treated as an equal, with a brain and a valid opinion, I am cherished and I am desired.

Thanks conker I am going to keep this in mind as a benchmark.

Thanks to everyone else too.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 01/05/2016 13:57

What an un-respectful idiotic twat your husband is.

Just because you are 47, doesn't mean that 'this and who / what' you are married to is all your deserve or should expect for the rest of your life.

If he had an ounce of love or respect from you he would speak or treat you like that. Does he ever apologise?

Yes it is difficult leaving when children are involved, and it's hard work at times. But don't just settle for second best. Be yourself, free, single and available to find love and respect with someone that deserves you.

HarleyQuinneee · 01/05/2016 13:58

Would you rather be having no sex/affection in a crap marriage wondering if there's something better out there or take the leap and have no sex/affection because you are on your own taking a chance to find yourself and possibly find a love that is real and respectful and worth your time?

I know which I would rather do.

You only get one life.

Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 14:00

No he never apologises.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 01/05/2016 14:06

Then why do you stay?

I'm 43 this year, and have a 3.5 year old child. I've been single for 12 months and decided being spoken to like I was a thick idiot all the time and being made to feel worthless, I'd had enough.

I'm not lying when I say it's been hard work supporting myself and my child these past 12 months, but I am so much happier. And I've often wondered, if at my age with a young child and no social life, whether I will ever meet someone who loves & respects me. But do you know what, I'd rather be single, free and happy, than staying with someone who doesn't love or respect you and being in an unhappy relationship.

Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 14:08

Plenty of women our age dating and meeting new partners etc. Not too old at 40 something

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/05/2016 14:10

"I guess I am asking whether I have to accept that being desired sexually is a thing of the past?"

Well, it might be a thing of the past with this horrible man but that doesn't have to be true of the rest of your life. Really, you're in your ruddy prime and should have fun and some frolics on the horizon.

When I was your age I was in a relationship with a wonderful man 10 years younger than me and I wasn't then and obviously still am not what you would call a beauty. That could be you. Enjoying life, being with someone who respects and desires you. Because you're you.

financialwizard · 01/05/2016 14:14

Would you rather be having no sex/affection in a crap marriage wondering if there's something better out there or take the leap and have no sex/affection because you are on your own taking a chance to find yourself and possibly find a love that is real and respectful and worth your time?

-----

This in buckets. Sorry for some reason on my phone it won't let me bold it.

My ex was not interested in sex. Used me as his PA. Denigrated my son and I on a regular basis and expected to stay married.

I left him (for a plethora of other reasons too). I am happy. Kids are happy. I am seeing someone (away from the kids) who completely respects my wishes, and is damn good in bed. If I hadn't of met him and wasn't getting any it would still be a thousand times better without the twunt in my life, believe me.

ravenmum · 01/05/2016 14:16

Your face looks old and tired because you are stuck in a miserable situation. It will look a whole lot different if you start doing what you want, find some people to do fun things with (whether it is potholing or crochet club!), and if looks or style are important maybe get some different clothes, hairdo, sparkly necklace, whatever makes you preen a bit. Any face looks a lot better with a smile.

I'm imagining all this without some hater in the background calling you names, obviously. You need a cheerleader.

Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 14:17

Thanks all.

I guess one of the main things that is stopping me leaving is the thought of having to be apart from my dc for half the time or even worse the eldest 2 are at age where they could decide where to live - what if they choose not to live with me (not that I would want them not to live with their father either)Sad?

OP posts:
Original poster
noperspective · 01/05/2016 14:19

Missed your posts financial and raven. Thanks to you too Flowers.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 14:21

It's a daunting thought Andover been there. My DS lives with me just over 50% of the time. At first I was terrified of how I would cope on days without him. Now although I miss him and look forward to the days he comes back to mine, I've got loads of things to do on the other days....yea including being 'desired' Wink

Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 14:21

Not Andover!!! 'And I have'

Summerlovinf · 01/05/2016 14:24

My DD lives with me f/t officially ...but she spends plenty of time with her dad too (as much as any other teenage girl I think). You won't 'lose' the kids if you leave your DH

timelytess · 01/05/2016 14:26

How do I accept that?
You don't. Go about being happy to be yourself and they will flock to you. I speak from experience.

Granville72 · 01/05/2016 14:41

He may not want them half time, but maybe weekends or alternative weekends.
You say two of them are old enough to decide where they live? Well, children do grow up and even if they did stay with you, they will eventually want to leave home and build their own life. I'd hazard a guess they'd want their mum though, and move with you.

Please don't feel like this is it for you. Go find your happiness x

ravenmum · 01/05/2016 14:41

My two are with me, and that was a comfort at the start, but now they are spending less and less time at home as they get older, and I'm not afraid of being alone, as being alone is no longer so negative (no husband who should be there but is not), my home now feels a safe and happy place and I have more stuff to do inside and outside the house.

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