Feel unattractive / down / "old" and do not like being called names or never having sex but don't know if I am overreacting.

[noperspective]

During an argument this morning H called me a "chimp from Germany" - not actually Germany but the country I grew up in. This was a term of abuse to say that I am immature and ridiculous. Neither of my parents are from the country I grew up in and H knows I do not identify with that nationality at all yet to wind me up he has often said I am from there and linked it to something negative (not about the place which is a perfectly nice place, but about me).

He also made a mockery of how I feel about something.

We are now not talking and I am wondering whether I should tell him that I don't want to be in a relationship where there is very little affection and virtually no sex - and where I am mocked and called names. I don't even know if to be called a chimp from that place is acceptable or not?

Then I look in the mirror and see my 47 year old face and feel even more depressed as I feel as if I look old and that it is only going to get worse . I know I am lucky to be alive and healthy but the thought of never being desired by anybody again is hard to take. Leaving aside the issue of whether or not I should leave my marriage (which with dc in the mix would be very hard) - should I accept that at my age being fancied / loved by someone is just not on the cards?

How do I accept that?

All kids spend less and less time at home as they get older. This will happen whether or not you are living with their father.

How old are your children?

that is a truly disgusting and vile thing to say. The chimp thing (I can hardly type it). No wonder you feel shit.

He's the shit here

10, 12 and 14

Realistically, do you think your children would choose to live with him? He sounds so horrible it's hard to think they would choose to do that.

He is much more affectionate with them than he is with me. They know he is short tempered at times but generally he loves them a lot and is as affectionate as they will let him be depending on their age.

The way we (him and I) behave with each other is such an utter waste of time (not talking etc though he has been known not to talk for weeks until I send him a pleading email - admittedly he has got much better at not doing this so often) and so childish.

He is older than me and close to retirement age ish. For many years he has talked about wanting to live in a hot country and I know that he sometimes looks at properties there on the Internet. Part of me hopes he just just eventually finds one and goes and lives there .

Seriously, don't waste your time on him just for fear that the children will want to live with him. I very much doubt they would want that. I could probably guarantee, that in years to come when your children have grown up (maybe now with the older ones), that if you stayed with your H and told your children how unhappy he made you, that your children would probably say 'Why didn't you leave him Mum and be happy'?

Look at it another way. If your children were in the future, in unhappy relationships, what advise would you give them if they'd tried and it wasn't working out for them and they were receiving the same as you?

Tell them to stay?
Tell them to leave and find happiness?

You're in your prime, let go, move on and enjoy yourself and the children. Just because he's a miserable old fart, doesn't mean you have to be as well.

You only get one life, go live it.

Does he call you those names in front of your children?

Do you want your children to think that this is a benchmark for relationships in the future? That girls can be spoken to like that, and boys free to demean them?

I would answer immediately "do not speak to me like that, it's disrespectful, I want an apology" and see how he reacts. Especially if it's I. Front of your DC.

My ex walked two years ago, I am 45.

I'm dating a 40 year old who completely adores me, tells me I look beautiful and without a doubt desires me. I have a very happy, exciting sex life again after feeling unattractive and hideous with my ex.

Also when my ex left I started to receive so many complements, I think it was because my face wasn't scowling or stressed. And I started to dress and look the way I wanted without fear of sarcasm.

I actually looked happy and healthy.

very little affection and virtually no sex - and where I am mocked and called names. I don't even know if to be called a chimp from that place is acceptable or not? None of it sounds acceptable to me Noperspective and I am sorry to hear you have had to deal with this crap, it's truly awful.

Also, making a mockery of how you feel about something? What a complete twonker he is. And no apologies absolutely suck. Do you feel that he wants to continue like this, it sounds like you certainly don't and need to say something. Can I gently asked have you ever been able to stand up for yourself and tell him what a complete arse he is being towards you? I know it's not easy when there are children around you prob don't want to row and have 'atmospheres'. There's always the writing it in a letter option? I think before you make a big any big decisions you need to communicate exactly how you feel if you possibly can.

By the way, you are not old (I'd love to be 47 again!!!), it wouldn't matter if you were 87 you still deserve to feel attractive, appreciated and loved.

For you OP and good luck.

Thanks for you messages.

No the argument was not in front of the dc, though they have heard arguments in the past.

No I really would not want my dc to be in relationships where they felt undesired and unwanted, though I might also be worried if a divorce would plunge them into anxiety and difficulties that they might not be able to cope with.

I have told him in the past how difficult I find aspects of the way in which he sometimes behaves. The lack of affection and sex is very hard to talk about as he kind of shuts down. When I have complained that he is very huggy with the dc but not with me (in the slightest), he has always looked at me like this and said yes but they are children.

I think it goes beyond that however - he is sometimes quite needy with them asking them for a cuddle - which always brings it home to me to what an extent he does not see me like that, as a source of comfort or love.

We used to sleep together roughly every 6 weeks but now haven't since February and I pretty much know that we won't unless I massively try to instigate it (difficult when we are always upset with each other about something or other), and to be honest I have done that for so many years that I don't know if I can any more. In any case though the sex is good, it never translates to affection on a day to day basis so it is kind of pointless in a way.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I really don't want to live without sex /affection. It's pointless thinking that he is suddenly going to become touchy feely with me at all, as he has been like this for a long time, but it's a kind of ache/longing. I think H feels like he has come to the end of his sex life (he is older than me) and I think he is not bothered. He alluded (very indirectly as it is impossible to talk about these kinds of things with him) to people not having sex when they are older due to their "mental state" - he does seem to have changed /aged quite a lot in the past couple of years so maybe he has just gone off the whole idea. I don't know where that leaves me however. In any case, going off sex does not have to mean that you never ever touch someone? All I can think of is that he really does not like me because surely if he did he would give me the odd hug, touch me in some way out of affection just as he does the dc? It's a mind fuck. (Pardon my French).

As to whether it is worth putting myself and my dc / and H, through the hell and trauma of divorce for the sake of affection and sex, I don't know. I know that when we have been through a couple of massive crises over the past two years and it has looked like we probably would have to split up, I have felt beyond dreadful, like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Very very anxious, it was really horrible.

So I am in a kind of never ending dilemma.

Thanks for the words of encouragement re. how I feel about how I look as well love and sex at my age, it's been quite inspiring/comforting reading them.

My father's love life in his seventies was legendary

He was dallying with ladies of a similar age. I kept coming face to face with his ex girlfriends and their grandchildren. Never write off love and affection.

As to the rest, do you think he will need the children to provide affection or do you think he will just leave UK?

don't know really - it feels as if this is the end of sex/"romantic" love for me forever. I guess I am asking whether I have to accept that being desired sexually is a thing of the past?

The thing is, does it really matter about being desired sexually? If you leave, you may never find someone special or even want to have casual sex with, but if you stay you will have the far worse experience of having any positive reinforcement about your mental and physical self continually eroded.

If you leave, you can nurture your body and mind and feel good about both regardless of whether you're celibate or at it like a rabbit. You don't need other people to feel good about yourself. However, other people can certainly make you feel bad about yourself.

Your H is not a very nice man and you deserve better.